When Will They Stop Training People On The F-14?

[BigWorm]

This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fuking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"

To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."

 

[HAL Pilot]

2 brand new Marine 2nd LTs, lost and needing guidance after receiving orders from their company commander, are standing outside the dark bar of the NCO club wondering how they will ever find their Platoon Sargents. Seeing another 2nd LT strutting purposefully into the the bar, they ask him. He says "it's easy, I just start sucking dicks until I find the one that taste right."

 

[BigWorm]

Hal, you never seize to amaze me, where do you come up with such things? I used to live with a couple of prior Navy E5’s, and even they were incapable of taking such shots. Now this is getting somewhat dirty...I am not so sure I can keep up anymore, but I’ll give it a shot.

Bravo 31, this is BigWorm, Fire For Effect k 1 Pilot in open, gay jokes in effect k

Once upon a time in a land not to far away, there was a man thinking about joining the Navy. Every now and then he saw military jets flying out to sea, and out of curiosity he went to the recruiter to find out how he to could fly high through the air. Well, he was sent to the docs for some poking and prodding (ya know, where you ask the doc why he has both hands on your shoulders when he’s checking your prostate), and afterwards they determined that his eyesight was not all that great, but he could still become a NFO which is pronounced nympho. After watching the initial release of Top Gun, a he went out for some drinks, and soon finds that he has to take a piss, and runs off to the head. A short Marine, about knee high, comes in and pulls up a stool, and starts taking a pee too. The man keeps looking over his shoulder. The little Marine says, "What the hell are you looking at?" and the man replies, "Well, for you being such a short little guy, you have an awfully big pecker on you!"
"Well," says the short Marine, "Of course I do. I am a leprechaun, and I can have anything I wish for!"
"A leprechaun, you say? Does that mean you can give me any thing I wish for?" asks the man.
"Well, yes, but I am a horny leprechaun, and the chicks these days don’t seem to take kindly to us wee little folk, so I'll want a favor in return," says the short Marine.
After thinking, the man says, "Alright then. I want to be just like Maverick from Top Gun, I have a nympho contract, but Goose wasn’t as cool as I am, I deserve better, I want to fly F-14’s.”
"Fine!" says the short Marine, "its all yours! But first I want you to pull your pants down, bend over and grab your ankles!"
So, the guy does it, and the short Marine climbs back up on the stool, and really gives it to him! The man is just moaning. The short guy says, "So tell me, What do you want to do again?"
The man moans, and stomping his feet, he says, "I want to join the Navy....."
"Have you been through college?" asks the short Marine.
Stomping his feet even harder, he screams, "Yes…Oh Yes!"
The short Marine says, "You have a college education and you still believe in Leprechauns?!"

 

[fraz76]

listen man... i just couldn't let this one go. do you really talk like this..? standfast? what the fuk do you think you are? what, you were a little piss ant on some ship for awhile and you think you know some $hit? come on.. just keep your mouth shut about Marines and whats good for the Marines, alright.

Splendid, I can see that you have never done anytime in the fleet, I have worked and trained with jarheads, before. Just to let you know I wasnt any little piss ant. I was a big piss ant. So till you get a sea service ribbon come back and talk to me then...if not, you nothing more than a soldier, you should have join the Army.

 

[NavyLonghorn]

Easy now Tiger.

 

[HAL Pilot]

BigWorm - I'm starting to run out of them. I've been retired for almost 5 years now and the memory is growing fuzzy. But here's another one that the XO of the MarDet on my carrier told his CO, who had been with Force Recon:

On the night of graduation, a father approached his son and asked him, "Son, now that you finished high school, what are you going to do with your life?"

The son replied, "I think I am going to join the Marine Corps."

"That's wonderful, I was in the Marine Corps when I was your age. It taught me discipline", replied the father.

A couple of months went by and the son came home from the boot camp. The father asked the son, "Now that you have finished boot camp, what MOS are you going to train for?"

The son said "I am going to join Force Recon."

The father's eyes lit up with amazement. "I am so proud of you son. I went into Force Recon too. It taught me courage but most of all, respect for myself. Son, in all my years of being your father, you have never disappointed me yet."

The son left for Force Recon school a couple of weeks later where he was put through some of the most rigorous training of his life. One of the last phases of his training included jumping out of an airplane. This frightened him to no end. The son decided to give his father a call, telling him how scared he was, and his father told him not to worry, everyone would be scared.

A couple of weeks go by and the son comes home from training. His father notices that his son is very depressed. "What's wrong son? Tell me what's on your mind. Nothing you can say will disappoint me. I am very proud of you."

"You might want to sit down for this dad," the son said. "The day we were up on the plane ready to jump I was the last one. I got up to the door and I couldn't do it! My instructor looked at me and yelled - Marine, if you don't jump out of this plane this damn instant, I am going to stick my big hairy pecker up your little ass!"

The fathers eyes widened when he asked, "Well did you jump?"

The son replied, "Only at first."

 

[BigWorm]

This one isn’t service related, but anybody that could pull this off would be my hero. My dad, former Navy NFO…now flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog sh!t out of Memphis had some navy buddies with stories of tricks they would on the stewardesses while flying for the airlines.

They would get a new girl, 18 or so fresh out of H.S. from Kansas or some other sort of state…and typically, they would be very naïve to the world.

On the first flight, they would be so excited, and usually the head stewardess would be in on this as well, and as the plane took off, they would drop some dry ice into the head. The pilot would then call the newby up to the cockpit, and all excited like she would reply what’s going on. The pilot would say, “well see that gauge here, that is our cloud seal indicator, and unfortunately our cloud seal is broken.”
“oh no..”
“would you please run to the head and see if clouds are coming into the plane.” Not but a few seconds later, she would come back and report that clouds were in fact leaking into the airplane. The pilot would then tell her that they have to turn around.
“Oh no!”
“Well,” the pilot would reply. “There is something that you can do. If you go back and sit on the toilet and keep the clouds from coming in we will be able to continue the flight.”
If my memory serves me, the record was 20 min to have someone sit on the seat before they realized the what the pilot was full of.

 

[jarhead]

Originally posted by splendid_splinter

Originally posted by fraz76...you need to standfast and watch what you say "Butter Bars". I look forward in working with you in the fleet. Go learn somemore...

listen man... i just couldn't let this one go. do you really talk like this..? standfast? what the fuk do you think you are? what, you were a little piss ant on some ship for awhile and you think you know some $hit? come on.. just keep your mouth shut about Marines and whats good for the Marines, alright.

and on the subject of gayness.. what is worse than those stupid ass uniforms and covers those poor e-dogs in the navy have to wear.. freakin crack me up every time i see one... i mean i know they have some sort of tradition, but somebody has to wake up and say "fuk history.. let's get these poor bastards something a little more manly, huh?"

hilarious bro, it got under my skin also ... tactless though but still hilarious, until i read this ...

Originally posted by fraz76
Splendid, I can see that you have never done anytime in the fleet, I have worked and trained with jarheads, before. Just to let you know I wasnt any little piss ant. I was a big piss ant. So till you get a sea service ribbon come back and talk to me then...if not, you nothing more than a soldier, you should have join the Army.

i about fell outta my seat at this ... come on man, a sea service ribbon means jack, other than you spent 180+ at sea, it's almost on the same level as the National Defense ribbon, it's like the Army's Grenade ribbon ... a Good Conduct ribbon means a helluvalot more than a damn Sea Service ribbon when you are enlisted ... and calling somebody a "butter bars" when you are striving to be in the same place as "BigWorm", LOL thats ballsy, and telling him to "standfast", dude that's comical ... as for the "I think you are mad that the Corps doesnt have the Tomcats." ... bro, the Corps has no need for such an aircraft ...

OH, and before you tell me to "standfast" and jump in my grill, i have 15 months sea-service & a good conduct to go along with silver bars ...

my 2 cents ... more navy-marine jokes, now that's some funny stuff

semper fidelis

 

[HAL Pilot]

Bigworm,

We used to pull crap like that on new aircrewmen in the P-3.

My personal record for having a new guy swing a wrench underneath the MAD boom for a calibration was 1 hour and 10 minutes. We could have kept him there longer, but we had a T/O time to meet.

Once when we had a small crew onboard (only 3 of us in back) during a reposition flight. We had a newbie FE in the cockpit we decided to freak out. Right after wheels up, we all hid under the floorboards in the hydraulic service center. The kid came back after T/O to do his checks and freaked out immediately when he saw the tube empty. He went running back to the cockpit yelling that they had forgotten the crew on the ground. While the pilots and senior FE keep him busy in the cockpit freaking out, we all returned to our seats. In retrospect it wasn't a very smart idea as the aircraft skin isn't that strong and if we had slipped off a frame we could have punched through it. Also the hydraulic pumps get hot and I'd hate to think what would have happened if a line had ruptured. Don't think the CO would have been happy if he had ever found out - but it was great fun.

Another good (but rare) one was telling a newbie that it was okay to throw his bag out the free fall chute after taking a $hit. Watching him scrub the bottom of the plane with the maintenace Chief yelling at him was always worth a laugh. (The $hitter on a P-3 is a bucket with a plastic bag. Take a dump inflight and you owe the crew a case of beer).


One they can no longer due since smoking isn't allowed on the planes. The is are hollow tubes around the tops of the cockpit windows. The tubes start at the back and end in the center at the wet compass. Guys used to blow smoke in the back of the tubes and it would look like it was coming out of the wet compass. The newbie FE or pilot would see this and yell that the wet compass was on fire.

BTW - your last joke. Seems like it hits on both services. The squid was gay for liking it but the jarhead was gay for doing it...

I hope you came by the name "BigWorm" from a girl and not one of your fellow Marines

 

[HAL Pilot]

Originally posted by jarhead
[my 2 cents ... more navy-marine jokes, now that's some funny stuff

semper fidelis

Okay, the last of my Marine jokes

. In my book, not as good as the earlier ones and no fagginess to them. I do not claim authorship of any of them. In fact, I found one the other day on the internet.

=============================================
Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first Marine said "those are deer tracks."

The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks."

The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."

The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.


====================================================

Leroy and Jasper two Marine sergeants, walk into the NCO Club for a drink. Pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "Why'd you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." As he points to his stripes he says, "we're sargents."

===============================================

The Marine DI gives his recruits a weekend pass. Several of the Marines decide to go to the Beach for fun and relaxation. Monday morning the DI asked about their time at the beach.

"Not good Sargent" said one of the Marines. "We never made it to the beach."

"Why not," the DI asked, "car trouble?"

"No," the Marines replied, "every few miles down the interstate we saw signs that said, 'Exit, Clean Restrooms'. You have no idea how many restrooms we cleaned between Cherry Point and Nags Head."

 

[HAL Pilot]

Originally posted by HAL Pilot
2 brand new Marine 2nd LTs, lost and needing guidance after receiving orders from their company commander, are standing outside the dark bar of the NCO club wondering how they will ever find their Platoon Sargents. Seeing another 2nd LT strutting purposefully into the the bar, they ask him. He says "it's easy, I just start sucking dicks until I find the one that taste right."

A little history on this joke for your turkey drivers out there (after all this did start out as a F-14 thread).

I met Dale "Snort" Snodgrass, formerly of F-14 fame and now flying the air show circuit, when he was the Gator on TR. A couple of years latter when he was the F-14 wing commander at Oceana, I ran into him at the O-club when I was on a P-3 det flying out of there. Snort, with his F-14 buds hanging around him, proceeded to give me $hit about being a P-3 puke. So I asked him if it was true how a turkey pilot finds his RIO in a bar.... Needless to say it was a big hit and Snort gave me a ride in the Tomcat the next day.

I just modified it a little to pick on the Marines.

 

[BigWorm]

BTW - your last joke. Seems like it hits on both services. The squid was gay for liking it but the jarhead was gay for doing it...

I hope you came by the name "BigWorm" from a girl and not one of your fellow Marines

Well, actually if you look back at some of your jokes, the majority seem to revolve around the Navy wanting a BJ from a Marine. The pooper-pumping is a bit more extreme on the gayness level…but most of the gay jokes seem to revolve around the “power position” do they not? Regardless, I would argue that both are equally gay.

BigWorm, was actually my college call sign from a night of drunken debauchery where I ended up doing the worm in the middle of the street in front of a jeepload of girls. If you were referring to something else, it would most likely be averagelengthslightlygirthyworm…I don’t know why you would want to know such things.

Cheers as the brits say

 

[HAL Pilot]

Originally posted by BigWorm
Well, actually if you look back at some of your jokes, the majority seem to revolve around the Navy wanting a BJ from a Marine. The pooper-pumping is a bit more extreme on the gayness level…but most of the gay jokes seem to revolve around the “power position” do they not? Regardless, I would argue that both are equally gay.

true, true...

If you were referring to something else, it would most likely be averagelengthslightlygirthyworm…

Way too much information...

I don’t know why you would want to know such things.

Wasn't asking for the orgin, just making an observation.

This has been great fun, but I'm out of Marine jokes.

Semper Fi

 

[BigWorm]

just talking about my pinky toe...that's all

 

[BigWorm]

Q: What do you get when a squid that spent entirely too much time on nuclear powered ships decides to reproduce?

A: The Star Wars Kid

-note, this is a 1.37mb movie