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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

CoDecoy

Active Member
I was just selected for CW and I went extremely heavy into why I specifically wanted to do CW in my personal statement. I see you put that you want to go CW in your bio. Unlike the other boards, the IWC board actually looks at and dissects your personal statement. It obviously isn't more important than a high GPA/OAR score but it is weighted more than if you were applying for any of the other communities. It can be the thing that puts you over the top.

There's some fluff in your statement that can be cut which can then be replaced with why you would be a good CW officer. Have you ever briefed a principal? Managed a team of people? Made complicated subjects discernible to someone who isn't good with that particular issue? Worked with computers or done any academic related work with things that are relevant to CW?

I would say my personal statement was 2/3rds why I would be good at CW, 1/3 why I would be a good officer/talking about the Navy values. Maybe my strategy wasn't correct but I had a slightly above average GPA with a non-stem degree and an above average OAR score so my personal statement is what I think made the difference.
Thanks for the feedback! I ended up changing my statement drastically anyway... put a lot more focus into SWO than anything else, just like what you suggested for CW. Apparently my recruiter got permission to send my package through at my current age of 29. Maybe the new PA’s allowed age waivers or they just expanded the age range. Congrats on CW pickup, when are you going to OCS?
 

Broseph_25

Member
From the looks of my research, it seems that the aviation board doesn’t look at LORs/Moto letters at all.

In that event it seems the best approach would be to have them be more generalized toward gaining a commission rather than why aviation.

I say this for those who may be skeptical about their competitiveness for SNA/SNFO and hoping for selection with another community.
 

MockingbirdT

Well-Known Member
Applying for OCS as SWO. Hoping for some honest feedback on my motivational statement.

Much appreciated!
ready your statement, and i think it is OKAY. I think you write too much how people speak and did not take into account proper grammar and sentence syntax. But i don't have time to proofread, you either have that or don't.

in your last paragraph you mention your age as something possibly as a negative thing, Take that out completely. If you believe your age is an asset to you then talk about why, but do not bring negative attention to it, you're doing yourself a disservice.
 

AULANI

Well-Known Member
Applying for OCS as SWO. Hoping for some honest feedback on my motivational statement.

Much appreciated!
- You start talking about how growing crops is somehow related to being a SWO but you never state what it is you currently do for a living. Are you a farmer? Do you grow medicinal marijuana? What do you do right now? Lead with that and your current job responsibilities AND THEN somehow try and relate it to being a SWO.

- Leave out how much weight you lost... just say something along the lines of how you improved yourself by getting in shape. Maybe you run 15 miles a week now and before you didn't.

- The thing about making a choice between your roommate and your job was kinda weird. I see how maybe you were trying to relate it to making difficult choices as an officer but I would try to rephrase that whole section. Just say you have experience making tough choices at work and give a more general example.

- Leave out/rewrite the part about your age, being older/younger isn't necessarily a good indicator that you'll be a better leader. Talk about your experience (doing X,Y,Z) and how that will benefit you as an officer. If you're applying for SWO you're not that old.

Good luck!
 

srp_4737

Well-Known Member
My motivational statement is pretty centered around aviation. I am wondering if I should change it to encompass being a naval officer and barely even mention aviation. Anyone willing to take a look and provide feedback?
 

srp_4737

Well-Known Member
Dude, with your ASTB score and GPA you could probably draw a picture of Scooby-Doo for your motivational statement and you'd be fine.
hahaha ya I really wasn't concerned at all until the last board results came out. A few people with really high scores got a Pro-Rec N for some reason. Granted, some had legal wavers, but some didn't.
 

StewburnerCS1

New Member
Good Afternoon,

CS1(SW) here with 9 years in applying for OCS (Intel and SWO)...Started on a DDG then went to be Enlisted Aide to a COCOM for 2 yrs, when he retired went to Secnav Mess staff in the Pentagon for 2 years and I am about 10 days from transferring to a Precomm DDG. Set to graduate in May with Bachelors in Communications, currently studying for the OAR and wondering if anyone could give me constructive feedback on my statement this is probably my 10th draft.

With all respect,

CS1
 

Attachments

caliktk

Member
- You start talking about how growing crops is somehow related to being a SWO but you never state what it is you currently do for a living. Are you a farmer? Do you grow medicinal marijuana? What do you do right now? Lead with that and your current job responsibilities AND THEN somehow try and relate it to being a SWO.

- Leave out how much weight you lost... just say something along the lines of how you improved yourself by getting in shape. Maybe you run 15 miles a week now and before you didn't.

- The thing about making a choice between your roommate and your job was kinda weird. I see how maybe you were trying to relate it to making difficult choices as an officer but I would try to rephrase that whole section. Just say you have experience making tough choices at work and give a more general example.

- Leave out/rewrite the part about your age, being older/younger isn't necessarily a good indicator that you'll be a better leader. Talk about your experience (doing X,Y,Z) and how that will benefit you as an officer. If you're applying for SWO you're not that old.

Good luck!
Thank you for the feedback! I do product development for a veg company. I thought higher level would be better, I didn't want to get too into the weeds with what I do currently. I'll add some details to clarify.
 

kbal731

Well-Known Member
Here is my second take if anyone is willing to review it. I took the advice given and believe it is improved.
hey man/woman, so I'm bored at work and just read through your personal statement. I made some changes/suggestions without trying to take away from your content, but just for the sake of clarification/ease of reading. Overall it good, def has the SWOcentric vibe.

my thoughts:
- I found it to be incredibly wordy, some of which were just long run-on sentences that were either repetitive or unnecessary.
-There are some areas you could expand on to include more talking points.
-I was confused, i understand you mentioned you wanted to be concise, but What the hell do you do? I think its better to at least state it. Done. Leave it at that. Reading through that, my thoughts were trying to figure that out rather than paying attention to the content.
 

Attachments

caliktk

Member
hey man/woman, so I'm bored at work and just read through your personal statement. I made some changes/suggestions without trying to take away from your content, but just for the sake of clarification/ease of reading. Overall it good, def has the SWOcentric vibe.

my thoughts:
- I found it to be incredibly wordy, some of which were just long run-on sentences that were either repetitive or unnecessary.
-There are some areas you could expand on to include more talking points.
-I was confused, i understand you mentioned you wanted to be concise, but What the hell do you do? I think its better to at least state it. Done. Leave it at that. Reading through that, my thoughts were trying to figure that out rather than paying attention to the content.
Thank you for the feed back. I'm sorry if it was confusing.
 

StewburnerCS1

New Member
Good Afternoon,

CS1(SW) here with 9 years in applying for OCS (Intel and SWO)...Started on a DDG then went to be Enlisted Aide to a COCOM for 2 yrs, when he retired went to Secnav Mess staff in the Pentagon for 2 years and I am about 10 days from transferring to a Precomm DDG. Set to graduate in May with Bachelors in Communications, currently studying for the OAR and wondering if anyone could give me constructive feedback on my statement this is probably my 10th draft.

With all respect,

CS1
Update: I took my OAR and scored a 56
 

kbal731

Well-Known Member
Hi all,
I was recently pro rec'd for SWO, and I know there's a lot of lurkers out there who need help on where to get started for writing their motivational statements. Thought I would share mine to help yall out. Take it with a grain of salt, no one really knows what they are looking for or how much your statement actually weighs on your app, but the whole idea is selling yourself and being swocentric right?

My decision to become a Naval Officer has been long-engrained through my upbringing and further reinforced by my experiences as a working professional. It was never a matter of “if I would serve” but “when I would serve”. Growing up a first-generation American, I was constantly reminded how lucky I am to be here. It was not until I was older did I realize what this meant; that we are presented countless opportunities for one to be successful. I believe that this is something uniquely American. So, despite having unlimited career prospects, I have always believed that it is fitting for me to pursue one that would protect these American ideals and ensure future generations have the same opportunities I was given.

Much of this ambition is credited to my father, who despite growing up under a different flag, recognized the significance the United States Navy plays in protecting our freedoms around the world. This notion ultimately led him to swear an oath to defend a country he had never set foot on prior to recruit training. Through him, I saw what a motivated individual can contribute and take away from serving in the Navy. From all the different ways to serve my country, seeing this set the decision for me to choose the Navy.

My upbringing may have shaped my choice in military service, but my experiences as an adult has solidified my decision to choose a career path as a Surface Warfare Officer. During my time in college I was elected to serve as chapter president of my fraternity. This newfound leadership quickly taught me the complex demands required to successfully run an organization. Throughout my tenure, I learned how to delegate duty, deal in conflict resolution, and bear the responsibility of representing an organization. By the end of my time as president, we were able to pay off our chapter’s debt, quadruple our fundraising from the previous year, and achieve the highest GPA on campus amongst fraternities.

After college I worked in a fast-paced surgical eye clinic. With no prior experience, I quickly had to master technical skills I never thought I would be doing. I learned the importance of adhering to detail to safeguard a patient’s health. As a result of my quick learning, I was selected to learn further testing, being one of only two technicians performing electroretinography in the Washington DC area at the time.

The biggest takeaway I have learned from patient care was not just how to learn new things quickly, but more importantly how to compose oneself despite a challenging a situation. I learned the importance of maintaining a sense of confidence in anything you do. Any sense of uncertainty would easily be noticed by a patient and make them uneasy. A confident bearing would always assure them that they were getting care the best possible care. I believe this mentality is especially important as a future Surface Warfare Officer when it comes down to leading men and women.

My current work in medical research has brought me face-to-face with veterans from wars past and present. I have examined the effects of post-war injuries and led educational discussions on treatment for veterans. It is ultimately this experience that has pushed me to make the decision I am making today. Despite physical and mental struggle, I have rarely noticed resentment regarding their service. One commonality was knowing that their service contributed to the best fighting force in the world. As mentioned, it was never a matter of “if”, but “when”. I feel my talents have done all they can for me as a civilian and only prepared me for the next step as an Officer Candidate. I hope to continue this legacy and ensure the United States remains the best fighting force in the world.

The enthusiasm I have for this country and Navy would be the driving force for my motivation even in the face of adversity. My leadership through interpersonal skills, problem solving, and attention to detail would make me best suited as a Surface Warfare Officer. I believe this demeanor directly translates to what is needed to command and mentor sailors, enlisted and officer alike.
 
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