Thank you, my kinesiology brethren.I think you've got a good starting point, but there's a few things that I feel could use a little adjusting. First, I don't think it's necessary to explain or describe what you think the Navy core values mean. The individuals reviewing these statements already know. I think using the core values in your statement is a solid choice, but try incorporating how you personally display those values in your life with examples of things you've done/accomplished to display honor, courage, and commitment. Basically I think the 2nd paragraph needs to be redone, too much fluff, not enough substance.
I think you've got a lot of meat that can be expanded upon in your third paragraph. You've clearly accomplished a lot through hard work and dedication to your athletics. I want to hear how you did some of those, what you learned from them, and how they've helped to make you a leader that can set the example for junior sailors and handle the stress of military life. List some things sure, but instead of having only a list, try expanding a few key accomplishments. Maybe explain how being the first in your family to get a degree was a challenge (maybe wasn't, maybe it was I don't know) and how you handled it, or how you helped patients at the Hussman Center, or what actions you took to create and run the Kinesiology club (dope by the way, I'm also a Kin major). What have you led, and what was the outcome is a point I think they'd be interested in.
Anywho, just a few suggestions. My final version changed quite a bit from the draft I posted here, and it wound up helping me get selected. I had to remove a lot of fluff and expand on things as well. Just get it to as many eyes as possible before you submit it. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you!!