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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

ostliel

New Member
Hello all,

This forum has been helpful so far and is much appreciated. I'm hoping to get some input on my statement prior to submission. Any comments welcomed.

_____________________________________________
Great character is forged by great experiences and there are few experiences more rewarding than service to one’s country. As American citizens, we are afforded opportunities unimaginable to others around the world. The privilege of this freedom is hard fought and earned by those who serve. I am writing this letter to express my desire to become an Officer of the United States Navy and what I may offer in my service.

I have witnessed the sacrifices made by friends and family who have served, so I do not take lightly my decision to do the same. There is a cost to maintaining the freedom we presently enjoy for the generations that follow us and it is essential to do so. I see no worthy alternative to the idea that every man commands his own destiny, so I feel a duty in serving to preserve it.

In an organization as large as the United States Navy, effective leadership is critical. The most effective leaders are those who understand the objective and understand their team. They lead by example, owning the team’s shortcomings and sharing in their victories. I have been fortunate in life to have examples of these effective leaders and have worked to become one myself.

As an elected captain of my university’s swim team, I was accountable for the success of my teammates in the pool, academically, and personally. With our school in financial trouble, the swim team was one of many programs in danger of being cut from the athletic department entirely. Some factors of the situation were out of our control, but I also knew that any mistakes were likely to draw unwanted attention from school administrators.

With my coaches and co-captains, we devised a plan to ensure our team excelled in every way. My co-captains and I oversaw additional captains practices and mandatory team study hours. I was also charged with assuring compliance in our social code of conduct, maintaining team participation in fundraising and volunteer.

We ended the season with a second place finish at the conference championship meet. We completed more community service hours than any other athletic team and achieved the highest team average GPA. Though some teams were cut that Spring, my team survived as a direct result of our efforts and it is still thriving today.

After graduating in May 2015 with a B.S. in Marketing, I moved from Minnesota to Arizona to begin my career. I started working as a Customer Experience Representative for a local startup at which I am still employed today. One benefit of working for a fast growing company is that there are many learning opportunities. In a few short years, I’ve learned many lessons and skills that would serve the Navy well.

First, preparation for major events is crucial and failing to prepare can result in complete failure. In 2018 the company began rolling out a series of products that had long been in development. Our offerings grew from three to thirteen products in a period of eight months with each rollout growing in complexity. When our first step into a new product category was fundamentally flawed, we were not prepared to deal with the fallout.

An oversight at the manufacturing and quality levels resulted in the selling of structurally inadequate products to over four hundred customers in just a few weeks. We recognized the problem immediately following delivery of the first shipment, but no formal procedures existed for addressing such a wide-scale defect. The problem continued to grow until we ultimately issued a formal product recall.

Now in a position of navigating a sensitive legal situation with minimal training and no clear path to completion, problems compounded further. Stress mounted on the team as we attempted to tie together disparate threads and it was another two months before the issue was resolved. We weathered the storm and got better by doing it, but the problem took its toll on our bottom line, our reputation for quality that is a cornerstone of our company, and the wellbeing of our team. I learned how one critical failure can have rippling affects to an entire team and beyond. As a Naval Officer, I will always work to prepare my team for contingencies like these.

Though there is no substitute for preparedness, adaptability is equally important when operating in any competitive environment. There will always be unplanned circumstances that arise out of complex projects. I learned this through my role on our Amazon team, which is tasked with recreating our direct customer experience for those who purchase our products on third party platforms.

Since my employment began, we’ve increased our footprint in third-party channels from two to seven products and more than quadrupled our annual channel revenue to $80M. Customer contacts rose proportionally to sales and it soon became difficult to maintain service in the channel without diverting resources from our direct business.

My work has been focused on developing a service infrastructure for the platform to more efficiently service our customers. The implementation of new workflows and improvements to existing resources resulted in reaching a sustainable service level for the first time in over a year. Because they are scalable, these changes will be valuable as the channel continues to grow.

My current position has provided me many opportunities to learn through work on projects that would normally be outside the scope of my job. I am incredibly thankful to the company for this time, but I am also ready to continue that pace of learning in a new environment. I have always been fascinated by the vastness of the open sea and I am excited to pursue a line of work with deeper implications than “customer happiness.”

The world is changing which creates both threats and opportunities for those who pay attention. While this truth extends to the individual level, it is born of our nation’s collective strength. I recognize the importance of strong maritime capabilities in sustaining these opportunities.

Like many who aspire to military service, I am attracted to the possibility of seeing the world and the honor of service. Even more, I am drawn by the growth of overcoming hard-fought challenges. As a commissioned Officer I will take personal ownership of leading the execution of those duties assigned to me and treat them for what they are: implicit opportunity for the professional growth of my team and myself.

I am grateful for the opportunity of submitting this application and I appreciate your consideration.
 
Does anyone know the proper capitalization for the phrases "naval aviation" and "Naval Aviator"?

From my research, it seems neither word in "naval aviation" is capitalized, but the term "Naval Aviator" is capitalized because it is a specific job. However, evidence is pretty thin on both accounts and I was hoping someone out there who knows more about it could provide some advice on the matter. I use both terms at least once in my motivational statement and would like to use them correctly.

Thanks in advance to whomever has an answer to this.
 

RecruitingGuru

Making Recruiting Great Again
Does anyone know the proper capitalization for the phrases "naval aviation" and "Naval Aviator"?

From my research, it seems neither word in "naval aviation" is capitalized, but the term "Naval Aviator" is capitalized because it is a specific job. However, evidence is pretty thin on both accounts and I was hoping someone out there who knows more about it could provide some advice on the matter. I use both terms at least once in my motivational statement and would like to use them correctly.

Thanks in advance to whomever has an answer to this.
I think you answered your own question.
 
I was also charged with assuring compliance in our social code of conduct, maintaining team participation in fundraising and volunteer.
I think you missed the word "work" at the end of your sentence.

Since my employment began, we’ve increased our footprint in third-party channels from two to seven products and more than quadrupled our annual channel revenue to $80M.
I think you should spell out million instead of "$80M."

Also, I noticed a few instances where you capitalized "Naval Officer" and "commissioned Officer." I don't think you are supposed capitalize any of those words.

All in all, I admire your statement. Good luck and I hope you get commissioned.
 

ostliel

New Member
I think you missed the word "work" at the end of your sentence.



I think you should spell out million instead of "$80M."

Also, I noticed a few instances where you capitalized "Naval Officer" and "commissioned Officer." I don't think you are supposed capitalize any of those words.

All in all, I admire your statement. Good luck and I hope you get commissioned.
Thanks for the extra eyes. Comments much appreciated.
 

Viperthe2

New Member
Hello,

I, like many in this incredibly helpful forum, am in the process of making my OCS package. My goal is to become a SWO. I'm hoping to get feedback, constructive criticism, or really any criticism about my personal statement. This is still a draft, and I'm still working on ways to shorten it a little, but I'm hoping to see if I'm heading in the right direction, or if it's straight crap:


Honor, Courage, Commitment. Three values that have resonated deep within me ever since I joined the Navy as an enlisted Sailor, and that have become the foundation of which I live my life by. I left the Navy to attend university, and to grow both intellectually, and personally. In that time, I’ve recognized that above all else, the one thing that keeps me going is my desire to serve something larger than myself.

I believe the best way I can do this would be in service to this great country, as an officer in the United States Navy. It would afford me not only the opportunity to serve with our nation’s best, but the ability to help shape the future of the Navy. While serving as an AEGIS Fire Controlman, I had the privilege to serve under several amazing officers. These people, these mentors, helped shape me to be the man I am today. The best ones took an interest in my development not just as a Sailor, but as a person. They pushed me to my greatest potential, and made me recognize any errors I’ve made in order to learn from them. The worst ones served as an example of how I would do things differently if placed in the same situation.

While serving, I led dozens of junior Sailors to successful ESWS pinnings, and promotions, as well as through various maintenance evolutions, and qualifications. I did so not just through teaching, and delegation, but by setting the example. I find the most honorable, and effective leaders are the ones that lead by example. As such, I always maintained a high degree of attention to detail in my work, in my appearance, and in my professionalism.

The commitment I had to my shipmates was recognized on several occasions. I was promoted to E5 within two years of enlistment, received a citation for superior performance of duties from Rear Admiral Holloway, my Commanding Officer, and MCPON West. I also received 2 letters of appreciation from Commanding Officers, 1 from a LCDR of Navy Medical, and earned the Navy and Marine Corps Achievement Medal for superior performance of duties.

As a civilian, and in school at the University of Texas at Austin, I had the opportunity to lead several class projects, group presentations, and discussion sessions. I found it best to learn about each of my peer’s strengths and weaknesses. Knowing these details allowed me to turn a group of individuals into a cohesive team. These teams always delivered, earning A’s, and the highest of praise from our professors. Through hard work, and dedication to my grades, I was invited to join the Kappa Delta Pi honor society at the University of Texas. Ultimately I earned my Bachelors of Science degree in Kinesiology and Exercise Science, with a minor in Biology.

The process of earning this degree has taught me many skills. Most importantly of which, is the ability to think critically. When I first started school, I struggled. The answers weren’t all there in a technical publication to find. I had to approach ambiguous problems from multiple angles to find the appropriate solution. Now this process comes as second nature, and will help me succeed through the wide ranging challenges naval officers face on a day to day basis.

While in school, and working, I’ve found it crucial to be able to contribute to the greater good of my city. I’ve dedicated over a hundred volunteer hours at various physical therapy clinics, helping physical therapists administer life changing care. I currently volunteer at local farmers markets, where I’ve thus far dedicated over six hundred hours. I’ve been able to establish communication, and relationships between local Texas farmers, and establishments such as Sustainable Food Centers, Whole Foods, and the individuals of Austin. This has helped to raise tens of thousands of dollars for several farmers of Central Texas.

Though I’m proud of my accomplishments, and personal growth achieved since I left the Navy, there’s still one major thing missing, being a part of something greater than myself. No job, no class, no group or organization I’ve been a part of has instilled the same level of pride, and feeling of family that the Navy did. Having the privilege to serve alongside the greatest Sailors on Earth, and lead the next generation through the coming challenges this country, and Navy will face will be the greatest honor of my life. Thank you for your time, and consideration.
 

AULANI

Well-Known Member
Hello,

I, like many in this incredibly helpful forum, am in the process of making my OCS package. My goal is to become a SWO. I'm hoping to get feedback, constructive criticism, or really any criticism about my personal statement. This is still a draft, and I'm still working on ways to shorten it a little, but I'm hoping to see if I'm heading in the right direction, or if it's straight crap:


Honor, Courage, Commitment. Three values that have resonated deep within me ever since I joined the Navy as an enlisted Sailor, and that have become the foundation of which I live my life by. I left the Navy to attend university, and to grow both intellectually, and personally. In that time, I’ve recognized that above all else, the one thing that keeps me going is my desire to serve something larger than myself.

I believe the best way I can do this would be in service to this great country, as an officer in the United States Navy. It would afford me not only the opportunity to serve with our nation’s best, but the ability to help shape the future of the Navy. While serving as an AEGIS Fire Controlman, I had the privilege to serve under several amazing officers. These people, these mentors, helped shape me to be the man I am today. The best ones took an interest in my development not just as a Sailor, but as a person. They pushed me to my greatest potential, and made me recognize any errors I’ve made in order to learn from them. The worst ones served as an example of how I would do things differently if placed in the same situation.

While serving, I led dozens of junior Sailors to successful ESWS pinnings, and promotions, as well as through various maintenance evolutions, and qualifications. I did so not just through teaching, and delegation, but by setting the example. I find the most honorable, and effective leaders are the ones that lead by example. As such, I always maintained a high degree of attention to detail in my work, in my appearance, and in my professionalism.

The commitment I had to my shipmates was recognized on several occasions. I was promoted to E5 within two years of enlistment, received a citation for superior performance of duties from Rear Admiral Holloway, my Commanding Officer, and MCPON West. I also received 2 letters of appreciation from Commanding Officers, 1 from a LCDR of Navy Medical, and earned the Navy and Marine Corps Achievement Medal for superior performance of duties.

As a civilian, and in school at the University of Texas at Austin, I had the opportunity to lead several class projects, group presentations, and discussion sessions. I found it best to learn about each of my peer’s strengths and weaknesses. Knowing these details allowed me to turn a group of individuals into a cohesive team. These teams always delivered, earning A’s, and the highest of praise from our professors. Through hard work, and dedication to my grades, I was invited to join the Kappa Delta Pi honor society at the University of Texas. Ultimately I earned my Bachelors of Science degree in Kinesiology and Exercise Science, with a minor in Biology.

The process of earning this degree has taught me many skills. Most importantly of which, is the ability to think critically. When I first started school, I struggled. The answers weren’t all there in a technical publication to find. I had to approach ambiguous problems from multiple angles to find the appropriate solution. Now this process comes as second nature, and will help me succeed through the wide ranging challenges naval officers face on a day to day basis.

While in school, and working, I’ve found it crucial to be able to contribute to the greater good of my city. I’ve dedicated over a hundred volunteer hours at various physical therapy clinics, helping physical therapists administer life changing care. I currently volunteer at local farmers markets, where I’ve thus far dedicated over six hundred hours. I’ve been able to establish communication, and relationships between local Texas farmers, and establishments such as Sustainable Food Centers, Whole Foods, and the individuals of Austin. This has helped to raise tens of thousands of dollars for several farmers of Central Texas.

Though I’m proud of my accomplishments, and personal growth achieved since I left the Navy, there’s still one major thing missing, being a part of something greater than myself. No job, no class, no group or organization I’ve been a part of has instilled the same level of pride, and feeling of family that the Navy did. Having the privilege to serve alongside the greatest Sailors on Earth, and lead the next generation through the coming challenges this country, and Navy will face will be the greatest honor of my life. Thank you for your time, and consideration.
I don't think anybody really reads these things but here's something... you say, "No job, no class, no group or organization I’ve been a part of has instilled the same level of pride, and feeling of family that the Navy did." But then why did you get out? Just to go to college? You're basically saying "I had the best job ever but I stopped doing it." I'm just playing devil's advocate here but those are the questions I have when reading your statement. Be honest about why you got out and why you're going back in.

I was a prior myself and was out for 13 years before coming back in so I can relate to your situation. Again, who knows if anyone really reads these things. At the end of the day just have a good GPA and a high OAR score and you'll probably get selected. Good luck!
 

Viperthe2

New Member
I don't think anybody really reads these things but here's something... you say, "No job, no class, no group or organization I’ve been a part of has instilled the same level of pride, and feeling of family that the Navy did." But then why did you get out? Just to go to college? You're basically saying "I had the best job ever but I stopped doing it." I'm just playing devil's advocate here but those are the questions I have when reading your statement. Be honest about why you got out and why you're going back in.

I was a prior myself and was out for 13 years before coming back in so I can relate to your situation. Again, who knows if anyone really reads these things. At the end of the day just have a good GPA and a high OAR score and you'll probably get selected. Good luck!
Thank you Aulani. I don’t know if these are read or not either, but I’m writing it as if it counted big time. I appreciate the time you took to go through this, and point out your thoughts. I’ve taken into account your point on elaborating on why I left, and want back in. I also intend to remove some of the generalized statements I made regarding my time in college. I realized they didn’t have much impact. Anywho, thanks again!
 
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