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Funniest thing on cruise / det

helolumpy

Apprentice School Principal
pilot
Contributor
Preview
Back on the TR in 95 we had two VF squadrons. During the TransLant home they hold a 'rack-a-thon' against each other. Both squadrons have 10 guys in the rack. The rules are you are allowed out of the rack for 30 minutes each day. The CAG LSOs were the inspectors.
So, to help out the squadron the O-4's picked up SDO duty. During the final man overboard of the deployment the CNAL inspectors are grading for Battle E points.
The JO's tell the SDO that everyone is accounted for, including the designated rackers who can leave their racks or else face elimination.
The SDO is an idiot and calls in the name of one of the rackers. Now this JO has to put on his khakis (having already packed them) and shower and shave since he's been in the rack for 4 days straight so he can report to Deck House 1.
So the ship is calling this one guys name for about 20 minutes before he finally reports.
The BATGRU Commander is pissed and goes to yell at
CAG. CAG not wanting to take the face shot, drags the Admiral down to the offending Ready Room. The CO and XO now have to deal with a pissed off CAG and BATGRU Commander when the CAPT of the TR shows up and wants to know why he just lost the Battle E....
All eyes turn to the SDO (our fearless Dept Head) and the Admiral asks him what happened. The SDO starts talking about the Rack-a-thon and how the mix up happened. The Admiral is not getting more pissed off, asks the SDO if someone had reported to him that the JO was accounted for at the beginning. The SDO fesses up that the last man was reported accounted for, but since he didn't see him, he called in his name.
The Admiral turns around and looks at
CAG and tells him that the O-4 standing duty is going to stand duty everyday until we return to Norfolk and he is NOT going to fly-off!

Couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch of guys!!

 

Flying Low

Yea sure or Yes Sir?
pilot
Contributor
2003-04 in the NAG on my 2p det. We make a Christmas eve run from Bahrain out to some ships to deliver a high priority box of Christmas decorations. The crewmen in the back go through the boxes and finds a Santa suit. He takes his flight suit off and puts the Santa suit on. We hit a couple of boats and end up at the one who wanted their suit back. The crewman takes the suit off and is now only wearing a Red Speedo and a Santa Hat on the flight deck on a single spot. Now flash 1 month later and this crewman is wearing the same speedo, a headset and boots. We hit 4 or 5 boats and plan on getting my live hoist quall. What we didn't know was the crewman put on his SV2 but not the flight suit. So we hoisted him like 5 times wearing a vest and speedo. The CMC of the boat saw this and called the 5th fleet's CMC. Next thing you know the CO flies out to Bahrain and flies back with the crewman. The skipper did manage to leave some Non Punitive letters for the HAC's.


2004-05 I was flying commercial out to Naples for my HAC det with my 2P. We get delayed out of Norfolk and missed our connecting flight. We end up on a plane with a high school cheer-leading team on its way to London to compete. Well the 2P starts running some serious game on one of the girls. After about 2 hours of "That's right, Naval Aviator" and "How old are you again?" the father of the girl (who was sitting right behind them) made her switch seats.
 

Catmando

Keep your knots up.
pilot
Super Moderator
Contributor
0300 local, mid-Pacific. USS Enterprise, steaming rapidly home after a long WestPac cruise. Last night for "Alert" duty.

Time for a practical joke.:icon_smil

Practical joke target: "Vito", an Alert-15, F-14 RIO (whom I owed) in full flight gear, sleeping soundly and snoring loudly in our Ready Room.

Briefing our duty officer, Vito's pilot, our sister fighter squadron's ready room and their alert crew on my nefarious plan, I then went down to AirOps and briefed the sleepy mid-watch duty sailors there. Then I punched up our Ready Room #1 on AirOp's 5MC, and transmitted:

"Now hear this, now hear this…..Launch the Alert-15, that is, launch the Alert-15…….that means you, Vito!"

(What I should have realized – but foolishly didn't – was although I had only punched up Ready #1 for my "private-I-thought" transmission, any box on the ship could have already been punched up to the AirOps box, including the ship's Bridge, and could hear me. :( )

I immediately went to my stateroom smiling. I envisioned Vito suddenly waking up and scampering to the flight deck on a wild goose chase.

But within a minute or two, I had a sickening feeling as I could feel the Enterprise heel hard to port, turning into the wind. Worse, I could hear huffers on deck cranking up and the Air Boss shouting orders and "Flight Quarters". I suddenly knew I was in very deep kimchee!!!

Several minutes later, my phone rang. SDO says, "Skipper wants to see you, right now!!!! (It was still the middle of the night.)

************************************************************************************************************

Fortunately all eventually ended well for ALCON, although I had some serious sweating and rug-dancing to do for two-plus days.

Thankfully, without a known target, the fighters on the cat didn't launch into a bad wx night. And although I had awakened CO Enterprise from a deep sleep to a very confused bridge, and a CIC and OPs without any answers, his understandable anger eventually subsided.

Later he told me he had wanted to simulate a launch because he thought the airwing was becoming lax. He decided not to, since it was the last night going home. That I did it – launch the alert - and the fighters and ship were all ready for launch many minutes under the required 15 minutes pleased him, and he much later, smilingly thanked me.

Lots more followed on, but all was well that ended well, and lots of later laughs……..thankfully. Whew! :eek:

Nevertheless, for a few minutes as a JO, I was inadvertently in command of the USS Enterprise! ... and lived to tell about it. :eek:..... :D
 

Fly Navy

...Great Job!
pilot
Super Moderator
Contributor
Holy. Sh1t. That's an awesome story Catmando. I would have sh1t myself after realizing the ship was getting ready to launch.
 

Harrier Dude

Living the dream
One of my former bosses had a guy that would always fall soundly asleep in the readyroom. They would cover him with toiletpaper and light it on fire. Then they'd all yell, "On FIRE!!!" at him to wake him up. He never got hurt, but his reaction was evidently worth it.

His callsign was Sparky.

Note: this was well before TRA, and even before ORM........don't try this at home.
 

staplegun

New Member
I flew H-3's in HS-6, an antisubmarine squadron in Air-wing 11 based aboard the USS Enterprise. When I joined the Navy to fly I had visions of The Right Stuff and The Great Santini in terms of the pecking order of Naval Aviators, i.e., the fighter pilots were the wild men and everyone else ranked down from there.

I was very surprised to find that in Airwing 11 HS-6 had the reputation as the hardest-partying, wildest group, and the F-14 guys were all married with 2 & 1/2 kids and a dog and a Subaru station wagon.

I had joined the squadron at the beginning of a long work-up cycle prior to an 8 month WestPac/Indian Ocean deployment, so by the time the cruise started I was well integrated into being "one-of-the-guys." Our first liberty port was Hawaii for a couple days, then back out for a big RIMPAC exercise around Hawaii with the Aussie's, the Brit's, etc. then back into port for a huge stand-down and party. Good times...

A day out of Pearl on our way to the P.I., our squadron received a new Ensign aboard the COD.

George was Puerto Rican, stood about 6 feet tall, had a great accent and quite the attitude... but his distinguishing feature was that he looked like the cartoon character "Baby Huey," and, of course, being the caring & nurturing souls we were the JO's in the squadron soon bestowed this nickname on poor George.

Fast forward several weeks, and the Enterprise is pulling into Subic Bay on a beautiful morning. George had done OK, but he was desperate to establish himself and stop being the "new guy."

The Officers Club at NAS Cubi Point stood up on a very tall, flat-topped hill looking over the bay, with the main dining room and bar up on a terrace overlooking a huge grass lawn which swept to the edge of the hill. There was a large open veranda adjoining the main bar, and under this was an "informal" bar. HS-6 was having an officers party in that "informal" bar that afternoon.

At the party, copious amounts of adult beverages were consumed... As things were winding down around 5:00PM, there was some beer chugging going on amongst the JO's. At this point "Baby Huey" picks up a 1/8 full pitcher of beer, holds it up in front of himself and exclaims loudly and in front of the entire assembled officer compliment, some 24 or so, in his best, slurred Puerto Rican accent, "I'll show you guys how to drink!!!"

Instantly 2 or 3 arms shot out and grabbed George's wrist and held it while every drink in the group was emptied into the pitcher.

"OK George, show us how to drink!"

Well, nobody ever said George didn't try hard...

He started chugging that pitcher full of beer, whisky, gin - who know's what. Having already consumed more than his share, it was quite a feat and he almost pulled it off...

As he got towards the bottom, it was obvious he wasn't going to be able to finish, and also that all that had passed before was in danger of coming back up. George stopped with just a slosh left in the bottom, and kind of reeled a little. He had that wild-eyed look that a runaway horse gets and we all knew what was coming. Some wag started chanting "puke, puke, puke" and we all took it up. Frantically George looked for a way out, and ran for a pair of double doors leading to that green lawn in front of the O-club followed by a mass of laughing, chanting squadron-mates...

"Puke, puke, puke..."

Unbeknownst to us, the Rear-Admiral battle Group commander was hosting a party for the Air-wing Commander and his staff and the CO of the Enterprise and some of his senior staff, along with their wives, on the veranda looking out over Subic Bay and that nice green lawn in front of the O-club.

Out we come, onto the lawn with our backs to the veranda, trailing a reeling George and yelling at the top of our lungs now, "puke, puke, puke!"

George made it to the bushes at the edge and emptied his stomach to loud cheers. Then we all turned around to head back into the bar and were greeted with the sight of a Rear Admiral, several full-bird Captains, various Commanders, and lots of wives - all with glasses of white wine in their hands - standing at the rail of the veranda 10 feet above our heads. It was obvious that our "puke" chant had stopped all conversation and they were just staring at us in a sort of "shocked incomprehension" daze.

We, dumbfounded, stared back. Finally they all turned back and resumed their conversations and we quietly slunk back into the bar.

Of course we became famous for that incident and George didn't have to buy a drink for awhile...

Our skipper, who was with us for the whole thing, had some 'splainin' to do, but nothing came of it...

So, that's one PI story...


Kevin
 

bubblehead

Registered Member
Contributor
great stories...

On one particularly boring OP during WESTPAC a group of us commandeered the XO's stateroom door and hid it in the bowls of the engine room.

The ensuing field day was the longest ever...
 

Catmando

Keep your knots up.
pilot
Super Moderator
Contributor
Below is an addendum to my practical joke described in an
earlier post #40, telling how I accidently took command of the USS Enterprise :eek: :eek:

Scroll to the bottom here to read the accompanying '7th Fleet' :eek: citation, written by 'unknown' JOs who smelled blood in the water, and seized a rare opportunity. ;)




"NOW, LAUNCH THE ALERT"


It was the 17th of October
The nite air was so calm
The Enterprise was headed home
I day just east of Guam


And VF-1 had plans that nite
To liven things a little
But very much to their surprise,
They landed in the middle


As Cat departed for Air Ops
And Vito slept so sound
All work had stopped in ready one
The aircrews gathered round


NOW LAUNCH THE ALERT, NOW LAUNCH THE ALERT!
Cat called thru the box on the wall
And Vito shot out of Ready-ONE
Pasta, linguini and all


But the joke didn't stop in Ready-ONE
As we were soon to learn
Flt deck, the boss, and Ready-SIX
Had started the fighters to turn


LAUNCH THE ALERT, LAUNCH THE ALERT!
Came calls to the flight deck from the Boss
When Capt "A" asked, "what de hey?"
Combat was at a loss


As huffers turned, and cats were readied
And Big "E" turned to the wind
It soon became apparent to all
FIGHTER ONE had committed a sin


As the fleet made preparations for
The alert launch of Cheshire
I'm sure they thought the word to launch
Had come from a man much higher


Not so fast, it's just a joke
Came words from Ready-ONE
But this had gone much too far
Airborne launched 101


Cat caused more commotion that day
Than the British blockade of Boston
And later that night explained his side
With [CO] Muggs in front of [Capt.] Austin.


We'd launched our own alert that night
That is our claim to fame
The Wolfpack launched, the Bullets didn't
Number ONE remains the same.


(Authors: Stalker & Spock)

"

[See what can happen with too much time on your hands on a long transPac?]
 

feddoc

Really old guy
Super Moderator
Contributor
Have many, but here is one......

Our two crews off the last night recovery come into the Ready Room for the highly anticipated night's movie. Unexpectedly, the XO of the EA-6's comes into our ready room with a serious look, and our Skipper and he have a private conversation in the passageway.

Skipper returns, telling us that the last cycle had a severe EA-6 'radiation' leak. He said our last cycle crew had to report to sickbay, ASAP! – for "treatment". :D:D

Of course everyone was in on the joke… all the way up to the CO of the Enterprise… except for our two punked crews. ;) In sickbay, they were told they had to produce a "semen specimen" to be checked for "radiation damage."

They produced. :eek: Then they returned to a howling Ready Room and missed the 1st half of the best flick of the cruise!


I did the same thing to a new diver who reported to our command. Asked him how many mixed gas dives he had done. It just so happened that the number met the threshold for a new BUMED sperm motility study....gotta see if the little fellas are swimming upstream correctly.

So, off he goes to the lab where awaits a willing HM1. He shoves the diver into a small bathroom with one of those little white cups that looks like it was supposed to hold ketchup.

BM2 comes out of the head to find his new DH and the rest of the crew laughing their asses off. Good times.
 

lmnop

Active Member
I did the same thing to a new diver who reported to our command. Asked him how many mixed gas dives he had done. It just so happened that the number met the threshold for a new BUMED sperm motility study....gotta see if the little fellas are swimming upstream correctly.

So, off he goes to the lab where awaits a willing HM1. He shoves the diver into a small bathroom with one of those little white cups that looks like it was supposed to hold ketchup.

BM2 comes out of the head to find his new DH and the rest of the crew laughing their asses off. Good times.
Not sure which is worse, that or the guy from my platoon that provided the physiologists with an unsolicited sample of a similar variety while removing his temperature probe following a warm water study.:yuck_125:

Edit: For the uninitiated, the temp probe has a bead on it and goes in door number 2.
 

Hozer

Jobu needs a refill!
None
Contributor
Vestfjord '91, NATO ex during October-November. We've been flying around bouncing our 60B on every possible NATO deck and doing the zap thing, the moon thing, the naked chock-and-chainer thing, etc, etc. The limeys land on our deck and we raise the hangar doors (FFG-7) up to crotch length and the entire crash crew is naked for the duration of their refueling/pax transfer.

Pass and review time, near the end of the exercise, we launch potato volleys from the flight deck at the limeys as they smartly pass by. Later, they fly by with a Lynx at 60 ft-ish, 30 knots or so with a naked crewman peddling a bicycle suspended from the rescue hoist. They win.
 
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