Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[Creeping_Geep]

All,

Please tear this up for me... thank you!
------
I was born and raised on a dairy farm in Iowa. I received a public school education and had no real prospects for a future outside of agriculture. I took a chance and enlisted in the Navy at 17. Since then, I have become proficient in multiple foreign languages, led Sailors and joint personnel at the NSA and DIA, been published in the PDB, and conducted ISR operations across the world. The Navy enabled me to become the first man in my line to receive a college education, complete graduate school, and be admitted to a doctoral program.

I have worked alongside intelligence officers on seven deployments, and I have gained a full appreciation of the profound responsibility they shoulder; in fact, I owe my life to them. When my reconnaissance platform was engaged by hostile forces, my crew and I used the information from our pre-mission briefing to egress the threat envelope, commit our own weapons systems to destroy the enemy, and return to base safely. I have also celebrated intelligence successes in the supporting role, serving with KIWC officers on the ground providing threat warning and force protection during more than a hundred direct action missions.

I’m applying for the intelligence officer program because I have spent 15 years at the tip of the spear, and I’m ready to bring that experience to bear in the wardroom and lead the next generation of IWC professionals through this renewed period of Great Power Competition. Let me throw the spear!

 

[amf0229]

All,

Please tear this up for me... thank you!
------
I was born and raised on a dairy farm in Iowa. I received a public school education and had no real prospects for a future outside of agriculture. I took a chance and enlisted in the Navy at 17. Since then, I have become proficient in multiple foreign languages, led Sailors and joint personnel at the NSA and DIA, been published in the PDB, and conducted ISR operations across the world. The Navy enabled me to become the first man in my line to receive a college education, complete graduate school, and be admitted to a doctoral program.

I have worked alongside intelligence officers on seven deployments, and I have gained a full appreciation of the profound responsibility they shoulder; in fact, I owe my life to them. When my reconnaissance platform was engaged by hostile forces, my crew and I used the information from our pre-mission briefing to egress the threat envelope, commit our own weapons systems to destroy the enemy, and return to base safely. I have also celebrated intelligence successes in the supporting role, serving with KIWC officers on the ground providing threat warning and force protection during more than a hundred direct action missions.

I’m applying for the intelligence officer program because I have spent 15 years at the tip of the spear, and I’m ready to bring that experience to bear in the wardroom and lead the next generation of IWC professionals through this renewed period of Great Power Competition. Let me throw the spear!

Idk if it’s the same thing (I feel like there is a lot of intel officer options) and I don’t really know that side of the house but someone in another thread had posted that intel is closed for FY22 because they reached all of their quotas already. Just wanted to give you a heads up!!

 

[amf0229]

Idk if it’s the same thing (I feel like there is a lot of intel officer options) and I don’t really know that side of the house but someone in another thread had posted that intel is closed for FY22 because they reached all of their quotas already. Just wanted to give you a heads up!!

Anddd I just realized that you were the person that created that board so my bad?? I’m sorry man that really sucks! Do you have any backup plans?

 

[Creeping_Geep]

Anddd I just realized that you were the person that created that board so my bad?? I’m sorry man that really sucks! Do you have any backup plans?

Yes, talking to an Army recruiter later this week.

 

[TheDR]

This is my rough draft for my personal statement, would love to get brutally honest feedback! Thanks.


Through my time as a student at ---- studying finance and business analytics, I was not completely sure what I wanted to do with my life. It was during the summer before my senior year of college in which I realized what I wanted out of my life was not to move up a corporate ladder and make money, but that I could look back on my life and see that I answered a higher calling and did something truly meaningful. I am pursuing a position as a Naval Officer to serve my country, and to have a real direct impact on the world.

My education in business has helped me not only gain a solid understanding of business acumen and the business world in general, it has also helped me broaden my analytical abilities. More importantly, as our nation and military faces ever-changing situations and threats, I want to bring my adaptability and critical thinking ability to our Navy to best prepare us for anything that arises. Additionally, during my summer financial analyst position with -----, I worked on a project to find and assess risks to the company; through collaboration with 17 different functions throughout the company, I spearheaded a new process to handle due diligence and deal structure. The skillset I developed through this experience is unique and something I believe is highly applicable to being an officer.

What I see to be of even greater importance, however, is the ability of officers to be able to lead a team effectively towards a common mission. Through my experience as a tutor then as an academic coach, I have learned how to teach and guide, rather than simply telling one what to do. In an unexpected way, my time as a sales associate at ----showed me how to sell not just a product, but an idea; instead of thinking about what the person can do for you, showing them what the product or mission can do for them is much more effective. That ability to bring people together and to desire a common goal is one of the areas I excel at.

I realize I have a lot to learn, and therefore my approach to being an officer would be assuming I know nothing and really learning from those I lead. If given the chance to learn and grow through OCS, I will use my analytical and leadership skills to bring teams together and make a difference in the Navy, and in this great country.

Edit: I’m applying for supply and hopefully intel if that opens up, wasn’t sure if I should mention one or not since I’m applying for both.

 

[TheDR]

It was during the summer before my senior year of college in which I realized what I wanted out of my life was not to move up a corporate ladder and make money, but that I could look back on my life and see that I answered a higher calling and did something truly meaningful.

Made a change, realized that this didn't come out how I intended it to sound, now it reads -

It was during the summer before my senior year of college in which I realized what I wanted out of my life was not to simply chase a paycheck – I want to be able to look back on my life and see that I answered a higher calling and did something truly meaningful.

 

[Hair Warrior]

Made a change, realized that this didn't come out how I intended it to sound, now it reads -

It was during the summer before my senior year of college in which I realized what I wanted out of my life was not to simply chase a paycheck – I want to be able to look back on my life and see that I answered a higher calling and did something truly meaningful.

Be bold. Be brief. Be gone.

You wrote:

“It was during the summer before my senior year of college in which I realized what I wanted out of my life was not to simply chase a paycheck – I want to be able to look back on my life and see that I answered a higher calling and did something truly meaningful.”

You could write:

“In college, I realized I am more motivated by serving my country in the U.S. Navy than by a paycheck.”

Spend your few words relating what you bring to the Navy. Brevity works.

 

[TheDR]

Be bold. Be brief. Be gone.

You wrote:

“It was during the summer before my senior year of college in which I realized what I wanted out of my life was not to simply chase a paycheck – I want to be able to look back on my life and see that I answered a higher calling and did something truly meaningful.”

You could write:

“In college, I realized I am more motivated by serving my country in the U.S. Navy than by a paycheck.”

Spend your few words relating what you bring to the Navy. Brevity works.

Alright awesome thanks! Should I be cutting down the rest too? Maybe not to that level but still cutting down? Wasn’t sure if less is more in this case.

 

[Hair Warrior]

Alright awesome thanks! Should I be cutting down the rest too? Maybe not to that level but still cutting down? Wasn’t sure if less is more in this case.

Buy that book. Use it throughout your career.

 

[TLC90]

Keep it short and sweet. The most eloquent writers will be captivating whilst using as few words as possible.

When using a personal experience that demonstrates a desirable skill, mention where you were in life and how the event made you a better person. It's boring to read someone go down a checklist of leadership skills; they want to hear an interesting story that molded you into the person you are today.

Stories that are good to mention are longterm struggles that you overcame. This demonstrates perseverance and the ability to set and accomplish a goal. Another experience worth mentioning is where your morals were tested such as taking responsibility when your group failed. They would rather take the semi competent person that has a heart of gold over the allstar whose loyalty is uncertain. Acknowledging your flaws is a humble approach as well. It shows you are honest and self aware about what to change.

 

[sheriffdeen]

What do you guys think about my personal statement?

I respectfully submit this personal statement for consideration and selection into Officer Candidate School. I was born in Lagos, Nigeria, the oldest among four children, and it has always been my dream and desire to become a supply officer in the United States navy. As a supply officer, I will have the opportunity to continue my service to the world’s greatest Navy, gain more experience and continue to work with the best people. I support the Navy’s mission and I am positive that I can provide the leadership and teamwork needed to continue to develop our sailors and marines that make up our fighting force. I am committed to being the best sailor I can be, and I believe that my record in the short time that I have been in the Navy is a testimonial of my dedication to the Navy’s core value. My intrinsic motivation coupled with my childhood ambition of being a supply officer, forms a solid foundation for a successful career as a supply officer. I believe the leadership experiences I have gained from being a work center supervisor will help me transition into the leadership role as an officer. I am committed to the navy and look forward to the opportunity to continue my service and lead as a Supply Corp Officer.

 

[katate1016]

hey guys, i know this thread is specifically for motivational statements but i've been trying to find some resources on formats for presenting community service

 

[Hair Warrior]

hey guys, i know this thread is specifically for motivational statements but i've been trying to find some resources on formats for presenting community service

1. Know your audience
2. Know your topic
3. Be brief, be bold, be gone

 

[WorldWar33.3]

Going for NFO and SWO.
49 6/7/6
2.78 GPA

Feel free to take a stab at this:

"Please accept this application for reconsideration to become a Naval Flight Officer. Since my last application I studied arduously in order to improve my ASTB and was able to achieve better scores.

The decision to become a Naval Officer is one that has been influenced by a combination of many things in my life. The honor and privilege associated with serving the greatest country in the most powerful Navy is truly unrivaled. Having the opportunity to become a leader in an organization that has shaped the world since its foundation would undoubtedly leave a profound impact in my life and the lives of my fellow Americans. My family has a longstanding tradition of serving in the United States Armed Forces that dates back to the American Civil War. I always looked up to the people who defended our Constitution and looked forward to the day that I could serve as a member of our military as well. It would be an honor to earn a commission as an officer in the United States Navy and would simply be a dream come true to take on this responsibility.

One thing I already observed is how outstanding leadership produces a positive trickle-down effect on a unit. I admire leaders who bring out the best in those they lead because I strive to do the same. I made sure to employ this effect in my everyday work: Whether it was in running the day-to-day operations of my college's radio station, or ensuring students truly understood material instead of simply memorizing it, I want each individual to perform at the peak of his or her potential. Being a Naval Officer gives me the opportunity to bring out the best in those around me in ways that I cannot as a salesman, radio station manager, TV show director, or a teacher’s assistant. Successful leadership in this manner not only brings out the best in individuals, but also enhances the mission of our Navy by extension. When a leader truly cares about his or her Sailors, it motivates them in ways that pure authority (i.e. the power inherent in being a commander) cannot. I am confident that I can be that type of leader.

I recognize that being a military officer entails a responsibility far beyond my current status. However, I am fully prepared for such a duty. I believe that successful individuals achieve success because they do not shy away from challenges. They take risks and find ways to overcome any adversity that may ensue. I am fortunate enough to have experienced a measure of success so far in my life. Academically, I made honor roll throughout high school, and was inducted into a Foreign Language Honor Society in college. I was also asked to serve as a teacher’s assistant for an Honors Spanish class due to my high performance in the class when I took it. In high school, I designed a walking trail around a local retirement community for my Eagle Scout service project. Now, during every phase of my sales job thus far, I continue to succeed by garnering awards such as Salesman of the Year 2020 and High Revenue awards. I know what it takes to be successful, and I seek continued success by looking for new challenges. I want my impact on the mission to be real and enduring. I chose to take the path of becoming a Naval Officer to make me, those around me, and above all, my country greater. Please let me prove that I can do that. Simply, if given the opportunity to be a Naval Officer, I will execute my duty to the best of my ability."

 

[acmino68]

Hey guys!

Applying for the upcoming board to be a SNA.

ASTB: 59 8/7/8
Undergraduate GPA: 3.97
Graduate GPA: 3.88
Ratings: PPL w/ 62 flight hours

Regarding the motivational statement, should I talk about my aspiration to be a Naval Aviator, or just focus on why I want to be an Officer and how I would benefit the Navy as a leader?

Thanks!