Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[taxi1]

The Navy has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. From my own birth in Italy to outdoor concerts in Florida with my dad, I have considered the Navy as part of my life.

This is a poorly written paragraph, basically the first sentence repeated.

I, in no way, regret completing my degree in Education

Sounds like you regret your degree in education.

Though I have been a part of various teams, we never fought for the same goal.

What kind of team were you on?

The underlying message is good. You grew up in and know the navy from childhood. You carved your own path through the teens and college, but though you moved away from the navy, you never forgot it. And now, you want the challenge it offers, and your background (describe it) makes you ready to be of service.

Tell that story.

 

[Jacksa71]

I would like to get some feedback on my personal statement for my application. My statement is limited to 250 words, so it is shorter than the others.

Becoming a Commissioned Officer is an opportunity that my family has invested in. My wife, XXXX, and my son, XXX, have created time for me to attend three to four college classes a term during many hardships faced as a newly married couple with a newborn. Through it all, family, school, work, and collaterals duties, my family sees this time as a small sacrifice for a better future and more opportunities in my career.

If selected as an Officer, I will achieve both a personal and professional goal at once. One, to earn my bachelor's degree and continue attaining a master's degree. Second, contributing to the Navy Aviation Vision 2035 of swarming the seas, delivering synchronized lethal and non-lethal efforts from near and far, on every axis and in every domain.

Under my leadership, I will train and equip my Sailors to be the best version of themselves. Within the Wardroom, my positive motivation and mindset will challenge peers and provide exceptional counsel to superiors. My efforts to work with my team, make analytical decisions, and strive for excellence make me an outstanding Officer candidate.

I recognize that the Navy must be as resilient and acceptable to change as the environment we must operate. I am prepared to resume the responsibilities of managing resources available to organize, man, train, and equip the aviation fleet across its full range of missions, ensuring maritime air superiority.

I am eager, worldwide deployable, and ready to answer your call!

 

[number9]

I would like to get some feedback on my personal statement for my application. My statement is limited to 250 words, so it is shorter than the others.

Becoming a Commissioned Officer is an opportunity that my family has invested in. My wife, XXXX, and my son, XXX, have created time for me to attend three to four college classes a term during many hardships faced as a newly married couple with a newborn. Through it all, family, school, work, and collaterals duties, my family sees this time as a small sacrifice for a better future and more opportunities in my career.

If selected as an Officer, I will achieve both a personal and professional goal at once. One, to earn my bachelor's degree and continue attaining a master's degree. Second, contributing to the Navy Aviation Vision 2035 of swarming the seas, delivering synchronized lethal and non-lethal efforts from near and far, on every axis and in every domain.

Under my leadership, I will train and equip my Sailors to be the best version of themselves. Within the Wardroom, my positive motivation and mindset will challenge peers and provide exceptional counsel to superiors. My efforts to work with my team, make analytical decisions, and strive for excellence make me an outstanding Officer candidate.

I recognize that the Navy must be as resilient and acceptable to change as the environment we must operate. I am prepared to resume the responsibilities of managing resources available to organize, man, train, and equip the aviation fleet across its full range of missions, ensuring maritime air superiority.

I am eager, worldwide deployable, and ready to answer your call!

When you started writing your statement, what was the main point that you wanted to get across? Let me know what it is and I'll try and give some more feedback. A few pieces of feedback regardless: first, I don't love the first paragraph. Everyone has invested in applying, what makes you a more worthwhile candidate than the person next to you? Your sacrifices are admirable, but you're not explaining why they help your application.

The 2nd paragraph is a bit like the first: it's nice that you will get to achieve a goal, but I think you should invert things and talk about your contribution to the Navy first and foremost. How will you help the Navy deliver on the 2035 goal?

I think the 3rd paragraph is my favorite. I know you have a strong word count, but how will you train & equip those sailors? Will you rely on your education, your background, your prior leadership experience, etc.? If you have something like that to say, I'm sure I can help you fit them in if we're judicious with other parts of the essay. (As Mark Twain said, "I wrote you a long letter because I didn't have time to write you a short one.")

The 4th paragraph is fine; if you had a higher word count I would suggest fleshing it out a little bit but that might not be possible here given competing priorities.

Finally: unless deployability is a particular selling point of your application (e.g. I know the Coast Guard is hurting for people willing to go on sea duty) I would just rewrite the last paragraph entirely. I know the word count is tight, but the last paragraph or sentence should be a summary of your overall statement. If the application committee remembered just one or two sentences from the application, what would you want it to say?

I'll reiterate my own disclaimer to say I'm an accepted-but-not-yet-commissioned DCO applicant so your mileage may vary. That being said, I've written a shitload of essays and more than a few motivational statements over the years so I hope this helps! Feel free to ping me if you want additional feedback.

 

[Jacksa71]

When you started writing your statement, what was the main point that you wanted to get across? Let me know what it is and I'll try and give some more feedback. A few pieces of feedback regardless: first, I don't love the first paragraph. Everyone has invested in applying, what makes you a more worthwhile candidate than the person next to you? Your sacrifices are admirable, but you're not explaining why they help your application.

The 2nd paragraph is a bit like the first: it's nice that you will get to achieve a goal, but I think you should invert things and talk about your contribution to the Navy first and foremost. How will you help the Navy deliver on the 2035 goal?

I think the 3rd paragraph is my favorite. I know you have a strong word count, but how will you train & equip those sailors? Will you rely on your education, your background, your prior leadership experience, etc.? If you have something like that to say, I'm sure I can help you fit them in if we're judicious with other parts of the essay. (As Mark Twain said, "I wrote you a long letter because I didn't have time to write you a short one.")

The 4th paragraph is fine; if you had a higher word count I would suggest fleshing it out a little bit but that might not be possible here given competing priorities.

Finally: unless deployability is a particular selling point of your application (e.g. I know the Coast Guard is hurting for people willing to go on sea duty) I would just rewrite the last paragraph entirely. I know the word count is tight, but the last paragraph or sentence should be a summary of your overall statement. If the application committee remembered just one or two sentences from the application, what would you want it to say?

I'll reiterate my own disclaimer to say I'm an accepted-but-not-yet-commissioned DCO applicant so your mileage may vary. That being said, I've written a shitload of essays and more than a few motivational statements over the years so I hope this helps! Feel free to ping me if you want additional feedback.

Thank you for your feedback.
The criteria I have to meet are as follow.
- Reason applying for a commission
- Personal and professional goals
- Strengths/personal characteristics you possess which will contribute to success in the program(s) to which you are applying.
-Address any other relevant information or substantial accomplishments not already covered.

 

[Origin1776]

Thank you for your feedback.
The criteria I have to meet are as follow.
- Reason applying for a commission
- Personal and professional goals
- Strengths/personal characteristics you possess which will contribute to success in the program(s) to which you are applying.
-Address any other relevant information or substantial accomplishments not already covered.

I’m budging in. Maybe reconsider joining for your own personal goals. Officers are expected to lead sailors and ultimately be prepared to lay down their life for their country. If this is a resume builder for you then you’re going to be miserable the next 4 years. You’re headed the right way so take it as constructive criticism.

 

[Jacksa71]

I’m budging in. Maybe reconsider joining for your own personal goals. Officers are expected to lead sailors and ultimately be prepared to lay down their life for their country. If this is a resume builder for you then you’re going to be miserable the next 4 years. You’re headed the right way so take it as constructive criticism.

been miserable for 10 years already, I am AD. (Joke). Thank you for the feedback

 

[number9]

Thank you for your feedback.
The criteria I have to meet are as follow.
- Reason applying for a commission
- Personal and professional goals
- Strengths/personal characteristics you possess which will contribute to success in the program(s) to which you are applying.
-Address any other relevant information or substantial accomplishments not already covered.

What I meant by my question was: what story [about yourself] are you trying to tell the board? For my DCO application I talked about being a first-generation college student who worked full-time through school (showing dedication & hard work), being a very successful coach (ability to, well, coach young people) and being an expert in my field (much more relevant for DCO than OCS). Then I weaved those narratives into the criteria that the application asks for.

When you're writing an application essay, you are being presented with an opportunity to tell a person or a board about yourself: what your qualities are, what your skills are, what makes you right for the role. You want to tell them about yourself in a way that addresses the criteria, rather than simply listing the things that fill the criteria.

 

[willmur]

This has probably been asked a million times, but is the "O" in "Naval officer" capitalized?

 

[Jacksa71]

Yes

 

[katate1016]

Disclaimers up front: I applied for a DCO slot (not OCS) so my impressions may not be as relevant for you, and I have yet to actually commission (still waiting on my clearance). I'm also a pretty tough editor, so apologies:

In the first paragraph it isn't clear how or why the Navy was part of your life. I can read between the lines and guess your dad was stationed in Italy and then Florida, but you should probably spell it out explicitly. Whenever you write an essay like this, you want to avoid making the reader do the work.

In the 2nd paragraph, you mention the commonness of the longing but don't say why it exists. Do you feel a call to serve? Do you want to move around a lot? Again, a smart reader could infer what you mean, but you should be explicit with what you want them to take away.

In the 3rd paragraph, rewrite the first sentence entirely. Get rid of the "regret" part and frame it as a positive: why did you get a degree in education in the first place, and how does it position you now to be a great JO. If the theme of your essay is being goal-oriented, double down on that and connect how you would make the Navy better because of it.

I'd probably rewrite the last paragraph entirely. It's great that you want to become a better version of yourself, but it's a little one-sided the way it's written now. What is the Navy getting out of it? What aspects of your personality (or intellect or fitness or...) make you a good addition?

I appreciate the hard editing because to be honest, I’m ready to scrap and start again. I’m a perfectionist when it comes to what I want people to get out of my writing, so I was never really close to being satisfied with the way it came out.

 

[katate1016]

What a board wants to see is your ability, as an officer, to get the job done. Explain how you are committed to leading by example through accountability, leadership, and integrity are a few good qualities for an officer. For my motivational statement I took direct quotation from the Navy mission statement, as well as the official Surface Warfare guide.
You will impress your board if you can demonstrate a working knowledge about your job, how you are specifically fit for the billet, and how you will lead sailors. Goodluck.

Thank you, I plan to scrap this one and start over with all the good thoughts I got from everyone.

 

[gniklu26]

Looking for feedback regarding my personal statement. I will appreciate any help!

My desire to “push the envelope” and excel in any endeavor was fueled by my challenging environment early in my formative years. This led to my application for a commission. Since enlisting in 2015, my dream has been to excel beyond the limitations of an enlisted Sailor and obtain a commission. Every milestone I’ve set out to accomplish has been a step towards my goal of becoming a Naval Officer.

My family of public educators has instilled the importance of service through shaping future generations. This principle has kindled my passion to pursue my professional goal of becoming a . My personal goals are to invest in my family’s future and further my education, which is why I am pursuing an MBA.

The business concepts I’ve learned at ECPI and Villanova University provided me with an abundance of knowledge. As a result, I’ve gained analytical and well-developed critical-thinking skills coupled with innovative Lean practices. These skills and characteristics will be great attributes in strategic decision-making in any wardroom and in the most dynamic teams in our Navy. As an enlisted leader, my duties aboard an aircraft carrier besides my supply and aviation experience have rendered me with a unique perspective that is invaluable as a leader, manager, and mentor.

I am confident in my ability to serve as a Naval Officer. It would be an honor and such selection would not be a mistake.

 

[Andrew_franny]

Hey fellas, looking for some critique on my personal statement. Rip it up

ASTB: 61/8/8/7
GPA: 3.7
Major: Finance

Growing up near NAS Whidbey, I have seen how the Naval community embodies great honor and prestige. I was fortunate enough to witness these values through soccer coaches, parents of my friends, and relatives; individuals who were driven, intelligent, and courageous. Through the many interactions I had with these Naval personnel, I attribute one specific event to my interest in the Navy. When I was young, I was gifted an American flag that was flown in an EA-6B, by a soccer coach of mine, amidst Operation Iraqi Freedom. Upon receiving that flag, I came to a profound realization that the man who was giving me the flag, and his crewmates, selflessly risked their lives to ensure the safety of innumerable individuals. At that moment, I incurred a debt I must now repay to both past and future generations in the form of military service. It is my responsibility as an American citizen to do such and to do it well.

I am certain that I would be successful in the role of a Naval Officer because of my ability to fully commit. While working with Boeing, I would log ten-hour days to ensure that the financial reconciliation project I was working on was accurate and functional before its deadline. Through my efforts, I developed a model that Boeing’s upper management still uses today to reconcile their forecasting accounts at a mere glance. I volunteered with a paraplegic ski program for the Winter weekends of my senior year, where I would instruct individuals with mobility-impairing conditions on how to functionally ski. Many students required significant training, but to see the results were truly inspiring. Through these various forms of employment and service, I recognized the value of putting in the late hours and long days. Sheer time and relentless determination can equate to exceptional outcomes.

Not only would I ensure exceptional outcomes through sheer commitment and determination, but by strong leadership as well. I have found the best form of leadership is leading by competent example. I have worked many humbling jobs in various forms of a mechanic’s assistant, heavy equipment cleaner. Though it’s cliché, this background of diverse employment taught me that no one is too good to push a broom. It is through this sweeper’s lens I discovered regardless of how minuscule or unglamorous an assignment is, they are the foundation for a well-functioning organization. I will always be tenacious to complete any task that is asked of me and to ensure the completion of any task that I will ask of others. My former leaders taught me such and I developed a great respect for all of those I worked for because of it.

Between my moral obligation to serve, intense commitment to my goals, and my philosophy of leadership, I will serve the Navy and the United States well; striving every day to earn my place as a Naval Officer.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Hey fellas, looking for some critique on my personal statement. Rip it up

ASTB: 61/8/8/7

This is really all that matters, once a board happens.

 

[notajtac]

Guess I'll put mine out there -

I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy, the inherent seriousness of which I do not take lightly. I recognize that the leadership which I will be called upon to provide as an officer will have a lasting impact on those for whom I serve: the men and women who make up the United States Navy, who demand of their leaders unwavering moral courage, and a firm commitment to ethical conduct. I intend to leverage the breadth of my professional and academic experience, which includes a rigorous military education and previous service in the U.S. Coast Guard, as well as current service in the U.S. Army.

My desire to serve in the Navy is driven by the fact that the Navy is more than just an armed force, the Navy is a strategic force multiplier and device of diplomatic means. My aspiration to serve as a Surface Warfare Officer stems from the fact that a SWO is the most strategic individual within the organization, capable of filling almost every position needed at sea to complete the mission.

My motivation to serve this nation is deeply rooted in my family history traceable four generations. My family earned citizenship by serving in the infantry in World War I and following in his fathers’ footsteps my grandfather enlisted underage in the Navy during World War II. Currently my brother is serving as a pilot in the Air Force following in the footsteps of my other Grandfather who was a pilot in the Vietnam war. My desire to serve in the Navy as a SWO is also further rooted in my family history. My uncle served more than 30 years in the Navy as a SWO commanding two warships, and my father earned his SWO badge in the Coast Guard while serving as the Operations Officer on the USS Pegasus.

While I may currently be in the Army, my desire is to return to the maritime community and be a contributing leader. I am currently a Forward Observer serving as the target and target acquisitions specialist for Division Artillery for the First Armored Division. In this role I am required to hold a TS-SCI clearance and have been entrusted with a high level of responsibility from the Division Commander. I am responsible for providing intelligence and targeting recommendations at the Division level in order to execute the commander’s intent. As an E-4 I have been entrusted with the protection of our troops, and the implementation of some of our nation’s most lethal assets. While this is a great responsibility, I know I can do more to contribute to the defense of this nation, and to provide leadership and guidance in times of peace and conflict.

As a Surface Warfare Officer, I will leverage all resources and assets at my disposal, not only to better those who I lead, but also to better myself. I will strive to enhance the officers corps, and the Navy as a whole, regardless of my rank or position, by providing purpose, motivation, and direction.

Given the opportunity I know I will excel as a Naval Officer and lead to the best of my ability. My goal is to become a leader alongside my fellow officers and the chiefs mess, and to be one who is trusted by both superiors and subordinates alike, as well as one who develops, mentors, and motivates.