Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[taxi1]

Need advice on my motivational statement. Not sure if it sounds too generic. Be harsh, ill appresciate it.

Being a second-generation immigrant, I know how blessed I am to be living in America. Although my family does not have a military background, we still experienced a life of service by starting a small church to help Cuban refugees. A love for my country was also instilled in me at a young age. I am grateful for all the opportunities this country has given me and my family. I believe, to serve your country is one of the greatest honors in life.

Although I wanted to eventually serve, I did not have a clear direction of how I wanted my life to unfold. I chose to major in mechanical engineering because I had always been good at math. Within the first semester I fell in love with the field. When I found out about the Civil Engineering Corps and saw the worldwide impact this community had, as well as the ability to directly help so many people, I knew I needed to apply. To have the opportunity to work in my field as well as become an Officer and serve my country, there is no greater privilege. For these reasons, I desire to start and hopefully have a long career in the Civil Engineering Corps.

I would make an ideal candidate because of my work ethic, natural leadership, and my willingness to serve others. Throughout high school and college, I worked a part time job as well as take a full load of classes every semester. I also worked full time my last semester, as well being a team lead on the largest project of my career. I was able to join three engineering clubs, partake in intramural sports, and be active in my church all while finishing on the dean’s list. This built an unmatched work ethic within me. I am a proven natural leader whose leadership skills have been shown along the way. From being captain on several successful varsity teams as well as being project manager and a team lead on two engineering projects. These experiences showed me how to motivate and uplift different kinds of people, as well as how to confront and manage people who gave subpar effort. In the engineering aspect, it taught me how to work together with different disciplines of engineering to provide the best outcome. Not only did I learn how to lead, but also how to be a teammate and lead by example. Another value I hold close to my heart is the willingness to serve. Through over 275 community service hours, I was able to learn the joy in serving by helping others. Whether it is simply helping at my local soup kitchen or flying to a different country to provide aid to those in need. All these values make me an ideal candidate and will serve me well in the Navy. I view all my past experiences as preparation for my future career, and I am always up for any challenge and any opportunity to grow. I believe the CEC will give me the perfect opportunity to continue my growth as a leader, my growth towards becoming a professional engineer, and a chance to give back to a country that has given me so much.

First two paragraphs are great. The last paragraph is too long and naturally breaks into four separate paragraphs, by my reading.

• I work hard
• I can lead and follow
• I am willing to serve
• Here’s the summation of why I’m your man

Best of luck

 

[exNavyOffRec]

First two paragraphs are great. The last paragraph is too long and naturally breaks into four separate paragraphs, by my reading.

• I work hard
• I can lead and follow
• I am willing to serve
• Here’s the summation of why I’m your man

Best of luck

I would disagree on the 1st paragraph especially for CEC as the CEC accessions officers see that type of thing all the time so it doesn't mean anything, a lot of what they do on their random missions involves hearts and minds stuff, so quite a bit of what is in that 3rd paragraph is what should be highlighted, but like you say it should be broken up. I think those first 3 things you listed can be worked into items he has in that large 3rd paragraph of his.

 

[taxi1]

I think those first 3 things you listed can be worked into items he has in that large 3rd paragraph of his.

I think they’re pretty much already there, just need to insert some paragraph breaks.

 

[Triumph_MAC]

Good morning all, Could you all give me some insight on my motivational statement? For AD, we have a 250 word limit so it is short. I applied for Aviation and Supply. I have a masters in exercise science with a 3.81 GPA but I am very disappointed by my ASTB score, 42 5/7/6. I'm also oging in with an approved age waiver as well. Please let me know what you think about my motivational statement if you have the time.

Break

The Navy seeks and deserves an Officer Candidate who possesses the characteristics of servant leadership, engagement, commitment, and outstanding performance. I believe myself to be the ideal candidate for this role. With a proven track record of superior performance, I am confident in my ability to lead Sailors across a myriad of platforms throughout the Navy and Officer Community.

I bring multiple years of dedicated Naval Service and combat proven leadership that could only be gained from experience, something that other Junior Officers may not have. As an FMF Corpsman, I’ve developed and demonstrated my leadership across a variety of assignments. I’ve deployed and served on numerous platforms within the Navy and Marine Corps - each one posing a new challenge. In Afghanistan, I filled the role of Senior Medical Advisor while training the Afghan National Army and Republic of Georgia Light Infantry Battalion. I adapted a leadership style that quickly overcame language and culture barriers to ensure those Soldiers had the necessary skills to confidently complete their mission.

When selected, my focus as an Officer will be to learn my job to the best of my ability so I can properly assist my Sailors in completing tasks and provide adequate resources for mission success. I will then lead my Sailors while fostering an environment of professional and personal growth. Finally, I will encourage diversity as we continue to learn from one another and instill a teamwork mentality to maximize our mission effectiveness to Navy and joint service objectives.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Good morning all, Could you all give me some insight on my motivational statement? For AD, we have a 250 word limit so it is short. I applied for Aviation and Supply. I have a masters in exercise science with a 3.81 GPA but I am very disappointed by my ASTB score, 42 5/7/6. I'm also oging in with an approved age waiver as well. Please let me know what you think about my motivational statement if you have the time.

Break

The Navy seeks and deserves an Officer Candidate who possesses the characteristics of servant leadership, engagement, commitment, and outstanding performance. I believe myself to be the ideal candidate for this role. With a proven track record of superior performance, I am confident in my ability to lead Sailors across a myriad of platforms throughout the Navy and Officer Community.

I bring multiple years of dedicated Naval Service and combat proven leadership that could only be gained from experience, something that other Junior Officers may not have. As an FMF Corpsman, I’ve developed and demonstrated my leadership across a variety of assignments. I’ve deployed and served on numerous platforms within the Navy and Marine Corps - each one posing a new challenge. In Afghanistan, I filled the role of Senior Medical Advisor while training the Afghan National Army and Republic of Georgia Light Infantry Battalion. I adapted a leadership style that quickly overcame language and culture barriers to ensure those Soldiers had the necessary skills to confidently complete their mission.

When selected, my focus as an Officer will be to learn my job to the best of my ability so I can properly assist my Sailors in completing tasks and provide adequate resources for mission success. I will then lead my Sailors while fostering an environment of professional and personal growth. Finally, I will encourage diversity as we continue to learn from one another and instill a teamwork mentality to maximize our mission effectiveness to Navy and joint service objectives.

I would add in some numbers and stats, example: I filled the role of Senior Medical Advisor for a Battalion of XXX soldiers and supervised X corpsman.

encouraging diversity should be a given in today's climate.

 

[Triumph_MAC]

I would add in some numbers and stats, example: I filled the role of Senior Medical Advisor for a Battalion of XXX soldiers and supervised X corpsman.

encouraging diversity should be a given in today's climate.

That’s a good idea. I’ll update that, do you think I should take out the encouraging diversity plug?

 

[exNavyOffRec]

That’s a good idea. I’ll update that, do you think I should take out the encouraging diversity plug?

If you have space leave it in, if not pull it out as long as you are putting in something substantial.

 

[kotn]

Please tear this up. Any and all criticism is accepted:

As the child of a Reconnaissance Marine and an Okinawan mother, I harbor a unique view of what it means to be an American. Throughout my early childhood, I lived on various military installations across the globe where I was engrossed in the military lifestyle and in the constant presence of honorable men and women of our armed forces. At a young age I was captivated by military aviation, and I will forever cherish the countless hours spent watching Navy P-3s and Marine helicopters come and go from the flight line. My early upbringing instilled in me a longstanding goal and desire to serve and lead in the United States military.

During my early twenties, I lost sight of this goal. I went from graduating high school with honors, to performing abysmally in college. My academic track record is something I take full accountability of. Although my cumulative GPA is low, I hope the board will take into consideration the 4.00 GPA at my final degree awarding institution where I decided to turn things around. I have learned a significant amount about myself from my past failures and I now know what I need to do to ensure future success.

I currently work as a paralegal in downtown Orlando, Florida. Over my eight years in this profession, I have provided over $5 million dollars’ worth of settlement proceeds to various clients and insurance companies. I have led teams through intensive mediations and rigorous trials. I have also led firms through technological change by implementing technologies like paperless filing and text recognition software, all of which revolutionized the average time spent on tasks. Outside of my paralegal job, I maintain an amateur drone photography business and dedicate my weekends towards student pilot lessons where I have accumulated over 40 flight hours.

When I am not working, flying or partaking in hobbies like Brazilian jiu-jitsu, ham radio, or competitive shooting, I manage to find time to give back to my community and lead within professional volunteer organizations. As a 1st Lieutenant in Civil Air Patrol, I serve as my squadron’s Information Technology Officer and Communications Officer in support of cadet training and search and rescue exercises. In Team Rubicon, a disaster response organization, I did my part in the fight against the novel coronavirus by assisting at vaccination sites across Florida.

I believe my unique skills and diverse background can be a major asset to the United States Navy and its Aviation Officer Corps. Despite previously losing sight of my goals, my desire to serve has never faded. Although I currently have a decent paralegal career and a comfortable life, I seek to become a Naval Flight Officer to be a part of something bigger than myself. Something that will have a greater impact on others, our nation, and the world.

Thank you for your consideration.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Please tear this up. Any and all criticism is accepted:

As the child of a Reconnaissance Marine and an Okinawan mother, I harbor a unique view of what it means to be an American. Throughout my early childhood, I lived on various military installations across the globe where I was engrossed in the military lifestyle and in the constant presence of honorable men and women of our armed forces. At a young age I was captivated by military aviation, and I will forever cherish the countless hours spent watching Navy P-3s and Marine helicopters come and go from the flight line. My early upbringing instilled in me a longstanding goal and desire to serve and lead in the United States military.

During my early twenties, I lost sight of this goal. I went from graduating high school with honors, to performing abysmally in college. My academic track record is something I take full accountability of. Although my cumulative GPA is low, I hope the board will take into consideration the 4.00 GPA at my final degree awarding institution where I decided to turn things around. I have learned a significant amount about myself from my past failures and I now know what I need to do to ensure future success.

I currently work as a paralegal in downtown Orlando, Florida. Over my eight years in this profession, I have provided over $5 million dollars’ worth of settlement proceeds to various clients and insurance companies. I have led teams through intensive mediations and rigorous trials. I have also led firms through technological change by implementing technologies like paperless filing and text recognition software, all of which revolutionized the average time spent on tasks. Outside of my paralegal job, I maintain an amateur drone photography business and dedicate my weekends towards student pilot lessons where I have accumulated over 40 flight hours.

When I am not working, flying or partaking in hobbies like Brazilian jiu-jitsu, ham radio, or competitive shooting, I manage to find time to give back to my community and lead within professional volunteer organizations. As a 1st Lieutenant in Civil Air Patrol, I serve as my squadron’s Information Technology Officer and Communications Officer in support of cadet training and search and rescue exercises. In Team Rubicon, a disaster response organization, I did my part in the fight against the novel coronavirus by assisting at vaccination sites across Florida.

I believe my unique skills and diverse background can be a major asset to the United States Navy and its Aviation Officer Corps. Despite previously losing sight of my goals, my desire to serve has never faded. Although I currently have a decent paralegal career and a comfortable life, I seek to become a Naval Flight Officer to be a part of something bigger than myself. Something that will have a greater impact on others, our nation, and the world.

Thank you for your consideration.

What are your ASTB scores?

 

[kotn]

What are your ASTB scores?

I forgot to mention I take it this week. I understand the importance of the scores and this statement paired with a low gpa.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

I forgot to mention I take it this week. I understand the importance of the scores and this statement paired with a low gpa.

Scores are very important, in most cases they don't even read the statement, how low is your GPA?

 

[kotn]

Scores are very important, in most cases they don't even read the statement, how low is your GPA?

Just took it yesterday. 60 8/7/8.
GPA 2.7
I want NFO.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Just took it yesterday. 60 8/7/8.
GPA 2.7
I want NFO.

GPA is a bit low but your FOFAR is good so you should have a good chance.

 

[taxi1]

If you go to community college for two years, then Big State Tech for two, does the community college GPA carry over? I assume so, but I'm not sure. Curious...

 

[NevarYalnal]

If you go to community college for two years, then Big State Tech for two, does the community college GPA carry over? I assume so, but I'm not sure. Curious...

Yup, you need to provide transcripts from all institutions you attended even if you didn't earn a degree from them.