Jets make you poo

[AllAmerican75]

I think it's about time I get in on this. While my story may not be as good as say A4s or Phrog's, I think it's funny.

So there I was, on an USAFR KC-135 out of March ARB along with a bunch of my fellow CAP cadets. Now, after enduring about to hours of the flight, I felt the need to relieve myself. So I head forward towards the head. Luckily for me there isn't a line. So I open the door and walk in. I notice the lights aren't on so I look around for the switch. Its nowhere to be found, neither is the sink. I think to myself, "Hey, no problem. I'm a man, I don't need to wash my hands." But upon closer inspection I find in the place of the sink and counter are the circuit breakers and power lines for the entire aircraft. No problem, I have good aim right? Of course I do. So I unbuckle my belt and unbutton my fly and all that good stuff, and all of a sudden, the ride starts getting a little bumpy, which changes the whole equation. Now I start worrying. If I miss, it's all over for us, this aluminum cloud is going to crash somewhere over the Arizona desert.
So I grab a hold and steady myself and proceed to piss like a freaking sniper. Believe me, I was adjusting for windage and elevation, all the while getting tossed around this sorry excuse for a head. I have no idea if I pissed on the seat, but I know I didn't touch the high voltage electrical lines. Never in my life have I been under such pressure while doing #1

The rest of the flight went fine. I got to see a squadron of F-16s get refueled in mid-air and had a wonderful time riding back to base in the pod.

 

[Banjo33]

There have been other tales of emergency pull forwards for "impending sphincter valve failure" and dry suits that contained the hazardous waste.

I think wearing the dry suit would be a blessing in disguise! At least it would be contained (to your boots) and not all over the jet. Only you and your PR's would have to deal with the mess...water hose it out and it's good to go! Besides, those things smell like #2 anyway.

 

[mules83]

Ok so there's a relief tube in jets and stuff, but that leads me to the question of what do the women do in that situation? A relief tube physically doesn't work there....

"lady j" adapter

 

[Brett327]

"lady j" adapter

In other words, you hold it (thanks a lot, vagina). Enjoy that 9 hour trans-pac leg.

I think I've told this tale before, but since we have a dedicated thread and all: There was this Marine Prowler crew with a female ECMO1 (right front seat). Well, at some point durring the flight, said female decides that she has to go. She safes her seat, unstraps, and gets completely out of her gear. As she assumes a squating position, hovering over her empty nav-bag, she turns to the pilot and says, "Have you ever watched a woman take a shit?" The stunned pilot shakes his head. She replies, "Well, feel free to watch," at which point she proceeds to move her bowels into the nav-bag - so the story goes.

Brett

 

[phrogdriver]

I feel oddly aroused, yet ashamed at the same time...

 

[Brett327]

I feel oddly aroused, yet ashamed at the same time...

I can only imagine that the remainder of that flight was long and silent on the ICS.

Brett

 

[gaijin6423]

You know, some people (in Germany and Japan) pay big money for that kind of show. Must be comforting to know there's a future for you, albeit in another industry. Of course, there might be an inter-service transition in the works, given the choice of the name, "Growler."

 

[Oldman]

Seriously? Were you guys high - literally or pharmacologically? The freefall chute is a great option for unwanted feces. As an alternative to high altitude ops (you VP guys are gonna love this), my fellow AOs and I devised a way to jettison objects via an aluminum SLC build-up. I don't know if this is still done these days, but back then, one could build up an aluminum SLC to launch a MK-58 Smoke at altitude via the P-chutes. The idea was borne out of the necessity to deploy chaff before the ALE-39 systems were installed and we ended up breaking open a bunch of chaff cartridges and dumping them into the SLC (very itchy). We hypothesized that the "tactical" payload could easily be replaced with excrement - in extremis, of course.

Brett

That's a great theory until you land and the AC has brown skid marks down the aft radome

 

[Brett327]

That's a great theory until you land and the AC has brown skid marks down the aft radome

Freedom isn't free. That's what the bird bath is for.

Brett

 

[phrogdriver]

Not #2 related, but similar in theme...I'm flying with a flag officer as my copilot to go observe an exercise staged at a small civil airfield. We land, and he goes to watch the festivities. He tells me to wait for him at the helo and that he'll be out soon. I don't want to be away from the a/c when he finally comes out, so I wait with the crew there. He's taking forever. I go to the far side of the bird to take a whiz. In the meantime, a foreign TV crew has followed the general out to interview him with my aircraft in the background, with a strange leak apparently being vented on the far side. I kind of wonder whether my urine stream is in the background of a Danish documentary.

 

[selmacf7]

Flew down to Key West a few years ago in a light twin. About the time we hit West Palm I started to smell a fart. Being that there were only two of us onboard my buddy quickly fessed up. About 10 miles south he said something about "a wet one." Couldn't hear him and forgot about it until after we'd landed. We got out and he asked me to check his ass... turns out the West Palm Fart was really a West Palm Shart. He was wearing khakis too... nice little brown spot on the seat of his pants... evidence on the seat as well.

Never let him live that one down.

 

[MasterHaynes86]

In other words, you hold it (thanks a lot, vagina). Enjoy that 9 hour trans-pac leg.

I think I've told this tale before, but since we have a dedicated thread and all: There was this Marine Prowler crew with a female ECMO1 (right front seat). Well, at some point durring the flight, said female decides that she has to go. She safes her seat, unstraps, and gets completely out of her gear. As she assumes a squating position, hovering over her empty nav-bag, she turns to the pilot and says, "Have you ever watched a woman take a shit?" The stunned pilot shakes his head. She replies, "Well, feel free to watch," at which point she proceeds to move her bowels into the nav-bag - so the story goes.

Brett

Thanks for the slient laugh...

An ex coworker of mine that was an army sniper told me, that while his unit was pting, he shat himself in the middle of the run... he wanted to continue the run but was ordered to get back to the barracks and "clean his s%& up"

he also said that poopin on yourself as a sniper is common practice... i know u can't move for long periods of time, but i question how COMMON of a practice it is... with the way MREs back you up and all...

thanks brett... seriously, i needed that

 

[Slammer2]

wow old thread....not to $hit on your parade or anything...

 

[BlkPny]

In Viet Nam Tuesday was Malaria Pill day. Big jar of the pills would be sitting in the chow hall.

Most of us didn't take them, but the guys who did quickly found out that they really loosened your bowels. After a long 4-hr cover flight, as an a/c taxied in they would radio the bunker and ask for a lineman to meet them with a bucket of water and a rag. Protocol required the offending pilot to clean up the mess himself, still in his soiled flight suit, with all the line crew looking on and taking pictures. I always prefered to risk malaria.....

 

[phrogpilot73]

he also said that poopin on yourself as a sniper is common practice... i know u can't move for long periods of time, but i question how COMMON of a practice it is... with the way MREs back you up and all...

Spoken like a boot... Yes, MRE's back you up for about 3-5 days. After that, you can't close the floodgates...