Jets make you poo

[Brett327]

...the worst part was that the bag that contained the scatological contents was kept in his bottom leg pocket of his flight suit the rest of the flight.

Seriously? Were you guys high - literally or pharmacologically? The freefall chute is a great option for unwanted feces. As an alternative to high altitude ops (you VP guys are gonna love this), my fellow AOs and I devised a way to jettison objects via an aluminum SLC build-up. I don't know if this is still done these days, but back then, one could build up an aluminum SLC to launch a MK-58 Smoke at altitude via the P-chutes. The idea was borne out of the necessity to deploy chaff before the ALE-39 systems were installed and we ended up breaking open a bunch of chaff cartridges and dumping them into the SLC (very itchy). We hypothesized that the "tactical" payload could easily be replaced with excrement - in extremis, of course.

Brett

 

[HAL Pilot]

I've got a buddy from the squadron that tends to shit himself on occasion. He's done it a couple times while flying.

Once is an accident - twice is a fetish. You sure got some freaky friends......

Does he enjoy shitting himself? He's in a helicopter for God's sake. He can land anywhere and drop trou. Why is he constantly doing it in his bag? That man is just sick....

And his call sign is?????

 

[AllAmerican75]

I love jokes about various bodily functions as much as the next guy, but please don't tell me this is common, 'cause shitting oneself is disgusting. Believe me, you've never experienced a sight and stench or sound so horrible as that of a 300 pound lineman shitting himself during a film session, and then standing right up so as to have the "matter" slosh onto the floor. Oh the humanity!

 

[Slammer2]

I believe the new name of this thread shall be "downside to pinching a loaf in the cockpit"

 

[phrogpilot73]

Once is an accident - twice is a fetish. You sure got some freaky friends......

Does he enjoy shitting himself? He's in a helicopter for God's sake. He can land anywhere and drop trou. Why is he constantly doing it in his bag? That man is just sick....

And his call sign is?????

His call sign used to be "Fingers" - he "boosted" (his words, not mine) a car when he was 17. Now it's "Craps", do I have to explain?

I think he has bowel control problems. He was walking around Chapel Hill and had an accident. Possibly he needs a new sh!t/fart separator?

 

[ip568]

Pluses: great view of the scenery; goes fast; you'll look cool walking to the flight line in all that tacair jet flight gear crap; usually short flights; if you like Gs and aerobatics, you'll definitely get the blond surfer girls/dudes; it's cool; get to drop weapons and blow-up stuff; get nickname of "killer" or "hot monkey love" or "maverick;" aircraft look sexy; short transit time from launch to the scene of the accident;

Minuses: you are strapped in six ways from Sunday and can barely move your head; all that tacair flight gear crap is heavy and confining; no place to do a #2; all you can hear is the other guy breathing; it's cold in those things; seat feels like a saw horse; divorce rate is high; sea duty -- lots of it; more likely to be on CNN blindfolded with your hands tied behind your back while unpleasant people scream for your death; Martin Baker

You get the picture.

 

[pilot_man]

Minuses: you are strapped in six ways from Sunday and can barely move your head; all that tacair flight gear crap is heavy and confining; no place to do a #2; all you can hear is the other guy breathing; it's cold in those things; seat feels like a saw horse; divorce rate is high; sea duty -- lots of it; more likely to be on CNN blindfolded with your hands tied behind your back while unpleasant people scream for your death; Martin Baker

You get the picture.

It's 8 ways and with the dry suit you want to kill yourself getting in and you really can't move around the cockpit; you can crap in your helmet bag (it's been done); we have a heater; seats don't suck that bad when you can't feel your legs; but you do get to put big iron things on the foreheads of said unpleasant crazy people.

 

[Fly Navy]

It's 8 ways and with the dry suit you want to kill yourself getting in and you really can't move around the cockpit; you can crap in your helmet bag (it's been done); we have a heater; seats don't suck that bad when you can't feel your legs; but you do get to put big iron things on the foreheads of said unpleasant crazy people.

Ok I've pondered the shitting maneuver in the jet, and I don't see how it can be done. How do you go from strapped in with a G-suit, torso harness, and flight suit, (and SV-2 in T-45 case), to being able to take a dump? That's not even physically possible!

 

[KBayDog]

^Unless the helmet bag is worn under the flight suit and skivvies, and wrapped around one's buttocks (i.e., "sitting in the bag...in your bag"), in which case it is entirely possible.

Geez...and I'm not even a jet guy!

 

[Fly Navy]

^Unless the helmet bag is worn under the flight suit and skivvies, and wrapped around one's buttocks (i.e., "sitting in the bag...in your bag"), in which case it is entirely possible.

Geez...and I'm not even a jet guy!

You have a sick, creative mind. I respect that.

 

[KBayDog]

You have a sick, creative mind. I respect that.

Which will make me a great helo pilot

 

[HeyJoe]

Ok I've pondered the shitting maneuver in the jet, and I don't see how it can be done. How do you go from strapped in with a G-suit, torso harness, and flight suit, (and SV-2 in T-45 case), to being able to take a dump? That's not even physically possible!

It's not a check in the block anyone wants, but with long endurance hops and stomach or the tract irritation that leads to the lower "exit" portal will not be denied.

So there I was exiting Iraq near end of Desert Storm as wingman to a sister squadron F-14. As we "fenced out", they never called for a frequency switch. We came out of combat spread and joined into parade to use hand signals to request the freq they were on. The pilot pointed a thumb to the rear cockpit and shook his head. The RIO was slightly hunched over so I took comm lead and got us switched over to tanker freq and proceeded on our way. We were curious and climbed up a bit and saw that the RIO had unstrapped and shed his flightsuit and was using his helmet bag in manner described in earlier post. We left him to his privacy and saw nothing about it.

Later, on a subsequent man-up I saw one of their jets had two outhouses painted on it; one for the incident we witnessed (at least partially) and another when the pilot was striken and had to endure the pain until he cold hold it no more. Unable to execute the RIO's solution he let nature take its course. That cockpit and his clothes were a literal "mess". Had to replace the meager ejection seat cushion and disinfect the cockpit afterwards, which was a lot of work for the Plane Captains (who retaliated with the outhouse markings).

There have been other tales of emergency pull forwards for "impending sphincter valve failure" and dry suits that contained the hazardous waste. These stories are told, but most pity the principals knowing it could have been them and "there, but for the grace of God, go I".

This post has been for information only for the curious mind(s) who pondered such an emergency....hopefully we can move on and not stay ont he subject...Now, if you were in a P-3, your only worry would be if there was a waiting line at the head....you could always hang out in the kitchen while you waited though.....just kidding!

 

[pilot_man]

Ok I've pondered the shitting maneuver in the jet, and I don't see how it can be done. How do you go from strapped in with a G-suit, torso harness, and flight suit, (and SV-2 in T-45 case), to being able to take a dump? That's not even physically possible!

Ask Shiloc (shit in lieu of combat). You have an auto-pilot, and you un-strap, and you have to take all that stuff off, then you can shit in your helmet bag, and throw it overboard once on deck. It has been done though.

 

[phrogdriver]

Does he enjoy shitting himself? He's in a helicopter for God's sake. He can land anywhere and drop trou. Why is he constantly doing it in his bag? That man is just sick....

And his call sign is?????

Speaking of which, I was leading a section back from CAX when my -2 breaks off, claiming a "Number two exhaust failure." I'm thinking "What the hell is that?" as I follow him to land and render assistance. There's [name withheld to protect the not-so-innocent] running out the back of the phrog to sit on an ammo catcher he's using as a field expedient porto-john. THAT was a brilliant innovation, but anyway. "Number 2 exhaust failure...I get it now...jackass."

 

[zab1001]

Now, if you were in a P-3, your only worry would be if there was a waiting line at the head....you could always hang out in the kitchen while you waited though.....just kidding!

Not a joke, I've seen it.

A few months back I was on a det to Easter Island. We had a 5 hour flight on a Thursday. The Skipper let me out of it since I had never seen the sights and odds are i never will again. I spent the day bouncing around solo in a rented Jeep while the rest of the guys did their thing on the hop.

The next day we had the same flight. Apparently the inflight meal the day before was "unsanitary". At hour 2 I was the only guy onboard who didn't have "them bubble-guts". Under the Skipper's orders (he was nearly incapacitated) we cut the flight short and bustered home. There was in fact a line to use the can. Luckily the planes down here have flushing toilets.

edit: I tried to split this and can't figure out the new system...any takers?