The latest levity on the situation.
The Issue:
What we have here is a threat to our very way of life . The domino theory is a very apt analogy to the current situation of the WSO. If the fascist dictatorship of the pilot is to be stopped, battle lines must be drawn. I suggest drawing them in the sand . Consider the sand to be the ball call. If we, the proletariat of the WSO class, do not stand now, will we stand ever? What will be taken from us next? Soon, ICS will become optional, and shortly thereafter, instead of a connection for the WSO JHMCS, there will be a fuel tank with koch fittings that can be strapped into the back seat with the F/A-18F optional backseat fuel valve connection .
The General Threat, specifically:
“12. Ball call report — (side number, aircraft type, ball or Clara/Clara lineup, fuel state, hung/unexpended ordnance, coupled/uncoupling (if applicable), automatic/manual). The pilot shall initiate the ball call report.
Note
Landing Signal Officers derive important information from the pilot’s
voice inflection and tone during the ball call. Additionally, the pilot has the
most situational awareness concerning the type of pass, aircraft mode, and
ability to see the applicable visual landing aids. For these reasons, the pilot
at the controls of the aircraft shall initiate the ball call report to the Landing
Signal Officers.”
I put the previous part in quotes so that you, the reader and fellow revolutionary, will picture me saying these words out loud while making the quotes symbol with my hands. It is also a direct quote.
Variables:
Known: The WSO is generally regarded as 3/5 of a person. This is of course a falsehood based on smoke and mirrors and fancy math that pilots tend to do in a loud and obnoxious manner. A true WSO does not even consider himself a person, but an extension of both the aircraft and the pilot, including the part of the pilot that has the SA to make the ball call; therefore, the WSO exists in a different plane of being altogether, being both existential and relatively ambivalent simultaneously. This of course determines his predetermined path demanded by the dialectic of the existential proletarian WSO.
Furthermore, the WSO is less likely to argue with paddles because he has no idea what the fuck is going on.
Unknown: Things that are not under the WSO’s control: the length of the groove, angle of attack and its relationship to onspeed, auto vs. manual , hook to ramp clearance, hook to dhunt clearance, if you’ll be on the ball during the nightly prayer, flying a red ball all the way to touchdown, and looking long for lineup.
Things that are under the WSO’s control: the level of terror in his voice .
If the WSO is unable to make the ball call, and he can’t yell “power” at his pilot, then who is he to tell that he too is terrified of this soon to be night trap?
Solution:
There can be no failing to counter this threat. The WSO recommends the following changes be implemented to CV Natops:
1) The WSO shall call the ball for all aircraft, including CODs, E-2s, and single seat aircraft. In the event of no WSO available for ball call, either the WSO in the TTLR or no one will call the ball.
2) Pilot Comm switches shall be removed from the throttles so as the pilot does not confuse talking, calling the ball, and going to full blower leading to the inevitable bolter.
3) LSO’s shall cease and desist with the nonsense that they can sense how well the pilot is doing based on his tone of voice during the ball call. Think about what the pilot is doing. He has, of his own accord, decided to go flying at night or in shitty weather (necessitating Case 3 and the subsequent ball call) and decided that the best way to stop is by having something hanging off the back of his aircraft that is slightly curved and maybe it’ll catch this metal wire thing they strung across the deck. If he is not scared, he is stupid, and no self respecting WSO would want to be in that jet and call the ball anyway.
4) WSO’s shall be given boom mikes, allowing outside airflow into the comm transmission, which will allow paddles to hear if the pilot is screaming in the background or not.
5) All line periods shall include a WSO wave day, allowing WSO’s to interpret how scared the WSO’s calling the ball are and immediately reacting with the only intelligent response possible…”Wave off, wave off, WSO paddles”
6) Every 3rd WSO wave day will correspond with a WSO fly day, whereby the WSO takes the aircraft controls and the shitty ones are weeded out.
7) Soccer shall be banned from the ready room.
8) A new grading system shall be developed and adhered to: OK means you are alive and getting debriefed. – means that you are dead and you probably aren’t going to learn much from this debrief.
Note
Landing Signal Officers are overly sensitive pilots who
pride themselves on getting you, the WSO, aboard safely.
But have you ever looked at their landing grades?
Not that it matters to me, because every pass is a fucking mode 1.
1. Maybe you should get your own damn waypoint zero. And don’t threaten to replace me with some position on the switch that says IFA and will take an alignment regardless of what I do.
2. Drawing lines in the sand allows the WSO community to make very tough and demanding statements but backpedal at any time so as to follow the path of least resistance.
3. This portable back seat fuel tank could even be made to look like a WSO, replacing the back seat oxygen lines with JP-5 lines.
4. Reference legal case of Stabs MacGhee vs. the real pilot, 2007, serialized in the article “Is anybody really flying the damn ball?”
5. Inversely proportional to the level of competence in the front seat…WSOterror = √(1/PilotSHITTINESS)2
