Reconsideration Letter Rough Draft

[mdckelley]

I would love to read some constructive criticism on my rough draft of my reconsideration letter. Be honest, I have thick skin. Thank you in advance.

I am respectfully requesting reconsideration for the Baccalaureate Degree Completion Program by the Intelligence Specialist officer board community. Since my previous application, I have demonstrated significant self-improvement. I have improved my ASTB score and have completed fourteen additional credit hours towards my degree. I have been inducted into the Golden Key International Honour Society as a result of my outstanding GPA. I have earned a place on the Dean’s List of Honor Students at Humphreys College. I have also become an officer of the San Joaquin Superior Court as a volunteer Court Appointed Special Advocate for children who are dependents of the state. My improvements within the last few months are clear and evident demonstrations of my potential as a Naval Officer. As an officer, the Navy can count on my continuous and unyielding effort to be better than I was the day before. Commitment and persistence shall never cease. That is my promise to the United States Navy.

 

[blarged]

I would love to read some constructive criticism on my rough draft of my reconsideration letter. Be honest, I have thick skin. Thank you in advance.

I am respectfully requesting reconsideration for the Baccalaureate Degree Completion Program by the Intelligence Specialist officer board community. Since my previous application, I have demonstrated significant self-improvement. I have improved my ASTB score and have completed fourteen additional credit hours towards my degree. I have been inducted into the Golden Key International Honour Society as a result of my outstanding GPA. I have earned a place on the Dean’s List of Honor Students at Humphreys College. I have also become an officer of the San Joaquin Superior Court as a volunteer Court Appointed Special Advocate for children who are dependents of the state. My improvements within the last few months are clear and evident demonstrations of my potential as a Naval Officer. As an officer, the Navy can count on my continuous and unyielding effort to be better than I was the day before. Commitment and persistence shall never cease. That is my promise to the United States Navy.

They're going to think you're applying for a commission in the Royal Navy ... honour ... such a silly spelling.

In seriousness, it sounds good. You are straight to the point, telling exactly what has been improved with no frills. I like it. One big paragraph seems a bit dense though.

 

[mdckelley]

Ok, I'll work on finding a good breaking point. I know what you mean about the spelling of Honour...sounds SO important doesn't it? hahaha

 

[mdckelley]

I am respectfully requesting reconsideration for the Baccalaureate Degree Completion Program by the Intelligence Specialist officer board community. Since my previous application, I have demonstrated significant self-improvement. I have improved my ASTB score and have completed fourteen additional credit hours towards my degree. I have been inducted into the Golden Key International Honour Society as a result of my outstanding GPA. I have earned a place on the Dean's List of Honor Students at Humphreys College. I have also become an officer of the San Joaquin Superior Court as a volunteer Court Appointed Special Advocate for children who are dependents of the state.

My improvements within the last few months are clear and evident demonstrations of my potential as a Naval Officer. As an officer, the Navy can count on my continuous and unyielding effort to be better than I was the day before. Commitment and persistence shall never cease. That is my promise to the United States Navy.

 

[picklesuit]

I like it...to the point, shows what changed. Mine looked about the same...it worked.

 

[ZekeBathory]

It's unlikely they'll pick apart grammar like I do, but I didn't think it'd hurt to give you a prick's-eye view. Best of luck to you, by the way.

As an officer, the Navy can count on my continuous and unyielding effort to be better than I was the day before. Commitment and persistence shall never cease.

If I remember correctly, this is called a misplaced modifier. "As an officer, the Navy can count on..." is basically saying the Navy is an officer. You might want to reword it to say something like, "The Navy can count on my continuous and unyielding effort to be a better officer than I was the day before."

Commitment and persistence shall never cease.

This part, while extremely motivating, is a sentence fragment. How about "Commitment and persistence on my part shall never cease nor waver."

</comments from the peanut gallery>

 

[mdckelley]

Ok, I see what you mean. Thank you. It's been changed.

 

[Falk]

You might want to add something in along the lines of: "Not being selected was a disappointment but it has done nothing to lessen my resolve to receive a commission as a naval officer...blah blah blah... if anything it has made me even more committed to achieving my goal blah blah blah". Thats what I wrote in mine (I got selected the second time around). Just something to explain why aren't giving up.

 

[mdckelley]

Great, thank you. Ok, how is this looking now?

I am respectfully requesting reconsideration for the Baccalaureate Degree Completion Program by the Intelligence Specialist officer board community. Since my previous application, I have demonstrated significant self-improvement. I have improved my ASTB score and have completed fourteen additional credit hours towards my degree. I have been inducted into the Golden Key International Honour Society as a result of my outstanding GPA. I have earned a place on the Dean's List of Honor Students at Humphreys College. I have also become an officer of the San Joaquin Superior Court as a volunteer Court Appointed Special Advocate for children who are dependents of the state.

My improvements within the last few months are clear and evident demonstrations of my potential as a Naval Officer. Not being selected was a disappointment, but it has done nothing to lessen my resolve to receive a commission as a naval officer; if anything it has made me even more committed to achieving my goal. The Navy can count on my continuous and unyielding effort to be a better officer than I was the day before. Commitment and persistence on my part shall never cease nor waver. That is my promise to the United States Navy.

 

[blarged]

Should 'officer' be capitalized?

 

[TrunkMonkey]

I would take out "specialist" and just say the "intelligence officer board...". Intelligence Specialist is the enlisted rate you will work with most in the fleet, and I can see leaving that in there causing some confusion when your statement is read.

 

[mdckelley]

Good question............SHOULD "officer" be capitalized? Anyone?

 

[mdckelley]

Specialist removed....thank you!! How's this looking now?

I am respectfully requesting reconsideration for the Baccalaureate Degree Completion Program by the Intelligence Officer Board community. Since my previous application, I have demonstrated significant self-improvement. I have improved my ASTB score and have completed fourteen additional credit hours towards my degree. I have been inducted into the Golden Key International Honour Society as a result of my outstanding GPA. I have earned a place on the Dean's List of Honor Students at Humphreys College. I have also become an Officer of the San Joaquin Superior Court as a volunteer Court Appointed Special Advocate for children who are dependents of the state.
My improvements within the last few months are clear and evident demonstrations of my potential as a Naval Officer. Not being selected was a disappointment, but it has done nothing to lessen my resolve to receive a commission; if anything it has made me even more committed to achieving my goal. The Navy can count on my continuous and unyielding effort to be a better Officer than I was the day before. Commitment and persistence on my part shall never cease nor waver. That is my promise to the United States Navy.

 

[paulmkrueger]

Hey everyone. Resurrecting a 5 year old thread, ha! I need to submit a letter of reconsideration myself. Can anyone proofread? Thanks in advance.

Subject: REQUEST FOR RECONSIDERATION

Sir or Ma’am,

This letter serves to express my desire to be reconsidered for U.S. Navy Officer Candidate School. Since my initial application, my desire to become a commissioned officer in the United States Navy has not wavered in any way. Conversely, my desire has since increased. One of the most important lessons being an enlisted sailor taught me was that when faced with adversity, it is tolerable, though not preferred, to not initially reach ones goal, as long as the experience provides a learning experience and one continues to persevere towards accomplishment. However, quitting is never tolerated.

Since my initial application, I begun to continue my education by taking political science classes in preparation for application into the Homeland Security Master’s program at San Diego State University. My fitness has significantly improved as well as I have gone from 22% body fat to 18% and successfully completed my second full marathon an thirty-two minutes faster than my first. I continue to increase my physical readiness in preparation for a continued career as a Naval Officer.

Additionally, I have been very active in charitable causes benefiting the American Cancer Society, specifically Making Strides against Breast Cancer, and several veteran organizations including the VFW and Boots on Ground, a PTSD/veteran suicide awareness organization founded in memory of a shipmate of mine.

It is my sincerest ambition to achieve the goal I set out for myself years ago to become a commissioned officer in the United States Navy. My experience in the Navy as an enlisted sailor was a life-changing experience and afforded me the opportunity to achieve several of my other goals which included service in Afghanistan in support of Operation Enduring Freedom and the opportunity to attend college and become the first in my family to earn a bachelor’s degree. I am and will be forever indebted to the Navy for the experience and opportunities I have attained. It would be an honor and a privilege to serve among the world’s finest military officers to perpetuate the ongoing tradition of excellence in service to my country.


Very Respectfully,

Paul M. Krueger

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Hey everyone. Resurrecting a 5 year old thread, ha! I need to submit a letter of reconsideration myself. Can anyone proofread? Thanks in advance.

Subject: REQUEST FOR RECONSIDERATION

Sir or Ma’am,

This letter serves to express my desire to be reconsidered for U.S. Navy Officer Candidate School. Since my initial application, my desire to become a commissioned officer in the United States Navy has not wavered in any way. Conversely, my desire has since increased. One of the most important lessons being an enlisted sailor taught me was that when faced with adversity, it is tolerable, though not preferred, to not initially reach ones goal, as long as the experience provides a learning experience and one continues to persevere towards accomplishment. However, quitting is never tolerated.

Since my initial application, I begun to continue my education by taking political science classes in preparation for application into the Homeland Security Master’s program at San Diego State University. My fitness has significantly improved as well as I have gone from 22% body fat to 18% and successfully completed my second full marathon an thirty-two minutes faster than my first. I continue to increase my physical readiness in preparation for a continued career as a Naval Officer.

Additionally, I have been very active in charitable causes benefiting the American Cancer Society, specifically Making Strides against Breast Cancer, and several veteran organizations including the VFW and Boots on Ground, a PTSD/veteran suicide awareness organization founded in memory of a shipmate of mine.

It is my sincerest ambition to achieve the goal I set out for myself years ago to become a commissioned officer in the United States Navy. My experience in the Navy as an enlisted sailor was a life-changing experience and afforded me the opportunity to achieve several of my other goals which included service in Afghanistan in support of Operation Enduring Freedom and the opportunity to attend college and become the first in my family to earn a bachelor’s degree. I am and will be forever indebted to the Navy for the experience and opportunities I have attained. It would be an honor and a privilege to serve among the world’s finest military officers to perpetuate the ongoing tradition of excellence in service to my country.


Very Respectfully,

Paul M. Krueger

Some areas to expand upon are, mention leadership positions if you hold any in VFW, or any of the other organizations you volunteer with.