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OCS IP motivational statement in need of feedback *do not hesitate and include harsh criticism*

sunnylee3712

New Member
It is the American dream I strive to protect even if it means death. As a leader, it is only natural to pursue something greater, and to achieve strength that will make our nation more powerful. To be amongst leaders that are part of the most elite forces in the world, which is the United States Navy means Responsibility, Strong work ethic, and Discipline. Becoming a United States Navy officer is a commitment I strongly desire to pursue to bring honor to the entirety of the Navy, and America.
As a prior enlisted sailor, I have committed to excellence and the core values of the Navy, which is Honor, Courage, and Commitment. However, I have realized that I have not completed my calling within the Navy. I realized my calling was not over when I looked into the eyes of a helpless mother, that had lost her son due to the war in Afghanistan. At this point I was determined that I needed to lead and be directly involved with any issues – that has any potential to destroy our American dream.
My realization of leadership started my third year in the Navy. At this point I was a third-class petty officer as well as a team leader within the aviation ordnance community. It is within this community I have learned to lead from the front and never from the rear. It is because of the powerful forces of leadership and strong mentorship; I experienced a forceful push into leading in uncomfortable situations. During my enlistment, I always heard the saying “A good leader is a good follower”. I do not believe this to be true anymore. If there is a good leader, that person cannot follow. For example, as a leader no one is going to tell you what calls to make and when. Anybody can follow orders. Only leaders will create the time to understand, educate themselves, and pursue. It is the Responsibility of the leader to do so. And as soon as a leader loses Strong work ethic, it is from the rear they will begin to “lead”. Therefore, it is important to maintain Discipline, to continuously lead from the front, which brings honor to the Navy and America.
What I bring to the Information Professional community is Responsibility, Strong work ethic, and Discipline. This community opens doors to bigger opportunities for my professional development, as well as my personal development - so that I may become a buffer between technology and the Navy. I strive to secure our Navy’s technological infrastructures, so that no threat can be imposed to the American dream.
 

nia.maye

Choco_nia
Personal statement is supposed to answer why you want to be a Naval Officer? What are your goals as a Naval Officer? What unique traits do you posses not listed in your application

Remember to Brainstorm

Your first paragraph is your introductory paragraph, it should pique the interest of the reader and identify your purpose.

Intro:
I had no moment of divine intervention, but rather a gradual realisation that commissioning into United States Navy as an Information Professional Officer would be the perfect career path for me.
Why:
As a prior enlisted Sailor I had the pleasure of working alongside naval Officers who inspired me and I hope to one day equal their skill, diligence and passion. I thrive on being challenged and aspire to incorporate my experience toward leading my team, promoting a healthy culture leveraged on existing strengths, research and innovation.....
Goal:
Achieving successful milestones are a long term career goal. Upon completion of a Division Officer Afloat tour I plan to attend the Naval Postgraduate School to obtain my graduates degree in C4I...

Clean!
Clear!
Concise!
 

sunnylee3712

New Member
Thank you all!! this was written with a lack of understanding however, I see that this was more poorly written than I anticipated! I will rewrite and post again in the near future!
 
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