Personally, I know that my wife would be happier if she were able to build a career, but that's not feasible because I will have to be exceptionally lucky to live in a place for more than 3 years (and I won't know it until near the 3 year point). I'd also feel more comfortable with my wife and kids dealing with deployments and hectic schedules if they had roots in the area -- close friends who they've known for a long time. So while I would take a paycut to O-3 pay leaving the Navy, the fact that my wife can build a career would more than make up for it. And the cherries on top are that my kids won't have to find new friends every 3 years and I won't ever have to go underway on short notice or miss birthdays/holidays/growing up milestones.
Then there's the fact that enlisted servicemembers want to start families, too, and they don't make anywhere near O-3 to O-5 pay while doing it. So when a flag officer who's set with a 6-figure income for life gets in front of a crowd telling them that they are overpaid, then it's a huge slap in the face.
My family is well off financially while I'm active duty, but if I look into the future retiring as an O-5 (assuming I even get selected), I'm trying to figure out how to send my kids to college in the next 3 years and how to purchase my first home while competing with people substantially younger than me for jobs. Meanwhile my wife is also trying to finally start to build a long-term career in her upper 40s. Quite honestly, the prospect of that is very scary to me. AD pay isn't going to make me stay/leave, it's what happens to my family when, not if but when, the Navy spits me out.
Because your spouse is unable to establish a career due to the nature of your work, is that reason for higher compensation for you personally? I don't think that these two factors are a realistic reason for higher pay in the military. This is already a strange place in the sense that you get a pay raise for saying "I do". I have yet to find a civilian employer that automatically makes that type of concession.
My argument is that the pay in the officer ranks is very competitive with the civilian sector and I don't think that throwing more money at service members in salary is the correct motivator. Overpaid? No. But definitely not underpaid. I turned down a $125,000 bonus when I dropped my papers, and took a pay cut.
Some civilian jobs come with more stability, some do not. Some come with homesteading ability, some do not. Some require even more travel than being in the military (take my friend who lives in Boston, but works in San Diego Monday through Friday). All career paths are a choice. The fact that a military member must move every 3 years is part of the job description and a choice we all made when joining. Not saying it doesn't wear on you and the Navy should not attempt to find ways to mitigate some of this pressure, but it is the nature of the business. It is also not unique to the military. With companies going global more and more, moving for the next promotion is becoming more of a standard.
Frankly I don't understand your feeling of getting "spit out" after 20 years when you will start enjoying a retirement check and free health care at the ripe old age of 42 (give or take a few years). There are very few professions out there that you start recieving a pension at 42 and can then begin another career (of which you can potentially retire at 62 with a second retirement) to increase that income even more.
I don't want to take away any of the sacrifice that we as military members have made. I don't want to diminish the service we have all given to this country. But I don't believe that the military officer corps isn't getting paid enough. The enlisted side is a completely separate issue that would take an entirely new thread.
My personal opinion is the military needs to focus on continuing to provide the experience, job satisfaction, and sense of fairness that all of us hoped for when we signed up. The higher OPTEMPO, longer deployments, overemphasized scrutiny on social issues (some time is needed here, but not as much), and a loss of confidence in "you've got my back" are the issues that need focus.