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Motivational statement
- Thread starter Spekkio
- Start date
hey guys, not meaning to thread jack, but i am going to anyway. i just finished my motivational statement and want a bit of input. im about 50 words over, and im not sure if they are really that nit picky about that. can anybody give me some input? thanks guys!
[FONT="]To quote Karl von Clausewitz, “Never forget that no military leader has ever become great without audacity.” My inspiration to earn a commission is that disciplined and challenging lifestyle that the military can offer me and help forge me into a great leader. Growing up in a Navy family, I have developed a profound respect for the service and the Navy’s core values of honor, courage, and commitment. Through this commission, I seek to further hone, focus, and develop my skills so that I may become a more productive officer of this country’s great Navy. I have watched my family members, particularly my father (a retired Chief) and uncle (a retired Master Chief) serve their terms of service and have been inspired by their hard work and dedication to the service, and want to continue this great family tradition and give myself the opportunity to become just as honorable, if not, more honorable than they have been for the Navy.[/FONT]
[FONT="]I am seeking commission in the field of Naval Intelligence because I feel that my degree in Political Science has helped prepared me for it. In today’s world affairs and conflicts, it is of the utmost importance that good and reliable information be disseminated between the many branches. I feel that the Navy offers me a great opportunity to continue being actively involved in maintaining our nation’s peace, strength, and security, and that I am capable of handling such a challenging position.[/FONT]
[FONT="]I consider myself a hard worker and a “people person”, as I am able to work well in large groups of people and relate information and ideas to them very well. In high school, my experiences as drum major allowed me to multi-task and manage a group of about 35 band members along with the other performance groups at my school. In college, I was my fraternity’s recruitment chairman for two years and was required to work with my entire chapter: I organized recruitment events, kept track of potential recruits, and organized my committee in such a manner that it was easy for us to relay relevant information to the executive and administrative boards with a relatively good amount of detail. In my job as a tutor, I manage a class of about 5-25 students. I feel that my students look up to me because I make sure that I not only relate the information that is necessary for them to succeed but also inspire them to rise above and beyond their expectations and get into the schools of their choice.[/FONT]
[FONT="]I look forward to the chance to serve and defend both this country and the Navy with the honor, courage, and commitment necessary to make a good officer. [/FONT]
[FONT="]To quote Karl von Clausewitz, “Never forget that no military leader has ever become great without audacity.” My inspiration to earn a commission is that disciplined and challenging lifestyle that the military can offer me and help forge me into a great leader. Growing up in a Navy family, I have developed a profound respect for the service and the Navy’s core values of honor, courage, and commitment. Through this commission, I seek to further hone, focus, and develop my skills so that I may become a more productive officer of this country’s great Navy. I have watched my family members, particularly my father (a retired Chief) and uncle (a retired Master Chief) serve their terms of service and have been inspired by their hard work and dedication to the service, and want to continue this great family tradition and give myself the opportunity to become just as honorable, if not, more honorable than they have been for the Navy.[/FONT]
[FONT="]I am seeking commission in the field of Naval Intelligence because I feel that my degree in Political Science has helped prepared me for it. In today’s world affairs and conflicts, it is of the utmost importance that good and reliable information be disseminated between the many branches. I feel that the Navy offers me a great opportunity to continue being actively involved in maintaining our nation’s peace, strength, and security, and that I am capable of handling such a challenging position.[/FONT]
[FONT="]I consider myself a hard worker and a “people person”, as I am able to work well in large groups of people and relate information and ideas to them very well. In high school, my experiences as drum major allowed me to multi-task and manage a group of about 35 band members along with the other performance groups at my school. In college, I was my fraternity’s recruitment chairman for two years and was required to work with my entire chapter: I organized recruitment events, kept track of potential recruits, and organized my committee in such a manner that it was easy for us to relay relevant information to the executive and administrative boards with a relatively good amount of detail. In my job as a tutor, I manage a class of about 5-25 students. I feel that my students look up to me because I make sure that I not only relate the information that is necessary for them to succeed but also inspire them to rise above and beyond their expectations and get into the schools of their choice.[/FONT]
[FONT="]I look forward to the chance to serve and defend both this country and the Navy with the honor, courage, and commitment necessary to make a good officer. [/FONT]
WishICouldFly
UO Future Pork Chop
Drop the burge...no, wait, wrong statement.
I wouldn't mention the 'Naval Intelligence' if you are BDCP/Direct OCS, since I think they are looking more for why you would be a great Naval Officer, not a Naval Intelligence Officer.
I stick with the idea of Naval Officer first, particular community second, which you do mention in the last sentence, but I would take out the middle paragraph.
Otherwise, I'd drop the word 'consider', and just say "I am a hard worker." I don't know if the Frat recruitment/band drum major part is very useful just because you'll have it on your application elsewhere.
The first paragraph is good, especially talking about your inspiration from your family.
I wouldn't mention the 'Naval Intelligence' if you are BDCP/Direct OCS, since I think they are looking more for why you would be a great Naval Officer, not a Naval Intelligence Officer.
I stick with the idea of Naval Officer first, particular community second, which you do mention in the last sentence, but I would take out the middle paragraph.
Otherwise, I'd drop the word 'consider', and just say "I am a hard worker." I don't know if the Frat recruitment/band drum major part is very useful just because you'll have it on your application elsewhere.
The first paragraph is good, especially talking about your inspiration from your family.
IMO, if you are running over, you can maybe condense a bit in your 4th paragraph, it reads as more of a resume. Maybe something like:
"in high school and college I held many leadership roles including.....This allowed me.....And because of my leadership, I was looked up to because i could....."
Its good info, but could be shortened up a bit.
"in high school and college I held many leadership roles including.....This allowed me.....And because of my leadership, I was looked up to because i could....."
Its good info, but could be shortened up a bit.
I think you should put a Band Camp story in there. The talk about "if not, more honorable than they have been for the Navy" sounds Sun Tsuishly dorky.
FUPaladin
couldabeen
I just posted in a topic that started out with a news story about a 13-year-old who was suspended from school for doodling a picture that vaguely resembled a gun, moved on to the subject of strike formations in Vietnam, and then became about the War on Terror. So I wouldn't call your post a thread jack.
I know you said you'd take the burger part out, but just in case you decide to keep it in...I think you mean palate (sense of taste) instead of palette (the board that artists paint with).
And I'm pretty sure that it's 'have undertaken' instead of 'have undertook.'
Good luck with your application!
T
tbrooks1124
Guest
Seriously, the burger thing needs to go. I'm all for metaphors, I think they're the best tool in the language and use them as much as possible (though mostly spliced with Top Gun quotes). If you really want to keep the McReference, slim it down to one sentence. Ex:, "Instead of purchasing typical convenience burgers, if one opts to create his own from scratch, the taste and uniqueness will provide for a much more delightful consumption." <-- That's stupid, but you get the idea, don't go on and on about a burger. You're applying for a job in which if you screw up, people die. It's not a patty-cake liason position. Sorry, but it is my personal opinion that likening being a Naval Officer to a grill master, however indirectly, is absurd. You can definitely find something unique that will tie into it much better.
Having that success in teaching is good, as it shows that the men you will lead and subsequently teach will listen and react well. However, how many times have you had a teacher that you've liked but haven't learned a damn thing? I would much rather see "My students aced all their tests and scored X points better on the SAT" than "they really liked me" if that data is available.
The other paragraphs were OK, not much to change around except for some wording, content was good though.
Overall, there were some good points and bad. In my honest opinion, a lot of it sounded wishy-washy, almost little-leagueish. I hope I do well or Gee golly I sure think I can do it. I'd like it to sound more assertive. Replace words that imply probability with words that assure certainty. Also, sentence structure-wise, everything was very short. Lengthen some sentences, shorten others. A longer sentence followed by a three-word punchout can be very effective.
I would suggest adding a few lines about wanting the lifestyle of the Navy too. Me personally, and granted this coming from a lowly Mid, but I love the Navy 24/7. I seriously can't get enough. I'm not doing it just to maybe fly, but to be immersed in the culture and fraternity. The above statement almost treated it as a 9-5. Now, I wouldn't recommend you describe your hard-on for the Navy either, but find a nice middle ground.
The choppiness you described, I wouldn't worry about it, it's not a long enough piece to have seamless transitions. I liked how it had a professional tone, but felt a lot of it was a little too topical.
Hope that helps.
These are good suggestions. I would like to offer a few specifics. If I am repeating something already mentioned, I apologize. I didn't read every word of the posts.
Specifically, make sure your sentences are parallel. I noticed the use of present and past tense in the same sentence. The entire statement needs to be in the same tense. Example: I believe in your second paragraph you mentioned how the students rated you. A few words earlier you used present tense. Pardon me, I haven't figured out how to quote certain things. I seem to get berated for posting on this site. However, as a former English teacher, I can offer you a little help. My former JROTC students would come to me with their college statements.
Also, you used the words "have" and "undertook" together. It should read "have undertaken." (present participle)
You may PM me or email me your updated statement if you like. I will look it over again. Or, repost.
Good luck.
Brett1
Banned
Spekkio, I have taken the liberty to re-write your statement into a much more concise and effective document. It will let the board know that you are functioning on a much higher level. Behold:
This letter comes to you in the hope that it will find the place in your mind where rationality resides and where decency and sanity, coupled with a healthy sense of anger, will trigger appropriate action. One of the first facts we should face is that for United States Navy's larcenous plans to succeed, it needs to "dumb down" our society. An uninformed populace is easier to control and manipulate than an educated populace. Within a short period of time, schoolchildren will stop being required to learn the meanings of words like "incomprehensibleness" and "ultramicrochemistry". They will be incapable of comprehending that United States Navy doesn't use words for communication or for exchanging information. It uses them to disarm, to hypnotize, to mislead, and to deceive. The law is not just a moral stance. It is the consensus of society on our minimum standards of behavior. Even though United States Navy gives flattering titles to its natural distempers, if we are powerless to make United States Navy answer for its wrongdoings, it is because we have allowed United States Navy to provide snotty wimps with a milieu in which they can "solve" all our problems by talking them to death.
We must overcome the fears that beset us every day of our lives. We must overcome the fear that United States Navy will see to it that all patriotic endeavors are directed down blind alleys, where they end in frustration and discouragement. And to overcome these fears, we must set the stage so that my next letter will begin from a new and much higher level of influence. I don't need to tell you that it's shocking just how quasi-intolerant United States Navy can be. That should be self-evident. What is less evident is that I can easily see United States Navy performing the following lascivious, ghastly acts. First, it will create a new cottage industry around its condescending form of interdenominationalism. Then, it will control your bank account, your employment, your personal safety, and your mind. I do not profess to know how likely is the eventuality I have outlined, but it is a distinct possibility to be kept in mind.
Imagine, as it is not hard to do, that United States Navy's the type of organization who would tell everyone else what to do if it got the chance. It then follows that I frequently talk about how a large percentage of United States Navy's helpers can be termed possession-obsessed. I would drop the subject, except that the key to its soul is its longing for the effortless, irresponsible, automatic consciousness of an animal. United States Navy dreads the necessity, the risk, and the responsibility of rational cognition. As a result, it has a knack for convincing the worst classes of predaceous self-proclaimed arbiters of taste and standards there are that anyone who dares to fight tooth and nail against it can expect to suffer hair loss and tooth decay as a result. That's called marketing. The underlying trick is to use sesquipedalian terms like "undiscriminatingness" and "pseudointernationalistic" to keep its sales pitch from sounding deranged. That's why you really have to look hard to see that I've tried explaining to United States Navy's advocates that the costs of United States Navy's hijinks outweigh their benefits. Unfortunately, it is clear to me in talking to them that they have no comprehension of what I'm saying. I might as well be talking to creatures from Mars. In fact, I'd bet Martians would be more likely to discern that I believe I have found my calling. My calling is to prescribe a course of action. And just let it try and stop me. I, hardheaded cynic that I am, have a hard time trying to reason with people who remain calm when they see United States Navy gain a virtual stranglehold on many facets of our educational system. I am shocked and angered by United States Navy's uneducated improprieties. Such shameful conduct should never be repeated.
I have begged United States Navy's surrogates to step forth and challenge the present and enrich the future. To date, not a single soul has agreed to help in this fashion. Are they worried about how United States Navy might retaliate? We already have our answer; as a respected journalist put it, "Raising the volume, increasing the stridency, or stressing the emotionalism of an argument does not improve its validity". He probably could have added that I suppose it's predictable, though terribly sad, that juvenile layabouts with stronger voices than minds would revert to lackluster behavior. But I recommend paying close attention to the praxeological method developed by the economist Ludwig von Mises and using it as a technique to expose the connections between the wretched problems that face us and the key issues of Trotskyism and obscurantism. The praxeological method is useful in this context because it employs praxeology, the general science of human action, to explain why it's likely that sooner or later United States Navy will impose pudibund new restrictions on society just to satisfy some sort of patronizing drive for power if we don't stop it now. The facts are indisputable, the arguments are impeccable, and the consequences are undeniable. So why does it claim that it would sooner give up money, fame, power, and happiness than perform a heartless act? To answer that question, we need first to consider United States Navy's thought process, which generally takes the following form: (1) United States Navy is the one who will lead us to our great shining future, so (2) its mistakes are always someone else's fault. Therefore, (3) we should be grateful for the precious freedom to be robbed and kicked in the face by such a noble creature as it and thus, (4) going through the motions of working is the same as working. As you can see, United States Navy's reasoning makes no sense, which leads me to believe that the spectrum of views between ageism and onanism is not a line but a circle at which choleric hostes generis humani and malign, effrontive weirdos meet. To properly place United States Navy somewhere in that spectrum, one needs to realize that United States Navy's expedients are destructive. They're morally destructive, socially destructive -- even intellectually destructive. And, as if that weren't enough, some inarticulate slimeballs are actually considering helping United States Navy rip apart causes that others feel strongly about. How quickly such people forget that they were lied to, made fun of, and ridiculed by United States Navy on numerous occasions. You know what we'd have if everybody wanted to blacklist United States Navy's enemies as terrorist sympathizers or traitors? Total chaos.
On several occasions I have heard United States Navy state that it has its moral compass in tact. I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a comment. What I consider far more important, though, is that some of the facts I'm about to present may seem shocking. This they certainly are. However, someone just showed me a memo supposedly written by United States Navy. The memo spells out its plans to appropriate sacred symbols for truculent purposes. If this memo is authentic, it tells us that United States Navy occasionally shows what appears to be warmth, joy, love, or compassion. You should realize, however, that these positive expressions are more feigned than experienced and invariably serve an ulterior motive, such as to break down age-old institutions and customs. I am hurt, furious, and embarrassed. Why am I hurt? Because United States Navy keeps insisting that it has the trappings of deity. To me, there is something fundamentally wrong with that story. Maybe it's that I overheard one of United States Navy's chums say, "Divine ichor flows through United States Navy's veins." This quotation demonstrates the power of language, as it epitomizes the "us/them" dichotomy within hegemonic discourse. As for me, I prefer to use language to shine a light on United States Navy's efforts to rot our minds with the hallucinatory drug of scapegoatism. Why am I furious? Because almost every day, United States Navy outreaches itself in setting new records for arrogance, deceit, and greed. It's indeed breathtaking to watch it. And why am I embarrassed? Because there is no place in this country where we are safe from United States Navy's minions, no place where we are not targeted for hatred and attack. In closing, I consider this letter to be required reading for everyone who still cares that United States Navy has lost contact with reality. Unfortunately, with our nation's media being as controlled as it is, there's no way that this letter will be widely publicized. Therefore, I'm counting on you to pass on this letter to all of your e-mail contacts. Thank you.
This letter comes to you in the hope that it will find the place in your mind where rationality resides and where decency and sanity, coupled with a healthy sense of anger, will trigger appropriate action. One of the first facts we should face is that for United States Navy's larcenous plans to succeed, it needs to "dumb down" our society. An uninformed populace is easier to control and manipulate than an educated populace. Within a short period of time, schoolchildren will stop being required to learn the meanings of words like "incomprehensibleness" and "ultramicrochemistry". They will be incapable of comprehending that United States Navy doesn't use words for communication or for exchanging information. It uses them to disarm, to hypnotize, to mislead, and to deceive. The law is not just a moral stance. It is the consensus of society on our minimum standards of behavior. Even though United States Navy gives flattering titles to its natural distempers, if we are powerless to make United States Navy answer for its wrongdoings, it is because we have allowed United States Navy to provide snotty wimps with a milieu in which they can "solve" all our problems by talking them to death.
We must overcome the fears that beset us every day of our lives. We must overcome the fear that United States Navy will see to it that all patriotic endeavors are directed down blind alleys, where they end in frustration and discouragement. And to overcome these fears, we must set the stage so that my next letter will begin from a new and much higher level of influence. I don't need to tell you that it's shocking just how quasi-intolerant United States Navy can be. That should be self-evident. What is less evident is that I can easily see United States Navy performing the following lascivious, ghastly acts. First, it will create a new cottage industry around its condescending form of interdenominationalism. Then, it will control your bank account, your employment, your personal safety, and your mind. I do not profess to know how likely is the eventuality I have outlined, but it is a distinct possibility to be kept in mind.
Imagine, as it is not hard to do, that United States Navy's the type of organization who would tell everyone else what to do if it got the chance. It then follows that I frequently talk about how a large percentage of United States Navy's helpers can be termed possession-obsessed. I would drop the subject, except that the key to its soul is its longing for the effortless, irresponsible, automatic consciousness of an animal. United States Navy dreads the necessity, the risk, and the responsibility of rational cognition. As a result, it has a knack for convincing the worst classes of predaceous self-proclaimed arbiters of taste and standards there are that anyone who dares to fight tooth and nail against it can expect to suffer hair loss and tooth decay as a result. That's called marketing. The underlying trick is to use sesquipedalian terms like "undiscriminatingness" and "pseudointernationalistic" to keep its sales pitch from sounding deranged. That's why you really have to look hard to see that I've tried explaining to United States Navy's advocates that the costs of United States Navy's hijinks outweigh their benefits. Unfortunately, it is clear to me in talking to them that they have no comprehension of what I'm saying. I might as well be talking to creatures from Mars. In fact, I'd bet Martians would be more likely to discern that I believe I have found my calling. My calling is to prescribe a course of action. And just let it try and stop me. I, hardheaded cynic that I am, have a hard time trying to reason with people who remain calm when they see United States Navy gain a virtual stranglehold on many facets of our educational system. I am shocked and angered by United States Navy's uneducated improprieties. Such shameful conduct should never be repeated.
I have begged United States Navy's surrogates to step forth and challenge the present and enrich the future. To date, not a single soul has agreed to help in this fashion. Are they worried about how United States Navy might retaliate? We already have our answer; as a respected journalist put it, "Raising the volume, increasing the stridency, or stressing the emotionalism of an argument does not improve its validity". He probably could have added that I suppose it's predictable, though terribly sad, that juvenile layabouts with stronger voices than minds would revert to lackluster behavior. But I recommend paying close attention to the praxeological method developed by the economist Ludwig von Mises and using it as a technique to expose the connections between the wretched problems that face us and the key issues of Trotskyism and obscurantism. The praxeological method is useful in this context because it employs praxeology, the general science of human action, to explain why it's likely that sooner or later United States Navy will impose pudibund new restrictions on society just to satisfy some sort of patronizing drive for power if we don't stop it now. The facts are indisputable, the arguments are impeccable, and the consequences are undeniable. So why does it claim that it would sooner give up money, fame, power, and happiness than perform a heartless act? To answer that question, we need first to consider United States Navy's thought process, which generally takes the following form: (1) United States Navy is the one who will lead us to our great shining future, so (2) its mistakes are always someone else's fault. Therefore, (3) we should be grateful for the precious freedom to be robbed and kicked in the face by such a noble creature as it and thus, (4) going through the motions of working is the same as working. As you can see, United States Navy's reasoning makes no sense, which leads me to believe that the spectrum of views between ageism and onanism is not a line but a circle at which choleric hostes generis humani and malign, effrontive weirdos meet. To properly place United States Navy somewhere in that spectrum, one needs to realize that United States Navy's expedients are destructive. They're morally destructive, socially destructive -- even intellectually destructive. And, as if that weren't enough, some inarticulate slimeballs are actually considering helping United States Navy rip apart causes that others feel strongly about. How quickly such people forget that they were lied to, made fun of, and ridiculed by United States Navy on numerous occasions. You know what we'd have if everybody wanted to blacklist United States Navy's enemies as terrorist sympathizers or traitors? Total chaos.
On several occasions I have heard United States Navy state that it has its moral compass in tact. I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a comment. What I consider far more important, though, is that some of the facts I'm about to present may seem shocking. This they certainly are. However, someone just showed me a memo supposedly written by United States Navy. The memo spells out its plans to appropriate sacred symbols for truculent purposes. If this memo is authentic, it tells us that United States Navy occasionally shows what appears to be warmth, joy, love, or compassion. You should realize, however, that these positive expressions are more feigned than experienced and invariably serve an ulterior motive, such as to break down age-old institutions and customs. I am hurt, furious, and embarrassed. Why am I hurt? Because United States Navy keeps insisting that it has the trappings of deity. To me, there is something fundamentally wrong with that story. Maybe it's that I overheard one of United States Navy's chums say, "Divine ichor flows through United States Navy's veins." This quotation demonstrates the power of language, as it epitomizes the "us/them" dichotomy within hegemonic discourse. As for me, I prefer to use language to shine a light on United States Navy's efforts to rot our minds with the hallucinatory drug of scapegoatism. Why am I furious? Because almost every day, United States Navy outreaches itself in setting new records for arrogance, deceit, and greed. It's indeed breathtaking to watch it. And why am I embarrassed? Because there is no place in this country where we are safe from United States Navy's minions, no place where we are not targeted for hatred and attack. In closing, I consider this letter to be required reading for everyone who still cares that United States Navy has lost contact with reality. Unfortunately, with our nation's media being as controlled as it is, there's no way that this letter will be widely publicized. Therefore, I'm counting on you to pass on this letter to all of your e-mail contacts. Thank you.
I nearly went into didactic shock after reading Brett1 post. Still entertaining.