Spekkio
He bowls overhand.
Hey all...Looking for edits/opinions of my motivational statement. If you are morally opposed to the idea of having a motivational statement edited, please refrain from posting in this thread -- I don't want to hear it, and I personally believe that any good piece of writing gets looked over by multiple editors for grammar and clarity.
The biggest suggestion I'm seeking is how to cut down my statement -- it is 100 words over the 400 word limit (or does it even matter? It only takes up half the provided space on the application). This has already been revised a few times, so it's 95% complete. I plan on getting my application into my recruiter tomorrow afternoon. So without further ado:
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There are few things more American than a good burger. Many people use pre-made, frozen patties out of convenience, even though this sacrifices taste. Their reasoning is that it’s “just a burger,” but I don’t see it that way. I prefer to make my burgers from scratch, so I can add the perfect combination of spices. The extra time it takes me to mix together quality ingredients, mold some patties, and cook them just right results in numerous compliments and satisfied palettes at every barbecue. But my commitment to be the best and my desire to serve others go far beyond cooking burgers, which is why I make an excellent candidate for a U.S. Naval officer.
I anticipate that a job as a Naval officer will be a challenging one. I intend to approach that challenge with the same zeal in which I have undertook all of my jobs, consistently resulting in outstanding performance. As a teacher at Kaplan, 62% of my students rated me “excellent” overall, the highest rating they can give. Moreover, students routinely request to be in my class at the local High School where I teach. As a coordinator at Homegate, I consistently won the bonus for most work completed over the course of the week, even though I have only been with them for six weeks. I always put forth the maximum effort possible to succeed at my job, and I will take the same approach towards my duties as a Naval officer.
Nothing can demonstrate my dedication and assiduous nature more than my training at L.I. Tae-Kwon-Do. I have been with the organization for 12 years and have worked my way up to 2nd degree black belt. One of the most valuable lessons I learned as a black belt is that leadership comes from example. Students look towards black belts as models of how they should perform and conduct themselves. Therefore, it is important that I give my best effort while both training and leading classes, so that I can encourage others to perform at their peaks as well. If I am to become an officer, I will be called upon to lead our sailors in defending our country; this vital lesson in leadership that I learned in my study of Tae-Kwon-Do will serve me – and consequently, them – well.
There is much more to the U.S. than burgers. It is a country that represents the ideals of liberty, democracy, justice, and entrepreneurship – ideals that are worth defending. But above everything else, the U.S. represents a land of opportunity. Serving my country as a Naval officer provides me with the opportunity to grow as a person by further developing my character, leadership, and discipline. Furthermore, today’s technology is advancing exponentially. By working as a nuclear trained officer with the world’s premier technology and defense systems, I will have more options for career advancement either in the Navy or in the civilian world. I look forward to taking advantage of these opportunities while giving my best effort to defending my country.
The biggest suggestion I'm seeking is how to cut down my statement -- it is 100 words over the 400 word limit (or does it even matter? It only takes up half the provided space on the application). This has already been revised a few times, so it's 95% complete. I plan on getting my application into my recruiter tomorrow afternoon. So without further ado:
----------------------------------------------------------------
There are few things more American than a good burger. Many people use pre-made, frozen patties out of convenience, even though this sacrifices taste. Their reasoning is that it’s “just a burger,” but I don’t see it that way. I prefer to make my burgers from scratch, so I can add the perfect combination of spices. The extra time it takes me to mix together quality ingredients, mold some patties, and cook them just right results in numerous compliments and satisfied palettes at every barbecue. But my commitment to be the best and my desire to serve others go far beyond cooking burgers, which is why I make an excellent candidate for a U.S. Naval officer.
I anticipate that a job as a Naval officer will be a challenging one. I intend to approach that challenge with the same zeal in which I have undertook all of my jobs, consistently resulting in outstanding performance. As a teacher at Kaplan, 62% of my students rated me “excellent” overall, the highest rating they can give. Moreover, students routinely request to be in my class at the local High School where I teach. As a coordinator at Homegate, I consistently won the bonus for most work completed over the course of the week, even though I have only been with them for six weeks. I always put forth the maximum effort possible to succeed at my job, and I will take the same approach towards my duties as a Naval officer.
Nothing can demonstrate my dedication and assiduous nature more than my training at L.I. Tae-Kwon-Do. I have been with the organization for 12 years and have worked my way up to 2nd degree black belt. One of the most valuable lessons I learned as a black belt is that leadership comes from example. Students look towards black belts as models of how they should perform and conduct themselves. Therefore, it is important that I give my best effort while both training and leading classes, so that I can encourage others to perform at their peaks as well. If I am to become an officer, I will be called upon to lead our sailors in defending our country; this vital lesson in leadership that I learned in my study of Tae-Kwon-Do will serve me – and consequently, them – well.
There is much more to the U.S. than burgers. It is a country that represents the ideals of liberty, democracy, justice, and entrepreneurship – ideals that are worth defending. But above everything else, the U.S. represents a land of opportunity. Serving my country as a Naval officer provides me with the opportunity to grow as a person by further developing my character, leadership, and discipline. Furthermore, today’s technology is advancing exponentially. By working as a nuclear trained officer with the world’s premier technology and defense systems, I will have more options for career advancement either in the Navy or in the civilian world. I look forward to taking advantage of these opportunities while giving my best effort to defending my country.
