**** .. sheesh this is long.. no time to edit. Sorry guys!
My husband completed 6 deployments (two on board a carrier). Likely will be leaving for #7 this Summer. While on the carrier, we averaged 1 lengthy call per port visit and maybe 1 quick call on the pay phone while on board. Emails were primarily 1 liner replies from him. I wrote him daily, however, didn't expect a reply. He, typically, worked nights on the flight deck.. and his workcenter had 8 people for one computer. Nothing like reading emails from your wife with 7 pairs of eyes on your monitor.. So, I tended to do the good old fashioned letter mailing for the mushy 'love you's' and kept the emails to pictures of the kids, yada yada..
We both agreed that we'd rather see the first time cruisers and those with issues back home get the time in for communication. Honestly, his first two deployments were before we even had internet, so the times of 'SAM' mail and ship to shore type calling have not completely escaped our memory. The technology and connectivity is a wonderful thing.. However, with all advancements come the downside..
While volunteering as Ombudsman, my personal analysis and observation was that the most balanced spouses and service members (particularly the younger ones starting out with this journey) were the ones that received calls 1-2 times every few weeks and a few short emails per week. They were the spouses that were able to grow wings, develop a normal cycle of deployment where they. The periodic connectivity seemed to be enough to keep the service member mission focused yet still involved with their families back home. Friends whose sailors have been in the service much longer than mine agreed that they saw negative patterns and expectations increase, as accessibility grew due to the internet and phone access.
What I found developing was spouses who rarely left the home, hinging on a reply from their significant other.. or waiting by the phone. It becomes obsessive in nature.. (trust me, I've received the middle of the night calls and emails from spouses .. it. becomes. obsessive.) Sailors then also had the pressures of foregoing sleep or chow line to stand in line at the pay phone (or worse sneak in a POTS call). I had many discussions with our CMC, and this was an ongoing concern. Being on the receiving end of the line, with calls from spouses who hadn't heard from their sailor since 'this morning' .. that's an issue, clearly. If it hasn't even been the duration of a regular working shift when the guys are back on the beach, and you're already calling an Ombudsman for a health and welfare type check with the command while they're deployed - you've gotta get a grip! (And vice versa, as there were sailors that were also obsessive with constant communication.. disappearing off the flight deck to go into the work centers to check email for the 8th time that day, when there's no major issues going on within the household). Those that are allowed to experience their deployment or independence back on the beach are the ones that tended to be the most adjusted.
With that said, there's no 'right or wrong' in it, if you correspond more or less.
Not an absolute for all families.. just my observations and thoughts on communication and the effects on the marital couple during deployment.
We all want to hear from our service members. If you and your loved one are confident and have trust in your relationship.. honestly, share expectations and have a mutual understanding of limitations. Ship email does go down.. You will have times when you're too tired to stand in line to call. Jane Smith's husband may use that POTS line.. but perhaps your command or ship forbids it. If you're spouse puts the pressure on you, explain to them that she may hear of things being done that aren't permitted. It happens.. If it helps, deploy with pre-addressed envelopes and cards where you can jot a few lines down and throw it in one of the ship mailboxes to fill in the gaps with email and phone. If you have children, leave with sheets of stickers, book marks with their favorite characters... anything that can be simply slipped in an envelope and mailed. There's nothing better than seeing the joy on a child's face, when they open the mailbox and see a letter from their deployed parent. Even my husband's chicken scratch 'I love you's' are the best kept things in my dresser..
By the way... Uncle Fester nailed it right on the head with #2! Including regarding downed email due to OSPEC issues. Commands are very good with disseminating down to Ombudsmen and/or OSC/FSG's to update families that all is well, when email/phone is down or blocked.
atrick - my husband brings his laptop and iPod with him everywhere. When he was much younger, he brought handheld game systems. He also donated a TV and Microwave to the squadron. Others can clarify any restrictions, but I do know any/everything that was plugged in came back with inspection stickers.
Do not abuse POTS line. I had a spouse bypass me and emailed my POC direct while deployed that she had not heard from her spouse in a few days (by phone). He emailed me.. we figured out with the patterns and my POC checking with his department that the guy was coming down from the flight deck every night to use POTS line. Big trouble for the guy and his supervisor that was doing the same.
