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dealing with a reluctant spouse...
- Thread starter VGULIN
- Start date
mjmiller05
Registered User
If you're seriously interested in a 37 year old man who will support you in your career as an officer, I happen to know a couple.
One of my female classmates at the Academy got into this conversation on cruise in Japan at the O-club at the Air Station in Iwakuni (sp?). There were a couple of mid to late 30's lieutenant commanders flying helo's with the Warloads (HSL-something) who decided, while talking to this young attractive female midshipmen, that being married to an ensign would be a pretty good deal. They could get out right at 20, and retain full benefits etc. off of their "sugar-momma" ensign wife. Furthermore, since she was in the Navy she'd respect the fact that they'd hang out and drink at the O-club 3-4 nights a week. Then, they could play golf during the day. I thought it was a hell of a deal myself.
Ok, to answer your question. We all think you're crazy to marry a 37 year old man. I say, dump the guy, go to OCS, become an officer, and go see the world.
One of my female classmates at the Academy got into this conversation on cruise in Japan at the O-club at the Air Station in Iwakuni (sp?). There were a couple of mid to late 30's lieutenant commanders flying helo's with the Warloads (HSL-something) who decided, while talking to this young attractive female midshipmen, that being married to an ensign would be a pretty good deal. They could get out right at 20, and retain full benefits etc. off of their "sugar-momma" ensign wife. Furthermore, since she was in the Navy she'd respect the fact that they'd hang out and drink at the O-club 3-4 nights a week. Then, they could play golf during the day. I thought it was a hell of a deal myself.
Ok, to answer your question. We all think you're crazy to marry a 37 year old man. I say, dump the guy, go to OCS, become an officer, and go see the world.
NavyLonghorn
Registered User
That.. and hes.. well.. Hef.
Riper Snifle
OCC 194 TBS C 03-07
I think you guy's are overeacting to the 16 year age difference here. A girl that graduated from college with me married one of the professors afterwards, she was 24 he was 63, that is a 39 year difference. I figure that gives her 10 good years if she is lucky, then no more sex EVER. What is strange is that this girl is hot and smart, just shows that you never know what women are into these day's. VGULIN, good luck in the relationship, age does not determine a good relationship, but don't let it get in the way of what you want to do. Apply Navy, and pressure your Fiance to come along, if he is really against it then make your choice between him and the Navy, not easy I know, so good luck and I hope everything works out for you. 
Those are 10 good years of sex?
Ok, this ended up being long. I've put on my bartender hat...and take all this with a grain of salt. As for any of the posts you read...remember that you're talking to a majority male audience with Type-A personalities who love flying and the Navy...so don't go telling your boy..."This guy on AW said..." because that's NOT a good thing for anyone.
Foremost...do what you think you should do...because that's most likely the right thing to do...
The addage: "The hardest thing to do is ususally the right thing to do." hold a lot of water sometimes. That's true with either applying to OCS against your fiance's wishes OR turning OCS down and doing whatever else you do.
I'm going to go against the crowd and say good on you. Especially if you have been together for a few years and love the guy because I'm a romantic and love can indeed conquer all. (cue violins and probably negative rep pts
)
It's a great thing that you applied...but you said so yourself..."you've "decided. This is most likely one of the things that he didn't feel he had a say in...and it frustrates him.
If it is true, than they aren't quite divorcing at the same rate as your fellow Americans...also, I've been deployed twice...The number of married officers that I've been with have never "unintentionally/intentionally" cheat on their spouses. There are horror stories out there, but rare.
Link I found on military divorce rates.
That's good that he states he supports your decision, but then it's not good that he calls it "dumb." (this is the point, btw, that WE all get offended here and instantly shut down any sort of liking of your fiance...because than we are indirectly being called "dumb" by him...) Did you talk to him before about this? Of course if you never said anything before just now and you've been together for a few years, than I can see how he calls it a "whim"...but I don't know how long you all have been together. Just looking at things from his POV.
I would disagree...as if this is true...than it's a fact. We live in Denial of facts, but we don't ignore them. Try not to shut down when you feel he's ignoring this fact...just realize that it's something that supports your decision to join...and he doesn't like it. So..he denies, in his head, that it's true. It ain't just a river in Egypt.
Ok, so some people don't feel that this is normal...and don't take offense to this...but what about your insecurities...how did you end up with such an older guy? The rest of the people on this board are focusing on his age...but how did you get with him? Is he a nice older guy? Did you meet at church (an ok place, IMHO, to meet an older guy) or Kids N' Squids night at the local bar (not such a great place)?
Age isn't a big factor if you are both ready for it...but you are a child of the mid to late 80s and he was driving at that time...there are definite culture differences. Your favorite rapper growing up was this guy...he didn't know what rap was.
Army V. Navy...officer V. enlisted...HUGE difference as mentioned before...especially if he was enlisted...make sure that you tell him your dream...and if he's the right guy...
And this is the key. Yes it is a bad thing to pursue a dream, IF, it means that another dream that you wanted more would be possibly ruined...IE...you go to OCS...he can't handle it or you can't handle his criticism, whatever, and you break it off. It was your dream to be married to this guy too (I am guessing since you said "Yes" when he asked). What dream did you want to come true more?
I wish you luck and let us know how it turns out. Either way, I've got a beer and a wife you can talk to if you need it.
~Dan
Foremost...do what you think you should do...because that's most likely the right thing to do...
The addage: "The hardest thing to do is ususally the right thing to do." hold a lot of water sometimes. That's true with either applying to OCS against your fiance's wishes OR turning OCS down and doing whatever else you do.
I'm going to go against the crowd and say good on you. Especially if you have been together for a few years and love the guy because I'm a romantic and love can indeed conquer all. (cue violins and probably negative rep pts
)It's a great thing that you applied...but you said so yourself..."you've "decided. This is most likely one of the things that he didn't feel he had a say in...and it frustrates him.
If it is true, than they aren't quite divorcing at the same rate as your fellow Americans...also, I've been deployed twice...The number of married officers that I've been with have never "unintentionally/intentionally" cheat on their spouses. There are horror stories out there, but rare.
Link I found on military divorce rates.
That's good that he states he supports your decision, but then it's not good that he calls it "dumb." (this is the point, btw, that WE all get offended here and instantly shut down any sort of liking of your fiance...because than we are indirectly being called "dumb" by him...) Did you talk to him before about this? Of course if you never said anything before just now and you've been together for a few years, than I can see how he calls it a "whim"...but I don't know how long you all have been together. Just looking at things from his POV.
I would disagree...as if this is true...than it's a fact. We live in Denial of facts, but we don't ignore them. Try not to shut down when you feel he's ignoring this fact...just realize that it's something that supports your decision to join...and he doesn't like it. So..he denies, in his head, that it's true. It ain't just a river in Egypt.
Ok, so some people don't feel that this is normal...and don't take offense to this...but what about your insecurities...how did you end up with such an older guy? The rest of the people on this board are focusing on his age...but how did you get with him? Is he a nice older guy? Did you meet at church (an ok place, IMHO, to meet an older guy) or Kids N' Squids night at the local bar (not such a great place)?
Age isn't a big factor if you are both ready for it...but you are a child of the mid to late 80s and he was driving at that time...there are definite culture differences. Your favorite rapper growing up was this guy...he didn't know what rap was.
Army V. Navy...officer V. enlisted...HUGE difference as mentioned before...especially if he was enlisted...make sure that you tell him your dream...and if he's the right guy...
And this is the key. Yes it is a bad thing to pursue a dream, IF, it means that another dream that you wanted more would be possibly ruined...IE...you go to OCS...he can't handle it or you can't handle his criticism, whatever, and you break it off. It was your dream to be married to this guy too (I am guessing since you said "Yes" when he asked). What dream did you want to come true more?
I wish you luck and let us know how it turns out. Either way, I've got a beer and a wife you can talk to if you need it.
~Dan
Cate
Pretty much invincible
I'm going to have to throw in from a purely civilian perspective ('cause, well, that's what I am). The age difference doesn't really concern me; I see no reason that a 21-year-old and a 37-year-old can't be perfectly happy together, if they're the right 21-year-old and 37-year-old.
Now, what makes a boyfriend/fiance "right"? Well, accusing you of future infidelity without any evidence that you're likely to stray seems pretty far from "right" (this is, of course, assuming that you haven't had fidelity issues in the past). Calling your dream career a "dumb idea" also seems pretty far from "right." You say he says he supports his decision, but he doesn't really sound too terribly supportive.
The way I see it, there are two possibilities here. One is that your fiance is just completely, irrationally opposed to your doing this. For this to be the case, he has to be a schmuck. He has to recognize that you've got a long-held dream, you've got plans to fulfill it, and he's just putting his own happiness before your own. If that's the case, hand him his hat, send him on his way, and be glad that you found this out before you made anything permanent.
The more likely possibility, though, is that he's had experiences in his own military past that make him leery of a military future for you. The officer/enlisted question is a good one. Has he been cheated on in the past, or seen a close friend cheated on? Has he seen things happen (i.e. injury, death, emotional breakdown, etc.) that he doesn't want to see happen for you? Does he have concerns about you that might make him think you might not be suited for the military? I'm sure you've both talked this through a dozen times, but if you haven't really talked talked, have a good sit-down and really try to get into his head on this. It's possible that if you're able to actually address his concerns directly, he'll be more supportive.
If you do that, though, and he's not able to articulate any specific concerns, or you address his concerns and he's still not satisfied, that's when you have to make the big decision. Which dream is more important to you, OCS or this relationship? Keep in mind that, if you're going to hold onto this guy, he's absolutely going to have to be a supportive partner when you're going through OCS, or it's likely that you'll lose the Navy and the relationship.
But then again, men are just soul-sucking dream killers, and no one should ever get married, right, Brett?
Now, what makes a boyfriend/fiance "right"? Well, accusing you of future infidelity without any evidence that you're likely to stray seems pretty far from "right" (this is, of course, assuming that you haven't had fidelity issues in the past). Calling your dream career a "dumb idea" also seems pretty far from "right." You say he says he supports his decision, but he doesn't really sound too terribly supportive.
The way I see it, there are two possibilities here. One is that your fiance is just completely, irrationally opposed to your doing this. For this to be the case, he has to be a schmuck. He has to recognize that you've got a long-held dream, you've got plans to fulfill it, and he's just putting his own happiness before your own. If that's the case, hand him his hat, send him on his way, and be glad that you found this out before you made anything permanent.
The more likely possibility, though, is that he's had experiences in his own military past that make him leery of a military future for you. The officer/enlisted question is a good one. Has he been cheated on in the past, or seen a close friend cheated on? Has he seen things happen (i.e. injury, death, emotional breakdown, etc.) that he doesn't want to see happen for you? Does he have concerns about you that might make him think you might not be suited for the military? I'm sure you've both talked this through a dozen times, but if you haven't really talked talked, have a good sit-down and really try to get into his head on this. It's possible that if you're able to actually address his concerns directly, he'll be more supportive.
If you do that, though, and he's not able to articulate any specific concerns, or you address his concerns and he's still not satisfied, that's when you have to make the big decision. Which dream is more important to you, OCS or this relationship? Keep in mind that, if you're going to hold onto this guy, he's absolutely going to have to be a supportive partner when you're going through OCS, or it's likely that you'll lose the Navy and the relationship.
But then again, men are just soul-sucking dream killers, and no one should ever get married, right, Brett?
Thanks everyone. He and I had a long chat last night and he apologized for jumping the gun about the whole cheating thing. While he was in the Army he was sleeping with an ensign while she was married. Plus he didn't have a good experience as far as being infantry.
He said that his main concern is that I might 'wash out' which is a possibility. We agreed to go to couples therapy and see what happens from there.
I love him, but if it doesnt work out, it doesn't work out.
But again, thanks everyone. And I'm sorry the post was a little too Dr Phil, I just wanted to hear from folks who are in the military.
He said that his main concern is that I might 'wash out' which is a possibility. We agreed to go to couples therapy and see what happens from there.
I love him, but if it doesnt work out, it doesn't work out.
But again, thanks everyone. And I'm sorry the post was a little too Dr Phil, I just wanted to hear from folks who are in the military.
But then again, men are just soul-sucking dream killers, and no one should ever get married, right, Brett?
Not to men it seems....can't wait to hear Brett's opinion/counterpoint on women
I think the basic idea of what I've said all along applies here, although the particular circumstances are somewhat unique. What's the rush to get married? Yeah, he may be older, but you're just 21. Most 21 year olds are too young to even have a serious relationship, let alone get married. The irrational "rush" to get hitched is exactly what I'm talking about and the wisdom to do otherwise is something that comes with age and experience. Even if things were perfect in your relationship, I would advise you to wait until your career is established before moving towards marriage. That said, at your own admission, you have serious relationship issues. Why would you prematurely jump into a bad situation? Think about that for a minute. If you have career ambitions, pursue those first, get established, and get some of the uncertainty and ambiguity out of the equation. If you think he cares about you and that he's the right guy today, he'll still love you and be the right guy in 5 years when you're experienced enough to be able to make an informed decision about your future.
Brett
NavyLonghorn
Registered User
No offense, but I'd be a little more worried about him.
I never thought I'd say this ... but I agree 100% with NavyVance ... wow ... , just ... wow. But I just took a shower.
Agree