dealing with a reluctant spouse...

[VGULIN]

My fiance and I are set to get married in January after I graduate from college in December. I've decided to apply to OCS and he's not happy with my decision at all. His main concern is that I'm going to "unintentionally cheat" on him because "everyone in the military cheats on their significant other." ummm...I highly doubt that 100% true. He said that he supports my decision but thinks that it's a "dumb idea" that I've made on a whim. He ingnores the fact that I've wanted to be in the military since my brother came back from the Marines years ago. He's 37 and I'm 21, which obviously is playing into his insecurities.

I want his help on my application and just be able to talk to him about military life since he was in the Army. OCS is my dream and if I'm accepted the benefits for us will be great. He's not seeing this. Has anyone else had this problem? I just want to know that it's not a bad thing for wanting to persue a dream....

Thanks everyone.

 

[PropStop]

Vgulin,

No doubt that being in the military is hard on a spouse. It is doubly so when the female half is in the military and the male half is a civilian. I'd say that age gap is a significant factor too.

For most jobs i'd say you shouldn't give up a good thing (i.e. a good relationship) for a job. The military is not a job at all, it is a commitment and a lifestyle. Few jobs can be as rewarding as serving.

Be honest about your feelings with him, but stick to your guns. If you really want to serve I guarantee you will regret it if you don't because of something you can control. If he loves you enough to marry you, he should love you enough to help you fulfill your dreams.

 

[Fmr1833]

Okay, so much to say here. First of all, some criticisms of someone I've never met. A 37 yr-old man dating a 21 yr-old is a bit odd. I say that because I've seen it and it is always a disaster. You won't believe me because you are in love, etc. But I'm right, trust me.
Secondly, a 37 yr old with that kind of insecurity is inherently a bad situation.
Was he Enlisted or Officer? That has some bearing on his perspective of "everyone" cheating. Everyone does NOT cheat on their significant other. Frankly, that is the most unintelligent thing that he could say to you. Clearly he does not trust you and is setting you up to fail so that he can be the smart one who called it. Very controlling behavior, but classic for this type of situation, just ask a psychologist, which is, by the way, what I have done in the past when a 21 yr old newly commissioned Ensign showed up here at P-cola while her 36 yr-old husband gave her sh!t until she broke and DOR'ed from the program, got kicked out of the Navy, and is now selling insurance in San Diego while her husband continued to pursue his dream job.
Also, I've been married for about four years now and don't recall calling my wife's career decisions "dumb". I may be old fashioned but being supportive is the key to a happy marraige, not belittling. The fact that he is ignoring that this is something you really want to do shows that he fears you will be the more successful one and he is unhappy with that decision.
Want my real advice? Stop wasting your time with someone who is engaged some one young enough to be his daughter who tells her that she will cheat on him (because, apparently she won't be able to help it? Does he think you're stupid or a child?) and who will probably become the reason that you either give up on a dream at a time when you should be pursuing them or will be a constant source of unhappiness until something gives.
Dane Cook has a great joke about staying in relationships after they are clearly not working. "I really hate him so I think I'll stick around for 4 or 5 more years and then we'll end this thing violently!"
Hope this helps. Good luck.

 

[BigIron]

This lifestyle requires 100% support from the spouse. It's about more than the 12 weeks of OCS. It's the moves, deployments, studying, overnight watches in some cases. All of it. I don't know what the current commitment is for a commission, but I am thinking it is 4 or 5 years. Also, if you go aviation and are successful, plan on staying around 10 years.

So, I can't tell you how to deal with your fiance. He's been in the Army and has seen how some facets of military life are. I can only let you know what to expect somewhat, and more importantly, what the Navy will expect out of you.

 

[Schnugg]

I too, see the 37/21 thing as a big concern...I would recommend "taking care of that" first and then following your dream...or it will drag you down.


Also need to rename this post to "Dealing with a reluctant boyfriend."

 

[supplywife]

Not sure if it will help, but here is my two cents....Being a spouse of a Navy officer is a full time, difficult job, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My husband has always wanted to be where he is today and I knew that comming into my marriage (we married in college, but he was already in BDCP program). If you ask me, there is a decision to be made on his part. He can either 1) tough it out and support you while you follow your dream or 2) hit the road. I know that sounds crazy, but you can't let him stop you from what you have dreamed of for so long. I can see where he has some concerns with the moving, and deployments, but the cheating idea is rediculous, that is his own ideas (and possibly past military experience) talking. I didn't really realize I ws going to get on such a soapbox here, but if he doesn't trust you , is he really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I guess my recommendation would be to sit down clear the air between you two and then determine what is best for the both of you. Good luck!!

 

[Cordespc]

I can't touch on your relationship with your guy since I have no frame of reference, but I can say that the spouse is a huge part of what makes us successful or unsuccessful in the military. Most of the highly successful Marines and Sailors I know share a common link in the fact they have extremely supportive spouses who contribute to their achievements. Similarly, a lot of people who tend to be mediocre, unsuccessful, or problematic have spouses who are clingy, unsupportive, or resentful.

This rule applies to both male and female servicemembers universally. When I was enlisted, I knew a female Sailor who was intent on getting out, spending more time with the kids, finding another job, etc. She was actually talked into reenlisting by her husband who stepped up his help with the kids/domestic duties and the like to enable her to excel. She ended up making CPO in 8 years or something crazy like that.

My wife has been nothing but supportive of me in all my endeavors in the miitary since I've known her. If she hadn't been, I wouldn't have married her. I guess that's what it comes down to.

Rgds/ Paul

 

[RockyMtnNFO]

My fiance and I are set to get married in January after I graduate from college in December. I've decided to apply to OCS and he's not happy with my decision at all. His main concern is that I'm going to "unintentionally cheat" on him because "everyone in the military cheats on their significant other." ummm...I highly doubt that 100% true. He said that he supports my decision but thinks that it's a "dumb idea" that I've made on a whim. He ingnores the fact that I've wanted to be in the military since my brother came back from the Marines years ago. He's 37 and I'm 21, which obviously is playing into his insecurities.

I want his help on my application and just be able to talk to him about military life since he was in the Army. OCS is my dream and if I'm accepted the benefits for us will be great. He's not seeing this. Has anyone else had this problem? I just want to know that it's not a bad thing for wanting to persue a dream....

Thanks everyone.

Wow,

You are 21 and ready to takeon the world. He is 37 and I have only myself at a close age to compare with. Is he previously married? Does he have any serious hobbies? I am 34 and just a little bit crusty but I could get crustier. I'll bet that I could get a young girl interested in me just on experience, charm and a little spending cash; she would probably have no idea how set in my ways I was before it was too late. (I am lucky I am already married) Yes, I am making assumptions and gross generalizations but I have one thing to say. RUN!!

I don't know if I can say this without being condescending, but you just don't know how a big a deal this age difference is, not to mention his lack of support for your dreams and goals.

 

[Brett327]

You guys are all killing MY dreams!

Brett

 

[KSUFLY]

That's really tough when he's already doubting you and you haven't even been accepted...all you said is that you wanted to apply. How long have you been together and under what circumstances. Sometimes age can look worse on paper until you meet the two people. Remember...they're only numbers.

 

[TheBubba]

Bottom line... don't let the guy ruin your life. You're not married yet.

I can honestly say that when you have a family that supports you, military life becomes easier. I'm seein' this from both sides of the fence... coming from a military family, and now in the military and recently married.

As echoed above, the Navy (or any branch) is a lifestyle... not just a job... even as a student. If you want do join the Navy, apply and maybe we'll see you out there someday. If you're even thinking about joining, apply and maybe we'll see you out there.

I'm also a little concerned about the age gap there... 16 years... that's a little much IMHO, but I don't know your circumstances.

Best of luck to you, put in your application.

Cheers,
Bubba

 

[HighDimension]

Well, with respect to the age gap I'm going to have to disagree with everyone else and say that its not a big deal. You probably will ask "Why do you have any reason to talk about this HD, you're young and insignificant." Perhaps, but my parents are 16 yrs apart and just happened to celebrate their 23rd anniversary. So the age difference is only a problem if you let it be. For goodness sakes look at Hugh Heffner, hes got like 60 years on his women but you don't chastise him! With that said, the insecurity will probably doom the relationship so try to get him over that. This post should be moved to a Doctor Phil forum =)

 

[NavyLonghorn]

Well, with respect to the age gap I'm going to have to disagree with everyone else and say that its not a big deal. You probably will ask "Why do you have any reason to talk about this HD, you're young and insignificant." Perhaps, but my parents are 16 yrs apart and just happened to celebrate their 23rd anniversary. So the age difference is only a problem if you let it be. For goodness sakes look at Hugh Heffner, hes got like 60 years on his women but you don't chastise him! With that said, the insecurity will probably doom the relationship so try to get him over that. This post should be moved to a Doctor Phil forum =)

Hef has a wife his age. The triplets are just for fun.

 

[crysmc]

His wife is not his age, she's much younger. You do realize that Hef is 80, right? His wife is in her 40's. And the three girls aren't triplets... Hey, I know all of this because I watch The Girls Next Door on E!

 

[NavyLonghorn]

His wife is not his age, she's much younger. You do realize that Hef is 80, right? His wife is in her 40's. And the three girls aren't triplets... Hey, I know all of this because I watch The Girls Next Door on E!

Haha. Glad you are keeping up on Hef.