Zach, I'm fairly new at this myself and haven't read many of these, but I think the intro to yours and the segment on working in the ER are very good. I also think you've sorta gone the same direction as I have in your last paragraph. I try to make a point that I have many options in the civilian world, but the choice to go into the Navy stems from a desire to serve my country, and I'm not just reaching out for someway to start a career. Also, I noticed you have "The Navy" in there with a capital T, I address the Navy as the "United States Navy" in mine. Not that there would be any confusion, but the more formal verbage seems to imply more respect, at least in my mind. Does that make sense to anybody else?
Mine is below, in its most raw form. I've got a bit tired of reading it/changing it, so I'm taking a break and letting somebody else review it before I revist it. I do, however, think I'll rewrite the last two paragraphs as if I've finished my MSME, considering that it'll be completed within the next month. If there's any comments along the lines of grammar/format/content I'm all ears and any advice is appreciated. Thanks!
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The decision to serve in the Armed Forces was made well over eight years ago, and although it has been concrete throughout those eight years, going about it has been a constantly evolving plan. As a member of an Army JROTC program in high school, interest began to grow in a career and the Armed Forces, and very soon I found myself considering many different avenues of pursing this career. The idea of serving in the Armed Forces intrigued me for several reasons, but most importantly I was after the opportunity to give back to my country and the adventure associated with it.
Nearing the end of high school, strong academics and a desire to take my education further encouraged the idea of seeking an Officer commission. During this time a Navy ROTC scholarship was considered but not pursued due to a competitive scholarship to a well reputed engineering college that did not have a ROTC program. Although this was clearly a missed opportunity, there is no doubt that path chosen was a rewarding one as well.
Throughout college, the idea of serving in the Armed Forces did not subside, but instead grew. In the civilian workplace I was given ample opportunity to test and develop my technical and leadership abilities, but I still felt that I could do much more if given the chance to use these abilities in the Armed Forces. Once entering the Master’s program at the University of Pittsburgh, I began researching what careers in the Armed Forces would allow me to utilize my education and experience, and the Navy undoubtedly presented the greatest opportunities in the engineering field.
Since completing my undergraduate education and entering the engineering field as a full time professional, I have done well and been quite successful for an individual of my age, and with the addition of an advanced degree this fall and testing for my Professional Engineering license next year, I feel that in the civilian sector it is likely that I will only continue to succeed. Granting all this, I still feel the opportunity to serve my country in the United States Navy would prove to be a much more rewarding path that would allow me to fulfill my obligation to the country which has given me so many opportunities and freedoms.
Now nearing graduation, I feel prepared to do what I’d been considering for a long time. The decision is made to serve my country in the United States Navy. Serving in the United States Navy offers the adventure I’ve been seeking since high school but utilizes my strong engineering and leadership background and develops it further. This combined with the opportunity to serve my country, like most of my family and friends have before me, compels me to seek a Navy Officer commission where I aim to do my best to serve my country and spread freedom and democracy around the world.
