Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[GoVols1998]

Hey Lucy, could you PM me your email address? I'm currently not seasoned enough to handle the responsibilities of PM'ing people.

 

[Lucy]

Sorry I don't give out email. M26 might. Otherwise can wait day or two until you hit 10. Or just post here.

 

[JMonte85]

Ok guys have mine to critique... Hope it doesn't need too much correcting. Thanks!


I believe superior leadership qualities are attained from following and learning from others. Having been a prior enlisted member of the United State Air Force, I have experienced and adapted well to stressful environments and following orders from superior leaders. I aspire to become a United States Naval Officer first and fulfill my passion for flying second.

All my life I’ve had a passion for flight. Having the opportunity to have been an F16 Crewchief, has furthered my passion to military aviation. Given the opportunity, I had volunteered to leave active duty Air Force, to attend college and then pursue a career in the military as an officer. I had chosen the U.S. Navy because although I was honored to have served my country through the U.S. Air Force, I feel having the opportunity to serve on land and in the water will be a more rewarding, exciting, and challenging career.

What I can offer the U.S. Navy is my Leadership skills, dedication, and desire to help others. My experiences with leadership roles are: Supervisor, Airman Leader, and Community Advisor. As supervisor, I lead a small team in the stockroom of the retail store, Toysrus, with rigorous and demanding deadlines to meet. As an Airman Leader, I marched Airmen flights to and from class, conducted open ranks, and lead squadron physical training days. While being a Community Advisor for 2 years at Northern Illinois University, I was in charge of 30 plus students living on one floor. I enforced University policies, held monthly meetings, and was responsible for the health and wellness of all students.

Having had a couple bad semesters early on in college, I evaluated what I was doing wrong, made changes, learned from my mistakes, and was able to turn a negative quickly into a positive. Choosing a major I really enjoyed and excelled in academically.

I really enjoyed my time as a member of the United States military. The military has really changed my life for the better. I feel it’s time I give back and inspire other enlisted members as I was inspired. I hope the U.S. Navy to further excel my leadership skills, give me an opportunity to be a leader/Naval Aviator, and the privilege to again, proudly serve my country honorably, amongst the greatest aviators, officers, and enlisted members in the world.

 

[m26]

Having the opportunity to have been an F16 Crewchief, has furthered my passion to military aviation.

Well, first things first. Go back through your statement and count the number of times you used "have," "had," "has," or any variation thereof. Take that number, divide by 2, and revise your statement until that is the new number of usages.



There are a lot of problems with the writing, the most noticeable of which I have pointed out. More accurately, your tenses are all over the place. I have some spelling/grammar/word use gripes that hopefully will be gone on a second draft.

My main problem is that it's so bullet pointy. You have:

1) Something about leadership/statement of purpose
2) Aspiration to flight
3) Here's what I offer
4) Addendum
5) Military/closing

There's little in the way of transitions, and two vital sections, intro and closing, are both half-baked.

 

[JMonte85]

Ok im gonna tear this beast apart and re-write it .. and repost it.

 

[GoVols1998]

m26, would you be willing to check mine over if I PMed it to you?

 

[m26]

Sure

 

[m26]

Also, the format has changed, and the 400 word limit is no longer applicable, as of now. The new formatted application has a limit of about 1,200 words. Thanks.

Anyone have a link to this, or a NAVADMIN or any type of confirmation really?

I'm assuming this means that there is a new application, and that it has a statement section with a 1200w limit, not that the application now can hold 1200 words but is still written the same way.

I genuinely feel bad for the officers on these boards if their reading load just tripled.

Anyway, a 1200w statement is written VASTLY differently from a 400w one, so be prepared for contradictory advice until this is sorted out.

 

[Lucy]

From what I have seen, you have the "available space" which is suppose to be able to hold appox. 1200 words. However, I have not had this new form on my computer so I cannot testify whether that is accurate or not. And yes, talk about a way to have the boards take longer, and have to work through more dribble. Likely to equate to more life story versus information that is actually helpful. *sigh*

It'll give you(m26) more to do than all the memorization stuff now won't it? :-D

Sidenote-essay once that I had to do in which I thought it had a 10,000 word limit, 8 pages later found out it had a 10,000 character limit. Talk about some serious editing!

 

[m26]

And yes, talk about a way to have the boards take longer, and have to work through more dribble. Likely to equate to more life story versus information that is actually helpful. *sigh*

Nine times out of ten, using more words doesn't mean you have more to say, it just means you aren't saying it well.

 

[marmoset54]

Sidenote-essay once that I had to do in which I thought it had a 10,000 word limit, 8 pages later found out it had a 10,000 character limit. Talk about some serious editing

 

[Lucy]

m26- Exactly. A 400 word will often say more than a 1000 word could.

Marmoset54- Ya, it was craziness. 10 page outline, 8 done, then having to get something just as impactful into a page and half. HA!

 

[JMonte85]

M26, I totally rewrote it. I'm just having it looked at for grammar errors by a few. Can you take a look at the final draft when I'm finished? I would rather private message it to you but it appears I don't have enough posts to private message someone yet. Can you private message me your email? Or private message me something.. so I can reply, I think that may work as well.

I'd appreciate it a lot. This one is probably about 100x better than the original. Took me a long while to write.

 

[m26]

You should have enough posts now... give it a try.

 

[JFB]

Hi all. Would those in the know please critique my motivational statement? I've seen lots of good advice here and I'm hoping to get some, too. I feel like I've mentioned myself too many times, but it seems as though that's part of it (I hate talking about myself). Anyway, here it is:

Most people wake up in the morning dreading the day ahead: sitting in traffic, sitting at a desk, sitting in traffic again, and doing the same thing five days a week, only to get a reprieve two days a week. A job is a job and most people don't think too much about it - it is just something that needs to be done to pay the bills. The navy, on the other hand, is the antithesis to the boring desk job. A naval officer wakes up every morning feeling pride about what he or she does, knowing what he or she does makes a difference. It is this that makes it so desirable to become a naval officer.

The navy has so much to offer sailors, such as great educational opportunities and instilling invaluable leadership among all who join, that I can only hope I can reciprocate by offering the navy my abilities. I consider myself a loyal and dependable person. At my job, I was punctual and always present while pursuing a degree in business management; I took the job seriously and did it to the best of my ability. I worked until my responsibilities were met and always considered how my presence helped to keep the dealership running smoothly. My attendance and reliability were fueled by knowing that others depended on me and I did not want to let down my coworkers. I was not in a leadership position, but I prided myself in fulfilling my duties and orders to the satisfaction of my superiors. Time allocation and prioritization of duties played a large part in my daily routine, and learning how to best utilize my time made me into an efficient employee.

I am willing and eager to learn all that I can. I believe I am intelligent, but I know what I don’t know and will always strive to learn more. Mistakes are a part of life, and instead of spurning them, I embrace them and ensure that mistakes made are a learning experience, never to be repeated again.

Teamwork is an integral part of any successful operation, whether in the military, the private sector, or in sports. Having played organized team sports, such as baseball, bowling, basketball, and soccer for most of my life, I know what it takes to work as a team and to be a good teammate. I have never quit when challenged, and I know that Officer Candidate School would be the most challenging thing I’ve ever done. If accepted, I would meet that challenge and use every asset I have to successfully complete OCS.

Becoming a naval officer would open up a world of opportunities to better myself while at the same time contributing to the betterment of the United States Navy and fulfilling my duty as a proud American. To serve among over 330,000 other sailors to preserve the republic by defending against threats domestic and abroad would be a distinguished honor. I’ve had a lifelong admiration for the military and a desire to ultimately serve. I went to college and my interest in serving my country was intensified. I didn’t want to do what everyone else was doing – I wanted to do something special; something of which I could be proud. As an officer in the navy I will contribute to the best of my abilities and always serve with honor and dignity. I feel everyone has a duty to serve his or her country, and I hope I can do my part as a naval officer.

Thank you in advance!