Improving My OCS Package

[NavyIS2]

Age: 25
Service: 4 years active duty
Occupation: IS2 (AW) (made in under 2 years)
Education: BS Business Management 3.87 GPA . 6 Credit hours towards a Masters in Strategic Intelligence 3.75 GPA. IS "A" School 92.1 GPA (3rd). IS "C" School 95 GPA (3rd)
ASTB: 48, 4 4 4
LOR's: Intel GG-15, Intel GG-14, Intel 1 Star General (Army retired), Pilot 0-4 (My divo), Major (Army and family friend), Lawyer 0-6.
Interviews: three Intel 0-3's (10's), one Intel 0-4 (10's).
One 0-6 Intel inteview scheduled in next couple of weeks.
CO Interview scheduled after this.
Applying for: Intel and IW
Evals: MP's and EP's all well above summary group average.
PFA: 100 - OUTSTANDING HIGH
Collateral Duties: Assistant Squadron Duty Officer. Anti-terrorism Force Protection Officer. Assistant Tactical Publications Librarian. Command Fitness Leader. Intel LPO. CPR Instructor.
Volunteer: over 160 hours in 4 years

My motivational statement needs some work. On the form it says between 200-250, can I go over? Any help will be greatly appreciated I'm open to constructive criticism, if it sucks please tell me.

I am ready for the responsibility that comes with a commission! The opportunity to serve as an Intelligence Officer will provide me with the opportunity to save lives overseas and at home. My cousin, Captain Christopher J. Adams, was killed in the Khobar Towers bombings. Walter Travers, a stock trader and my second cousin, was killed in the second World Trade Center attacks.


While my life-long ambition has always been to be a Naval Officer, these events have driven me to seek a commission as an Intelligence Officer. Prior to my enlistment as an Intelligence Specialist, I did not have the grades to become an officer. I hope that completing 54 credit hours and improving my GPA to a 3.87 while on active duty has proven my dedication towards becoming an officer.


My immediate goal after becoming an Intelligence Officer is to continue to fight the GWOT, and build on my intelligence background by finishing my Masters degree in Strategic Intelligence. My ultimate goal is to be a Commanding Officer at an intelligence command and build effective leaders as I advance through the ranks. Additionally, I am prepared to accept any assignment the Navy offers to me.


I have all of the necessary skills required to be an effective Intelligence Officer. From November through December 2007 I performed my duties as Intelligence LPO and acted as the squadron Intel officer for a P-3 squadron and a reserve squadron! Additionally, my hard work resulted in the selection for Junior Sailor of the Quarter (spring 2008) and runner up for Intelligence Specialist of the year for the entire MPRA community! I have the experience, leadership and drive that the Navy is looking for. I am ready for this new challenge!

 

[usmarinemike]

Your numbers are the real deal...except for your ASTB/OAR, but you're not trying to be a pilot. All th other numbers are really strong. I know nothing about moto statements though.

 

[bluesig1]

I may be wrong, but I thought the motivational statement could be up to 400 words?

 

[NavyIS2]

I may be wrong, but I thought the motivational statement could be up to 400 words?

I'd really like to know the answer to this. The civilian application is up to 400 words; however, the enlisted one says "keep each section between 200-250 words." I've been looking at packages from people who were selected (prior E). There statements were over 250. I just want to make sure, as it's an indicator of paying attention to detail.

In terms of my ASTB score. I'd rather not get lower if I take it again. I've never taken any physics and I think that hurt me OAR. That and the slow as hell computer I took it on. Seriously 5 second wait in between questions (but the clock keeps going). No excuses though for me. I'd rather not retake it unless there is no way I have a shot with that score. Min for intel is 45.

 

[LazersGoPEWPEW]

I'm not sure my recruiter wasn't bsing me but she told me that if I wanted to go intel my scores needed to be higher than if I wanted to go SNA SNFO. I scored 6 6 6 50. I'd ask because I'm not sure if that's bs.

 

[Twitterpate03]

I just submitted my package on Friday.

REF: Application for Commission....Form NAVCRUIT 1131/2

says....." utilizing the space provided, in 400 words or less, state why you are seeking a commission."

 

[NavyIS2]

I just submitted my package on Friday.

REF: Application for Commission....Form NAVCRUIT 1131/2

says....." utilizing the space provided, in 400 words or less, state why you are seeking a commission."

Well I think I have to go by OPNAVINST 1420.1A because I'm enlisted.

Yes Intel is very competitive, if you don't have exp you need a very high OAR.

 

[Twitterpate03]

I too am enlisted.

PS3

 

[bb1125]

Well I think I have to go by OPNAVINST 1420.1A because I'm enlisted.

You are correct. Active Duty follow the 1420.

 

[utak]

I don't know if this has been highlighted, but would there be any misperceptions if the writer gives lots of "!!!!!" on his statement. It's good to show the board that you are enthusiastic and sincere, but would too much be a bad thing?

I was just asking because there was an example motivational statement in the archives where the OCS applicant wrote "This is where I belong!" on his statement and the board came to the conclusion that he belonged in the non-select category.

 

[NavyIS2]

I don't know if this has been highlighted, but would there be any misperceptions if the writer gives lots of "!!!!!" on his statement. It's good to show the board that you are enthusiastic and sincere, but would too much be a bad thing?

I was just asking because there was an example motivational statement in the archives where the OCS applicant wrote "This is where I belong!" on his statement and the board came to the conclusion that he belonged in the non-select category.

Nick thanks for the suggestion. I will be sure to leave out a couple of !
Any other suggestions guys?

 

[Krauthammer]

Edit suggestions for NavyIS2

Hey NavyIS2,

Can't comment on the other things (although as far as I know they look great), but a few suggestions for your motivation statement. FYI, I'm a writing tutor and help a lot of folks on personal statements, but take any advice (my own esp.) with a grain of salt--you have to own this baby. Best of luck man.
---------------------

-Avoid using descriptive words twice, esp. in the same sentence. You've got a pretty strict limit at 250, so try and replace 'opportunity' and any other doubles with informative and specific synonyms.

-Don't confess every weakness. Phrase things like, "I did not have the grades" more positively; build a narrative about how your time in the enlisted ranks has been a force for discipline, and how you strove to improve your academics. Then you can brag about your GPA instead of offering it as an apology.

-Emphasize and detail your immediate and intermediary goals more than long-term. The board knows you have a sense of what to expect in the next few years, but certainty in the long-term is harder to argue. Again, use specific and informative details in as few words as possible.

-Think of this as a mini-essay, and lay out an argument accordingly. Currently your paragraphs say the following:
I. Intro, broad statement of purpose
II. Academic Qualifications
III. Immediate and Long-Term Goals
IV. Professional Qualifications, Awards and Conclusion

You may want to move these parts around to more clearly lay out your case. One example:

I. Intro - detailed but concise statement of purpose (e.g. answer 'why I want a commission' with both passion and precision)
II. Qualifications - Academic, Professional, Awards
III. Immediate and long-term goals (as specific as possible); Conclusion
--------------------------------------

Generally I recommend people think first of their audience--who they are, what they need to know and what they want to hear (think word choice, tone and style). Then, identify the details you want to communicate about yourself; reading your statement, your academic accomplishments, professional work and awards, and personal motivation stand out to me the most. As always, if there's anything else you need to add, or if you want to add detail to those things, consider structuring your statement and re-writing to lay out everything clearly.

Lastly, you've only got 250 words, so make every paragraph, every sentence, and every word count. Good writing is a process, and there's no such thing as a perfect--write and re-write until you feel you say everything you want in a satisfactory manner.

Again, good luck buddy!

 

[NavyIS2]

Hey NavyIS2,

Can't comment on the other things (although as far as I know they look great), but a few suggestions for your motivation statement. FYI, I'm a writing tutor and help a lot of folks on personal statements, but take any advice (my own esp.) with a grain of salt--you have to own this baby. Best of luck man.
---------------------

-Avoid using descriptive words twice, esp. in the same sentence. You've got a pretty strict limit at 250, so try and replace 'opportunity' and any other doubles with informative and specific synonyms.

-Don't confess every weakness. Phrase things like, "I did not have the grades" more positively; build a narrative about how your time in the enlisted ranks has been a force for discipline, and how you strove to improve your academics. Then you can brag about your GPA instead of offering it as an apology.

-Emphasize and detail your immediate and intermediary goals more than long-term. The board knows you have a sense of what to expect in the next few years, but certainty in the long-term is harder to argue. Again, use specific and informative details in as few words as possible.

-Think of this as a mini-essay, and lay out an argument accordingly. Currently your paragraphs say the following:
I. Intro, broad statement of purpose
II. Academic Qualifications
III. Immediate and Long-Term Goals
IV. Professional Qualifications, Awards and Conclusion

You may want to move these parts around to more clearly lay out your case. One example:

I. Intro - detailed but concise statement of purpose (e.g. answer 'why I want a commission' with both passion and precision)
II. Qualifications - Academic, Professional, Awards
III. Immediate and long-term goals (as specific as possible); Conclusion
--------------------------------------

Generally I recommend people think first of their audience--who they are, what they need to know and what they want to hear (think word choice, tone and style). Then, identify the details you want to communicate about yourself; reading your statement, your academic accomplishments, professional work and awards, and personal motivation stand out to me the most. As always, if there's anything else you need to add, or if you want to add detail to those things, consider structuring your statement and re-writing to lay out everything clearly.

Lastly, you've only got 250 words, so make every paragraph, every sentence, and every word count. Good writing is a process, and there's no such thing as a perfect--write and re-write until you feel you say everything you want in a satisfactory manner.

Again, good luck buddy!

Hey Thanks for the advice, this really helps.

 

[RockyMtnNFO]

I am ready for the responsibility that comes with a commission! (Lose the exclamation mark)The opportunity to serve as an Intelligence Officer will provide me with the opportunity to save lives overseas and at home. My cousin, Captain Christopher J. Adams, was killed in the Khobar Towers bombings. Walter Travers, a stock trader and my second cousin, was killed in the second World Trade Center attacks. (You need something in here to tie in the loss of your family members. Right now it's just hanging out there. Try something like, "I know I can make a difference and prevent the same thing happening again. )


While my life-long ambition has always been to be a Naval Officer, these events have driven me to seek a commission as an Intelligence Officer. Prior to my enlistment as an Intelligence Specialist, I did not have the grades to become an officer. I hope (Nix hope and put "believe") that completing 54 credit hours and improving my GPA to a 3.87 while on active duty has proven my (add "ability and" here)dedication towards becoming an officer.


My immediate goal after becoming an Intelligence Officer is to continue to fight the GWOT, and build on my intelligence background by finishing my Masters degree in Strategic Intelligence. My ultimate goal is to be a Commanding Officer at an intelligence command and build effective leaders as I advance through the ranks. (I am, however,)prepared to accept any assignment the Navy offers to me.


I have all of the necessary skills required to be an effective Intelligence Officer. From November through December 2007 I performed my duties as Intelligence LPO and acted as the squadron Intel officer for a P-3 squadron and a reserve squadron(!) NO Additionally, my hard work resulted in the selection for Junior Sailor of the Quarter (spring 2008) and runner up for Intelligence Specialist of the year for the entire MPRA community(!) I have the experience, leadership and drive that the Navy is looking for. I am ready for this (get rid of "new" new) challenge!

Krauthammer has great advice. Intel, more than other communities, requires outstanding communicatin skills. I gave a few tips here, but you should probably start over with a clear beginning, middle, and ending and a specific idea for each paragraph: experience, education desire, family etc.

Practic the ASTB and take it again.


EXCLAMATION MARKS DO NOT BELONG IN A MOTIVATIONAL STATEMENT OR NEARLY ANY FORMAL WRITING FOR THAT MATTER.

R/

Steve

 

[NavyIS2]

Krauthammer has great advice. Intel, more than other communities, requires outstanding communicatin skills. I gave a few tips here, but you should probably start over with a clear beginning, middle, and ending and a specific idea for each paragraph: experience, education desire, family etc.

Practic the ASTB and take it again.


EXCLAMATION MARKS DO NOT BELONG IN A MOTIVATIONAL STATEMENT OR NEARLY ANY FORMAL WRITING FOR THAT MATTER.

R/

Steve

Sir, thank you for the tips. I have revised the statement to flow better based on the recommendations provided. I appreciate everyones help.

V/r

IS2