What do I tell her?

[Killer2]

I am engaged, and told my soon to be wife that instead of her trying to find work in Va for the 6 months I will be there to just wait till I get to P'cola. But then I hear a lot of folks on here say how hard it is to have a wife during flight school. Honestly besides knowing I am doing TBS and 2 yrs (+/-) in flight school at P'cola. I am not sure what to tell her. I tell her I don't know what to expect other than what is told to me. I don't have a crystal ball, and try not to blow smoke and paint a pretty picture. I tell her the truth but I just don't know enought to help her understand exactly what this is. Any ideas ?

 

[sgtdube]

I would also let anyone know to visit www.OfficerFamilies.com for a great site on the life...
Sgt Dube

 

[KBayDog]

I am engaged, and told my soon to be wife that instead of her trying to find work in Va for the 6 months I will be there to just wait till I get to P'cola. But then I hear a lot of folks on here say how hard it is to have a wife during flight school. Honestly besides knowing I am doing TBS and 2 yrs (+/-) in flight school at P'cola. I am not sure what to tell her. I tell her I don't know what to expect other than what is told to me. I don't have a crystal ball, and try not to blow smoke and paint a pretty picture. I tell her the truth but I just don't know enought to help her understand exactly what this is. Any ideas ?

Having my wife here (and TBS) has been the greatest blessing. Rather than be a hindrance, she motivates me to do better. I am confident that I would not be doing as well as I am without her love and support.

For starters, she's a solid foundation to come home to every day. Through the best days and the worst days, she's always there for me.

She motivates me to study. Aside from barking at me to hit the books (and get off of AirWarriors), I find that I have to be more focused in my studies in order to be able to allocate time for her. Thus, my studying is no-nonsense.

With her here, there aren't many nights at the bars. I don't know if it would be the same if I was single/geo-bachelor. The temptation might be too great.

She does all of the little things that I would not have time to do around the house.

Finally, and most importantly, being married (after 7.5 years of single military life), my priorities have shifted immensely. I am no longer in this program for myself and my Marines. I am also in it for her. If I screw this up, not only is what I have worked for down the tubes, but our lives will be changed forever. Suddenly, what they preached at TBS has a whole new meaning: It's not about me.

Anyway, enough preaching. At TBS, my wife worked for those few months (making more than me, of course), and now she's doing the grad school thing (becoming more edumicated than me, of course).

 

[bennett4362]

i really recommend this book

http://www.airwarriors.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10552

(if you haven't figured it out already )

 

[RevnR6]

Sorry to bring the post up again, but about how much time do you get to see your wife during OCS and TBS? My fiancee is wondering how much I will be able to see her during these times if I am selected SNA for the Marine Corps. Do you get weekends off in TBS? Evenings at all? How much time. Obviously its no picnic but will there be ANY weekends off?

 

[KBayDog]

OCS, just the liberty weekends (after Week 3).

TBS - if she comes to Quantico with you, you will see her just about every night. (You won't live in the BOQ). Unless you are in the field, you can go home almost every night. The mornings are early and the days are long, but you'll see a lot of each other.

TIP: ENSURE that you make time for each other, even if it's something simple like going for a walk every night or having breakfast together on Sunday. TBS is hard on the lieutenants, but due to its flex schedule and long hours, it is just as hard on the spouses who feel out of the loop. Keep her informed, tell her about your day, and you'll be good to go.

 

[kj11]

your situation sounds so very similar to my husband and I. When my boyfriend at the time told me he had always wanted to be a Marine and a pilot my jaw about hit the floor. How do you meet someone at a bar in a ski town, fall in love and then end up a military wife. (still figuring that out myself tee hee) We had to have all those conversations it sounds like you guys are having now. Neither one of our immediate family members were in the military and he was doing well in his job here and I own a business. We had to start from square one with the talking, marriage, children, careers, etc. He is now in TBS and I still live where we were until flight school. It's been a facinating road and we have grown so much already in our relationship with a lot of good work. Every relationship is different, but I definitely have learned enough so far to offer her up some endless support and maybe some good advice. If you want it to work, it will. Plain and simple. It won't be easy but I really think that leads to a unique bond!!
Good luck. You guys will do fine.. WE use a lot of humor!!!!

 

[HOORAH]

TIP: ENSURE that you make time for each other, even if it's something simple like going for a walk every night or having breakfast together on Sunday. TBS is hard on the lieutenants, but due to its flex schedule and long hours, it is just as hard on the spouses who feel out of the loop. Keep her informed, tell her about your day, and you'll be good to go.

Thank you, Kbay! (You are always saying what I am going to say first!)

Granted I'm a gf/fiance of a marine and also in the service, I'm not currently active duty like he is and I'm the one that is planning on going to law school and becoming an officer/JAG in the Corps and going active too. My biggest concern is letting both of our careers suffer for this decision when we get married. He is not one to let that happen being obsessed with making promotions and making sure everyone around him does too and as a former JAG told me from that statement, prepare to live apart. Both of our jobs are very demanding and we both work long, weird hours. For the last 2 months he has worked every weekend most 0600 until at least 2000, once until 2300, plus most week nights until about 2130. We also currently live an hour apart! That does not make for a large quantity of time spent together. He spent all winter at Staff NCO Academy at Lejuene, 12 hours away from me and goes TAD just about every month for some sort of class here or there (He's going to New Orleans next week as a matter of fact). He also put in his package for WO and if he gets that promotion will be gone next winter for 6 months. The savior in our relationship is a joint cell phone account. We can talk as much as we want and not use minutes. That is our quantity time. When we actually get to see each other not a lot of talking is done.

Life in the military is HARD to say the very least, everyone knows that though. I have found that some of the best wives of military men are the ones that are interested in the military themselves (I don't mean by joining, just intrigued and willing to learn), active themselves in the spouses clubs, and independent. The last is the big one. Spuses get a lot of time to themselves. If you are a leech it's not going to work. She can't rag on you for not being around and she has to support you. I suggest to anyone new to the military to not get married to someone until you both know what you are getting yourselves into. Be as honest as you can and like someone else said don't say what you think she wants to hear. It will only culminate into a much worse situation later. It takes a different kind of woman to be a military wife. Not everyone is cut out to do it and she needs to really think about whether she is that type or not.

 

[Kolja]

I'm going to OCS (PLC-C) this June and lately my girlfriend and I have been having many conversations about marriage and life in the military. She has a lot of questions about military lifestyle and also has a lot of misconceptions, IMO. Ive been searching the site for the past few days trying to find pertinent info. Ive found alot of useful info but still not exactly what I'm looking for. Everyone keeps saying to be very honest with her about the way things will be, which i'm doing, but I really don't know a whole lot. I know some of the time frames such as TBS and flight school to an extent but still don't really know all that much. What can I tell her to expect? Her major concern seems to be the time we would spend apart as well as raising children with all the moving. I plan on talking to one of the Captains at my OSO who just started a few weeks ago who is a 46 pilot. I also thought it would be a good idea for her to talk with him as well. Any info is greatly appreciated.
God has really pressed these verses on my heart after writing this:
James 1:2-4, 1:12

My $.02, wait. Wait till you're in, she can see the kinds of demands placed upon you and what she'll have to put up with. Even if you DID know right now, and could tell her EXACTLY what it would be like, to be completely fair to the both of you she should SEE it before deciding. My then fiance was convinced she could put up with long hours and deployments.... we were separated by the time I finished flight school and I got served with divorce papers before finishing the RAG.

Not intentionally being a prophet of doom, just suggesting that it's fairest to the both of you if you both get a chance to SEE what things will be like before legally obliging yourselves to each other.

 

[st1977]

When my now-husband went to OCS, we had been dating for a year. I had my doubts about life in the military and whether it was what I really wanted... now, I lOVE living the military life! My husband and I got engaged at the end of OCS and got married between IFS and API. I moved to Pensacola just before he started Primary. There are times when it is hard because there is a lot of studying involved in training, but there are also wonderful times. It is exciting to hear about my husband's day when he comes home - so much more interesting than if he had a regular office job... not to mention that nothing beats seeing the smile on his face when we go to an air show!

I don't think having a wife by your side will make flight school any more stressful - however I do agree with Kolja. You may want to wait and have both you and her experience what it is like to be in the military to see if this is what you both want. It all depends on how supportive and understanding of your career your wife is. Training is hectic and demanding, but my husband definitely found time to study and time to hang out with me. I did have a demanding job myself, which maybe helped us out because I was busy on my end too. Keep in mind your wife will never be on her own - even when you're studying there will always be a group of wives that will want to get together.
See if she is supportive of your career and what it entails, and how she feels about the military. I don't see my life in the military as a sacrifice. Maybe a compromise, but definitely not a sacrifice. One can make a sacrifice out of love for a while, but I don't think one can (or should) make a sacrifice for 10 years or however long you will be in the military, so you want to make sure she is okay with what your job will be and how it will affect her.

Being a military spouse is what you make of it. You can look at the frequent relocations as a pain, or you can look at them as exciting events that allow you to see a lot of different places. It's a different lifestyle but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Be upfront and realistic with your fiancee/wife, share details of what you will be doing - long before going to OCS, my husband spent hours going over the different steps of flight training with me. He explained to me what he knew about each step and what the possible locations would be. He never said things would be easy - he gave me all the facts he knew of, and let me make up my mind on what I wanted.

The Spouses Corner is definitely a good way to start. It helped me while my husband was in OCS... from a support standpoint and as a learning tool.

 

[ip568]

Pluses:

1. While you're away, the other spouses will provide you with support unheard of in the civilian world.
2. When home, the squadron "family" is amazing and the envy of the civilian world.
3. The military spouse holds a special place in society.
4. The Navy really does try to look out for its own.

Minuses:

1. Six to ten months at a time away from your family or girl/boy friend is a marriage/relationship killer. Every time my squadron deployed there were divorces, affairs, and all kinds of unhappiness. One of my guys had to get 22 vaccinations to cure something he caught from an overseas lady. One of my friends came home after six months and found his wife, credit cards, and bank account gone and moved-in with some other guy.
2. Prolonged time away from your family is very difficult. Even the bachelors miss "home."

Rent a copy of "We Were Soldiers."

 

[bennett4362]

One of my guys had to get 22 vaccinations to cure something he caught from an overseas lady.

this is definitely a relationship killer, and not because the SO was having a hard time at home or anything to do with the relationship, really, other than the guy couldn't keep his, umm, hands? to himself...