What do I tell her?

[ZoomByU]

I'm going to OCS (PLC-C) this June and lately my girlfriend and I have been having many conversations about marriage and life in the military. She has a lot of questions about military lifestyle and also has a lot of misconceptions, IMO. Ive been searching the site for the past few days trying to find pertinent info. Ive found alot of useful info but still not exactly what I'm looking for. Everyone keeps saying to be very honest with her about the way things will be, which i'm doing, but I really don't know a whole lot. I know some of the time frames such as TBS and flight school to an extent but still don't really know all that much. What can I tell her to expect? Her major concern seems to be the time we would spend apart as well as raising children with all the moving. I plan on talking to one of the Captains at my OSO who just started a few weeks ago who is a 46 pilot. I also thought it would be a good idea for her to talk with him as well. Any info is greatly appreciated.
God has really pressed these verses on my heart after writing this:
James 1:2-4, 1:12

 

[crysmc]

Well, it's hard for you to know what to tell her because you're going through this for the first time yourself too, right? The best thing you can do is try to paint an accurate picture for her, not a fairy tale. Be honest and upfront with what you know. Then send her over to the private spouses corner on this website... There, she can talk with experienced wives and girlfriends who have gone through similar experiences and can shape her opinion more about what she thinks of the lifestyle.

The most important thing I've learned so far, being a military girlfriend, fiancee, and soon wife is this: no matter how many details, how many opinions and how many stories you hear about what you're about to go through, nothing really prepares you for the exact reality of the situation.

The second most important thing... it's all an adventure and to make it through happily, you have to be positive and love your boyfriend/fiance/husband enough to enjoy it.

The third most important thing is that you know to expect the difficulties and hardships that come with the lifestyle. You pretty much need to accept that you will be moving frequently, will be lucky to find a job and will likely do a good portion of the child-rearing on your own. You also have to know how to balance the struggle of all of this while remembering that at the end of the day, it's all worth it.

Now, I am far from an expert, but this is advice that I've either lived or heard from other experienced wives & girlfriends. It may have been more than you were asking for, but it's my opinion. Good luck!

 

[ZoomByU]

You also have to know how to balance the struggle of all of this while remembering that at the end of the day, it's all worth it

Please elaborate more on this. No its not more than i was asking for.

 

[jchase01]

I am also in the same boat as your girlfriend. She absolutely needs to sign up for the private spouses corner. My SO leaves in August for OCS and if it wasn't for my reading of these forums it would be much harder. The spouses and SO that you meet on AW helps you get through even the hardest moments because most of them have already gone through it or are going through it with you. There are a few women on the site that have SOs leaving between May and August so this will help her as well.

All that being said, the way that most couples seem to make it through is to be open and communicate. I presume that you will be long-distance so communication will be imperative.

Tell her to post her questions in the private spouses corner and the SOs there will be completely honest and it will be private from the rest of the forum.

Good luck!

 

[bennett4362]

You also have to know how to balance the struggle of all of this while remembering that at the end of the day, it's all worth it.

Please elaborate more on this. No its not more than i was asking for.

from my brief experience thus far, i would honestly elaborate on this by saying that sometimes it will really, really stink. she may hate where she lives, may be exasperated about her professional situation, and feel absolutely unable to be both father and mother. but in the midst of those frustrations, she has to be able to think how much she loves her husband, is willing to support him in this endeavor, and will do what it takes to make it work. and, very importantly, be able to feel a sense of satisfaction, accomplishment, and pride in being able to do so.

 

[crysmc]

Yes, exactly.

 

[GeoffStahl]

From the other side of the fence. I have to saw it is really hard to be married/engaged when going through OCS/flight school/first squadron tour. Lots of folks do it, so it is not impossible but it is hard. I think if things go well and you are both devoted and strong it can go well. The hard part (I think) is dealing with crisis and problems while you are apart or have commitments to the service.

The separation in general is difficult also. For my first sea tour (Navy) I was on the boat 18 months (day for day) and away from home 30 out of 44 months. That was pretty darn hard. Flight school was a different issue, like having a (another) significant other who demands your time. It is a huge time sink, something that you need to devote your time to and always there, needing more attention.

Please do not think I am saying it is impossible or not to try. Just go in with eyes open. Sign up for the adventure of it and make the most of it. You will go places and see things few other people do and you can do much of it together. If you are truly devoted to each other then you will persevere.

"Success flourishes only in perseverance; ceaseless, restless perseverance."

Good luck.

 

[Box]

Im going through the same situation. Thanks for the advise guys!

 

[sgtdube]

Life in the service is hard, especially on spouses. I remember reading a quote from our 1st Sgt's Wives wife to a letter to all girlfreinds and wives, that the hardest job in the military is being a military spouse. As servicemen, we learn to cope with it as part of our job, but to families, they may not be able too. I suggest going to a recruiter and seeing if your lady can talk to one of there wives. I have seen how hard it can be first hand. Good luck.
S/F
Sgt Dube

 

[bennett4362]

also, to reiterate what crysmc said earlier, get them on this website and into the private spouse's corner!! (or at least involved in some fashion with other military spouses.) the support of other significant others who are in the same situation will prove to be invaluable to help them (and you) get through it all.

 

[crysmc]

Yes please send your girls over to the Private Spouse's Corner! I can't begin to tell you how helpful it has been/is/will be to me.

 

[snow85]

be sure that you talk to Marines about their experiences -- your route is going to take a bit longer because you're going to be a Marine.

typically, you'll deploy for 6 months at a time, come back, and begin the work up cycle for your next deployment. (of course, all according to the needs of the Corps.)


obviously you're being as honest with her as you can, and you should continue to do so. while you have the time, make sure that you're supporting her too-- her life, her personal goals, etc. it's harder to do that once you begin training, and while i'm sure she'll understand that, it's easy to lose sight of the other person in the relationship.

in other words, if you want to make it work, you're going to have to help and support her, in supporting you.

 

[bennett4362]

you're going to have to help and support her, in supporting you.

this is an excellent point

 

[kj11]

Marine wife

Hey there
My husband is a Marine in TBS right now. He has an air contract so this is all new to me but I definitely learned a lot while he was at OCS. Please have your girlfrien PM me if she needs anything. She'll definitely need to talk to someone around that 3rd week when you're at OCS and she hasn't been able to talk to you!!! I can give her all the best flights, places to stay and info on good 'ol Quantico, VA if you guys get to that point.
Good luck to you guys..I definitely found that this has made our relationship so much stronger and we've become even closer. If you really want it to work, it just will...that simple!
Take care
kristin

 

[KBayDog]

The only good thing to tell her is the 100% honest truth. Anything less is doing you both a disservice. There will be long separations - even if you aren't deployed, you will be away at schools, you will be training, or you will simply have long days at work. You won't be able to come and go as you please - you will have to follow the leave/liberty guidelines of your command. Sometimes, your duties will have to be #1, regardless of whether or not you put family first. You will move a lot. You might live in the best places on earth, or the worst places on earth. You will never be rich.

It comes down to Love. Love conquers all, right? If you love each other enough, you will collaborate (not compromise) and it will work.

Make no mistake about it, the military is a hard environment to be married. However, it can/does work, and the military has many resources to ensure that marriages are successful, such as the spouses' clubs. They are a great way for people in similar situations to get together and share experiences.

Another important, yet underused, tool is the command chaplain. Whatever your faith (if any at all), the chaplain is there to help you out/answer any questions. He will not try to "convert" you or anything, and whatever happens in his office, STAYS in his office. Just like a lawyer, he cannot divulge anything you say to him without your permission. It is absolutely separate from your command - they will never know unless you tell them. He is a military man (most likely married) who has gone through the same hardships as you, so he can speak from experience. He is always available, whether you are going through good times or bad. The chaplain's office often holds marriage seminars, marriage retreats, etc. to help with the biggest obstacle to any healthy relationship - COMMUNICATION. (Funny how one of the most important things in war is also one of the most important things in marriage...)

In any event, have frank, honest discussions with her. Do not hold anything back, and do not mislead each other because you want your relationship to work. Better to find out if it will work before you recite your vows.

Hope things work out, and stay in touch with us. And, as others have said, put her in touch with the spouses on this board. They all have different, yet similar, experiences to share that will help her decide if this life is for her. And if it is, the spouses' perspective will help her (and you) adjust to the rewarding life you are about to enter.