Trying to ease a weary mother's mind

[Dmitriy]

So last night I spent about two hours on the phone with my mom talking about my decision to become a Navy officer. This was the second one of these talks we had and while it was a fair bit less emotional I don't feel like I've made any progress of making her comfortable with my intentions. I'd appreciate some help with this.
A little background into my relationship with my parents. My mom and dad are divorced. Mom and I moved to the states in 2000 and my dad stayed in Russia. My dad is a convinced pacifist. He begrudgingly did his mandatory service back in the good old USSR and doesn't have much love for the military. He was not absent from my life these past 13 years, but he wasn't able to play an active role in my upbringing once mom and I moved to the states. I think he accepted that I have matured into a young man on my own and that is why when I layed out my decision and my reasons before him he accepted them without any objection. My mom is a different story. Me being her only family here in America, my decision does not sit well with her at all.
Big disclaimer here: my mom has accepted my individuality, she understands that her approval is inconsequential to me going through with this. I want to find a way to comfort her and do so before I ship to OCS. I feel that having the one family member I'll be able to communicate with while there on my side is pretty crucial...
Her weariness as she admits comes from a lack of information. We were raised in different societies. In Russia military service is an obligation, not something someone volunteers for, so the respect military service has here isn't quite the same in Russia, so while I grew up in a society where (imo) service is viewed as the highest and most respected form of sacrifice, she comes from a society where for the most part service is a nuisance in the way of getting on with your life. On top of that she was ofcourse raised in an authoritarian system and thus has a repulsion towards unquestioning obedience which is the cornerstone of military discipline. In our talks when it comes to talking pros and cons she looks past all of the benefits of military service, be it a career or a path towards something in the civilian sector, and focuses on being locked in for 4 years having to obey your superiors without question. She harks back to a hypothetical scenario of a CO over me bent on ruining or stalling my career and advancement and how I would be trapped in the situation where out in the civilian world I could simply walk out of a similar situation. All of those fears and concerns of hers are compounded by the fact that she does not know anybody personally who has served as an officer in the American armed forces who could with authority put at least some of those concerns to rest.
Some of this situation is my doing as well. I admittedly don't communicate well enough with my mom when it comes to this. We live in different cities so she doesn't see me applying or training or not feeling fulfilled with my current job. When we start talking about that hypothetical scenario of a "bad" CO I can't come up with how I would get around that situation because, admittedly, as much research as I have done I don't know the ins and out of the daily Navy grind. This results with all of my answers sounding like they are taken out of pamphlets and recruiters' mouths. Finally, while I had a lot of contact with people in various branches of the military, much as in my mom's case, I don't know any well and personally to get that information.
I want to reiterate again, I have made up my mind about the Navy. I know that in time my mother will come to terms with it and be proud of my choice. I want to find a way to ease her mind now and not down the road though. Maybe only time can do that, but I'd like to at least try.
I would greatly appreciate if you could recount some anecdotes and specific situations from your personal experiences as Navy officers relating to:
- your best experiences with the Navy life
- your worst experiences in the Navy
- problems with CoC and how you've gotten through them
I ask you please to be specific (everyone knows that flying jets is the bees knees and filling out paperwork while stuck on a boat pretty much blows).
I apologize for yet another verbose post and thank you in advance for your insight.

 

[Dmitriy]

I forgot to add that experiences with helping a family member come to terms with you becoming an officer are also greatly appreciated. Thank you!

 

[BackOrdered]

Google: Caine Mutiny movie (1954). It basically summaries my take. Good luck!

 

[picklesuit]

My mom was extremely unhappy I joined the military, especially after my stepdad, a Vietnam Vet, commuted suicide after spending years fighting PTSD.

She is now very proud of me and the choices I made. Our military is different than the military of past (for the US) and very different from the old Soviet military.

If she wants to talk to another "reformed" parent, PM me and I can put her in contact.
Pickle

 

[BigRed389]

She harks back to a hypothetical scenario of a CO over me bent on ruining or stalling my career and advancement and how I would be trapped in the situation where out in the civilian world I could simply walk out of a similar situation. All of those fears and concerns of hers are compounded by the fact that she does not know anybody personally who has served as an officer in the American armed forces who could with authority put at least some of those concerns to rest.
When we start talking about that hypothetical scenario of a "bad" CO I can't come up with how I would get around that situation because, admittedly, as much research as I have done I don't know the ins and out of the daily Navy grind.

Those are legitimate concerns.
It's quite possible (even probable given enough time) that at some point in your career, you're going to work for a terrible person, whether they are the spawn of Satan or just plain lacking in intelligence. For the most part, in situations like this, you simply have to learn to play the game and remember your JOB is to accomplish the mission or fulfill whatever function the part of the organization is responsible for has, taking care of those that work for you.

But there are some checks and balances:
1) A terrible boss only has so much time in the day to make their subordinates lives miserable.
1a) They also have to spread the daily beatings among several of them.
2) CHAIN of command: your boss has a boss.
3) There are hard and fast rules on what can or cannot be done. They can make your life miserable within the lines, but those only go so far. Especially for officers. Breaking those rules can open them up to problems like IG investigations (See CAPT Holly Graf and USS COWPENS). And we're not the USSR, no shit criminal behavior is punished swiftly (see douchebag fired former CO of USS MOMSEN, now a federal penitentiary prisoner).
4) Command climate surveys. I don't know when these started, but at some point it started getting tracked. Meaning at some point, your CO's boss gets to hear how the command collectively thinks he or she is doing. And you get to be quite honest, and it's completely anonymous. I don't know of anyone getting fired over this, but I do know of one that was quietly moved on early.
5) At some point your transfer date will come due. Or your boss's will. This one's a double edged sword if you liked the status quo.

 

[Renegade One]

So last night I spent about two hours on the phone with my mom talking about my decision to become a Navy officer. This was the second one of these talks we had and while it was a fair bit less emotional I don't feel like I've made any progress of making her comfortable with my intentions. I'd appreciate some help with this.

No anecdotes from people neither you or your Mom have ever met will mean much to her, I don't think.

Tell her this instead:

"Mom, you brought me to our new country and taught me to love it and everything it stands for. You raised me to be the best man that I could be. You gave me the best education and the best moral upbringing any son could ever ask for.

Now, I have become exactly what you worked so many years for: A well-educated, moral, patriotic man who loves this country…and all it stands for…and wants to spend some time in its service. I know you will never love my decision…but I know that you will always love me and truly want me to fulfill the dreams YOU helped me to have. I promise you that I will do my best, and I KNOW I will make you proud of my decision. You and I both understand that I don't need your approval…but I hope very much that I can have your blessing and encouragement."

[If relevant to your mother's faith grounding:] "I ask you to continue to pray for me every day as I go through this experience. Your prayers can only help to protect me from the many things you fear."

Just my $.02. Cheers, R1

 

[FormerRecruitingGuru]

When you met with your recruiter, was your mother there? If not, she needs to be there so everyone can be on the same page. I always hate it when applicants leave out their significant others/persons of influence which later on become a hassle because they heard something negative about the Navy from a illegitimate resource. They're just as important to the application process as the actual applicant.

 

[Renegade One]

When you met with your recruiter, was your mother there? If not, she needs to be there so everyone can be on the same page.

Seriously? I'm very surprised at this. This isn't some 17-year old MCRD recruit who needs a parent's approval…this is a 23-year old adult Officer Candidate. When does one cut the cord?

Assuming I'm AFU (it's happened before…)…what would the Officer Recruiter tell her?

 

[Dmitriy]

When you met with your recruiter, was your mother there? If not, she needs to be there so everyone can be on the same page. I always hate it when applicants leave out their significant others/persons of influence which later on become a hassle because they heard something negative about the Navy from a illegitimate resource. They're just as important to the application process as the actual applicant.

Retrospectively, that probably would have been a good idea, but that ship has sailed at this point I've already gotten recommended by a board and gone through MEPS. There is also the logistical issue of me living and going through the application process in Pittsburgh, while my mother lives in CT.

 

[Renegade One]

Retrospectively, that probably would have been a good idea...

I respectfully disagree. See my immediately prior post.

 

[FormerRecruitingGuru]

Seriously? I'm very surprised at this. This isn't some 17-year old MCRD recruit who needs a parent's approval…this is a 23-year old adult Officer Candidate. When does one cut the cord?

Assuming I'm AFU (it's happened before…)…what would the Officer Recruiter tell her?

Seriously. Every now and then I get asked by applicants, any where from 21 all the way up to 28 years old who still want mom and/or dad present during the initial interview. I agree that the cord should have been cut off, but there are some folks who still feel they need mom/dad's blessing to make their own actions.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Seriously? I'm very surprised at this. This isn't some 17-year old MCRD recruit who needs a parent's approval…this is a 23-year old adult Officer Candidate. When does one cut the cord?

Assuming I'm AFU (it's happened before…)…what would the Officer Recruiter tell her?

I had several who would come to see me with there mom/dad/gf/bf/etc, I always told them before they came to see me that I had no issues if they brought someone to the interview as I had nothing to hide.

Some just said it is my decision as it is my life.

To be honest I had many great conversations with the moms and dads, several were priors and we were able to tell lots of stories back and forth.

 

[Renegade One]

Seriously. Every now and then I get asked by applicants, any where from 21 all the way up to 28 years old who still want mom and/or dad present during the initial interview. I agree that the cord should have been cut off, but there are some folks who still feel they need mom/dad's blessing to make their own actions.

I had several who would come to see me with there mom/dad/gf/bf/etc, I always told them before they came to see me that I had no issues if they brought someone to the interview as I had nothing to hide.

Fair responses…thanks. I never did that duty. Thanks for the real-world perspectives. But….I'm still surprised for adult OCs.

 

[picklesuit]

I think the parents debate should be a further debate upon what defines an "adult" in the current age of Millenials.
Considering the number of "adults" who still live at home, are on their parent's insurance, don't have a job, and consider a night of X-Box a normal thing; we need to reevaluate our definition of "adult."
For me, personally, you are not an adult until you are entirely free from parental support, especially when it comes to money.
Now I'm not talking about the occasional twenty bucks for gas money because you drove out to see them for the weekend; but if you don't: buy your own food, pay for your own transportation, pay for your own lodging, healthcare, and cell phone, have a job or are enrolled in some sort of post-secondary education, you are not an adult.

The days of hitting the world at 18 (17 in my case) and making a go of it yourself are long gone. There are exceptions to every stereotype, but the age of entitlement is here now and is getting worse every year.

Alright, off my soapbox, time to drink some Metamucil apparently.
Pickle

 

[Dmitriy]

there are some folks who still feel they need mom/dad's blessing to make their own actions.

I don't think this is the case here. I've been living away from home for 6 years now (though financial independence is something rather new still). My mother treats me like the adult I am and she expects no less of me than to make important decisions for myself. It is not the issue of making a decision, but making her feel more comfortable with my decision. She's not preventing me from doing anything, she just doesn't like it.
I think that in my particular case having her talk to a recruiter could be useful because a recruiter could give her some insight into Navy life and answer questions I may not be able to.