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Nrotc Essay Help!

Harminder Singh

New Member
Hey, i was wondering if someone was nice enough to give me feed back on my two short response essays.

1. List your reasons for becoming a naval officer
Minority leadership in the U.S. navy is tremendously low, but it is certainly not the navy’s fault; it is the people who are willing to step up, and take control, that deserve to hold a leadership position in the navy. Leadership in the navy is not a minute job, it takes dedication, loyalty, and most of all, respect for your peers. My diligent work in the aviation field corroborates my leadership abilities.
Mohandas Gandhi once said “I suppose leadership at one time meant muscles; but today it means getting along with people;” leadership is not based off how physically robust one is, rather it is a trait most people find ambiguous. The concept of leading depends on loyalty, and intellectual prowess; both of which I have enhanced to better myself and my community. My vocational teachers always proclaim that I must act as I would do in a real life experience. Similarly, my performance as an AMT in my class requires role-playing, where people lives depend on me; to mitigate the stress of having this troublesome ideal, I work at my optimum level.
Working amongst airplanes has always been something I have dreamt about; earning the rank of a naval officer will allow me to gain access to that opportunity. Similarly, my AMT skills along with my knowledge of aircrafts will enhance my ability to work amongst others more sufficiently. Working on airplanes require strict leadership, where every man has to be cooperative to perform a profound task.
Most minorities are conformists. Only those who surpass their beliefs and take control, triumph. My year's training to become an AMT really showed me what it takes to be a leader; to coöperate fully with your peers in a coherent fashion. To transcend above the norm is a goal I will accomplish as a naval officer.

2. How might your background and experiences enhance the U.S. Naval Service?
"Aim for the top. There is plenty of room there,” said Samuel Insull. This concept has been a part of my belief system, after my seventh grade science teacher first introduced it to me during a discussion which revolved around flight; at that moment I had an epiphany, to work diligently around aircrafts; whether it is to mend them to their original condition or to soar through the skies along them. However, simply dreaming about a goal would not mitigate the diligent process of achieving it. Similarly, the day I set foot in Aviation High School surpassed my previous efforts at achieving my goal.
The FAA qualifies Aviation High School to create future AMT’s; a A. & P. license qualifies a person to perform maintenance to an aircraft. When I realized the great opportunity bestowed on me, I knew I could not muddle my chances at achieving my goal. I took a course called engineering, which went over the basis for flight and aircraft operation; which enhanced my knowledge of general aviation, and the principles that revolve around flight. Similarly, the school prepared me with a wide range of maintenance classes which consisted of sheet metal, fabrics, composites, and wood. However, simply working with mock-ups doesn’t give the gist of working around airplanes. Mock-ups went away during my senior year; the hangar that our school harness’ allow students to get a real life experience of working around airplanes. Similarly, I realized that my interest was not really on commercial aviation; however I had a keen interest for military aviation; the two branches that dealt with aircrafts were the Navy and the Air-force.
Fortuitously, naval recruiters visited our school; their impression on our vocational program left a positive impression. My airframe and Power plant experience was very well appreciated by the naval officers. Similarly, they discussed how beneficial A. & P. licenses are to the Navy. After extensive research, I decided that the navy was the right choice for me. Harnessing the basic knowledge of aircrafts before joining a field concerning aircrafts enhances my abilities at performance, both physically (Mechanical) and mentally.
Aviation High School accentuated my knowledge of aircrafts. The skills gained through these vocational courses enhanced my ability to get a career in an aviation related field. The endless hours spent learning new concepts really paid off in the end, when I earn my A. & P. license that will ultimately help reach my dreams.

Thanks in advance!
 

CommodoreMid

Whateva! I do what I want!
None
Super Moderator
Contributor
Run them by your English teacher. Major grammar/spelling errors that I don't feel like going through.

In your first essay I honestly don't give a crap that you're a minority. The boards will see that you are in the rest of your application when you check the race block. No need to highlight it, and it almost makes it sound like you got a chip on your shoulder.

Next, do you realize aviation isn't a guarantee? Yeah it's fine to mention that aviation is your first choice, but look at some of the other threads on this forum and you'll see a lot of great midshipmen who got drafted into other communities. Talk about your desire to serve in the Navy as an officer, not just in aviation. Finally, capitalize Navy. It's a proper noun in this context.
 

Recovering LSO

Suck Less
pilot
Contributor
Run them by your English teacher. Major grammar/spelling errors that I don't feel like going through.
.
This.

And don't use a $5 word when a 25 cent substitute will just as easily and clearly make your point. If you elect to use said $5 word - make sure that you've used it correctly.
 

villanelle

Nihongo dame desu
Contributor
Yes, the grammar, puctuation, usage, and spelling need help, and it reads like you wrote an essay and then took a thesaurus to it to make it fancy. (Who says, " I could not muddle my chances at achieving my goal"? No one talks like that, and no one *should* write like that either.)

Also, there is a lot of information that seems to have little to do with why you should be accepted into NROTC. I (and probably the board reading these) doesn't care what materials you worked with. They care about why you would be a good Naval Officer.

And notice that I said, "a good Naval Officer", which is not the same an aviator.

Start over. Think about what you would tell a friend abot why you want to be a Naval Officer, and why you'd be good at it. Record yourself talking, imagining you are talking to your buddies, if you have to, and then type it up and tinker with it from there.
 

mid1510

1370
I'm confused. Do you go to a high school that specializes in aviation maintenance? Know the NROTC selection people want to see that you have taken advanced math and science courses in high school and that you have done well in the SAT.

Also, if you want to be an aviation maintenance officer (AMO) there are awesome opportunities in the Navy for that, however if you actually want to be the one turning the wrench and fixing the airplane, you will not be doing that as an AMO.

The essay itself needs work and was very confusing. Start over and state why you want to be a naval officer and cite what you have accomplished in your life thus far (brag, but don't come off as cocky).

PM me if you have specific questions.
 

helolumpy

Apprentice School Principal
pilot
Contributor
If you can't find a teacher, try signing up for an on-line grammar check program like http://www.grammarly.com/

Also, capitalize the word Navy. It's the title of the organization in which you aspire to become a commissioned Officer.
 

Harminder Singh

New Member
Okay, thanks a lot for the feed back! I recently met up with my english teacher and gave him a copy my revised essay. I leaned more towards the reasons i want to be a Naval officer; am i still missing the point in this essay...?

Minority leadership in the U.S. navy is tremendously low, but it is certainly not the navy’s fault; it is the people who are willing to step up, and take control, that deserve to hold a leadership position in the navy. Leadership in the navy is not a minute job, it takes dedication, loyalty, and most of all, respect for your peers. To serve one’s nation is a privilege only granted to those with dedication.
Mohandas Gandhi once said “I suppose leadership at one time meant muscles; but today it means getting along with people;” leadership is not based off how physically robust one is, rather it is the relationship between a man and his fellow peers. Similarly, leadership isn’t a trait easily inherited, rather it must be developed. The navy help’s to enhance ones leadership ability, which cannot be taught anywhere else.
Working amongst airplanes has always been something I have dreamt about; earning the rank of a naval officer will allow me to gain access to that opportunity. Similarly, my AMT skills along with my knowledge of aircrafts will enhance my ability to work amongst others more sufficiently. Working on an airplane requires strict leadership, where every man has to be cooperative to perform a profound task.
Most minorities are conformists. Only those who surpass their beliefs and take control, triumph. My year's training to become an AMT really showed me what it takes to be a leader; to coöperate fully with your peers in a coherent fashion. To transcend above the norm is a goal I will accomplish as a naval officer. As far as the other essay is concerned, i'm planning on starting it over. I reviewed the above essay from a bunch of grammar sites, however they might've not helped as much, therefore i'm going to my english teacher.
 

KBayDog

Well-Known Member
palmface.jpg


Mr. Singh, you asked for advice, and it was given to you. However, you failed to apply any of the advice provided.

If you expect members of this forum to provide further assistance, it would behoove you to listen to...and apply...the advice provided.

Best of luck with your application process.
 

BigIron

Remotely piloted
pilot
Super Moderator
Contributor
Still with the minority approach? Do you have stats to back up your assertions that Navy minority leadership is "tremendously low," or that members of all minority are conformists? Is this your opinion or is it a statement based in fact?
If a lack of diversity in leadership is a key approach for you, what does your diversity bring to the Navy? You state your thoughts on minorities and the Navy, but your essay forces the reader to assume you are of a minority ethnic group. Why do you believe you bring value as a Navy officer as part of a specific ethnic group? You won't be able to submit an avatar picture with your application.

Also, you need to fine-tooth comb this for grammar and overall organization. What is AMT? - spell it out. Don't assume we know. Capitalize "Navy." Your use of the possessive " 's" is misused several times throughout ("The navy help's"). Misuse of the semi-colon. An umlaut in cooperate?

Overall, your essays seems lofty yet messy. You have been offered several decent recommendations to fix your essay in this post. It appears you haven't taken any suggestions yet. People are not going to write this for you. Write simply and tell the board why you want to be a Navy officer. Use correct grammar and spelling. DO NOT submit this essay as currently written to any board.
I concur with KBayDog's giant angry hand.
 

BusyBee604

St. Francis/Hugh Hefner Combo!
pilot
Super Moderator
Contributor
Okay, thanks a lot for the feed back! I recently met up with my english teacher and gave him a copy my revised essay. I leaned more towards the reasons i want to be a Naval officer; am i still missing the point in this essay...?

Minority leadership in the U.S. navy is tremendously low, but it is certainly not the navy’s fault; it is the people who are willing to step up, and take control, that deserve to hold a leadership position in the navy. Leadership in the navy is not a minute job, it takes dedication, loyalty, and most of all, respect for your peers. To serve one’s nation is a privilege only granted to those with dedication.
Mohandas Gandhi once said “I suppose leadership at one time meant muscles; but today it means getting along with people;” leadership is not based off how physically robust one is, rather it is the relationship between a man and his fellow peers. Similarly, leadership isn’t a trait easily inherited, rather it must be developed. The navy help’s to enhance ones leadership ability, which cannot be taught anywhere else.
Working amongst airplanes has always been something I have dreamt about; earning the rank of a naval officer will allow me to gain access to that opportunity. Similarly, my AMT skills along with my knowledge of aircrafts will enhance my ability to work amongst others more sufficiently. Working on an airplane requires strict leadership, where every man has to be cooperative to perform a profound task.
Most minorities are conformists. Only those who surpass their beliefs and take control, triumph. My year's training to become an AMT really showed me what it takes to be a leader; to coöperate fully with your peers in a coherent fashion. To transcend above the norm is a goal I will accomplish as a naval officer. As far as the other essay is concerned, i'm planning on starting it over. I reviewed the above essay from a bunch of grammar sites, however they might've not helped as much, therefore i'm going to my english teacher.

PROPER PUNCTUATION, GRAMMAR, SPELLING, etc. a must when applying in the competitive arena. We expect that also, when posting on AW.:rolleyes:
BzB
 

MIDNJAC

is clara ship
pilot
Harminder, like others have been saying, you absolutely need to re-cage your brain and essay. While the military is obliged to seek out the best applicants from all different backgrounds and ethnicities, they are not going to pick you over a more qualified non-minority applicant. You aren't going to cash in on the affirmative action card in this business. So, with that in mind, it would behoove you to base your argument 100% on the things that make you the most qualified applicant. Being born a minority is not one of those things. However, being an outstanding student with a well rounded resume of activities and interests would definitely set you apart, and these are the things that boards are interested in hearing about. I've been in aviation, in one form or another, for over a decade now, and I still have no idea what you mean by "AMT"....I'm guessing that a lot of the folks reading your essay won't either. If you feel like that is noteworthy experience (whatever it is), elaborate a little bit more and fill them in on how it makes you a more qualified applicant.
 

Harminder Singh

New Member
@ Biglron, my teacher inspired me to write about minorities in the naval force (he's a 30 year veteran). However, the issue about the grammatical mistakes are being worked on by my ap english teacher who thought the concept was decent. Thanks for the feed back.
 

villanelle

Nihongo dame desu
Contributor
I won't be reading any more of your essays or providing any more feedback. I find the statement about minorities being conformists pretty offensive, so in my book, you are done.

If you have half a brain, you'll be able to glean some helpful feedback even from this post.
 

Harminder Singh

New Member
Alright, well thanks villanelle, i'll try to change that up. However, i'll like to close the discussion, my ap literature teacher is providing support.
 
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