Need advice! Should she move to Florida w/me?

[jthomps1]

Thank you all for taking the time to help. I was mainly interested in some 'time-frames'...

I will be in Pensacola for OCS AND the initial phases of Flight School. I'm currently involved with a 'very' significant other, and we have begun our discussions on how to deal with my move to Florida. The question is whether it is worth it for her to move to Florida or not. Am I still going to be jumping around a lot (ie. advanced flight training in Texas), so that we wouldn't see each other anyway...or will I have a 'home' to visit on a regular basis?

I know this training is extremely intense and takes 100% of my focus and concentration, so I don't want her to make any drastic decisions prematurely. Maybe 'after' flight training is a better time..I don't know.

Any advice or comments are greatly appreciated...thank you for your help! Josh

 

[Frumby]

First off, there is a never a great time to be married while in the military, especially not for an aviator. You will move around a lot and you will be gone alot so it has to be a very stable and understanding relationship. Now your talking about a significant other and that can also be difficult. She can not take advantages of any military benefits because she is not your wife and as you probably realize, there are alot of benefits a base can offer a spouse. Personally, I would wait until after OCS to move her but that's my opinion and have nothing to offer to substantiate that advice. I would rather work on completing OCS, bonding with my compadres (you will know and rely on these people for the rest of your life)and developing my reputation in the military. Flight School will also be difficult and you will find that you will spend most of your free time studying and preparing. What will she do? If she is bored and doesn't really have any friends to rely on it may be very taxing on you and could effect your relationship or your performance. I am not saying it is impossible but BOTH of you have to remain very flexible and understanding. If your relationship is questionable or she is a needy person then I would wait until after flight school. You will have to make that determination. Remember, flight school is your dream shot. It will only come once in your lifetime. How you choose to handle it is up to you. By the way, I got married after flight school but I dated her during school. I didn't live with her and she knew that at that point in my life, flight school was the most important thing. She respected and always understood that and I have been married to her for almost eleven years. Relationships are possible. I know you were looking for more definitive advice but I have always believed that the best advice is the advice that makes you think. Good Luck! All my best, Frumby

P.S. Speaking on the non married thing. I have noticed and its not true for all but some spouses will reject a girlfriend from the wife group because she has no true commitment. It is a very strange phenomenon and I have seen it quite a few times. Hopefully, you will not encouter the same problem. I will admit, I generally did not see that in wives in flight school but mainly in fleet squadrons spousal organizations. (That's why some of us call the Wives club the "Knives" Club)

Attack Pilot
Major USMCR

 

[e5b-wife]

I have to agree with Frumby. It's hard enough to be married to someone going through any school in the military. I imagine it would be harder if you weren't married. The base is a built in support system for spouses and of course if you're not married you lose that. And I have seen wives exclude girlfriends too. It's an unfortunate thing. The other thing to consider is if she moves with you and later things don't work out for you two, where does that leave her?
Whatever you decide you two should make the decision together of course.

 

[jthomps1]

Thanks for the reply(s). I appreciate all the advice, and I'm sure it will prove beneficial for us as we continue our discussions.

Due to the fact that there are minimal job opportunities in the Pesacola area, I think we are leaning toward having her move to the "southeast region." This way, it would be fair for her to hold a solid job, and she would be close enough for me to visit whenever I had the opportunity. (Weekends, Holidays, etc) Once I get through training (or to a point I know I'll be in one spot for a while), then maybe we'll talk more about moving in together.

Any additional advice or input is MORE than welcome. Thank You!

 

[solenita72]

This is my two cents....but of course I am married....looking back on the past couple of months my ENS was at OCS, I think that both of us would of faired a bit better if I had moved down there. Not that our relatioship suffered, but I think that we would of been less miserable, if that makes any sense. Here my life was just the same old hum drum life only more crazy, just missing my husband, where his was turned upside down, including being a long way away from his family. If I had not been married, I am not sure that moving for OCS would have done anything for us, but I would of considered moving after OCS, I think. After our seperation of OCS, we have decided that we will move as a family, we just feel that is the important thing to do. Before they changed the program, my husband was suppose to go to school in Rhode Island for 6-9 months, and we decided early on in OCS that we would move with him. Hope this helps, you have a tough decision to make! Best of luck to you!

 

[Laura]

I read your post on the day you wrote it and have debated responding but I suppose it can't hurt to give my perspective from that of a girlfriend. Our situations are quite different and I'll try to be brief.

My boyfriend and I are from the same home town and although we lost touch during his years at the Academy we "found" each other again during his 1/c year and clicked immediately. After our graduations from college I moved to Annapolis which is not far from home. His original report date for API was in November and we were both looking forward to spending a lot of time together until his departure for Pensacola. In early August he received word that he was to report 2 months early giving him roughly 8 days to pack up, find an apartment in FL, and leave. There wasn't much time for discussion about me moving down, I had to transfer jobs and move back in with my parents.

After living together for only a short time, separation for API was nearly unbearable. I was able to visit once but I was really quite bitter about not having been asked to go with him. I tried to be as supportive as possible but I admit I was very angry at the time, something I am quite ashamed of now. Looking back there really wasn't anything either of us could do. Luckily he did not have to wait long before starting API and before either of us knew it he was pakcing up again and moving even farther away from "home" to Corpus Christi where he is currently in Primary.

He was able to come home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas and while I was elated to see him and have him home again, I was at the same time disappointed that I wouldn't be returning with him. Over Christmas vacation he asked me to come back with him, the question I thought I had been waiting for, but I suppose somewhere along the line I had starting thinking differently and decided that Texas is a little too far for me to move as just a girlfriend. We've talked about engagement and marriage and it is something that we definately want to do but now does not seem like the perfect time for him.

Since he left back in August I have run the gammet of emotions from sadness to anger to understanding and I seem to bounce back and forth between them on a daily basis! We talk everyday and I now have a better understanding of the pressure he is under at Primary and realize that the best thing I can do for him is just to support him. Sometimes I feel that I mask my true feelings so I don't bring him down, but out of necessity so as not to hinder his studying. He often seems miserable without me there to comfort him after a long day and I am miserable because I have to do my best to comfort him from afar. In this respect I agree whole-heartly with solenita.

I don't know what you may be able to get out of my post but I was only trying to give you a girlfriend's point of view. With years of deployments and separations ahead of us, I guess I don't see the point in us being separated now when we have the opportunity to be together. Like I said, my boyfriend graduated from the Academy so I know nothing of the obstacles that OCS poses to a relationship. However in the schools that followed his commissioning, I have only ever wanted to be there for him and to share in the challenges of API and Primary. Being apart has made me stronger and has allowed me to concentrate on myself but it just doesn't feel right. I wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck.

 

[grouch]

Well Laura should she move or not, the suspense is killing us all.

 

[Laura]

grouch
I don't know I was just telling my story, didn't mean to bore you. In the midst of all this training and moving about someday someone is going to have to make a decision. When's the perfect time to do so? Isn't that the million dollar question.

 

[jthomps1]

Everybody,

The opinions and advice you've been sending are a tremendous help! It's been great to hear different viewpoints and perspectives from those of you who have gone through, or are currently involved with, these decisions. We will be sure to discuss ALL of our options, especially those brought up in this forum.

Continued discussion is always a plus!

Thanks again!!!

 

[WFU2USN]

jthomps1,

Military relationships are inherently stressful, but so is distance. Like Jon, I think that once you're done with OCS you guys should look into her moving down. Just take a look at your school schedule, etc. after OCS and be very open in communicating to her about it!!

I'm merely a reservist now, and I've learned that communication is ESSENTIAL w/ regard to significant others!!

Good luck!

Robin

 

[d_bossart]

Maybe this is a stupid question, but can I live off base during API and move my fiance down with me?

 

[ThetaWife]

Yes you can move off base actually that is what most do. My husband finished OCS in Jan. and I moved here on graduation day. Now we have a rent house and he is in IFS. Hope that helps.

Maybe this is a stupid question, but can I live off base during API and move my fiance down with me?

 

[zelda]

Definitely not an easy decision/choice, regardless of how you look at it. My story in a nutshell: I've been with my bf for over 4 years. We started dating way before he joined the Navy and he's now heading into Advanced. He has moved a bit (Pcola, CC, then heading back to Pcola), during which time I have actually stayed in my respective locations to work (SF, Boston, now SF). While the long distance has been extremely difficult, we have both decided that it would make most sense for the both of us if we waited to move in together after he gets his wings and stationed. This way, we feel that he has and will be able to focus on his studying & training, while I can keep my job and try and pay off my school loans (we both realize how much more difficult it would've been to do that had I moved around frequently with him).

At the end of the day, you guys should just consider what makes sense for the both of you now, in several months, and down the road in general.

Good luck,

Isela

 

[Mayday]

--My entire post removed due to late recognition of the above, uh, incredible record-span thread resurrection.
whoops...

 

[Fly Navy]

Good god, is this the thread resurrection of the century?