Motivational Statement

[HighDimension]

So that's 6 in the con side and 3 in the pro side. Would anyone else like to share?

Make it your own work but take it to an english teacher to check for grammatical errors if you're worried about it.

 

[BackOrdered]

Tell that to someone that is working two jobs and holding up a family in addition to going to class. Just because it was easy for you doesn't make it easy for everyone else.

I concur and this highlights another reason why these topics need to go. If anything, completing a 4 year degree under adverse circumstances is great thing to convey to the board about your character. Just becuase you had it easy navyboy4415, doesn't mean the topic creator has and if he were to listen to you, he would very well remove an aspect of his character qualities from his motivational statement that may help him. Trying to compare your life experiences to his through his motivational statement that is suppose to be about his life does more harm than good.

Make it your own work but take it to an english teacher to check for grammatical errors if you're worried about it.

Oh great, a neutral. With your enemies you know where they stand. But neutrals? They sicken me. j/k

 

[scoober78]

Review the application for commission. The application requests a motivational statement not a "personal statement".

From OPNAV 1420.1A

(3) A personally composed and signed one-page typed statement presenting reasons for desiring STA-21 participation and the applicant’s professional/vocational intentions in a specific designator of the URL of the U.S. Navy. Comprehension of and motivation for a selected designator(s) of the URL are of significance to the selection board. (Exceptions: STA-21 CEC Option, STA-21 Supply Corps Option, STA-21 Special Duty Officer (Intelligence, Cryptology), and STA-21 Nurse Corps Option applicants should address specific desires for their selected target group option.) Include name, rate/rank, and SSN on the statement. Ensure the statement is signed and dated.

Granted this is STA-21...but regardless, the verbage isn't the most important point...the intent is quite clear. Do you really think the board wants to hear the results of a group effort, or an editor massaging your words? Get real....

 

[navyboy4415]

Granted this is STA-21...but regardless, the verbage isn't the most important point...the intent is quite clear.

You are right scoober I was just being stubborn/argumentative. But I still think people should be allowed to post their statements

 

[KSUFLY]

18 posts and nobody has said much for suggestions on the actual essay...intersting!!!

 

[jride200]

Yes, the lack of any significant guidance is especially interesting given similiar posts I have seen, on this same site, in the very recent past. Did I come here on the wrong day? WTF? Once again, I'm not looking for you folks to write this for me. I'm just looking for general guidance.

 

[thenuge]

You are correct. No one is forcing anyone to read this thread. Presumably however, the poster intends people to read and comment on the statement...and herein we have a problem. Program applications request a personal statement. When someone seeks input and alters their statement because of that input, it ceases to be personal. That is our problem.

This process of soul searching is as you point out, "Part of becoming a Naval Officer" and one which you should do by yourself. If you are unable, or unwilling to undertake this "part", you should seek life elsewhere.

+1 on not allowing these threads any longer.

Fascinating. So, you didn't have anyone go over your statement? No proof reading or advice? You never sought input? I find that hard to believe. Not saying I don't believe it, just hard to.

 

[thull]

Okay ladies and gentlemen . . .

This is nothing new to this forum. I'd like to post a draft of my motivational statement. I hope to use the collective knowledge and learn how to make it better. Realizing the members of this community must read a lot of motivational statements, I hope you can think back to when you wrote your own statement and remember how important it was to you.

Thanks so much, Jason

---------------------------------------------------

As a child, I recall first seeing US Navy ships while vacationing with my grandparents in San Diego. I was, and I remain, in awe of the size and presence of naval ships. As an adult, naval ships have come to represent much more to me—so much so, in fact, that I now aspire to become a naval officer. Although difficult to do using so few words, it is my intent to summarize the reasons for my aspiration with this writing.

I seek a career after graduation representing more than corporate profits. I believe in the basic premise upon which the United States was founded, namely democracy, and I desire to enter the service of my fellow citizens empowered through democracy. Ours is a beautiful, vibrant nation with a colorful, diverse population and fascinating history and culture. Opportunities and freedoms, greater than those available anywhere else in the world, make me feel incredibly fortunate to be an American. I desire to protect these wonderful things.

It has been a difficult path earning my bachelor’s degree. I now seek another difficult path: to become a naval officer. I believe Enormous amounts of tradition, camaraderie, and above all, honor exist in the US Navy, and those qualities are a direct result of the quality of the leadership provided by naval officers. Both of my grandfathers were enlisted in the US Navy and they sweated in the boiler rooms of their respective ships. Each would tell stories reflecting upon the quality of leadership that they were given. I know that although they have both passed on, it would make them proud to see me become an officer like those they so respected.

As an aside, my first preference is to become a Naval Aviator. The Navy Flyer’s Creed states, “My countrymen built the best airplane in the world.” Naval aviation is a vivid example of our nation’s industrial, and resulting military, strength. Skilled workers in my hometown of St. Louis, Missouri build many naval aircraft and I feel I have a shared bond with the workers building these aircraft; I too have labored many an overnight shift in industry. I aspire to make the workers of America proud flying their aircraft with all of my dedication and determination. To again refer to the Navy Flyer’s Creed: “They and their way of life are worthy of my greatest protective effort.” I am ready to put forth this effort.

just quick: bold you should take out/reword. bold italics i'd add or something like it..

 

[scoober78]

Fascinating. So, you didn't have anyone go over your statement? No proof reading or advice? You never sought input? I find that hard to believe. Not saying I don't believe it, just hard to.

Yeah...I posted that reply, but I had tons of help writing my statement...:sleep_125

No...I was the input to my personal statement...well...Microsoft Word's spellcheck function helped.

 

[zab1001]

No...I was the input to my personal statement...well...Microsoft Word's spellcheck function helped.

Which still won't help when it comes to flow and elements of style. Not many college students can deliver a professionally acceptable statement on the first try. I know I couldn't.

You are correct. No one is forcing anyone to read this thread. Presumably however, the poster intends people to read and comment on the statement...and herein we have a problem. Program applications request a personal statement. When someone seeks input and alters their statement because of that input, it ceases to be personal. That is our problem.

By that logic, having anyone, from your parents to your friends to your recruiter review and make suggestions on a statement causes it to "cease to be personal"...Horsesh!t. There's no reason not to take advantage of this forum in regards to all parts of the application process. The majority of inputs from people regard grammar issues and understanding of the intent of the message.

In any project, utilization of every available resource and a willingness to accept professional constructive criticism is vital. Some of the statements posted for review may not be perfect, but I'm impressed by those who are willing to put their own writing up for review.

There's also the "pay it forward" benefit, who knows how many applicants read these threads and end up getting a better feel for what purpose of their statements really is?

+1 on not allowing these threads any longer.

No one is forcing you to read these posts.

I am going to suggest a new forum for this type of stuff though, for future use.

 

[RHPF]

Fascinating. So, you didn't have anyone go over your statement? No proof reading or advice? You never sought input? I find that hard to believe. Not saying I don't believe it, just hard to.

No...I was the input to my personal statement...well...Microsoft Word's spellcheck function helped.

+1 to that. I wrote my statement and let it sit for a week. Then, I looked at it again, and made some changes. Right before turning it in, I spent a night going through it for grammar issues. I managed to get picked up, so I guess I can't be a complete idiot. The thought of posting it on here never crossed my mind. To borrow from the Army WOFT Application:

"You will have to complete a signed, one page, handwritten, narrative addressing the statement "Why I want to be an Army Aviator". No assistance in preparation of the paper is authorized other than the use of a dictionary"

 

[PU Grad]

Yes, the lack of any significant guidance is especially interesting given similiar posts I have seen, on this same site, in the very recent past. Did I come here on the wrong day? WTF? Once again, I'm not looking for you folks to write this for me. I'm just looking for general guidance.

Unfortunately, the idea of posting their statements on here is a relatively new thing. Started in July, and people with the first few go ok I can help this guy out and give a few pointers. Now we have had 14 of them with half being in the last month.

I think it is just getting on the nerves of people who have been here for a while. You keep seeing the same questions over and over, but now they are happening a week apart. It also seems like most of these people are all applying to the exact same board.

My thoughts on this are that the content of what you say and how you say it should come from you. A spell/grammar check can be useful and I would suggest going to an English proffessor, your spouse, or the like for that kind of advice. It will help to keep your essay unique and different from everyone else.

I almost think some kind of vote or decree fromt he moderators/webmaster saying if these postings are acceptable. (I guess I could assume from the lack of moderating that they are accepatable. But some kind of word might be nice.

PU Grad

P.S. Maybe a vote or something from the masses on whether or not they like this trend.

P.P.S. It's funny, but I don't think anyone who has had their motivational statement reviewed has been accepted. Maybe it's just too recent of an occurance, or maybe we all suck at giving advice.

 

[BackOrdered]

I almost think some kind of vote or decree from the moderators/webmaster saying if these postings are acceptable. (I guess I could assume from the lack of moderating that they are acceptable. But some kind of word might be nice.

I'm all for it. There seems to be two sides to the issue. Perhaps a democratic solution will prevent anyone from feeling disenfranchised (so long as we use paper ballots).

P.P.S. It's funny, but I don't think anyone who has had their motivational statement reviewed has been accepted. Maybe it's just too recent of an occurance, or maybe we all suck at giving advice.

Same here.

 

[RockyMtnNFO]

I'm all for it. There seems to be two sides to the issue. Perhaps a democratic solution will prevent anyone from feeling disenfranchised (so long as we use paper ballots).




Same here.

I got a Democratic idea for you: Don't read the essay posts. If they are that annoying, don't clik on them. If it's to much trouble for you to click through maybe you need a stronger prescription for Ritalin. Do you guys want some cheese with your whine?

BTW, a well written essay is a product of several things and editing is one of them. I edit as many essays as I can that come through my district for style, structure and grammar; that does not cause the essay to become impersonal, just clearer and easier to read.

Would you have locker inspection at OCS without your buddies looking over it? Hells NO! That would be foolish. Would you send in your package without a processor checking the application? NO! And neither should you submit an essay without other eyes going over it.

I have had many applicants get in after my help with their essays. I am sure it was not a deciding factor, but a clearer, mored direct and readable essay can't hurt.

You don't wanna help? Fine, just let these guys get some knowledges from someone who can help without your belly aching.

 

[thenuge]

^^^ holla