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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

exNavyOffRec

Well-Known Member
56 5/5/6.
Borderline just good enough that my recruiter thought it was worth a shot. Thoughts on how the statement reads? I'm worried it comes off generic.
Talking about the volunteer work is good, the part about a rare opportunity is good, build on that, the rest eh....

How is your GPA? you are going to have to hope the board looks past the low ASTB, but given the 6 month wait to retest I would have said to go for it as well.
 

shawn2124

New Member
Please critique

My reasons for applying for a commission are twofold. First, I endeavor to expand and deepen my contribution to the U.S. Navy, and serving as a commissioned officer affords me the opportunity to lead and positively influence a greater number of sailors. Second, as befits the role of a commissioned officer, I will be entrusted with addressing and solving the complex management and strategic challenges faced by the Navy. As a commissioned naval officer, and avidly receiving increasing responsibility and authority, I can furnish my knowledge and experience to the evaluation and decision-making processes towards forging a success of the 21st century U.S. Navy enterprise.

My professional goals are to transition from the enlisted levels of management to obligations of increased scope and responsibility. And to better and more effectively employ the combined knowledge and skills acquired through vocational and technical training and tertiary-level education.

I believe, and I trust my Navy record will show, that at the core, I possess an indomitable spirit that contribute to my other character strengths: 1) a relentless drive and; 2) unyielding determination.

During my Navy career, I have qualified and performed in the position of P-3 and C-130T Flight Engineer, was appointed a NATOPS -130T Flight Engineer Instructor, became a full-systems C-130T Quality Assurance Representative, served as the Leading Petty Officer for 200 Division and NATOPS office (for which I received a Bravo Zulu subsequent to a Wing Inspection, and have trained and qualified (record the number) junior sailors on a the C-130T Auxiliary Power Unit and (list GSE, etc. . .)
 

Hair Warrior

Well-Known Member
Contributor
Please critique

My reasons for applying for a commission are twofold. First, I endeavor to expand and deepen my contribution to the U.S. Navy, and serving as a commissioned officer affords me the opportunity to lead and positively influence a greater number of sailors. Second, as befits the role of a commissioned officer, I will be entrusted with addressing and solving the complex management and strategic challenges faced by the Navy. As a commissioned naval officer, and avidly receiving increasing responsibility and authority, I can furnish my knowledge and experience to the evaluation and decision-making processes towards forging a success of the 21st century U.S. Navy enterprise.

My professional goals are to transition from the enlisted levels of management to obligations of increased scope and responsibility. And to better and more effectively employ the combined knowledge and skills acquired through vocational and technical training and tertiary-level education.

I believe, and I trust my Navy record will show, that at the core, I possess an indomitable spirit that contribute to my other character strengths: 1) a relentless drive and; 2) unyielding determination.

During my Navy career, I have qualified and performed in the position of P-3 and C-130T Flight Engineer, was appointed a NATOPS -130T Flight Engineer Instructor, became a full-systems C-130T Quality Assurance Representative, served as the Leading Petty Officer for 200 Division and NATOPS office (for which I received a Bravo Zulu subsequent to a Wing Inspection, and have trained and qualified (record the number) junior sailors on a the C-130T Auxiliary Power Unit and (list GSE, etc. . .)
My $0.02:

The writing seems a bit over-wrought. By that, I mean it's not succinct or direct.

Try this: Wherever you can replace two words with one word, do it. Wherever you can replace two syllables with one syllable, do it.

Wash the barnacles off of your writing.

For example...

You wrote: "My reasons for applying for a commission are twofold. First, I endeavor to expand and deepen my contribution to the U.S. Navy, and serving as a commissioned officer affords me the opportunity to lead and positively influence a greater number of sailors."

Instead: "I am seeking a commission for two reasons: to contribute meaningfully to the U.S. Navy's mission and to be a positive, leading influence on my shipmates."

You wrote: "Second, as befits the role of a commissioned officer, I will be entrusted with addressing and solving the complex management and strategic challenges faced by the Navy."

Instead: "I recognize and welcome the fact that every commissioned officer is entrusted with overcoming complex challenges."

You wrote: "As a commissioned naval officer, and avidly receiving increasing responsibility and authority, I can furnish my knowledge and experience to the evaluation and decision-making processes towards forging a success of the 21st century U.S. Navy enterprise."

Instead: "In joining our modern Navy, I intend to apply my knowledge and experience in _____[something you've done... 3-4 words max]____ to the responsibilities of tough, important decisions that naval officers face regularly."

Overall, yours: "My reasons for applying for a commission are twofold. First, I endeavor to expand and deepen my contribution to the U.S. Navy, and serving as a commissioned officer affords me the opportunity to lead and positively influence a greater number of sailors. Second, as befits the role of a commissioned officer, I will be entrusted with addressing and solving the complex management and strategic challenges faced by the Navy. As a commissioned naval officer, and avidly receiving increasing responsibility and authority, I can furnish my knowledge and experience to the evaluation and decision-making processes towards forging a success of the 21st century U.S. Navy enterprise."

Revised: "I am seeking a commission for two reasons: to contribute meaningfully to the U.S. Navy's mission and to be a positive, leading influence on my shipmates. I recognize and welcome the fact that every commissioned officer is entrusted with overcoming complex challenges. In joining our modern Navy, I intend to apply my knowledge and experience in _____[something you've done... 3-4 words max]____ to the responsibilities of tough, important decisions that naval officers face regularly."

But I am not in the mil, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
 

speedroller

Rangers
Talking about the volunteer work is good, the part about a rare opportunity is good, build on that, the rest eh....

How is your GPA? you are going to have to hope the board looks past the low ASTB, but given the 6 month wait to retest I would have said to go for it as well.

Six month re test wait? Where do the 90 days come in play?
 

Shane Flesher

New Member
First off thank you to everyone with the useful gouge provided. Took the ASTB last week and obtained a score of 51/6/7/7. Books that I used to study were the ARCO GMAT and ASTB-E study guide by Accepted. I have been working on my motivational statement and was hoping for some feedback on it as well as general feedback as far as gpa, scores and motivational statement go.

ASTB: 51/6/7/7
GPA: 3.34
Majors: Criminal Justice, Psychology
Minor: Political Science
School: Washington State University
Top three choices: NA/NFO/SWO



As a college graduate I knew I wanted to protect fellow Americans and the best way for me to do that is to join the United States Navy as an officer. Growing up as an outdoorsman and an athlete I quickly learned how to work as a member of a team as well as how to work by myself when necessary. I greatly value both of these traits because during different times in life both are necessary. These two traits taught me how to be successful while I went to college. Being successful throughout my college years allowed me to work two jobs, maintain good study habits and graduate early with a double major in Criminal Justice, Psychology and obtain a minor in Political Science all simultaneously. The hardships and long hours during these years have prepared me for the challenges and hardships ahead in life.



Growing up in the United States has allowed me numerous freedoms and liberties not available anywhere else in the world. All of these freedoms and liberties have come from an insurmountable cost, the cost of life from countless individuals before me. Those that have made the ultimate sacrifice while serving in the United States have allowed all Americans to live free and safe. I am going to do my part to protect the interests, freedoms and liberties of the United States through my association with the United States Navy.



My grandfather, who served in the Army during the Korean War, taught me that there is no greater sense of accomplishment and pride than serving in the United States military. Given the opportunity to become an officer in the United States Navy will give me the ultimate sense of accomplishment and pride for my country. That accomplishment and pride will immediately coincide with dedication, commitment and nationalism.



Throughout my life I have always had the desire and dedication to protect and serve. Beginning with my friends referring to me as “dad” because I am the go-to person in times of difficulty and need. While in college I served as the Risk Manager of Sigma Alpha Epsilon at Washington State University. The job required me to ensure the safety and protection of every person within the house at all times. Although these scenarios are on a minute scale compared to the United States Navy, they have taught me how to stay calm and keep others calm in times of chaos as well as how to lead and motivate others to attain an important goal during those times of chaos. An opportunity to join the United States Navy as an officer is my next and ultimate goal because I would be protecting every American on a global scale. My dedication and desire to protect and serve fellow Americans would be an ideal asset for the United States Navy because of my willingness to go the extra mile, do what others are not willing nor capable of doing and desire to learn how to be a better man.



From speaking to others that have served I have learned that a successful member of the military is a dedicated and committed individual. I have also learned that in order to be a successful officer in the United States Navy one must be overly dedicated, committed, proud and passionate about their country no matter what the circumstances. Lastly, in order to be a successful officer in the United States Navy I have learned that one must be proud and thankful of those that have served in the past and be prepared to make any and all sacrifices required to protect the United States of America.


Thanks again everyone. Be harsh with the feedback please and good luck to everyone!
 

mb1685

Well-Known Member
Hi everyone,

I'd appreciate getting some feedback on my Motivational Statement draft if anyone is willing to take a look. I tried to discuss a little bit of my moral character/philosophy but also provide more concrete facts about things I've done, as well as address weaknesses and oddities (mediocre GPA, former AFROTC cadet). I am applying for SNA.

Motivational Statement as follows:



I believe that caring for one's community is the most beneficial focus that a person can have. It is the desire to regularly lend a helping hand to those around you that creates an environment which fosters a collective selflessness. Leadership is contagious when it is carried out by example and its benefits can be observed. I have made it a goal in my life to be the kind of leader who inspires others to do all they can to serve their communities.

During high school, I provided my community with important local updates by producing a journalism-focused radio show that aired weekly. I conducted interviews with classmates, parents, and other locals and often dedicated segments to their thoughts to ensure their concerns were heard. I also assisted my hometown’s Chamber of Commerce with event planning, and often helped my father take photographs for the local newspaper. I took great satisfaction in contributing to the well-being of the local community.

I have always had a strong desire to serve my country, and I enrolled in the Air Force ROTC program when I began school at Angelo State University. Throughout the program, I took initiative to help the detachment and my fellow cadets excel when faced with opportunities and challenges. I coordinated with the university and local businesses to organize fundraising events which aided the detachment in its ability to support cadets. I also photographed many detachment events and wrote editorials for newsletters which were disseminated weekly in order to keep cadets informed. In addition, I was presented with the fantastic opportunity to attend a Professional Development Training trip to Davis-Monthan AFB, in which I learned valuable lessons about leadership and teamwork by observing active duty Air Force operations. However, when it became clear that my changes in my course schedules would prolong my expected graduation date, I voluntarily left the program, intending to pursue Air Force Officer Training School in the future. Since then, I have done extensive research and talked to many members of both the Air Force and the Navy, and have decided that I am more drawn to the Navy’s mission focuses.

Throughout my time at Angelo State University and later Texas State University, I put great effort into maximizing my time-management skills by working to support myself and attending classes simultaneously, often working 12-hour and 16-hour shifts to accommodate scheduling demands. Despite my efforts, my grades sometimes suffered, leading to a final GPA of 3.11. However, my persistence did allow me to make the Dean’s List twice while working full-time at the local airport’s fixed-based operator and attending school full-time, in addition to producing projects for the university’s TV and radio news shows.

Since conferring my degree, I have continued to put forth effort into helping my community, and have done volunteer work with Meals on Wheels and More, the Golden Hat Foundation, the Entrepreneurs Foundation, and the Keep Austin Beautiful program. At my current job in the Marketing department of an e-commerce website, I have regularly taken initiative by volunteering to take on extra projects, and I often find new approaches to solving problems which sometimes become best practices for our team. I recently oversaw the launch of our successful vast website redesign project and was responsible for preventing, finding, and resolving all issues related to the Marketing department. I also maintained growth in important performance metrics for my department even after my immediate supervisor left the company and was not replaced for over 3 months.

I feel that putting the needs of others before your own is the most effective way to create a better world, whether on a micro-level, like caring for a family, or on a larger level, like serving your nation. I have strived to lead by example throughout the communities I have been involved with, and I feel that my determination to put the needs of others before myself would be a valuable contribution to this nation's armed forces. Although I left the Air Force ROTC program, my desire to serve has never faltered, and I am fully committed to seeking a commission in the United States Navy. I earnestly believe that I possess the necessary attributes, motivation, and love of country to serve faithfully and effectively.
 

speedroller

Rangers
My take at it, a quick draft I put together. Any comments, criticism is welcome.

_________________________________________________________________________________________
To the members of the board,


Honor, courage,commitment,values that are embedded in United States Navy since the day it was born. I am a true believer that tomorrow's leaders exhibit those values and further outreach to better themselves and those who they inspire.


I am proud to say that I've become a part of this great nation and country as a naturalized U.S. Citizen. The road leading up to that point was no walk in the park, but all great things have to be fought for. That is what I've learned here in my short eight year stay. Anything and everything is possible with the right willingness to earn it. The freedom that people sometimes take for granted, the luxury that this country offers, men and woman of the service have sacrificed their lives to make this country the greatest democracy in the world. I have great respect for those who serve and I want to contribute to continue preserve this nations freedoms and safeguard those who can't themselves.


I chose to pursue the Naval Officer career because I believe I have the leadership characteristics, motivation and courage to meet and exceed the most demanding circumstances that being an officer exhibits. Throughout my career in aerospace industry I've earned the positions that I've been and am currently filling. I believe that the title of Naval Officer has to be earned, and that is why I this career field suits me. Challenges are not always measured by how great or little they are but how ones ability to solve and overcome them is what matters.


During my career in aerospace industry I was fortunate to be able to grow and show potential. I started off as a C structures mechanic right out of college when I graduated with my associates degree and earned my FAA Airframe license. This gave me great taste of what team work actually was, from there I was able to work in a team environment and eventually develop into a team leader. My drive to better myself never stops, few years after my start as a structures mechanic I applied for my current position, Associate Program Manager for all engineering project that the company has. From this position I've learned leadership characteristics, teamwork, professionalism and problem solving. Managing a project pushes me to show strength when weakness or difficulty presents itself, I always try to cause positive change within those of who I lead.


My endeavors in life never stop, I am a volunteer fire fighter, helping community that one is part of is something I can proudly say I do. From this experience, courage is the greatest attribute I can take from. Whether that may be going into a structure fire, performing vehicle extraction or saving a life in an ambulance on your way to the hospital, courage is something one has or not.

I am also FAA licensed private pilot, flying is a great experience I like to share with others. I've participated in various aviation career day events, because I believe that with the positive experiences and success that I've had, I am inspiring young minds to consider aerospace industry as their potential future careers.


I am committed to tasks at hand and exhibit leadership traits. Nothing has been given to me, everything I have, I've earned. My decision to apply for Navy's officer programs and attend OCS has been my goal since I've stepped foot on U.S. soil. I have the motivation to start and courage to finish.
 

usnavymle

Pro-Rec Y IW
Alright, here are my personal statements. I was selected first-time for IW, and don't necessarily thing these statements were the deciding factor. However, I did clearly state my goals, why I wanted to commission (specifically as an IW), and what my qualifications were:

KPa76De.jpg


This Honor, Courage, Commitment statement is the cheese (like three-cheese lasagna cheesy), but maybe it worked; I dunno. If you can look past the ship metaphor, the importance of each value as it relates to leadership is pretty good (I think):

8Rt4H23.png
 

swerdna

Active Member
None
Contributor
First off thank you to everyone with the useful gouge provided. Took the ASTB last week and obtained a score of 51/6/7/7. Books that I used to study were the ARCO GMAT and ASTB-E study guide by Accepted. I have been working on my motivational statement and was hoping for some feedback on it as well as general feedback as far as gpa, scores and motivational statement go.

ASTB: 51/6/7/7
GPA: 3.34
Majors: Criminal Justice, Psychology
Minor: Political Science
School: Washington State University
Top three choices: NA/NFO/SWO



As a college graduate I knew I wanted to protect fellow Americans and the best way for me to do that is to join the United States Navy as an officer. Growing up as an outdoorsman and an athlete I quickly learned how to work as a member of a team as well as how to work by myself when necessary. I greatly value both of these traits because during different times in life both are necessary. These two traits taught me how to be successful while I went to college. Being successful throughout my college years allowed me to work two jobs, maintain good study habits and graduate early with a double major in Criminal Justice, Psychology and obtain a minor in Political Science all simultaneously. The hardships and long hours during these years have prepared me for the challenges and hardships ahead in life.



Growing up in the United States has allowed me numerous freedoms and liberties not available anywhere else in the world. All of these freedoms and liberties have come from an insurmountable cost, the cost of life from countless individuals before me. Those that have made the ultimate sacrifice while serving in the United States have allowed all Americans to live free and safe. I am going to do my part to protect the interests, freedoms and liberties of the United States through my association with the United States Navy.



My grandfather, who served in the Army during the Korean War, taught me that there is no greater sense of accomplishment and pride than serving in the United States military. Given the opportunity to become an officer in the United States Navy will give me the ultimate sense of accomplishment and pride for my country. That accomplishment and pride will immediately coincide with dedication, commitment and nationalism.



Throughout my life I have always had the desire and dedication to protect and serve. Beginning with my friends referring to me as “dad” because I am the go-to person in times of difficulty and need. While in college I served as the Risk Manager of Sigma Alpha Epsilon at Washington State University. The job required me to ensure the safety and protection of every person within the house at all times. Although these scenarios are on a minute scale compared to the United States Navy, they have taught me how to stay calm and keep others calm in times of chaos as well as how to lead and motivate others to attain an important goal during those times of chaos. An opportunity to join the United States Navy as an officer is my next and ultimate goal because I would be protecting every American on a global scale. My dedication and desire to protect and serve fellow Americans would be an ideal asset for the United States Navy because of my willingness to go the extra mile, do what others are not willing nor capable of doing and desire to learn how to be a better man.



From speaking to others that have served I have learned that a successful member of the military is a dedicated and committed individual. I have also learned that in order to be a successful officer in the United States Navy one must be overly dedicated, committed, proud and passionate about their country no matter what the circumstances. Lastly, in order to be a successful officer in the United States Navy I have learned that one must be proud and thankful of those that have served in the past and be prepared to make any and all sacrifices required to protect the United States of America.


Thanks again everyone. Be harsh with the feedback please and good luck to everyone!

Not bad, considering you went to the second-best university in Washington (I'm a Husky)!

A few things:
- Try to get rid of the repeat words. In a two-line paragraph you have the phrase "accomplishment and pride" three times. It sounds repetitive and you've done this with several other words.
- There are a few run-on sentences, especially the first one. What does being a college graduate have to do with wanting to protect your fellow Americans? It seems strange you would put that in there.
- Get rid of "nationalism" ASAP, that word has very strong negative connotations. "Patriotism" would be much, much better.
- Try to focus more on your achievements and why they make you a good candidate. You served as Risk Manager and helped people, but why?
- Some of the lines explain pride and sacrifice, which is fine, but remember that a board is going to want to know why they should choose you over the next guy. This is your chance to give them a reason to pick you, think of it like a job interview. Don't explain what they already know, tell them why you're the best - show don't tell.

Good luck!
 

swerdna

Active Member
None
Contributor
Hi everyone,

I'd appreciate getting some feedback on my Motivational Statement draft if anyone is willing to take a look. I tried to discuss a little bit of my moral character/philosophy but also provide more concrete facts about things I've done, as well as address weaknesses and oddities (mediocre GPA, former AFROTC cadet). I am applying for SNA.

Motivational Statement as follows:



I believe that caring for one's community is the most beneficial focus that a person can have. It is the desire to regularly lend a helping hand to those around you that creates an environment which fosters a collective selflessness. Leadership is contagious when it is carried out by example and its benefits can be observed. I have made it a goal in my life to be the kind of leader who inspires others to do all they can to serve their communities.

During high school, I provided my community with important local updates by producing a journalism-focused radio show that aired weekly. I conducted interviews with classmates, parents, and other locals and often dedicated segments to their thoughts to ensure their concerns were heard. I also assisted my hometown’s Chamber of Commerce with event planning, and often helped my father take photographs for the local newspaper. I took great satisfaction in contributing to the well-being of the local community.

I have always had a strong desire to serve my country, and I enrolled in the Air Force ROTC program when I began school at Angelo State University. Throughout the program, I took initiative to help the detachment and my fellow cadets excel when faced with opportunities and challenges. I coordinated with the university and local businesses to organize fundraising events which aided the detachment in its ability to support cadets. I also photographed many detachment events and wrote editorials for newsletters which were disseminated weekly in order to keep cadets informed. In addition, I was presented with the fantastic opportunity to attend a Professional Development Training trip to Davis-Monthan AFB, in which I learned valuable lessons about leadership and teamwork by observing active duty Air Force operations. However, when it became clear that my changes in my course schedules would prolong my expected graduation date, I voluntarily left the program, intending to pursue Air Force Officer Training School in the future. Since then, I have done extensive research and talked to many members of both the Air Force and the Navy, and have decided that I am more drawn to the Navy’s mission focuses.

Throughout my time at Angelo State University and later Texas State University, I put great effort into maximizing my time-management skills by working to support myself and attending classes simultaneously, often working 12-hour and 16-hour shifts to accommodate scheduling demands. Despite my efforts, my grades sometimes suffered, leading to a final GPA of 3.11. However, my persistence did allow me to make the Dean’s List twice while working full-time at the local airport’s fixed-based operator and attending school full-time, in addition to producing projects for the university’s TV and radio news shows.

Since conferring my degree, I have continued to put forth effort into helping my community, and have done volunteer work with Meals on Wheels and More, the Golden Hat Foundation, the Entrepreneurs Foundation, and the Keep Austin Beautiful program. At my current job in the Marketing department of an e-commerce website, I have regularly taken initiative by volunteering to take on extra projects, and I often find new approaches to solving problems which sometimes become best practices for our team. I recently oversaw the launch of our successful vast website redesign project and was responsible for preventing, finding, and resolving all issues related to the Marketing department. I also maintained growth in important performance metrics for my department even after my immediate supervisor left the company and was not replaced for over 3 months.

I feel that putting the needs of others before your own is the most effective way to create a better world, whether on a micro-level, like caring for a family, or on a larger level, like serving your nation. I have strived to lead by example throughout the communities I have been involved with, and I feel that my determination to put the needs of others before myself would be a valuable contribution to this nation's armed forces. Although I left the Air Force ROTC program, my desire to serve has never faltered, and I am fully committed to seeking a commission in the United States Navy. I earnestly believe that I possess the necessary attributes, motivation, and love of country to serve faithfully and effectively.

This statement is really good. I think you only need to modify one thing, this line "have decided that I am more drawn to the Navy’s mission focuses" because I'm not really sure what you mean. You could just say something like you feel better-suited for the Navy than the AF. The wording on that sentence just sounds strange. Otherwise very good!

Good luck!
 

swerdna

Active Member
None
Contributor
My take at it, a quick draft I put together. Any comments, criticism is welcome.

_________________________________________________________________________________________
To the members of the board,


Honor, courage,commitment,values that are embedded in United States Navy since the day it was born. I am a true believer that tomorrow's leaders exhibit those values and further outreach to better themselves and those who they inspire.


I am proud to say that I've become a part of this great nation and country as a naturalized U.S. Citizen. The road leading up to that point was no walk in the park, but all great things have to be fought for. That is what I've learned here in my short eight year stay. Anything and everything is possible with the right willingness to earn it. The freedom that people sometimes take for granted, the luxury that this country offers, men and woman of the service have sacrificed their lives to make this country the greatest democracy in the world. I have great respect for those who serve and I want to contribute to continue preserve this nations freedoms and safeguard those who can't themselves.


I chose to pursue the Naval Officer career because I believe I have the leadership characteristics, motivation and courage to meet and exceed the most demanding circumstances that being an officer exhibits. Throughout my career in aerospace industry I've earned the positions that I've been and am currently filling. I believe that the title of Naval Officer has to be earned, and that is why I this career field suits me. Challenges are not always measured by how great or little they are but how ones ability to solve and overcome them is what matters.


During my career in aerospace industry I was fortunate to be able to grow and show potential. I started off as a C structures mechanic right out of college when I graduated with my associates degree and earned my FAA Airframe license. This gave me great taste of what team work actually was, from there I was able to work in a team environment and eventually develop into a team leader. My drive to better myself never stops, few years after my start as a structures mechanic I applied for my current position, Associate Program Manager for all engineering project that the company has. From this position I've learned leadership characteristics, teamwork, professionalism and problem solving. Managing a project pushes me to show strength when weakness or difficulty presents itself, I always try to cause positive change within those of who I lead.


My endeavors in life never stop, I am a volunteer fire fighter, helping community that one is part of is something I can proudly say I do. From this experience, courage is the greatest attribute I can take from. Whether that may be going into a structure fire, performing vehicle extraction or saving a life in an ambulance on your way to the hospital, courage is something one has or not.

I am also FAA licensed private pilot, flying is a great experience I like to share with others. I've participated in various aviation career day events, because I believe that with the positive experiences and success that I've had, I am inspiring young minds to consider aerospace industry as their potential future careers.


I am committed to tasks at hand and exhibit leadership traits. Nothing has been given to me, everything I have, I've earned. My decision to apply for Navy's officer programs and attend OCS has been my goal since I've stepped foot on U.S. soil. I have the motivation to start and courage to finish.

The statement as a whole is good, but you've got quite a few grammatical errors that need to be fixed. There are punctuation marks missing, wrong prepositions, and some of the verb conjugation is off. Just review those, fix them, and you should be good to go.

Good luck!
 

mb1685

Well-Known Member
This statement is really good. I think you only need to modify one thing, this line "have decided that I am more drawn to the Navy’s mission focuses" because I'm not really sure what you mean. You could just say something like you feel better-suited for the Navy than the AF. The wording on that sentence just sounds strange. Otherwise very good!

Good luck!

Thank you very much for the feedback! It is greatly appreciated.
 

speedroller

Rangers
The statement as a whole is good, but you've got quite a few grammatical errors that need to be fixed. There are punctuation marks missing, wrong prepositions, and some of the verb conjugation is off. Just review those, fix them, and you should be good to go.

Good luck!
Thank you for your input. I've revised the statement since I posted that here.
 

BlueSky94

Member
Keep in mind, I'm currently a Junior so I might add more useful experiences that will be of interest to the "whole package". Here it is

--------------------------------------------------------

I can recall a memory that shaped my calling in life. The time when our 5th grade class discussed World War II with a focus on Pearl Harbor and the resulting War in the Pacific. I became fascinated with the subject and took to library books and the Internet to read about the battles our Navy fought and the heroes that emerged from them.


Born in Syria, my parents immigrated to the United States when I was eight months of age. As I grew up in America, I started to learn about our democracy’s influence on the world and the service members who gave their lives to make it possible. I felt blessed to be a part of this country and community. By researching the Navy during my middle and high school years, I developed a desire to wanting to lead and influence others to become better individuals.


When I began my studies at the University of Texas-Pan American, my academic and career goals were not set in stone as I was adjusting to college life. My first major was computer science, a field where I invested so much thought into a profitable job, instead of realizing my true intellectual pursuits and how they can aspire others into taking a deeper understanding of the subject matter.


Once I switched to Mathematics with physics minor, I began to discover more about my potential in life. My GPA rose to a 3.4 in the last semester and I became more involved in volunteer activities such as babysitting children from abusive homes and building sidewalks for poor communities. I joined several sports clubs on campus and set higher standards for myself on physical fitness and personal health.


As I transfer to the University of Houston in the fall to finish my last two years for my Bachelor’s degree, I look forward to expanding my leadership capabilities and take advantage of my strengths to set an example for those willing to improve themselves. I hope to create a legacy that future generations can look forward to in times of trouble.


I have many experiences that help shape me as an individual, including obstacles. The most significant of them is working as an overnight cashier last fall as I was attending school. The work was tiring, as I also had to prepare for my final exams while providing customer service 30 hours per week. This taught me crucial time management skills which are high on a leader’s priorities since one must stay calm when presiding over a team or company in times of uncertainty.


This is why I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy. I hope to use my talents and abilities to benefit the Armed Services. I understand the responsibility and stress induced environments that come with such a position, but I am certain that my commitment to integrity, honor, and selflessness would be equal to the task as serving my country as a United States Naval Officer.

-------------------------------------
P.S. I know it might sound weird, but since there's a bloody war in Syria right now, it might help if I put "born in the Middle East". Just my .02
 
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