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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
Maybe a little corny here and there but I think that was overlooked because of how effective your message was at coming across. I think you nailed it based on just the middle paragraph and a couple of sentences in the first and last paragraphs. The rest of it was just information about you (which really showed who you are) that supported the rest of the statement. Oh and I also love how concise you were with your message.
GREAT JOB!
Good Evening Everyone,
I'm GPA from the USNAVYOCS forums and am in the process of submitting an application. If you would kindly review my motivational statement it would be greatly appreciated. I understand that brevity is important so I will start trimming down my motivational statement to less than 400 words after I receive critiques. After observing other Motivational Statements this is what I've created. Thank you all for your time.
(526 words)
Joining the world's premier Naval fighting force as an Officer will give me the experience of a lifetime... unmatched in the civilian sector. It is my aspiration to join the Navy to contribute to its core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment.
The combination of Competence, Honor, and Leadership are three qualities which are essential values when seeking a commission into the United States Navy. The combination of these three values are the core of my motivation to become a Naval Officer. I am privileged to be under the board's consideration and am honored to have the opportunity.
Competence is essential for Naval Officers as they have the responsibility to know what they are doing as Managers in the Navy. In recent years, I have worked hard to attain an undergraduate degree in Public Administration as well as a Masters degree in Health Care Administration. I balanced full-time work as an IT Technician and full-time graduate study to earn my Masters degree. My goal is to become a Supply Officer and I am confident in my advanced administrative knowledge to perform what is expected of me to the best of my ability.
Honor is required to earn respect and bestow respect upon others. During my 1 year period as an Air Force ROTC cadet I was an Officer in an extra-curricular organization called Silver Wings. In that organization I led a team of both cadets and civilians in a Project called "Valentine's for Vets" . I gathered Valentine's Day Cards from 6th grade Middle schoolers and was assisted by Silver Wings members in distributing those cards to Veterans at the VA hospital in La Jolla, California. To respect Veterans for their sacrifice is an honor that I am privileged to have undertaken during my time as an Air Force Cadet.
Leadership is the core essential of what being a Naval Officer is all about. The ability to lead and make decisions in a timely manner under stress is an ability in which I have proven myself in many ways. One of which was having an Officer position in San Diego State's Japanese Student Association as a non-Japanese member. As one of its founding Officers there were unique challenges and the Officer position of "Coordinator" was essential in that I had to recruit Japanese language students into the club while my counterpart recruited Japanese foreign nationals. Through numerous presentations and the ability to recruit fellow classmates into the organization JSA grew more each year in numbers. As an Officer I had the additional duties of keeping track of membership, ensuring members' continued interest in the club, maintaining an e-mail list, video editing filmed events, etc. All of which contributed to my leadership experience. To this day, I still keep in touch with many JSA members as they have become my extended family.
I believe that my Competence, Honor, and Leadership qualities coupled with my life experience will render me a valuable asset to the United States Navy. As one of the most revered professions in the United States, membership in the Naval Officer Corps will give me the leverage necessary to continue the Navy's tradition of excellence.
I'm GPA from the USNAVYOCS forums and am in the process of submitting an application. If you would kindly review my motivational statement it would be greatly appreciated. I understand that brevity is important so I will start trimming down my motivational statement to less than 400 words after I receive critiques. After observing other Motivational Statements this is what I've created. Thank you all for your time.
(526 words)
Joining the world's premier Naval fighting force as an Officer will give me the experience of a lifetime... unmatched in the civilian sector. It is my aspiration to join the Navy to contribute to its core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment.
The combination of Competence, Honor, and Leadership are three qualities which are essential values when seeking a commission into the United States Navy. The combination of these three values are the core of my motivation to become a Naval Officer. I am privileged to be under the board's consideration and am honored to have the opportunity.
Competence is essential for Naval Officers as they have the responsibility to know what they are doing as Managers in the Navy. In recent years, I have worked hard to attain an undergraduate degree in Public Administration as well as a Masters degree in Health Care Administration. I balanced full-time work as an IT Technician and full-time graduate study to earn my Masters degree. My goal is to become a Supply Officer and I am confident in my advanced administrative knowledge to perform what is expected of me to the best of my ability.
Honor is required to earn respect and bestow respect upon others. During my 1 year period as an Air Force ROTC cadet I was an Officer in an extra-curricular organization called Silver Wings. In that organization I led a team of both cadets and civilians in a Project called "Valentine's for Vets" . I gathered Valentine's Day Cards from 6th grade Middle schoolers and was assisted by Silver Wings members in distributing those cards to Veterans at the VA hospital in La Jolla, California. To respect Veterans for their sacrifice is an honor that I am privileged to have undertaken during my time as an Air Force Cadet.
Leadership is the core essential of what being a Naval Officer is all about. The ability to lead and make decisions in a timely manner under stress is an ability in which I have proven myself in many ways. One of which was having an Officer position in San Diego State's Japanese Student Association as a non-Japanese member. As one of its founding Officers there were unique challenges and the Officer position of "Coordinator" was essential in that I had to recruit Japanese language students into the club while my counterpart recruited Japanese foreign nationals. Through numerous presentations and the ability to recruit fellow classmates into the organization JSA grew more each year in numbers. As an Officer I had the additional duties of keeping track of membership, ensuring members' continued interest in the club, maintaining an e-mail list, video editing filmed events, etc. All of which contributed to my leadership experience. To this day, I still keep in touch with many JSA members as they have become my extended family.
I believe that my Competence, Honor, and Leadership qualities coupled with my life experience will render me a valuable asset to the United States Navy. As one of the most revered professions in the United States, membership in the Naval Officer Corps will give me the leverage necessary to continue the Navy's tradition of excellence.
X
xxxCharliexxx
Guest
Find a new starting paragraph. "world's premier Naval fighting force" just sounds like you want to be one of the cool guys...
Yes, they are a few values that one should have when thinking about becoming an Officer but what does it have to do with you?
The combination of these three values are the core of your motivation...Not bad, but try something more sincere and not forced like "It is these very core values that I have instilled within me that drive my motivation to become a Naval Officer". The opportunity is a great thing to talk about - but I wouldn't mention being under the board's consideration - perhaps something like "I am honored to have this opportunity to serve my country as a leader."
No, no, no. I would strongly advise against you using the words "manager" in any motivational statement. I understand that you are in essence applying for a "management" type of position (or actually, you are apply to the military equivalent) and you need to have demonstrated the ability to manage (technically you need to demonstrate the ability to lead) but again, I advise against the use of the word in the statement. You are a leader in the U.S. Navy. You are a mentor in the U.S. Navy. You are a guide in the U.S. Navy. You are "manager" at "Old Navy".
AH!!! I see "YOU" finally! This actually summarizes nicely everything in your packet into a very few, concise statements and I finally get an idea of who "you" are. Very good. I would add in there anything you can about "leading" or "mentoring" others though - did you tutor, did you mentor new-hires at work, did you seek adventures (climb, mountaineer, get qualified in something off-hand like CPR) as well? Risk vs reward sort of thing? That shows you know how to gauge situations and also make quick decisions while reducing your personal risk to you or others. And it says a TON about you in a matter of roughly a sentence or two.
First sentence "Honor is required to earn respect and bestow respect upon others." - Again, doesn't say anything about you. (It's also called "passive voice" - if you don't know what that is, look it up soon. It will kill any paper, cover letter, or personal statement you ever write.) It's a blank general statement like before and you lost me. Just learn to change it to a personal statement - "I learned early on that to earn respect or to bestow respect for others, Honor is not just a character trait, it is a requirement". You nailed the rest of the paragraph because again, I finally get to read about you instead of canned statements. (Except you have another "passive voice" sentence when you say "I gathered Valentine's Day Cards from 6th grade Middle schoolers and was assisted by Silver Wings members in distributing those cards to Veterans at the VA hospital in La Jolla, California." - Change to something active (and maybe break into two sentences or shorten) - "While assisted by Silver Wings members, I gathered Valentine's Day Cards from 6th graders to distribute to Veterans at the VA hospital in La Jolla, CA."
You keep doing this - you start every paragraph with these blank general statements - a common mistake. If you are simply seeking a transition to a new paragraph, set it up in the previous paragraph and flow directly into the next. Or start this paragraph with "Along with Honor, another key trait of a Naval Officer that I have demonstrated in my life is Leadership". And rephrase the second sentence. You are transitioning into what you have done to prove your leadership here (so some of what I said earlier can apply here instead) but this second sentence is a weak transition. Be more "you".
This again is good because it says a lot about you but far too lengthy. People tend to so this at the end of statements because they get "wrapped up" in writing and let it flow....be concise. Another tip - never (read: EVER) put "etc." But otherwise, great insight into who you are....just shorten it. And you already said it was proof of your leadership experience so no need to say it in the second to last sentence here.
"competence"? Another word for competence is "adequacy". It's not a strong word at all in a motivational statement. There are plenty of other character traits that you can use that are solid. "Honor, courage, leadership, and unwavering commitment". "life expereince" - make that plural. I would make the suggestion also of re-wording "will make me a valuable asset" - yes, they want to know that you bring something to the table but they also don't want it rubbed in their face. "...coupled with my life experiences have prepared me for this leadership opportunity with the U.S. Navy". And I would also reword the last sentence with "leverage" - it nearly sounds like you want to use your title as Naval Officer as leverage, even though I know that's not what you mean.
End with a strong statement. You are basically saying that the culmination of your upbringing and life experiences has led you to this great moment. So end with a great statement.
It's late so I'm not very eloquent so I apologize if this is very blunt. I can see that you really want to impress upon them some key character traits but as it stands, it sounds made up, canned, and I only see glimpses of your true self.
-Charlie
Lucy,
Thanks for your input! I was actually worrying about that as well. During the year that I was an Air Force cadet I was taking very tough classes at the same time on top of Air Force ROTC. Roughly 18 units (Statistics, Calculus, Japanese, etc.) total in addition to part-time work. Silver Wings was a community service organization that I did at the same time. (Had to go to meetings, community service events to support fellow members, etc.)
When my GPA started suffering the more intense ROTC became with Field Training prep I decided to focus on academics. It's tough finding the positive aspect of quitting ROTC but one thing I can think of was it teaching me the importance of time management.
xxxCharliexxx,
Forgive me for the format in which I'll reply as it's late. (^_^)^
1. Opening paragraph was the hardest for me to come up with. I didn't want to start with something standard like "My name is _______ and I want to become a Naval Officer." I'll definitely rethink it!
2. You're right, it seems like it was thrown in there. I was originally thinking of using those three values. I should use these three instead of my current three.
3. Thanks for the re-wording. I have a tendency to be overly formal so it may not have come across as genuine.
4. I understand your point and that makes sense. I won't use manager.
I just remembered reading something on how Enlisted personnel are "specialists" and Officers are "managers".
5. When I was an Officer in JSA we had something called a "Conversation Hour" and I was a conversation partner to foreign nationals in Japan. I tutored "Conversational English". I'll use examples like that. I also tutored internal users when I was an IT Technician but teaching someone how to display a PDF file in a browser probably doesn't count.
6. Very good insight. I was trying to avoid a lot of "I" and "Me" statements. You have really good suggestions and I'll definitely take heed.
7. I was following the standard format of Introduction, mention three qualities, paragraph for each of those qualities, and conclusion. I'll work on my transitions to make it more natural.
8. I'll definitely shorten it. There were so many responsibilities in that position that I wanted to show. It was a new club that me and my friends started so I wanted to imply that a lot of hard work went into the creation and maintenance of it.
9. Thanks for the honest review. I really appreciate the input that you've given me and it opened my eyes to the deficiencies in my motivational statement. I'll rework it with your suggestions in mind and focus more on displaying "Me" more prominently.
Thanks for your input! I was actually worrying about that as well. During the year that I was an Air Force cadet I was taking very tough classes at the same time on top of Air Force ROTC. Roughly 18 units (Statistics, Calculus, Japanese, etc.) total in addition to part-time work. Silver Wings was a community service organization that I did at the same time. (Had to go to meetings, community service events to support fellow members, etc.)
When my GPA started suffering the more intense ROTC became with Field Training prep I decided to focus on academics. It's tough finding the positive aspect of quitting ROTC but one thing I can think of was it teaching me the importance of time management.
xxxCharliexxx,
Forgive me for the format in which I'll reply as it's late. (^_^)^
1. Opening paragraph was the hardest for me to come up with. I didn't want to start with something standard like "My name is _______ and I want to become a Naval Officer." I'll definitely rethink it!
2. You're right, it seems like it was thrown in there. I was originally thinking of using those three values. I should use these three instead of my current three.
3. Thanks for the re-wording. I have a tendency to be overly formal so it may not have come across as genuine.
4. I understand your point and that makes sense. I won't use manager.
I just remembered reading something on how Enlisted personnel are "specialists" and Officers are "managers". 5. When I was an Officer in JSA we had something called a "Conversation Hour" and I was a conversation partner to foreign nationals in Japan. I tutored "Conversational English". I'll use examples like that. I also tutored internal users when I was an IT Technician but teaching someone how to display a PDF file in a browser probably doesn't count.
6. Very good insight. I was trying to avoid a lot of "I" and "Me" statements. You have really good suggestions and I'll definitely take heed.
7. I was following the standard format of Introduction, mention three qualities, paragraph for each of those qualities, and conclusion. I'll work on my transitions to make it more natural.
8. I'll definitely shorten it. There were so many responsibilities in that position that I wanted to show. It was a new club that me and my friends started so I wanted to imply that a lot of hard work went into the creation and maintenance of it.
9. Thanks for the honest review. I really appreciate the input that you've given me and it opened my eyes to the deficiencies in my motivational statement. I'll rework it with your suggestions in mind and focus more on displaying "Me" more prominently.
Charlie,
Fantastic! I'm glad you did that!
GPA,
4. Calling an Officer a "manager" is often how someone in the military describes to civilians what their counter-part would be in the civilian world. So just because Officers are referred to as "Managers" you must remember they are much more than that. If you ever get the privilege to grace their Wardroom then you will certain find this out for yourself.
5. You should use your computer mentoring or teaching but you don't put it how you did with showing them how to display a PDF file in browser. You say something like, "As an IT Technician I tutored internal technicians to the intricacies behind complex computer software programs." You see? Much stronger and it shows your writing/technical/thought process abilities. Plus you added some information that the boards may find very useful!
6. You don't want a bunch of "I" and "Me" in your statement but you want to talk about YOU! You need to come out in your statement as Charlie said. It is perfectly alright to use I, me, my, etc. in your statement as you should use it here and there but don't go overboard with it.
7. I used the format Intro, body, conclusion. To each their own but you don't have a strict format you have to follow. This is a statement to the board about you. It should be formal but also personal.
8. You don't have to shorten it a ton as there is no more word restriction. That being said short concise sentences with a well thought out statement will work better than a long one in my opinion. The only reason it should be long is because you have many examples of leadership and abilities that you want the board to see. No need to add fluff. They will see right through it!
Good Luck.
Fantastic! I'm glad you did that!
GPA,
4. Calling an Officer a "manager" is often how someone in the military describes to civilians what their counter-part would be in the civilian world. So just because Officers are referred to as "Managers" you must remember they are much more than that. If you ever get the privilege to grace their Wardroom then you will certain find this out for yourself.
5. You should use your computer mentoring or teaching but you don't put it how you did with showing them how to display a PDF file in browser. You say something like, "As an IT Technician I tutored internal technicians to the intricacies behind complex computer software programs." You see? Much stronger and it shows your writing/technical/thought process abilities. Plus you added some information that the boards may find very useful!
6. You don't want a bunch of "I" and "Me" in your statement but you want to talk about YOU! You need to come out in your statement as Charlie said. It is perfectly alright to use I, me, my, etc. in your statement as you should use it here and there but don't go overboard with it.
7. I used the format Intro, body, conclusion. To each their own but you don't have a strict format you have to follow. This is a statement to the board about you. It should be formal but also personal.
8. You don't have to shorten it a ton as there is no more word restriction. That being said short concise sentences with a well thought out statement will work better than a long one in my opinion. The only reason it should be long is because you have many examples of leadership and abilities that you want the board to see. No need to add fluff. They will see right through it!
Good Luck.
MasterBates
Well-Known Member
Let me be a contrarian, and suggest keeping the fraternity, but word it different.
I was the VP of my fraternity when I applied and I wrote about using that position to learn leadership.
When you can get drunk college students who do not have to listen to you to follow, that teaches more about leadership than leading those who have to follow or face penalty.
Just my opinion.
Sent via my HTC EVO 4G
I was the VP of my fraternity when I applied and I wrote about using that position to learn leadership.
When you can get drunk college students who do not have to listen to you to follow, that teaches more about leadership than leading those who have to follow or face penalty.
Just my opinion.
Sent via my HTC EVO 4G
Sir,
I couldn't agree more, in particular the line in bold!
I think the leadership opportunities he gained would be a valuable asset and he should put it in his statement. However, he didn't put it that way as you stated. I believe Lucy recommended him to speak about his accomplishments while in the fraternity. So I don't believe you are contradicting but supporting those comments. But obviously there was some clarification that needed to be said. Hopefully CentxPilot gets the appropriate information now. Thanks for pointing that out Sir!
Charlie,
Fantastic! I'm glad you did that!
GPA,
4. Calling an Officer a "manager" is often how someone in the military describes to civilians what their counter-part would be in the civilian world. So just because Officers are referred to as "Managers" you must remember they are much more than that. If you ever get the privilege to grace their Wardroom then you will certain find this out for yourself.
5. You should use your computer mentoring or teaching but you don't put it how you did with showing them how to display a PDF file in browser. You say something like, "As an IT Technician I tutored internal technicians to the intricacies behind complex computer software programs." You see? Much stronger and it shows your writing/technical/thought process abilities. Plus you added some information that the boards may find very useful!
6. You don't want a bunch of "I" and "Me" in your statement but you want to talk about YOU! You need to come out in your statement as Charlie said. It is perfectly alright to use I, me, my, etc. in your statement as you should use it here and there but don't go overboard with it.
7. I used the format Intro, body, conclusion. To each their own but you don't have a strict format you have to follow. This is a statement to the board about you. It should be formal but also personal.
8. You don't have to shorten it a ton as there is no more word restriction. That being said short concise sentences with a well thought out statement will work better than a long one in my opinion. The only reason it should be long is because you have many examples of leadership and abilities that you want the board to see. No need to add fluff. They will see right through it!
Good Luck.
Thanks for your advice!
4. Definitely. I was coming in with a different mindset but thanks to you and Charlie it's been changed.
5. Prior to leaving my previous job I trained a new technician so I will use that.
6. Point taken!
7. I was overly formal. In this case I should make it more personal like you and others have suggested.
8. Brevity has been one of my weaknesses but it's a good opportunity to work on that now.
Thanks again to you and everyone else for your help!!!!
X
xxxCharliexxx
Guest
TIP:
When I was writing my statement for a commission, I was told by my recruiter to get someone to look over it...as many of you are doing here in this thread. I took mine to my college Literature department. Every college has a department full of Literature graduate students that tutor other students on thesis writing, essays, and papers. I called the department, was transferred to the right people, and made an appointment. That one session taught me so much about my writing style. They won't re-write your essays or statements, but they ask you questions and talk to you to make you understand each sentence and it's purpose towards the goal of the essay. It was a world of help so...I thought I would make the suggestion.
-Charlie
When I was writing my statement for a commission, I was told by my recruiter to get someone to look over it...as many of you are doing here in this thread. I took mine to my college Literature department. Every college has a department full of Literature graduate students that tutor other students on thesis writing, essays, and papers. I called the department, was transferred to the right people, and made an appointment. That one session taught me so much about my writing style. They won't re-write your essays or statements, but they ask you questions and talk to you to make you understand each sentence and it's purpose towards the goal of the essay. It was a world of help so...I thought I would make the suggestion.
-Charlie
JMonte85
Pro-rec SNA
I actually tried AFROTC as well.. It's on my transcripts obviously, and I had gotten an LOR from my Captain (which I could choose not to hand in).. I didn't mention anything about AFROTC in my motivational statement because there is really nothing motivating from AFROTC about joining the Navy. Is this bad? Should I say something about not wanting to put on the AF uniform anymore heh, and wanting to put on the NAvy's instead? I think leaving it out seemed best buy I don't want there to be any controversy for this.
I figure the LOR from the Captain in AFROTC should justify any questions of if I got kicked out or not, or left on bad terms or something. But at the end of the LOR he wrote, "Although Mr. 'cool guy' left the detachment on his own accord (to change schools), I believe he would have continued to admirably".... yada yada bla bla..... " I strongly recommend 'cool guy' for any officer commissioning program."
What do you guys think? Is this enough and just leave it out of the motivational statement? I already have 460 words or so and would rather not add anything else.. and I personally don't really think it would fit in the motivational statement because it will start to stray away from the reason I'm writing the motivational statement.
X
xxxCharliexxx
Guest
Eaglei22,
First part of being an officer is accountability. By "side-stepping" the issue, you aren't doing yourself any favors. Your involvement with AFROTC is on your transcripts and your application. They will have the question in their mind already of "what happened?" And since people will always tend to think of the worst-case-scenario...use it to your advantage. Remove their doubt. Own up to your AFROTC participation, say it was an honor to participate in such a prestigious program, say it taught you values and leadership, and ultimately that you were enlightened to other programs that were better geared for your future career - in the US Navy. I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision to leave, but use that too. "Although leaving the program was one of the hardest decisions I've made, I've learned that sometimes making hard, unpopular decisions is what is expected of an Officer and I'm grateful that AFROTC taught me that." (Or something similar)
Basically, own up to it and don't avoid it (makes you look ashamed and/or like you are hiding something). They don't need to know the details of "WHY" you left, just that you made the hard, yet ultimate, decision to leave and that you take ownership of that decision. I would also consider turning in that LOR. You can have more LOR than the minimum and it says a lot about you that you could still turn to your CAPT from AFROTC after your decision and that he thought enough about you, regardless of your decision, to write an acceptable LOR for you.
On a side note, I would *strongly* recommend that you don't say anything regarding not wanting to wear another branches uniform or "trading up" for the Navy. All US branches are honorable and most of the people on these boards have served in more than one branch (and they have fond memories). Have nothing but respect for your past branch of choice, but look towards a bright future career with the US Navy. That way, you are respectfully speaking about both branches but yet you have chosen the US Navy for your military career.
Hope this helps....PM me anytime if you have questions.
-Charlie
First part of being an officer is accountability. By "side-stepping" the issue, you aren't doing yourself any favors. Your involvement with AFROTC is on your transcripts and your application. They will have the question in their mind already of "what happened?" And since people will always tend to think of the worst-case-scenario...use it to your advantage. Remove their doubt. Own up to your AFROTC participation, say it was an honor to participate in such a prestigious program, say it taught you values and leadership, and ultimately that you were enlightened to other programs that were better geared for your future career - in the US Navy. I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision to leave, but use that too. "Although leaving the program was one of the hardest decisions I've made, I've learned that sometimes making hard, unpopular decisions is what is expected of an Officer and I'm grateful that AFROTC taught me that." (Or something similar)
Basically, own up to it and don't avoid it (makes you look ashamed and/or like you are hiding something). They don't need to know the details of "WHY" you left, just that you made the hard, yet ultimate, decision to leave and that you take ownership of that decision. I would also consider turning in that LOR. You can have more LOR than the minimum and it says a lot about you that you could still turn to your CAPT from AFROTC after your decision and that he thought enough about you, regardless of your decision, to write an acceptable LOR for you.
On a side note, I would *strongly* recommend that you don't say anything regarding not wanting to wear another branches uniform or "trading up" for the Navy. All US branches are honorable and most of the people on these boards have served in more than one branch (and they have fond memories). Have nothing but respect for your past branch of choice, but look towards a bright future career with the US Navy. That way, you are respectfully speaking about both branches but yet you have chosen the US Navy for your military career.
Hope this helps....PM me anytime if you have questions.
-Charlie