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Lesson learned, thanks!
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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
Lesson learned, thanks!
smm020
New Member
MY MOTIVATIONAL STATEMENT: feel free to PM me or message here and tell me what you would change. Thanks a lot. Tear it apart...
Serving in the Navy adds a sense of commitment, honor and courage unprecedented in the civilian world. This sense of leadership and reward is exactly what I am looking forward by serving. In doing so, it will complete this undying passion of mine to serve this great country, to prove to myself, family and friends that I have exactly what it takes to be in the distinct Navy Officer community.
I have been looking forward to finding a career that will show my passion for leading and unresolved fervor for serving since a small boy. It has taken a lot of trail and error to pinpoint this obsession into a career, but looking upon the Navy community I can honestly say that I have found such a rewarding career.
In my eyes the United States Navy shows the world that anything can be accomplished and nothing is out of reach. Officers and enlisted men and women alike prove this feat repeatedly, over and over, day in and day out and do so without hesitation and without remorse. They know that their hard work is for a grander goal and will be rewarded towards a greater good. This is exactly the feeling and commitment I want to be apart of—to know that my actions are being relied upon and my ideas are being implemented. I want to prove that I can be relied upon, that I can accomplish anything and everything and that nothing is out of my reach.
I know that my past experiences in college, sports, volunteer, work and internships prove that I have what it takes to lead, to be successful and to implement any and all actions required by the Navy. I have a broad sense of knowledge, and more importantly, the interest to expand on this knowledge. My passion fits in well with those that serve and have served in the Navy, my character is nothing short of a gentlemen and my actions prove that I have what it takes to not only be a Navy Officer, but to be successful within the Navy Officer community. Completing this goal of mine is essential to growing into the man that I see myself—an honest, passionate, strong man with an innate desire to lead, serve and accomplish.
Serving in the Navy adds a sense of commitment, honor and courage unprecedented in the civilian world. This sense of leadership and reward is exactly what I am looking forward by serving. In doing so, it will complete this undying passion of mine to serve this great country, to prove to myself, family and friends that I have exactly what it takes to be in the distinct Navy Officer community.
I have been looking forward to finding a career that will show my passion for leading and unresolved fervor for serving since a small boy. It has taken a lot of trail and error to pinpoint this obsession into a career, but looking upon the Navy community I can honestly say that I have found such a rewarding career.
In my eyes the United States Navy shows the world that anything can be accomplished and nothing is out of reach. Officers and enlisted men and women alike prove this feat repeatedly, over and over, day in and day out and do so without hesitation and without remorse. They know that their hard work is for a grander goal and will be rewarded towards a greater good. This is exactly the feeling and commitment I want to be apart of—to know that my actions are being relied upon and my ideas are being implemented. I want to prove that I can be relied upon, that I can accomplish anything and everything and that nothing is out of my reach.
I know that my past experiences in college, sports, volunteer, work and internships prove that I have what it takes to lead, to be successful and to implement any and all actions required by the Navy. I have a broad sense of knowledge, and more importantly, the interest to expand on this knowledge. My passion fits in well with those that serve and have served in the Navy, my character is nothing short of a gentlemen and my actions prove that I have what it takes to not only be a Navy Officer, but to be successful within the Navy Officer community. Completing this goal of mine is essential to growing into the man that I see myself—an honest, passionate, strong man with an innate desire to lead, serve and accomplish.
Make sure you do a close read after you spell check. "It has taken a lot of trail and error to pinpoint..."
Lucy
Member
smm020- Like where your last 2 paragraphs are going, first two not so keen on. 1st seems rather cliche, and 2nd is confusing since you haven't stated the reasons why you've reached this point. Also claiming youve found a rewarding career before being in it is kinda odd. Maybe better to say rewarding pursuit, desired career, etc.
I would expand on what you are saying in the 2 set, and add same solid examples.
I would expand on what you are saying in the 2 set, and add same solid examples.
Will do!
You want to change it this to honor, courage, and commitment. Lists should be done with your smallest word or phrase first and ending with the longest. You should then say what each of those mean to you if you are going to use that route. Just saying them means nothing.
How about this instead "I am looking forward to the leadership the Navy offers."
So are you Dan "Rudy" Ruettiger? Sorry just watched the movie "Rudy" the other day. Just get rid of it. Then change the statement above.
For some reason this just doesn't work right for me. I don't know what it is but it sounds wrong. Try re-wording it.
Don't make statements such as, "In my eyes." This entire statement is about you. So get rid of any passive voice. Officers and Enlisted are men and women so get rid of the latter. Repeatedly mean over and over so once again get rid of it. Just make a statement like this, "Officers and Enlisted prove this feat everyday without hesitation." People in the military including sailors have remorse so I wouldn't make that statement. I think the problem you have here is that you are trying to be an expert about the Navy but unless you served in the military before you can't make these statements. You can make general statements but ones such as, "without remorse" is inaccurate. Also, you make repeating statements (see bold) in consecutive sentences so it feels odd to me. This entire paragraph needs to be re-worded. You need to make clear statements.
Where in this entire thing have you proven to me that you know what a leader is and what qualifies you to make that statement. I have a broad knowledge of football does that qualify me to be a HC in the NFL? You see what I'm getting at? I don't think I like this last paragraph either to be honest. I maybe able to go in and pick out a thing or two. Honestly though I think this entire statement needs to be re-worked. I think you have a lot more potential than this and I would like to see a better effort on the next go around. Go through this thread and read some of the past statements. See where people say they like something and don't like something. Once you get that idea then sit down and start writing. Work and re-work that statement until you can't do it anymore... Then repost once you think you have something better or PM me and we will help you out to see if you are good. Hope this helps.
There it is... It felt like something was a miss with that paragraph...
Here is my1st attempt at my motivational speech. Can someone give me a lil giudance?
It is a little over 400 words but I have been reading on this for a while and I see that most people want to to lose lots of fluff so i wasnt to worried about it being over a few words because i kknow they will be gone by tomorrow.
I grew up watching my father serve in the Navy and he grew up watching his father in the Army. Military life has run through my blood since the day I was born. Home to me, has always been where the Navy sends us and I feel as if I have been part of the Navy my whole life. I admire the courage it took for military personnel to give part of their lives to provide America the freedom we have today. The time has now come for me to give back to my family and my country some of the freedom and opportunities they have given me.
Strong leaders have recognized their weaknesses, I have weaknesses but I know that I have the courage and strength to overcome those adversities and benefit my fellow Officers and the United States Navy.
Being a member of athletic teams my entire life, it has taught me dedication, motivation, leadership, and responsibility for my actions. These attributes have been pounded into me day in and day out, on and off the field. I served as the captain of the Brewton Parker College men’s soccer team, where I attended for 4 years on an athletic and academic scholarship, and having to make decisions under pressure came naturally. I have put my blood, sweat, and tears onto the field and as an Officer I would do exactly the same.
At college I was also a Resident Assistant, responsible for ninety men who came to me for instruction, guidance, and friendship. From this experience I have learned that eyes are on you at all times. That it is critical to make good decisions, be approachable, honest, and competent. If you are caught lacking these qualities at anytime, you can quickly lose respect and control.
I want to be commissioned in the United States Navy. I want to show the men and women of the United States my strong leadership, my courage to face adversity, and my commitment to be the best that I can be. I want to make a difference in the world and I know the Navy will give me the opportunity to do this and much, much more. I know that the motivation and dedication that has been instilled in me throughout my life, in sports and in my home has given me what it takes to be a part of the United States Navy.
Thanks for the help!
It is a little over 400 words but I have been reading on this for a while and I see that most people want to to lose lots of fluff so i wasnt to worried about it being over a few words because i kknow they will be gone by tomorrow.
I grew up watching my father serve in the Navy and he grew up watching his father in the Army. Military life has run through my blood since the day I was born. Home to me, has always been where the Navy sends us and I feel as if I have been part of the Navy my whole life. I admire the courage it took for military personnel to give part of their lives to provide America the freedom we have today. The time has now come for me to give back to my family and my country some of the freedom and opportunities they have given me.
Strong leaders have recognized their weaknesses, I have weaknesses but I know that I have the courage and strength to overcome those adversities and benefit my fellow Officers and the United States Navy.
Being a member of athletic teams my entire life, it has taught me dedication, motivation, leadership, and responsibility for my actions. These attributes have been pounded into me day in and day out, on and off the field. I served as the captain of the Brewton Parker College men’s soccer team, where I attended for 4 years on an athletic and academic scholarship, and having to make decisions under pressure came naturally. I have put my blood, sweat, and tears onto the field and as an Officer I would do exactly the same.
At college I was also a Resident Assistant, responsible for ninety men who came to me for instruction, guidance, and friendship. From this experience I have learned that eyes are on you at all times. That it is critical to make good decisions, be approachable, honest, and competent. If you are caught lacking these qualities at anytime, you can quickly lose respect and control.
I want to be commissioned in the United States Navy. I want to show the men and women of the United States my strong leadership, my courage to face adversity, and my commitment to be the best that I can be. I want to make a difference in the world and I know the Navy will give me the opportunity to do this and much, much more. I know that the motivation and dedication that has been instilled in me throughout my life, in sports and in my home has given me what it takes to be a part of the United States Navy.
Thanks for the help!
Who cares how long it is if you get your message across in a clear, concise, and intelligent way. I thought your statement was very good. The content is exactly what you want to say. You said it with just enough information so it didn't have fluff. The only thing I can recommend is that you take it to an English major or a professional writer to help you fix any grammatical errors. I noticed you should have used take instead of took but that is simple stuff to correct. Read it out loud and you will see more errors. Good Job on this statement though. If this is your first draft that is pretty good. I would continue to work on it until you have it perfect in your mind. But you are starting off with a solid foundation which should only be enhanced after your next revisions! Once again good job and Good Luck with the boards!
Oh yea... Get rid of the part in bold above... I think that would make that sentence better.
Second what twobecrazy said, except raise it one. Just remove all mentions of weakness since you mention nothing specific.
hipfinnsy
Sensual Pepper
Motivational Statement #2
Howdy folks,
I've significantly altered my motivational statement. Wonder what you all think:
I cannot express how fortunate I am to receive your consideration. As someone who comes from a military family, being able to serve is high enough honor in itself; and to have opportunity to become an officer is something of which I am very proud. My grandfather was a WWII veteran who landed on the beaches of Normandy and subsequently won five bronze stars; my father is a Vietnam Veteran; my cousin was an Army Ranger who was killed in action last year. To continue this devotion and selflessness to my country, from an officer’s position, will confer upon myself an honor that cannot be described.
From a universal perspective, I realize that as one person I am a cog in a much larger gear, and if I wish to live a meaningful and fulfilling life, my efforts should work towards something greater and more momentous than my individual self. Finding that greater cause is something that has taken me my entire life; however, I sincerely believe that being a Naval Officer is a position worth sacrificing my personal freedoms for, and that helping to defend my country is the most noble and altruistic calling of which I am capable. I cannot think of a better environment for utilizing both my intellect and physical determination than the United States Navy.
As an English major– and a voracious reader regardless– my love of knowledge and learning is a defining attribute of myself. Though I am only one person, it is an attribute that will help the United States Navy in no small way. Whereas the Navy holds a high esteem for technical majors– and as a pragmatic institution rightfully should– my path of study has helped me to develop a disposition that is probing, judicious, empathetic, and unwavering. My cosmopolitan study of English, philosophy, art, and science has given me an understanding of people and management that will enable me to become a Naval Officer that you will be proud to have helped commission. I am a person who constantly improves himself, and my benefits to your service will extend far beyond one particular field.
If you give me this opportunity, I will give you a warrior. I will bring you not only the success that your service deserves, but the character and integrity that I believe our society as a whole is lacking. I await your decision with gratitude and an unconditional smile.
There might be a few grammatical errors. I haven't really checked it out too thoroughly. However, do you think that this is a drastic imporvement from my original statement? Am I getting closer to where I should be at? The other part that I was considering changing was the first paragraph-- the stuff about my family's service. I don't really know if that's a good addition of or not. It comes to around 405 words so I'm going to do a tiny bit of chopping.
Howdy folks,
I've significantly altered my motivational statement. Wonder what you all think:
I cannot express how fortunate I am to receive your consideration. As someone who comes from a military family, being able to serve is high enough honor in itself; and to have opportunity to become an officer is something of which I am very proud. My grandfather was a WWII veteran who landed on the beaches of Normandy and subsequently won five bronze stars; my father is a Vietnam Veteran; my cousin was an Army Ranger who was killed in action last year. To continue this devotion and selflessness to my country, from an officer’s position, will confer upon myself an honor that cannot be described.
From a universal perspective, I realize that as one person I am a cog in a much larger gear, and if I wish to live a meaningful and fulfilling life, my efforts should work towards something greater and more momentous than my individual self. Finding that greater cause is something that has taken me my entire life; however, I sincerely believe that being a Naval Officer is a position worth sacrificing my personal freedoms for, and that helping to defend my country is the most noble and altruistic calling of which I am capable. I cannot think of a better environment for utilizing both my intellect and physical determination than the United States Navy.
As an English major– and a voracious reader regardless– my love of knowledge and learning is a defining attribute of myself. Though I am only one person, it is an attribute that will help the United States Navy in no small way. Whereas the Navy holds a high esteem for technical majors– and as a pragmatic institution rightfully should– my path of study has helped me to develop a disposition that is probing, judicious, empathetic, and unwavering. My cosmopolitan study of English, philosophy, art, and science has given me an understanding of people and management that will enable me to become a Naval Officer that you will be proud to have helped commission. I am a person who constantly improves himself, and my benefits to your service will extend far beyond one particular field.
If you give me this opportunity, I will give you a warrior. I will bring you not only the success that your service deserves, but the character and integrity that I believe our society as a whole is lacking. I await your decision with gratitude and an unconditional smile.
There might be a few grammatical errors. I haven't really checked it out too thoroughly. However, do you think that this is a drastic imporvement from my original statement? Am I getting closer to where I should be at? The other part that I was considering changing was the first paragraph-- the stuff about my family's service. I don't really know if that's a good addition of or not. It comes to around 405 words so I'm going to do a tiny bit of chopping.
GreenLantern330
Active Member
The opening paragraph made me immediately question: If such great/so much military service runs through your family, why not go for the academy or rotc? Why wait for OCS?
hipfinnsy
Sensual Pepper
Well, the actual reason that I didn't join ROTC is because I thought that I was going to go to law school. In reality, I was too young to know what I wanted to do with my life, especially something as dramatic as obligatory military service after college. I see what you're saying though. Perhaps I should change that first paragraph.
hipfinnsy;674622[B said:
You need to look at the link below and read other statements. This will give you a better idea of what you should and should not put in your statement. Also, you should post motivational statements here in the future:
http://www.airwarriors.com/forum/showthread.php/142053-Motivational-Statement-MEGA-Thread/page45
Now, honestly I didn't like your statement again. In particular the items I have put in bold and that was just a quick glimpse going back through it. There are some parts in there that you could use. But I still think you are lacking substance.
Vitrivius
Pro rec SNA
My motivation statement
Hello gents, this is my first post. I took the ASTB 3 weeks ago and I will put up all the stats after I submit my package to the April Board.
I have read all 45 pages of opinions and comments since the first post, and I think I know what the Board is looking for: clear, concise, candid, no BS, no fluff, to the point, back up claims with evidence, etc.
And now, I humbly present to you my 900+ words (new application format, there is no more 400 words limit) motivational statement for you all to tear apart. Please, no holding back. Thank you for your time.
P.S. I did not elaborate my volunteer activities because i don't want to add fluff as it is already close to 2 pages. Please advise whether it would be a good idea or not to mention volunteer experience.
In my teenage years, especially during the summers when other kids were bored out of their mind, I was looking for something more meaningful in life. I was looking for a sense of direction and purpose. I like to be challenged, pushed beyond my limits, boundaries and comfort zone. I want to be the best I could be.
I needed the impetus and the United States Naval Sea Cadets Corps did just that. It helped create and shape the man I am today. I enlisted immediately and was an active cadet for six years, and I cherished every second of it. I wanted to see what the Navy has to offer so I completed every training evolution available such as Seabees, Master-At-Arms, Submarine seminar, Airman School, amphibious, Corpsman School, and Mine Warfare. While attending those trainings, I strive for leadership positions such as squad or platoon leader. At Mine Warfare School, in addition of being the top student in class, I was also the recipient of the Honor Cadet award because of my dedication, motivation and hard work.
I continued to sharpen my leadership skills by attending POLA: Petty Officer Leadership Academy. There I learned the basic traits of an effective leader: Decisiveness, tact, motivator, dependability, initiative, integrity, and adaptability by being able to adjust, adapt and overcome.
I rose through the ranks and a year later I was promoted to Petty Officer First Class and chosen to be the Leading Petty Officer of my unit that comprise of 45 cadets. During the two years as LPO, one of my duties was to mentor and motivate the younger cadets. Often I reminded them the importance of education and how to get into college. Even as far as helping them out with filling out their applications for FAFSA, Pell Grants, and Cal Grants to help pay for college, since most of them came from disadvantaged background. Most eventually become productive members of society.
I also lead my unit to win several streamers in events such as Color Guard, Exhibition Drill, Firefighting, and Line Heaving at the annual Flagship competition. In the beginning, my Line Heaving team expressed serious doubts about their ability to even compete due to the fact that they are all females, undersized and does not have the brute strength to throw the rope and monkey fist. I counseled them that Line Heaving is not all about strength or power, but technique and accuracy. What good is all that power with no accuracy to direct it? I taught them simple roping techniques, basic physics of trajectory and centripetal force, and motivate them to keep practicing their throws and do their best. They won third place that year and first place the following year.
The last training I completed with the Sea Cadets was aviation ground school at NAS Patuxent River. At the end of training, my interest in Naval Aviation grew even more and now I have a clear sense of what I wanted to do in life. I want to serve in the United States Navy. Upon returning home, I wanted to take that first step of becoming an aviator but I couldn’t afford a Private Pilot License. But that didn’t deter me or discourage me in any way, it made me realize that it is only one of many circumstances where I need to adjust, adapt and overcome.
The training I received in the Sea Cadets and the core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment gave me the motivation to excel in my academic career and life overall. I took challenging honors and AP classes throughout high school and was inducted into the National Honor Society, while staying involved with the badminton and wrestling team.
Although I was a legal resident, I was not eligible to become a United States Citizen. Before college began I knew could not apply for NROTC slots. Once again, it is just another special circumstance where I need to adjust, adapt, and overcome and to stay committed with the ultimate goal of becoming a Naval Officer. To challenge myself and be competitive I completed my Bachelors Degree in Chemical Engineering, and finished my Master’s Degree with a GPA of 3.8 in one year while on scholarships.
In the past 3 years working as an engineer I continue to demonstrate reliability, dependability, strong work ethics, and took the initiative to lead new projects. I wrote papers and presented in conferences at the national level. It is very common to work 60 hours a week, because I know that they could depend and count on me to get the job done right the first time. For my exemplary duties, I was awarded the “Shining Star of 2010”. After I took the oath at the Citizenship ceremony, the first person I called was my officer recruiter. I then completed my Private Pilot License in 8 weeks while volunteering 36 hours a month and working full time.
After 10 years through many circumstances I did not let my ultimate goal fade away into the abyss, I stay committed. Many of my friends and family could not believe that I would give up a safe and well paying engineering career to join the US Navy. And I say to them, I’m not doing this for the money, or the benefits. I’m doing this because I love my country, I want a challenge, and I want to serve in an organization that values Honor, Courage, and Commitment.
I believe that my experiences as an engineer and a cadet gave me the tools and basic building blocks necessary to become an effective leader, and committed to be the best Naval Officer I can be.
Hello gents, this is my first post. I took the ASTB 3 weeks ago and I will put up all the stats after I submit my package to the April Board.
I have read all 45 pages of opinions and comments since the first post, and I think I know what the Board is looking for: clear, concise, candid, no BS, no fluff, to the point, back up claims with evidence, etc.
And now, I humbly present to you my 900+ words (new application format, there is no more 400 words limit) motivational statement for you all to tear apart. Please, no holding back. Thank you for your time.
P.S. I did not elaborate my volunteer activities because i don't want to add fluff as it is already close to 2 pages. Please advise whether it would be a good idea or not to mention volunteer experience.
In my teenage years, especially during the summers when other kids were bored out of their mind, I was looking for something more meaningful in life. I was looking for a sense of direction and purpose. I like to be challenged, pushed beyond my limits, boundaries and comfort zone. I want to be the best I could be.
I needed the impetus and the United States Naval Sea Cadets Corps did just that. It helped create and shape the man I am today. I enlisted immediately and was an active cadet for six years, and I cherished every second of it. I wanted to see what the Navy has to offer so I completed every training evolution available such as Seabees, Master-At-Arms, Submarine seminar, Airman School, amphibious, Corpsman School, and Mine Warfare. While attending those trainings, I strive for leadership positions such as squad or platoon leader. At Mine Warfare School, in addition of being the top student in class, I was also the recipient of the Honor Cadet award because of my dedication, motivation and hard work.
I continued to sharpen my leadership skills by attending POLA: Petty Officer Leadership Academy. There I learned the basic traits of an effective leader: Decisiveness, tact, motivator, dependability, initiative, integrity, and adaptability by being able to adjust, adapt and overcome.
I rose through the ranks and a year later I was promoted to Petty Officer First Class and chosen to be the Leading Petty Officer of my unit that comprise of 45 cadets. During the two years as LPO, one of my duties was to mentor and motivate the younger cadets. Often I reminded them the importance of education and how to get into college. Even as far as helping them out with filling out their applications for FAFSA, Pell Grants, and Cal Grants to help pay for college, since most of them came from disadvantaged background. Most eventually become productive members of society.
I also lead my unit to win several streamers in events such as Color Guard, Exhibition Drill, Firefighting, and Line Heaving at the annual Flagship competition. In the beginning, my Line Heaving team expressed serious doubts about their ability to even compete due to the fact that they are all females, undersized and does not have the brute strength to throw the rope and monkey fist. I counseled them that Line Heaving is not all about strength or power, but technique and accuracy. What good is all that power with no accuracy to direct it? I taught them simple roping techniques, basic physics of trajectory and centripetal force, and motivate them to keep practicing their throws and do their best. They won third place that year and first place the following year.
The last training I completed with the Sea Cadets was aviation ground school at NAS Patuxent River. At the end of training, my interest in Naval Aviation grew even more and now I have a clear sense of what I wanted to do in life. I want to serve in the United States Navy. Upon returning home, I wanted to take that first step of becoming an aviator but I couldn’t afford a Private Pilot License. But that didn’t deter me or discourage me in any way, it made me realize that it is only one of many circumstances where I need to adjust, adapt and overcome.
The training I received in the Sea Cadets and the core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment gave me the motivation to excel in my academic career and life overall. I took challenging honors and AP classes throughout high school and was inducted into the National Honor Society, while staying involved with the badminton and wrestling team.
Although I was a legal resident, I was not eligible to become a United States Citizen. Before college began I knew could not apply for NROTC slots. Once again, it is just another special circumstance where I need to adjust, adapt, and overcome and to stay committed with the ultimate goal of becoming a Naval Officer. To challenge myself and be competitive I completed my Bachelors Degree in Chemical Engineering, and finished my Master’s Degree with a GPA of 3.8 in one year while on scholarships.
In the past 3 years working as an engineer I continue to demonstrate reliability, dependability, strong work ethics, and took the initiative to lead new projects. I wrote papers and presented in conferences at the national level. It is very common to work 60 hours a week, because I know that they could depend and count on me to get the job done right the first time. For my exemplary duties, I was awarded the “Shining Star of 2010”. After I took the oath at the Citizenship ceremony, the first person I called was my officer recruiter. I then completed my Private Pilot License in 8 weeks while volunteering 36 hours a month and working full time.
After 10 years through many circumstances I did not let my ultimate goal fade away into the abyss, I stay committed. Many of my friends and family could not believe that I would give up a safe and well paying engineering career to join the US Navy. And I say to them, I’m not doing this for the money, or the benefits. I’m doing this because I love my country, I want a challenge, and I want to serve in an organization that values Honor, Courage, and Commitment.
I believe that my experiences as an engineer and a cadet gave me the tools and basic building blocks necessary to become an effective leader, and committed to be the best Naval Officer I can be.