Unless you were not selected for a specific reason *and* you took great pains to overcome whatever that reason was, I would leave it out.
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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
Hey all, prior service Sailor here just got all the paperwork from the recruiter to start working. If you all could provide some feedback on the first draft of my motivational statement, it would be greatly appreciated. Just one thing to keep in mind, my first and second choice is pilot and intel which is the reason I wrote a general statement rather than community specific.
After separating from the Navy in 2022 to pursue a baccalaureate degree, I have felt a growing call to return to the service of my country. My great-grandfather served as a seaplane pilot during the Second World War and in my youth I would spend countless hours looking through the things he left behind. Pictures of battles from above, his log book of flights around the world, and the wings of gold still shiny 70 years after they were first pinned to his chest. While these were the things that caught my attention as a younger man and led me to enlist as a Corpsman in 2015, throughout my service something else of his that I had dismissed years before began to take precedence. Countless letters from old shipmates thanking him for his guidance and leadership throughout and after the war, the date they were written ranged from 1946 to 1993, the year of his death. To leave that kind of lifelong impact on his peers and junior Sailors is something that I began to internalize throughout my service as I also climbed the ladder of leadership.
During my first assignment at Beachmaster UNIT TWO, I excelled as the medical departmental career counselor, obtained qualifications in as many fields as possible, such as Beach Party Team Communicator and various vehicle operator qualifications. During a 2018 deployment aboard the USS NEW YORK I earned both the Enlisted Surface Warfare Specialist and Enlisted Information Warfare Specialist well ahead of schedule. Additionally, following my qualification I held weekly study sessions to help my shipmates earn theirs. My aim was to be the example for my peers and juniors to follow, to be an asset to the unit and the Navy, but most importantly to be someone people could count on to take care of the mission and people. After transferring to I-I Wilmington, Delaware in September 2019 as the sole Medical Department Representative and Sailor within the unit, the scope of my work and responsibilities was completely different. Managing reservists, a decentralized chain of command as 6TH Engineer Support Battalion was located in Portland, Oregon, and the troubles of the COVID pandemic, these challenges were instrumental in the evolution of my level of adaptability. I would argue the pandemic was the most difficult administrative and operational challenge our military has faced in recent years. Despite this, the mitigation plan that I spearheaded resulted in zero positive cases connected to military duties and allowed I-I Wilmington to be the first Marine Forces Reserve unit to be permitted to conduct the annual medical-dental stand down in January 2021. Additionally, during this time I was able to earn the most coveted warfare device in the Corpsman community, the Enlisted Fleet Marine Force Warfare Specialist. While this achievement brought me great joy, I was not the only Sailor to earn it that day. My junior Corpsman, then HM2 Richard Kyte, was able to earn his as well, an achievement he credited to our weekly study sessions.
Qualifications and achievements of the past can only tell part of the story. A statement that a few of the battalion Chiefs told me upon my decision to separate has stayed with me: "I wish you would stay so we could see you become a khaki". While I assume they meant earning my anchors as they often mentioned that a triple-qualified TAR Corpsman with deployment experience is almost guaranteed to get selected for Chief. After my separation, I began to reflect on those words, and I believe it is time for me to challenge myself to earn my Khakis at OCS. Do not misunderstand, I do not write of my past in an attempt to say I am owed a commission, that it somehow means I deserve it, the officer and enlisted sides are different worlds and it would be foolish of me to assert otherwise. This is a chance for me to eat a slice of humble pie, learn all I can from the staff at OCS, and use the knowledge earned through my experiences to continue to help my fellow officer candidates. I have a record of superior performance, qualifications, and leadership, I would like to return as an officer to continue being an asset to the Navy and those around me. I would like to leave you with the greatest lesson I can say I have learned throughout my time as a Corpsman; The number one asset you have is your people; you can have the best equipment, unlimited funding, endless plans to cover every single aspect of a mission, but none of that, absolutely none of it matters if your people aren't mission-ready, whenever possible, they come first.
After separating from the Navy in 2022 to pursue a baccalaureate degree, I have felt a growing call to return to the service of my country. My great-grandfather served as a seaplane pilot during the Second World War and in my youth I would spend countless hours looking through the things he left behind. Pictures of battles from above, his log book of flights around the world, and the wings of gold still shiny 70 years after they were first pinned to his chest. While these were the things that caught my attention as a younger man and led me to enlist as a Corpsman in 2015, throughout my service something else of his that I had dismissed years before began to take precedence. Countless letters from old shipmates thanking him for his guidance and leadership throughout and after the war, the date they were written ranged from 1946 to 1993, the year of his death. To leave that kind of lifelong impact on his peers and junior Sailors is something that I began to internalize throughout my service as I also climbed the ladder of leadership.
During my first assignment at Beachmaster UNIT TWO, I excelled as the medical departmental career counselor, obtained qualifications in as many fields as possible, such as Beach Party Team Communicator and various vehicle operator qualifications. During a 2018 deployment aboard the USS NEW YORK I earned both the Enlisted Surface Warfare Specialist and Enlisted Information Warfare Specialist well ahead of schedule. Additionally, following my qualification I held weekly study sessions to help my shipmates earn theirs. My aim was to be the example for my peers and juniors to follow, to be an asset to the unit and the Navy, but most importantly to be someone people could count on to take care of the mission and people. After transferring to I-I Wilmington, Delaware in September 2019 as the sole Medical Department Representative and Sailor within the unit, the scope of my work and responsibilities was completely different. Managing reservists, a decentralized chain of command as 6TH Engineer Support Battalion was located in Portland, Oregon, and the troubles of the COVID pandemic, these challenges were instrumental in the evolution of my level of adaptability. I would argue the pandemic was the most difficult administrative and operational challenge our military has faced in recent years. Despite this, the mitigation plan that I spearheaded resulted in zero positive cases connected to military duties and allowed I-I Wilmington to be the first Marine Forces Reserve unit to be permitted to conduct the annual medical-dental stand down in January 2021. Additionally, during this time I was able to earn the most coveted warfare device in the Corpsman community, the Enlisted Fleet Marine Force Warfare Specialist. While this achievement brought me great joy, I was not the only Sailor to earn it that day. My junior Corpsman, then HM2 Richard Kyte, was able to earn his as well, an achievement he credited to our weekly study sessions.
Qualifications and achievements of the past can only tell part of the story. A statement that a few of the battalion Chiefs told me upon my decision to separate has stayed with me: "I wish you would stay so we could see you become a khaki". While I assume they meant earning my anchors as they often mentioned that a triple-qualified TAR Corpsman with deployment experience is almost guaranteed to get selected for Chief. After my separation, I began to reflect on those words, and I believe it is time for me to challenge myself to earn my Khakis at OCS. Do not misunderstand, I do not write of my past in an attempt to say I am owed a commission, that it somehow means I deserve it, the officer and enlisted sides are different worlds and it would be foolish of me to assert otherwise. This is a chance for me to eat a slice of humble pie, learn all I can from the staff at OCS, and use the knowledge earned through my experiences to continue to help my fellow officer candidates. I have a record of superior performance, qualifications, and leadership, I would like to return as an officer to continue being an asset to the Navy and those around me. I would like to leave you with the greatest lesson I can say I have learned throughout my time as a Corpsman; The number one asset you have is your people; you can have the best equipment, unlimited funding, endless plans to cover every single aspect of a mission, but none of that, absolutely none of it matters if your people aren't mission-ready, whenever possible, they come first.
exNavyOffRec
Well-Known Member
Quick notes
If you put Intel #2 the odds of being picked are low, they are a very sought after designator and prefer to see an IWC designator listed first, there have been some IWC boards where putting a non-IWC designator first is going to result in a "N". So I would think about which is more important.
What your family did in the past doesn't matter the boards that read the motivational statements want to know what you have done and what you can do for the USN.
trying2beegood
New Member
Hello! I'm working on my application to be a Supply Officer and just finished my motivational statement. I've never written one of these before so any and all feedback from those who have would be greatly appreciated. (Also, in case there are any comments about this, I have already tried copying & pasting it onto my application form. The only thing it says about word count is that it is limited to fit in the space provided, which it does... with about a line or two of space to spare). I also posted this over on Reddit so apologies if you're someone who's on both and has seen this twice.
Motivational Statement:
From the time I was young, I've had an innate desire to serve my country and help others. Serving my country is one of the most prestigious ways to contribute to the nation as a whole. As an officer, I will be able to use many skills taught to me while earning my Bachelor of Arts in business administration and pre-law at the University of Florida, while also learning countless new skills from the best that the Navy has to offer.
I believe that my background working the past 4 years as an office manager for a restaurant while simultaneously earning my bachelor’s will make me the best fit as a supply officer. As an office manager, I managed cash flow averaging $200,000 annually and maintained supply levels within a fluctuating budget. Approximately every quarter, I would reach out to our purveyors and get a cost breakdown for all items we ordered. After receiving this data, I was then able to compare which purveyor had the best quality product for the best price. In addition to comparing prices, I also created a system for inventory management that was not present before I assumed this role. This system was able to significantly reduce supply ordering errors while also reducing food waste. Although the civilian world is different, I am sure that my first-hand experience with supply chain management will translate into a good baseline of understanding when doing the same for the Navy.
My studies at the University of Florida significantly shaped my leadership and teamwork abilities. While in school, I was given the opportunity to participate in a competition for a mock interview process with Kraft Heinz. My team's job was to review 10 candidates and select the most qualified for the role. Initially, most of my group was unsure of how to proceed, which is when I assumed the role of group leader. I suggested that we start by making a spreadsheet with the list of criteria we were looking for. Then I divided the candidates amongst our group so that everyone was able to review whether or not their candidates satisfied said criterion. I checked in every few days to ensure that we would meet our deadline and assist when needed. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. By acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses, you can lean on others who excel in areas where you may have shortcomings. In this example, I excelled at organizing our data but struggled to make it look presentable for the final product. However, one of my teammates had a lot of experience making slideshows and together we were able to make a final product that brought home a first-place trophy.
Being able to commit to a goal and not stop until I’ve accomplished it is something that I think truly defines who I am. This past August, I participated in a triathlon. When I signed up, I knew I had to dedicate time and energy every day to ensure I prepared both mentally and physically for the event. I started training just six months before the race, gradually pushing my limits at every opportunity. Three months before the triathlon, I had to take a six-week break from training due to an unforeseeable accident. This setback was frustrating and discouraging; it would have been easy to make excuses as to why I could no longer do it. Instead, I pushed myself every step of the way. I knew I could not give up. As soon as I was cleared to exercise again, I was back to training. I had lost progress but was still determined to be better than I was before the accident. Later, I discovered that I was also battling bronchitis on the day of the race. All obstacles aside, I fought to finish what I had started. After 6 months of following a rigorous schedule and a lot of hard work, not only did I complete the triathlon, but I finished second in my age and gender bracket.
A supply officer should be organized, a great leader, and adaptable to their circumstances. Throughout my experiences, I feel that these are all qualities that I have built a profound understanding of and an even greater desire to develop further. These qualities not only strengthen my commitment to excel as a supply officer but also align perfectly with the Navy's tradition of excellence. I know that my strong work ethic, desire to succeed, and attention to detail will make me an incredible asset to the Navy and I want nothing more than to be exactly that.
Motivational Statement:
From the time I was young, I've had an innate desire to serve my country and help others. Serving my country is one of the most prestigious ways to contribute to the nation as a whole. As an officer, I will be able to use many skills taught to me while earning my Bachelor of Arts in business administration and pre-law at the University of Florida, while also learning countless new skills from the best that the Navy has to offer.
I believe that my background working the past 4 years as an office manager for a restaurant while simultaneously earning my bachelor’s will make me the best fit as a supply officer. As an office manager, I managed cash flow averaging $200,000 annually and maintained supply levels within a fluctuating budget. Approximately every quarter, I would reach out to our purveyors and get a cost breakdown for all items we ordered. After receiving this data, I was then able to compare which purveyor had the best quality product for the best price. In addition to comparing prices, I also created a system for inventory management that was not present before I assumed this role. This system was able to significantly reduce supply ordering errors while also reducing food waste. Although the civilian world is different, I am sure that my first-hand experience with supply chain management will translate into a good baseline of understanding when doing the same for the Navy.
My studies at the University of Florida significantly shaped my leadership and teamwork abilities. While in school, I was given the opportunity to participate in a competition for a mock interview process with Kraft Heinz. My team's job was to review 10 candidates and select the most qualified for the role. Initially, most of my group was unsure of how to proceed, which is when I assumed the role of group leader. I suggested that we start by making a spreadsheet with the list of criteria we were looking for. Then I divided the candidates amongst our group so that everyone was able to review whether or not their candidates satisfied said criterion. I checked in every few days to ensure that we would meet our deadline and assist when needed. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. By acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses, you can lean on others who excel in areas where you may have shortcomings. In this example, I excelled at organizing our data but struggled to make it look presentable for the final product. However, one of my teammates had a lot of experience making slideshows and together we were able to make a final product that brought home a first-place trophy.
Being able to commit to a goal and not stop until I’ve accomplished it is something that I think truly defines who I am. This past August, I participated in a triathlon. When I signed up, I knew I had to dedicate time and energy every day to ensure I prepared both mentally and physically for the event. I started training just six months before the race, gradually pushing my limits at every opportunity. Three months before the triathlon, I had to take a six-week break from training due to an unforeseeable accident. This setback was frustrating and discouraging; it would have been easy to make excuses as to why I could no longer do it. Instead, I pushed myself every step of the way. I knew I could not give up. As soon as I was cleared to exercise again, I was back to training. I had lost progress but was still determined to be better than I was before the accident. Later, I discovered that I was also battling bronchitis on the day of the race. All obstacles aside, I fought to finish what I had started. After 6 months of following a rigorous schedule and a lot of hard work, not only did I complete the triathlon, but I finished second in my age and gender bracket.
A supply officer should be organized, a great leader, and adaptable to their circumstances. Throughout my experiences, I feel that these are all qualities that I have built a profound understanding of and an even greater desire to develop further. These qualities not only strengthen my commitment to excel as a supply officer but also align perfectly with the Navy's tradition of excellence. I know that my strong work ethic, desire to succeed, and attention to detail will make me an incredible asset to the Navy and I want nothing more than to be exactly that.
devlopz
New Member
Anyone interested in reviewing my motivational statements please?
I feel like it is too short, doesn’t address the prompt well enough, and I could hit other qualities in myself more. I don’t feel like I hit on my officer leadership goals well enough.
Prompt 1: I am applying for a commission as an Naval Aviation Officer because I have the aviation maintenance experience, the management skills, and the leadership ability to take on the increased responsibilities and lead Sailors at a higher capacity, now. I have proven my ability to excel in this role through my committed 8 years served thus far, where I have obtained the experience and knowledge to train and motivate my peers to accomplish our missions, while simultaneously working tirelessly at any role thrown at me. I have shown my ability to study and obtain any qualification that comes my way. I have the will and perseverance to succeed, I have dedicated my life to Naval Aviation and take my roles seriously. My determination, commitment to excellence, and years of aviation maintenance management and technical expertise will make me the best candidate to lead as an AMDO or AVP for many years to come. My time management skills can be seen throughout my years of service as well. During my time working towards my Bachelor's, I faced many challenges both professionally and personally. I worked full time as Shift Supervisor, where I managed the workload and delegated the maintenance tasks for 9 P-8A to 10 Junior Sailors. I have held multiple programs through AMIs and MPAs with zero discrepancies, obtained multiple qualifications and my EAWS, and am always seeking out increased responsibilities and challenges within my squadrons. I further intend to apply for a Master's Degree program in Industrial and Systems Engineering. Through all of these events, I have stayed COMMITED to my goal of obtaining my Bachelor's in Aeronautics to apply for Naval Officer Candidate School, and have succeeded with a high GPA of 3.4, where I am now applying to be an Aviation Maintenance Duty Officer or Air Vehicle Pilot. I believe going to OCS and becoming a Naval Officer will allow me to challenge myself and help me to grow both personally and professionally.
Prompt 2:
The Navy's Core Values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment are moral principles everyone should strive to adhere to, whether they are a Sailor or not. Being Honorable, means to perform every action in ones life with dignity and integrity; and to do so because it is the right thing to do, not to gain admiration or respect from others. As an officer in the U.S Navy, being Honorable means holding the utmost standard for yourself and your fellow Sailors. Having courage, means to take on challenges despite your fears and anxieties. Being courageous is imperative for U.S Navy officers as they need to face many obstacles in their careers and they need to be able to take things head on and lead those beneath them. Finally, Commitment, is to maintain dedication to the U.S Navy, its' Sailors, and the Mission, especially when it is tough to do so. Having commitment as an officer is important, not only to be committed to daily tasks, but to remain committed to the overall mission of your assigned duties, maintaining commitment to your sailors, and maintaining commitment to yourself and your personal and professional goals.
I feel like it is too short, doesn’t address the prompt well enough, and I could hit other qualities in myself more. I don’t feel like I hit on my officer leadership goals well enough.
Prompt 1: I am applying for a commission as an Naval Aviation Officer because I have the aviation maintenance experience, the management skills, and the leadership ability to take on the increased responsibilities and lead Sailors at a higher capacity, now. I have proven my ability to excel in this role through my committed 8 years served thus far, where I have obtained the experience and knowledge to train and motivate my peers to accomplish our missions, while simultaneously working tirelessly at any role thrown at me. I have shown my ability to study and obtain any qualification that comes my way. I have the will and perseverance to succeed, I have dedicated my life to Naval Aviation and take my roles seriously. My determination, commitment to excellence, and years of aviation maintenance management and technical expertise will make me the best candidate to lead as an AMDO or AVP for many years to come. My time management skills can be seen throughout my years of service as well. During my time working towards my Bachelor's, I faced many challenges both professionally and personally. I worked full time as Shift Supervisor, where I managed the workload and delegated the maintenance tasks for 9 P-8A to 10 Junior Sailors. I have held multiple programs through AMIs and MPAs with zero discrepancies, obtained multiple qualifications and my EAWS, and am always seeking out increased responsibilities and challenges within my squadrons. I further intend to apply for a Master's Degree program in Industrial and Systems Engineering. Through all of these events, I have stayed COMMITED to my goal of obtaining my Bachelor's in Aeronautics to apply for Naval Officer Candidate School, and have succeeded with a high GPA of 3.4, where I am now applying to be an Aviation Maintenance Duty Officer or Air Vehicle Pilot. I believe going to OCS and becoming a Naval Officer will allow me to challenge myself and help me to grow both personally and professionally.
Prompt 2:
The Navy's Core Values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment are moral principles everyone should strive to adhere to, whether they are a Sailor or not. Being Honorable, means to perform every action in ones life with dignity and integrity; and to do so because it is the right thing to do, not to gain admiration or respect from others. As an officer in the U.S Navy, being Honorable means holding the utmost standard for yourself and your fellow Sailors. Having courage, means to take on challenges despite your fears and anxieties. Being courageous is imperative for U.S Navy officers as they need to face many obstacles in their careers and they need to be able to take things head on and lead those beneath them. Finally, Commitment, is to maintain dedication to the U.S Navy, its' Sailors, and the Mission, especially when it is tough to do so. Having commitment as an officer is important, not only to be committed to daily tasks, but to remain committed to the overall mission of your assigned duties, maintaining commitment to your sailors, and maintaining commitment to yourself and your personal and professional goals.
devlopz
New Member
I added the sentence
“As a prior enlisted Officer, I will be able to lead Sailors from the front with experience and understanding. I want to mentor and lead Sailors in their goals as my Branch and Divisional Officers did for me. In addition to my leadership ability,”
In between “Junior Sailors” and “I have held” in the first prompt.
Thoughts?
Hi all, I am working on my motivational statement as the last part of my APSR before I send it in. Any feedback you could provide would be appreciated, as I am trying to reach the suggested 400-word minimum my recruiter suggested. For context, I am looking to apply for NFO and have scored 56 7/6/8 on the ASTB.
Motivational Statement:
"I seek to obtain a commission as a naval officer, driven by the desire to follow in my father's footsteps and to positively impact the next generation of sailors. Inspired by my father's character and distinguished naval career, I have consistently strived for success in all my endeavors, seeking to instill a similar mindset in those I have had the privilege to lead. I stand prepared to embrace all the challenges, opportunities, and responsibilities that come with the appointment as a naval officer in the greatest Navy the world has ever known.
I possess the skills and qualities to be an inspirational leader, capable of leading others by example. I have sought to develop my leadership skills at any opportunity, consistently seeking avenues for growth and development. Throughout high school, I challenged myself by engaging in various activities, including the National Honor Society, NJROTC, and multiple sports, all done while attending five high schools across California, Virginia, Spain, and Guam. This unique experience has tested my resilience, adaptability, and mental fortitude, equipping me with the lifelong determination to overcome any challenge and the discipline to remain committed to my goals.
When later juggling the demands of being a full-time student and worker, I continually strived to improve the capabilities of my employees and coworkers. Leading a team of 30 to 40 high school students and young adults, I prioritized providing constructive feedback and offering mentorship when able. In doing so, I enabled them to enhance their skills and cultivate a mindset of success inside and outside the workplace. Several of my former colleagues have taken these lessons to heart, embarking on careers in entrepreneurship or pursuing advanced studies at the graduate level.
As an aspiring naval officer, I am confident in my ability to uphold the Navy's core values of honor, courage, and commitment. Moreso, I believe that by nurturing capability and fostering critical thinking skills in those around me, I can make a lasting impact on the Navy and its personnel."
Motivational Statement:
"I seek to obtain a commission as a naval officer, driven by the desire to follow in my father's footsteps and to positively impact the next generation of sailors. Inspired by my father's character and distinguished naval career, I have consistently strived for success in all my endeavors, seeking to instill a similar mindset in those I have had the privilege to lead. I stand prepared to embrace all the challenges, opportunities, and responsibilities that come with the appointment as a naval officer in the greatest Navy the world has ever known.
I possess the skills and qualities to be an inspirational leader, capable of leading others by example. I have sought to develop my leadership skills at any opportunity, consistently seeking avenues for growth and development. Throughout high school, I challenged myself by engaging in various activities, including the National Honor Society, NJROTC, and multiple sports, all done while attending five high schools across California, Virginia, Spain, and Guam. This unique experience has tested my resilience, adaptability, and mental fortitude, equipping me with the lifelong determination to overcome any challenge and the discipline to remain committed to my goals.
When later juggling the demands of being a full-time student and worker, I continually strived to improve the capabilities of my employees and coworkers. Leading a team of 30 to 40 high school students and young adults, I prioritized providing constructive feedback and offering mentorship when able. In doing so, I enabled them to enhance their skills and cultivate a mindset of success inside and outside the workplace. Several of my former colleagues have taken these lessons to heart, embarking on careers in entrepreneurship or pursuing advanced studies at the graduate level.
As an aspiring naval officer, I am confident in my ability to uphold the Navy's core values of honor, courage, and commitment. Moreso, I believe that by nurturing capability and fostering critical thinking skills in those around me, I can make a lasting impact on the Navy and its personnel."
exNavyOffRec
Well-Known Member
Unless you have a waiver the odds of anyone reading your statement besides you and your recruiter are almost zero, aviation cares about ASTB scores, and that 8 for FOFAR will do you well.
ActuallyPoetic
Member
Hey y'all, I'm currently writing my motivational statement for a pilot position; however, I keep on finding conflicting guidelines online. What is the word limit or page limit for these writing samples? My recruiter told me around 750 words or 1 pg limit max; yet, I see that the majority of writing samples online are all over the aforementioned limit.
also what are solid things that the reviewing committee would like to see from an amazing motivational statement
also what are solid things that the reviewing committee would like to see from an amazing motivational statement
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dalovedocta
New Member
Applying for intel. Received a medical waiver, and there are mixed statements on this thread as to if that is something you should address within the statement. With that said, here is what I have thus far. Any advice would be appreciated.
Growing up amidst a family deeply rooted in public service, I witnessed firsthand the immense impact dedicated individuals can have on the lives of others. This instilled in me a profound sense of responsibility and a yearning to contribute to the greater good. As the maritime domain becomes increasingly complex and critical, I'm drawn to the challenges and opportunities of Naval Intelligence. The prospect of using my analytical skills to decipher complex information, unravel intricate geopolitical landscapes, and contribute to strategic decision-making that safeguards our nation's security deeply excites me. More than just a job, becoming a Naval Intelligence Officer embodies my desire to apply my research expertise, honed through academic research in political science and history as well as policy analysis at a state and national level, to directly serve my country and protect the global community. The dedication, integrity, and collaborative spirit I've observed in Naval personnel resonate deeply with my own values, and I'm eager to join this esteemed team and contribute my unique strengths to upholding national security.
My academic journey began working on academic research delving into the power structures of authoritarian regimes in [not listing specific countries for privacy] Following this, I transitioned to a role in historical research, set to be published by [a university press] in 2025. This research has honed my ability to analyze complex information and extract critical insights. Transitioning to a policy intern role at the (my state) Legislature, I led a team of ten, tracking over 1,100 pieces of legislation. I researched and analyzed policies across regions, effectively communicating my findings to state legislators. This experience, paired with my current role as a legislative assistant, solidified my skills in policy analysis, communication, and independent task management.
My passion for clear communication extends beyond policy. As a nationally-recognized debater, I learned to present complex arguments persuasively, a skill invaluable in intelligence work. Furthermore, in addition to my leadership experience managing a team of ten, as treasurer of [my university], I managed a $40,000 budget for 3,000 students, fostering collaboration and effective resource allocation. Mentoring incoming students as an ambassador further cemented my understanding of duty, responsibility, and commitment to community. My dedication to service transcends professional roles. Volunteering in my community, coaching young debaters, and participating in community events instilled in me empathy, teamwork, and a commitment to giving back.
Serving as a Naval Intelligence Officer would be the culmination of my experiences. If selected to serve my country as an intelligence officer, I would apply my research skills, leadership qualities, and unwavering dedication to national security to this vital mission. To do such would be the opportunity of a lifetime, and I am honored to be considered for this role.
Growing up amidst a family deeply rooted in public service, I witnessed firsthand the immense impact dedicated individuals can have on the lives of others. This instilled in me a profound sense of responsibility and a yearning to contribute to the greater good. As the maritime domain becomes increasingly complex and critical, I'm drawn to the challenges and opportunities of Naval Intelligence. The prospect of using my analytical skills to decipher complex information, unravel intricate geopolitical landscapes, and contribute to strategic decision-making that safeguards our nation's security deeply excites me. More than just a job, becoming a Naval Intelligence Officer embodies my desire to apply my research expertise, honed through academic research in political science and history as well as policy analysis at a state and national level, to directly serve my country and protect the global community. The dedication, integrity, and collaborative spirit I've observed in Naval personnel resonate deeply with my own values, and I'm eager to join this esteemed team and contribute my unique strengths to upholding national security.
My academic journey began working on academic research delving into the power structures of authoritarian regimes in [not listing specific countries for privacy] Following this, I transitioned to a role in historical research, set to be published by [a university press] in 2025. This research has honed my ability to analyze complex information and extract critical insights. Transitioning to a policy intern role at the (my state) Legislature, I led a team of ten, tracking over 1,100 pieces of legislation. I researched and analyzed policies across regions, effectively communicating my findings to state legislators. This experience, paired with my current role as a legislative assistant, solidified my skills in policy analysis, communication, and independent task management.
My passion for clear communication extends beyond policy. As a nationally-recognized debater, I learned to present complex arguments persuasively, a skill invaluable in intelligence work. Furthermore, in addition to my leadership experience managing a team of ten, as treasurer of [my university], I managed a $40,000 budget for 3,000 students, fostering collaboration and effective resource allocation. Mentoring incoming students as an ambassador further cemented my understanding of duty, responsibility, and commitment to community. My dedication to service transcends professional roles. Volunteering in my community, coaching young debaters, and participating in community events instilled in me empathy, teamwork, and a commitment to giving back.
Serving as a Naval Intelligence Officer would be the culmination of my experiences. If selected to serve my country as an intelligence officer, I would apply my research skills, leadership qualities, and unwavering dedication to national security to this vital mission. To do such would be the opportunity of a lifetime, and I am honored to be considered for this role.
On the long side. A lot of this info appears elsewhere in your package? Keep distilling. It’s a good story.
"If i had more time, I would have written a shorter letter".
exNavyOffRec
Well-Known Member
Medical info is not seen by the board, they have no need to.
ActuallyPoetic
Member
Applying for pilot position, any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Currently my first draft but keen to revise and edit to strengthen certain key points/themes:
As the son of low-income, immigrant parents who worked blue-collar jobs, I never had any real exposure to aviation or to a career in aviation. Nor did I ever have a strong affinity towards S.T.E.M. or a S.T.E.M.-related career as a kid as I was never exposed to that either - having been exposed only to the occupations of family members such as construction workers, carpenters, etc. However, it was until one random day during the 6th grade when my attitude and interest towards both would instantly change.
My 6th grade class had gone on a class field trip to our local community college where a former NASA astronaut (Jose M. Hernandez) was hosting a presentation for local elementary kids detailing his journey from working in the fields as a child to his voyage into space all while growing up in the same town that I currently lived in - Stockton, CA. I had no strong interest going into the presentation given that I had no idea what being an astronaut entailed. However, my attitude quickly changed the instant I saw him. To see someone who looked like me and from a similar background had caused something within me to just naturally gravitate towards him. And as he was detailing more about his journey and his love for science and engineering, I sat there quietly in awe while taking mental notes. It was then that the idea of becoming an astronaut was quietly sowed into my mind. I left that evening confidently knowing that people who looked like me and who came from similar backgrounds were far more capable than just being construction workers, carpenters, etc. I left with the strong belief that immigrants like myself can become engineers, scientists, and astronauts just like Jose.
It was then that my interest in space and becoming an astronaut began. I spent countless days investigating the steps it takes to become an astronaut, and it was then that I found that there was one trait shared among most astronauts - most were former U.S. Navy pilots. And it was after deciding to attend UC Santa Barbara as a physics major that following my four years there that I was going to join the U.S. Navy to become a naval officer and pilot in order to accomplish my dreams of becoming a NASA astronaut in the distant future.
While certainly difficult, my four years at UC Santa Barbara were extremely formative and taught me what it takes to be successful in all my endeavors - experiences and skills that I believe will correlate to my success as a naval officer and pilot. For example, the perseverance and resilience that I strengthened over the 4 years from having to balance and excel with a rigorous course load, work as a student-researcher, and while maintaining a healthy physique through adequate weight training and dieting - all with the goal of becoming a U.S. Navy pilot and eventual NASA astronaut in the back of my mind. Or the importance of leadership and building a community that I further learned from working and serving for programs and organizations such as my experience working for the UCSB MESA program during the summers of 2021 and 2022 where I worked as a mentor/tutor/resident assistant. A position that relies heavily on the work of the student employees as we were the ones who actively managed and ensured that the summer program ran smoothly on-site. From managing around 28-30 underrepresented first-year and transfer students each summer, I worked with students ensuring that they all attended all their summer courses, were provided adequate and helpful tutoring services, and hosted S.T.E.M. workshops and team-building activities daily all while also ensuring that each group of students each summer entered UC Santa Barbara confident in their skills to succeed.
And yet, after all these years and experiences, I still hold dear one particular core value: the importance of serving others. Whether that be my parents by ensuring the best future for our family or my fellow underrepresented students in their academic careers, I believe that there is no better way to continue serving others than to serve my country all while continuing to pursue and accomplish my dreams of becoming a U.S. Navy pilot and eventual NASA astronaut.
As the son of low-income, immigrant parents who worked blue-collar jobs, I never had any real exposure to aviation or to a career in aviation. Nor did I ever have a strong affinity towards S.T.E.M. or a S.T.E.M.-related career as a kid as I was never exposed to that either - having been exposed only to the occupations of family members such as construction workers, carpenters, etc. However, it was until one random day during the 6th grade when my attitude and interest towards both would instantly change.
My 6th grade class had gone on a class field trip to our local community college where a former NASA astronaut (Jose M. Hernandez) was hosting a presentation for local elementary kids detailing his journey from working in the fields as a child to his voyage into space all while growing up in the same town that I currently lived in - Stockton, CA. I had no strong interest going into the presentation given that I had no idea what being an astronaut entailed. However, my attitude quickly changed the instant I saw him. To see someone who looked like me and from a similar background had caused something within me to just naturally gravitate towards him. And as he was detailing more about his journey and his love for science and engineering, I sat there quietly in awe while taking mental notes. It was then that the idea of becoming an astronaut was quietly sowed into my mind. I left that evening confidently knowing that people who looked like me and who came from similar backgrounds were far more capable than just being construction workers, carpenters, etc. I left with the strong belief that immigrants like myself can become engineers, scientists, and astronauts just like Jose.
It was then that my interest in space and becoming an astronaut began. I spent countless days investigating the steps it takes to become an astronaut, and it was then that I found that there was one trait shared among most astronauts - most were former U.S. Navy pilots. And it was after deciding to attend UC Santa Barbara as a physics major that following my four years there that I was going to join the U.S. Navy to become a naval officer and pilot in order to accomplish my dreams of becoming a NASA astronaut in the distant future.
While certainly difficult, my four years at UC Santa Barbara were extremely formative and taught me what it takes to be successful in all my endeavors - experiences and skills that I believe will correlate to my success as a naval officer and pilot. For example, the perseverance and resilience that I strengthened over the 4 years from having to balance and excel with a rigorous course load, work as a student-researcher, and while maintaining a healthy physique through adequate weight training and dieting - all with the goal of becoming a U.S. Navy pilot and eventual NASA astronaut in the back of my mind. Or the importance of leadership and building a community that I further learned from working and serving for programs and organizations such as my experience working for the UCSB MESA program during the summers of 2021 and 2022 where I worked as a mentor/tutor/resident assistant. A position that relies heavily on the work of the student employees as we were the ones who actively managed and ensured that the summer program ran smoothly on-site. From managing around 28-30 underrepresented first-year and transfer students each summer, I worked with students ensuring that they all attended all their summer courses, were provided adequate and helpful tutoring services, and hosted S.T.E.M. workshops and team-building activities daily all while also ensuring that each group of students each summer entered UC Santa Barbara confident in their skills to succeed.
And yet, after all these years and experiences, I still hold dear one particular core value: the importance of serving others. Whether that be my parents by ensuring the best future for our family or my fellow underrepresented students in their academic careers, I believe that there is no better way to continue serving others than to serve my country all while continuing to pursue and accomplish my dreams of becoming a U.S. Navy pilot and eventual NASA astronaut.
Average Monke
A primate with internet access
As this is a first draft, I'm going to focus on content rather than writing. My immediate impression is that you want to be an astronaut, and are simply using the Navy as stepping stone. It's certainly not clear that you care about serving in the Navy or even flying. I have a strong feeling that will not be viewed positively by the board. Thus, I would not mentioned wanting to be an astronaut anywhere in your motivational statement so I would scrap the first three paragraphs entirely.
IMO there are essentially three points you want to touch on.
1. Why do you want to become a Navy Officer? Naval Aviators are officers first and foremost. You need to demonstrate that you both have the desire and ability to be a leader.
2. What do you bring to the Navy? The impression I get reading your first draft is that you are receiving much more than you giving (this is normal for first drafts). Tell, or more effectively show, what skills you bring to the table. You have some good bits already in your fourth paragraph, but they could be fleshed out quite a bit.
3. Why do you want to be a naval aviator? Wanting to be an astronaut is not exactly a compelling answer. Military aviation in general is quite a dangerous profession and so have WANT to pursue this career. Off the top of my head, the Marines lost 5 in a CH-53E crash in California, the Army 3 from a MH-60 crash in Med, and the Air Force 7 in an MV-22 crash off the coast of Japan just this past year. These were all in training/non-combat operations.
If you your motivational statement answers those three questions, you should be golden.
PS This is nitpicky, but "pilots" in the Navy are called "Naval Aviators". You are applying for the position of SNA (Student Naval Aviator).