Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[Joeski]

Evening Gents!

This is my first shot at a moto statement. I'm trying to take a slightly different approach than what I've seen. FYI: I know what you'll think after reading the first sentence... It's not what you think, and I realize its a bit longer than 400 words. How strict is the length limit? Any feedback would be appreciated, please let me know if my different approach is a good for differentiating myself or if I'm barking up the wrong tree. I appreciate everyone's help, all of you are an excellent resource for OCS hopefulls like myself, thanks and keep it up!

In an industry where the recent economic downturn has devastated the potential for career opportunities, I managed to find an excellent career opportunity. As a recent college graduate, I wasn?t going to let my lack of experience hold me back, my determination and motivation are what led me to my current position. By finding a well paying job with excellent advancement opportunities I am labeled as successful by my peers. This speaks to how success is measured in modern American society: one?s ability to generate income and the size of that income. I?ll agree that I succeeded in finding an opportunity in a market where many cannot but my definition of success is far different from the aforementioned definition. My definition of success is overcoming challenges few have the motivation to overcome, leading by example while helping others realize their potential and succeeding in a career field where success is not measured by the size of one?s bank account. My life goal is to succeed as a United States Naval Officer, where success is measured by occupational ability, motivation, mental ability, determination, physical ability, excellent leadership and a genuine commitment to defending the freedom and liberty of the USA.
The ability to gain the respect of my peers and lead them to their own success, my own ability to rise to the challenge and perform beyond expectations and physical capability: these are three reasons why I believe I will excel as a Naval Officer. In my current profession the interns look up to me as a leader because I set the bar for performance and I?m always willing to help them reach their potential. I earned the highest score on my Series 6 exam and I know how to complete every project correctly, quickly and efficiently. Since I have been there, every intern has passed the Series 6 and we have had kudos, not complaints on our completed projects. During my first internship, we were challenged with production goals to earn a trip to Milwaukee for the company annual meeting. I surpassed that production goal and ranked among the top 10% of interns nationally. Before my senior year of high school, I never played football competitively. I began training with the team in January and went to tryouts in July with high hopes. I made the Varsity team. In a short period of time I was able to build enough strength and show the team I was capable to make plays on Thursday nights.
As a Naval Officer, I will be able to become part of something much larger than myself. I have accomplished much at a young age but I strive to earn the ultimate accomplishment: The responsibility of a United States Naval Officer. The Navy can and should expect a lot from me. The skills I will learn as a Naval Officer will mold me into an excellent leader and I genuinely believe I can become an asset to the fleet.

 

[m26]

As regards the word limit, I'll copy and paste my answer to the same question at usnavyocs:

They're not going to count up the words, but why chance it?

Having 401 words, let alone 450, can show the board any of the following:

-you can't/don't/won't follow directions on a simple form
-you can't/don't/won't do as your told -or- you lack attention to detail
-you're more concerned with saying what you want than its impact on others
-you'll try to cut corners/cheat the system
-you can't meet the standards asked of you
-you're not a very good writer


Unless you are in a freak class of economical writers, I can almost guarantee that your statement could lose 15-25 rather extraneous words. If it's like most I've seen you probably have 100+ truly unnecessary words in there.

I highly doubt you'll get canned for 402 or even 415+ words. But WHY???

As for the essay, I love the basic idea, hate the execution. By the third sentence I didn't like you, and the whole thing just makes you come off as arrogant. If you fine tune the language a little bit, though, your approach will work great, and your "arrogance" (IMHO) can be turned into a demonstration of confidence and your abilities.

 

[Joeski]

m26,

You're right, after reading it again, it does sound very self serving and arrogant. Thanks for the honest feedback. I'll give it a revamp. Do you mind if I PM you with the next draft?

 

[m26]

Yeah, sure.

 

[rmalama]

Hey all. I've been pouring through this thread and the best advice I came up with is

1. Answer the question: "Why do you want to be a Naval Officer?"
2. Answer the question: "Why would you be a good naval officer?"
3. (Most importantly) Make it your own

After a couple rough outlines I came up with this rough draft. Any input/direction is mucho appreciated. Its 398/400 words. Let me know what you think!!

My direction from this point in life is to earn a commission as a Student Naval Aviator, gain experience as an Officer through the Navy?s world class education and leadership training and then combine said training with my personal strengths within the Navy as a career.
I started my journey to this career entering the University of Washington with the intention of becoming a medical doctor. During senior year after finishing all required pre-med credits I had a chance to travel [with UW] to South Africa and work in a local township. I conducted my own class for 3 months teaching the students during the day and training the teachers in the new physics/organic chemistry requirements after class. The purpose of mentioning this example is not to gloat. During my experience in South Africa I realized that I didn?t want to be a doctor because of the title or because doctors are ?cool,? it was because I enjoyed the responsibility needed and the intelligence required to motivate a large group of [intelligent] people.
Looking further into the past I realized it was my activities and direction in life fully shaped who I have become. For example, joining the Boy Scouts was the single best decision I?ve ever made. The day I met my scoutmaster I told him I was going to become an Eagle Scout, he laughed and said to take one step at a time. The Boy Scouts teach planning and organization, instills ethics, the importance of goals but most importantly teamwork--all qualities that define me. I earned Eagle Scout shortly before graduating high school, my greatest accomplishment yet. I?ve used these skills in everything from camping with friends, working as a lifeguard through high school to resuscitating a heart attack victim [my own father].
Eagle Scout, Student, Teacher, these aren?t the things I?ve done; they were paths I pursued that shaped who I have become. The path in ones life will only lead to fulfillment by following their strengths/passions and using them to overcome challenges. Though a path to commissioning into the Navy will be challenging nonetheless I am confident my experiences and strengths have shaped me as a strong Officer Candidate. Lastly I am excited to join the Navy. I am a type-A, go-fast, lead or be led, competitive person. Nothing would fit my personality and strengths so much as becoming a Naval Officer.

 

[m26]

If the brackets are supposed to be part of the essay, you're using them wrong.

I'll get into this tomorrow... The obvious problem - after the brackets - is that (now here's a first) you're actually not being oblique enough. You need to show your qualities more and tell of them less.

 

[rmalama]

Yea the brackets are wrong. I'm revising it.

 

[m26]

I'm sure I did this one. Did I PM you, or did I forget to post it?

 

[rmalama]

I just checked my inbox...don't have anything. I wrote another draft, I'll pm you.

 

[GlennH]

Looking for some input on my MS. Go ahead and tear it apart - I don't care.... I just want it to be as good as it can be.

I am writing this to you from a small beach town in northern Peru. Over the past two months I have been traveling throughout South America. The experience has opened my eyes as to why our country is so great, and why we must protect it. Now, and even before this trip, I have had a strong desire to serve my country. It is the greatest place in the world to live, and it would be an honor to help insure the safety of our land.
When I am older I want to be able to look back at what I?ve done in my life and be proud of it. To me, there would be no greater source of pride than to serve as an officer in the United States Navy. There are many hardships which one has to endure to achieve the rank of ensign, but that is a small price to pay for lifelong pride.
I would be an asset in our nation?s military as a naval officer because of my leadership abilities, life experience, maturity, physical condition, and a strong desire to be successful. As a foreman of a house painting crew I have demonstrated leadership in a physically and often mentally stressful situation. I believe I show great leadership potential because of my intelligence, people skills, and ability to persevere through unpleasant circumstances.
I am only 22 years old, but I believe my life experience and maturity far exceeds my age. In the past two to three years in particular I have grown up a lot. It sounds strange, but getting arrested 2 ½ years ago was actually a good thing in that it taught me to be more responsible for my actions. Backpacking alone around South America has been a great experience which has made me aware of other people?s cultures and ways of life. It has taught me to better cope with the stress of different situations which independent budget travel often thrusts upon you. Also, I have an excellent employment record. My previous bosses have nothing but good things to say about my reliability, attitude, and work ethic. I am in great shape and have confidence in my ability to handle any physical challenge that?s thrown at me.
If given this opportunity, I will work tirelessly and do everything I have to do to be the best naval officer and pilot I can possibly be.

 

[yakboyslim]

@glennh

I will give it another more thorough look, hopefully, tonight. Initial response is needs trimmed, a lot of excess words. Also a little too much talk about your traits and not enough examples. The part about employment record is not bad, but... too much, maybe.

Also writing about your arrest is a good thing. That's how to handle something like that on an app, but you might want to say more about it. Right now you just say you learned from it, if you can show a little more of that it might be beneficial.

It has potential, but it needs some work.

 

[arepko]

Motivational Statement

Just wondering if I can get some critiquing on this... (I know it still needs a bit of fine tuning...)Thanks!

I have been instilled with a desire to serve and protect the United States and the freedoms we take for granted. Serving in the Armed Forces has been a tradition in my family for many generations including great grandparents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and my brother who is currently a Staff Sergeant in the Air Force Reserve. I have been inspired by my family members that have served, and still serve, with honor, and would like to continue this tradition that my family has set.

Becoming a Naval Officer means joining a community of leadership and setting the right example for subordinates. This will take hard work and dedication to earn the respect of those in the Naval Community. I am accustomed to hard work being a Technology Coordinator. Many of my duties, such as managing the upkeep of our computer network, are time sensitive and deadlines must be met. There are many times when working from home or after hours is a necessity to get the job/task done quickly and accurately. Being a Technology Coordinator also requires excellent people skills. I often demonstrate or give ideas to fellow faculty members to enhance productivity, creativity, and learning in their classrooms. There are many times when I must answer questions and solve problems with people far less experienced than myself, in a professional manner; including helping my fellow Technology Coordinators learn the ins and outs of our new website, explaining to a teacher how to print to a new copy machine, or even helping a student access their homework electronically. Teamwork is something that most jobs require to function properly and a crucial part in the Navy; whether it be soling network issues or deploying new hardware, working as a Technology Coordinator requires working in a team on a daily basis and helped become an excellent teammate as well as a team leader.

My immediate goal is to become an exemplary Naval Officer. My longterm goal is to become a Naval Aviator and to serve the United States with distinction, utilizing the Navy?s core values: Honor, Courage, and Commitment. I understand that seeking Naval Aviation as a profession requires being a Naval Officer first and foremost. I look forward to what the Navy has to offer and what I can offer to the Navy. It would be an honor and privilege to join the Navy and serve with those currently in the Armed Forces.

 

[m26]

Utilizing honor... Is that a contradiction in terms?


I'm over quota for today, but I couldn't lay off that one. Also, having read the last 50-odd statements posted I find the throwaway core values line(s) extremely annoying, and I'd bet the board readers feel the same way.

 

[arepko]

Motivational Statement

Utilizing honor... Is that a contradiction in terms?


I'm over quota for today, but I couldn't lay off that one. Also, having read the last 50-odd statements posted I find the throwaway core values line(s) extremely annoying, and I'd bet the board readers feel the same way.

G.P. (Good Point)

 

[DJCarrQuincy]

Comments on Motivational Statement

I am applying to Navy OCS. I wanted to try not to include too much fluff about why I want to be in the Navy, because I figure they hear it all the time. I thought it is more important to explain why the Navy should consider me over other candidates. Is this a good approach? Here it is:

I believe that to be a Commissioned Officer in the United States Navy one must be a leader, a teacher and a student. I have 10 years of work experience as a civilian and during my career I’ve worked in several different roles in the construction field. Early on, I spent my time in the trenches as a laborer. However, as time has progressed, I have become responsible for supervising construction projects and I’ve done a bit of everything else in between. I have learned from many great people along the way and each day I try to share that knowledge with the new people I encounter.

I always take on the toughest jobs with my sleeves rolled up because I know you have to be willing to get your hands dirty to ensure a job gets done properly. Also, you can’t have high expectations for the people around you if you yourself aren’t willing to put in the extra effort to succeed.

My entire career, I have kept my head down, worked as hard as I could and I’ve been successful, but recently I find myself not feeling fulfilled with the work I am doing anymore. I recognize now, it’s because I want to be a part of something much bigger and more important. The Navy has driven so many individuals before me to be their absolute best. I believe that serving in the Navy will allow me to reach my full potential and that I can help bring out the best in others. I will gladly accept any job the Navy puts before me and I’ll approach that job with unwavering dedication

I have never felt stronger mentally or physically than I do today. Becoming a Naval Officer is something I not only want to do; it is something I need to do to satisfy a sense of duty and responsibility to my country and my family. This sense of duty has always been there and I now have a level of maturity that sets me apart from other candidates. Nothing would make me more proud than to be a part of the rich tradition and history of the United States Navy and serve my country as a Commissioned Officer.