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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
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flyingpixies200
New Member
Need help with my essay!!!
I am applying for SWO and I am turning in my package at the end of the week to be reviewed next month. Below is a very rough draft along with my stats. Any help would be awesome!!!
SWO
OAR Score- 45
GPA- 2.6 University of Maryland B.S Kinesiology
Played Varsity High School Soccer, Guam National Team Women's U19 Soccer, College Soccer, Hispanic Club Member
My aspirations to serve my country are not based on a romanticized notion of what a Naval Officer is thought to be, but the realism of the strength necessary from every Naval officer. My father was a career Naval Officer who showed exemplary strength throughout his illustrious career spanning from an enlisted sailor to retiring as a Lieutenant Commander after serving his country faithfully for 30 years. I have been exposed to the lifestyle and fortitude that surrounds the Navy my entire life. However, growing up I never desired to follow in my father’s footsteps until my senior year of college and towards the end of my father’s profound career. I then fully understood the sacrifice, responsibility, and maturity that is needed in order to honorably serve my country.
The reasons I desire a commission in the United States Navy are concise and simple. The Navy needs decisive, professional and knowledgeable leaders to carry on the traditions and excellence for which we are known. I want to cultivate my talents to better serve my nation and fellow citizens.
Upon obtaining a commission in the United States Navy, I will strive to provide the dynamic leadership. Participating in various soccer teams and organizations has taught me to constantly try to improve myself, as well as how to work with others towards a common goal. I have never been afraid to work hard and take a leadership position and feel that it has helped me to mature and stay accountable for my actions.
While pursuing my college degree in Kinesiology, though my GPA was average, I concurrently maintained two part-time jobs, participated in university intramural soccer and community club soccer, a member of Enlances Latinos Americanos, a Hispanic leadership Club, and was an avid student leader. Despite my GPA, I was recognized as a leader and given the position of North Campus Facility Supervisor at my campus recreation center where I supervised 10-15 student employees and 2,000-4,000 students and faculty recreation members. Since college, I have worked with various soccer clubs in the Hampton Roads, Virginia area improving the confidence and athletic abilities of young girls within my community.
As the daughter of a respected Naval Officer, I have a great deal of pride for my country and social responsibility. My life and work experiences have ingrained the traditions of honor, responsibility, and maturity that come with being a leader in the Navy. This is why I want to serve my country and humbly ask for a commission.
I am applying for SWO and I am turning in my package at the end of the week to be reviewed next month. Below is a very rough draft along with my stats. Any help would be awesome!!!
SWO
OAR Score- 45
GPA- 2.6 University of Maryland B.S Kinesiology
Played Varsity High School Soccer, Guam National Team Women's U19 Soccer, College Soccer, Hispanic Club Member
My aspirations to serve my country are not based on a romanticized notion of what a Naval Officer is thought to be, but the realism of the strength necessary from every Naval officer. My father was a career Naval Officer who showed exemplary strength throughout his illustrious career spanning from an enlisted sailor to retiring as a Lieutenant Commander after serving his country faithfully for 30 years. I have been exposed to the lifestyle and fortitude that surrounds the Navy my entire life. However, growing up I never desired to follow in my father’s footsteps until my senior year of college and towards the end of my father’s profound career. I then fully understood the sacrifice, responsibility, and maturity that is needed in order to honorably serve my country.
The reasons I desire a commission in the United States Navy are concise and simple. The Navy needs decisive, professional and knowledgeable leaders to carry on the traditions and excellence for which we are known. I want to cultivate my talents to better serve my nation and fellow citizens.
Upon obtaining a commission in the United States Navy, I will strive to provide the dynamic leadership. Participating in various soccer teams and organizations has taught me to constantly try to improve myself, as well as how to work with others towards a common goal. I have never been afraid to work hard and take a leadership position and feel that it has helped me to mature and stay accountable for my actions.
While pursuing my college degree in Kinesiology, though my GPA was average, I concurrently maintained two part-time jobs, participated in university intramural soccer and community club soccer, a member of Enlances Latinos Americanos, a Hispanic leadership Club, and was an avid student leader. Despite my GPA, I was recognized as a leader and given the position of North Campus Facility Supervisor at my campus recreation center where I supervised 10-15 student employees and 2,000-4,000 students and faculty recreation members. Since college, I have worked with various soccer clubs in the Hampton Roads, Virginia area improving the confidence and athletic abilities of young girls within my community.
As the daughter of a respected Naval Officer, I have a great deal of pride for my country and social responsibility. My life and work experiences have ingrained the traditions of honor, responsibility, and maturity that come with being a leader in the Navy. This is why I want to serve my country and humbly ask for a commission.
Doing this fast, so pulling no punches. I give it a C-
(I love intramural soccer and wouldn?t give it up for the world. Just... don?t mention your GPA. At all. Period.)
And you don?t ask for a commission (at least, not as a SWO). You want the opportunity to attempt to earn one.
I have some nitpicks here, but let?s leave them aside, because this is just not good writing. What you are coming closest to saying ?my desire to serve is based on the real duties and lifestyle of naval officers rather than some sophomoric dream thereof? is, I sense, perhaps not what you were trying to say. Rather, ?I know what it is like and aspire to that rather than the hollywood version.? At any rate, this sentence is WAY too convoluted.
Fix this.
There?s nothing particularly wrong with this. It just sounds weird.
Huh? ?I didn?t, then suddenly I did.? You must explain the sudden turnaround.
I?m 78% confident that reasons can?t be concise.
?We?? And who are you to tell the selection committee what they need?
Cart-horse, horse-cart.
What is dynamic leadership? Is it necessarily better than... idk, static(?)... leadership?
What? That?s two things and a singular pronoun.
So, despite your mediocre GPA, you decided not to focus on your studies but rather spend your time doping around on extracurriculars?
(I love intramural soccer and wouldn?t give it up for the world. Just... don?t mention your GPA. At all. Period.)
Once again, don?t mention your GPA. This paragraph is entirely unnecessary because all this is on your résumé (or should be). You needed to cut 20 words. Voilà.
You have pride in social responsibility?
My life and work experiences have groomed me perfectly to be the assistant manager at my local Starbucks but that?s not a very good reason for me to walk down there and apply.
And you don?t ask for a commission (at least, not as a SWO). You want the opportunity to attempt to earn one.
flyingpixies200
New Member
M26, this was a very rough draft. It was a combination of my ideas and my boyfriend's who was prior enlisted before being an Officer and tries to relate his experiences to mine. The paragraph is scratched. However, other than the stuff about ym dad don't know how to start this thing. My boyfriend hates very fluffy Navy and is kinda demanding so you can figure out what his input is. Now my application is pretty stellar for the exception of my grades which I can't do anything about. I had to work two jobs in order to pay my out of state tuition and my time on the weekends were for hispanic club and an hour of soccer to stay in shape. You make it seem as if I flaked on school to do all these other things. Now I felt that I needed to explain my average 2.6 GPA, which is why I mentioned it. So how should I fluff that?
What I'm saying is that when you draw attention to the fact that your GPA was low amidst all this other stuff, you force them to say, "Why was she doing all this when she couldn't keep a 3.0?" What you should do instead (based on the collective wisdom of pretty much every college and law school admissions officer I've ever talked to) is simply relate all these activities, particularly the work. They will serve as an explanation in the board's mind, rather than as an excuse.
And you'll have to clarify for me what you mean by "fluffy navy."
Don't force anything when you write. First state exactly what you mean, simply and concisely, then go back and add flourishes if you like. A subdued, competent essay is always better than a florid but overwrought one.
PS - Are going to retake (/have you retaken) the ASTB? Test scores are probably the easiest way to dig out of a GPA hole.
And you'll have to clarify for me what you mean by "fluffy navy."
Don't force anything when you write. First state exactly what you mean, simply and concisely, then go back and add flourishes if you like. A subdued, competent essay is always better than a florid but overwrought one.
PS - Are going to retake (/have you retaken) the ASTB? Test scores are probably the easiest way to dig out of a GPA hole.
flyingpixies200
New Member
My recruiter suggest that I shouldn't retake the test. I have 8 LORs, 3 from Captains, 3 from Commanders one being the CO of the Blue Angels and 2 LCDR. I might be able to get an Admiral.
I was wondering where this thread went. M26, good advice as always.
Also, so everyone knows, it is hard to critique these things. Me and m26 are both just guys who got selected. It is hard to tell people what is good and bad since we have no authority, we are just both pretty good writers and feel we have a decent sense of how to write these things. Don't make it harder for us to give any notes, because it is a fine line for us to walk between being helpful and being friendly. If it is bad writing we have to be able to say that without worrying too much about hurting feelings.
Also just a note to anyone reading this thread for ideas and help - don't overwrite. If you are not a great writer (aka you don't consider yourself to be excellent at writing) don't try to be fancy. I consider myself a good writer, and a lot of my stuff sounds like a grade schooler. A grade schooler with good grammar and very EFFICIENT word choice.
Don't use fancy words when simple ones will suffice (unless you actually use those words in normal day-to-day life), don't write in complex sentence structures unless you feel comfortable with them, and don't write anything unless you know exactly what you mean. If you don't know what you mean you cannot convey anything through writing, except that you don't know what you mean. A lot of these moti statements only convey a lack of a firm understanding of the person's motivation.
So sit and really figure out why you want this. You should really do that part no matter what. Once you really know, write it out like you are talking someone. This way you make good word choices- actual words you use, not thesaurus words. You can always correct the passive voice and pronoun issues that come from using a conversational style (this is much easier for a proofreader to help with). It is much harder to make something sound genuine that YOU could not come up with without using Word.
I think the Navy is not looking for the next great American novel (in 300 words). They want to know what motivates you, why you belong, and why the Navy, in 300 well chosen words with NO grammatical, spelling or punctuation issues. They don't need to be blown away by each sentence, but each word should have purpose (this means no filler)
Well, that was more than I intended to put. Anyway, I hope it is useful and I hope I did not speak too much for m26 above.
Also, so everyone knows, it is hard to critique these things. Me and m26 are both just guys who got selected. It is hard to tell people what is good and bad since we have no authority, we are just both pretty good writers and feel we have a decent sense of how to write these things. Don't make it harder for us to give any notes, because it is a fine line for us to walk between being helpful and being friendly. If it is bad writing we have to be able to say that without worrying too much about hurting feelings.
Also just a note to anyone reading this thread for ideas and help - don't overwrite. If you are not a great writer (aka you don't consider yourself to be excellent at writing) don't try to be fancy. I consider myself a good writer, and a lot of my stuff sounds like a grade schooler. A grade schooler with good grammar and very EFFICIENT word choice.
Don't use fancy words when simple ones will suffice (unless you actually use those words in normal day-to-day life), don't write in complex sentence structures unless you feel comfortable with them, and don't write anything unless you know exactly what you mean. If you don't know what you mean you cannot convey anything through writing, except that you don't know what you mean. A lot of these moti statements only convey a lack of a firm understanding of the person's motivation.
So sit and really figure out why you want this. You should really do that part no matter what. Once you really know, write it out like you are talking someone. This way you make good word choices- actual words you use, not thesaurus words. You can always correct the passive voice and pronoun issues that come from using a conversational style (this is much easier for a proofreader to help with). It is much harder to make something sound genuine that YOU could not come up with without using Word.
I think the Navy is not looking for the next great American novel (in 300 words). They want to know what motivates you, why you belong, and why the Navy, in 300 well chosen words with NO grammatical, spelling or punctuation issues. They don't need to be blown away by each sentence, but each word should have purpose (this means no filler)
Well, that was more than I intended to put. Anyway, I hope it is useful and I hope I did not speak too much for m26 above.
EXACTLY what I've been saying, all put together in one nice package. +1m
DON'T OVERWRITE!!! Less is more. (Then you can add some.)
While we are on the subject:
If you are prone to the overcomplicated, you MUST read this:
http://www.mtholyoke.edu/acad/intrel/orwell46.htm
If you escaped HS without reading Elements of Style, you should definitely read it before attempting an essay of any sort:
http://www.bartleby.com/141/
Finally, judging by the last hundred or so posted statements, 97% of you need to have this open as you write:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/
flyingpixies200
New Member
Much improved essay
So m26 here is my new rough draft. I ignored my boyfriend and went with what my sister told me and that is to speak from my heart. So here it goes. Also if anyone else has any input that would be great.
My most influential and profound memory of the Navy was when I was nine years old. I remember waking up late that morning, because I did not have to go to school. My mother dressed my younger sister and I up in matching dresses in order to look presentable at my father’s pinning ceremony. For as long as I was able to walk I participated in my father promotional ceremonies, however this pinning was different then all the ones before and after. This was the day that my father became a Warrant Officer. It was the day that his goals, achievements and integrity were respectfully noted by his leaders. My father was a simple straight-forward man who at 17 enlisted in the military and honorably served his country for 30 years retiring as a Lieutenant Commander. For my father nothing was more important to him then his “word”. To him if you lacked integrity and honesty, then you lacked the ability to lead. These were the values that my father raised me with, the values that I believe to be the foundation of a naval officer.
I pursued several extracurricular activities in high school overseas and college in the states. I spent four years playing varsity soccer in high school (eventually becoming captain my junior and senior year) and in college I was given a spot on my junior college intercollegiate soccer team, improving my skills of teamwork and leadership. I also devoted much of time serving in the military community by volunteering in naval hospitals in Guam and San Diego, CA. I have never been afraid to work hard and take on a leadership role and feel that it has helped me to mature and stay accountable for my actions.
While pursuing my college degree in Kinesiology, I concurrently maintained two part-time jobs and was recognized as a leader by my fellow employers and student co-workers being awarded the position of North Campus Facility Supervisor at my campus recreation center. At 20 years old I was responsible for the safety and security of 10-15 student employees and 2,000-4,000 students and faculty recreation members. Since college, I have coached various soccer clubs in the Hampton Roads, Virginia area improving the confidence and athletic abilities of young girls within my community.
My father’s was my inspiration and motivation to seek a commission as a naval officer. He has embedded in me a deep sense of patriotism, respect and honor for the country that I am proud to be a citizen of. I understand that becoming a naval officer is something not easily attained. I also understand that with this title comes responsibility to set an example for others. Need an ending!!!
So m26 here is my new rough draft. I ignored my boyfriend and went with what my sister told me and that is to speak from my heart. So here it goes. Also if anyone else has any input that would be great.
My most influential and profound memory of the Navy was when I was nine years old. I remember waking up late that morning, because I did not have to go to school. My mother dressed my younger sister and I up in matching dresses in order to look presentable at my father’s pinning ceremony. For as long as I was able to walk I participated in my father promotional ceremonies, however this pinning was different then all the ones before and after. This was the day that my father became a Warrant Officer. It was the day that his goals, achievements and integrity were respectfully noted by his leaders. My father was a simple straight-forward man who at 17 enlisted in the military and honorably served his country for 30 years retiring as a Lieutenant Commander. For my father nothing was more important to him then his “word”. To him if you lacked integrity and honesty, then you lacked the ability to lead. These were the values that my father raised me with, the values that I believe to be the foundation of a naval officer.
I pursued several extracurricular activities in high school overseas and college in the states. I spent four years playing varsity soccer in high school (eventually becoming captain my junior and senior year) and in college I was given a spot on my junior college intercollegiate soccer team, improving my skills of teamwork and leadership. I also devoted much of time serving in the military community by volunteering in naval hospitals in Guam and San Diego, CA. I have never been afraid to work hard and take on a leadership role and feel that it has helped me to mature and stay accountable for my actions.
While pursuing my college degree in Kinesiology, I concurrently maintained two part-time jobs and was recognized as a leader by my fellow employers and student co-workers being awarded the position of North Campus Facility Supervisor at my campus recreation center. At 20 years old I was responsible for the safety and security of 10-15 student employees and 2,000-4,000 students and faculty recreation members. Since college, I have coached various soccer clubs in the Hampton Roads, Virginia area improving the confidence and athletic abilities of young girls within my community.
My father’s was my inspiration and motivation to seek a commission as a naval officer. He has embedded in me a deep sense of patriotism, respect and honor for the country that I am proud to be a citizen of. I understand that becoming a naval officer is something not easily attained. I also understand that with this title comes responsibility to set an example for others. Need an ending!!!
This is SO much better. The first part is excellent - your sister was right.
Now, a few problems remain. You need a good conclusion, and a true transition between the first and second parts of the essay. While adding those, you need to delete a net of about 50 words. You must not fall in love with any particular statement. I've seen people try desperately to keep one or two sentences in the essay, and end up with a deformed mess because they tried to cram something where it doesn't fit. A point is another matter, but be prepared to reword if it's that important to you.
Something to consider:
Try making your last paragraph your second. That will solve your transition problem. Then the (current) middle two paragraphs will serve to explain the last two sentences of the paragraph that is currently last. Then all you will need is a sentence or two tying it all together.
After that's all in order we can help you with trimming words if you still need it.
Definitely don't submit without someone going over it for grammar mistakes. Right now it has a few oversights. I'll be happy to help once it's had a little more time in the oven.
Now, a few problems remain. You need a good conclusion, and a true transition between the first and second parts of the essay. While adding those, you need to delete a net of about 50 words. You must not fall in love with any particular statement. I've seen people try desperately to keep one or two sentences in the essay, and end up with a deformed mess because they tried to cram something where it doesn't fit. A point is another matter, but be prepared to reword if it's that important to you.
Something to consider:
Try making your last paragraph your second. That will solve your transition problem. Then the (current) middle two paragraphs will serve to explain the last two sentences of the paragraph that is currently last. Then all you will need is a sentence or two tying it all together.
After that's all in order we can help you with trimming words if you still need it.
Definitely don't submit without someone going over it for grammar mistakes. Right now it has a few oversights. I'll be happy to help once it's had a little more time in the oven.
@flyingpixies
That's really good. I mean the first paragraph is really good. Some grammar boo-boos and missing words, but those can be ironed out.
m26 is right, the last paragraph or something like it should be used to transition from talking about your dad to talking about you.
To end it you might try polishing up your old ending. It was actually pretty good and will especially shine with these new body paragraphs.
I'm almost scared its too good- you don't have too much "fat" to trim if you go over on word count. It can be done, but all of your sentences serve a purpose so you are going to likely be trimming a word or two at a time. For example "this pinning was diferrent than all the ones before or after" could be "... than all the others". You don't lose any meaning but you shed 3 words.
That's really good. I mean the first paragraph is really good. Some grammar boo-boos and missing words, but those can be ironed out.
m26 is right, the last paragraph or something like it should be used to transition from talking about your dad to talking about you.
To end it you might try polishing up your old ending. It was actually pretty good and will especially shine with these new body paragraphs.
I'm almost scared its too good- you don't have too much "fat" to trim if you go over on word count. It can be done, but all of your sentences serve a purpose so you are going to likely be trimming a word or two at a time. For example "this pinning was diferrent than all the ones before or after" could be "... than all the others". You don't lose any meaning but you shed 3 words.
I don't know. I haven't actually met any other SNFO's, in person or online really. Everyone here at CWRU is a Nuke. I wonder if there is a "type" for BDCP SNFO, and we are it.
See, that's weird too. I applied to CWRU out of high school for reasons I don't much remember, and they ended up flying me to Cleveland for a three day visit/tour/info session type deal. I actually loved it and would have gone in a heartbeat if it wasn't so expensive. So we were this close to being at the same school, too.