Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[twobecrazy]

Yes, *sniffle* it's so hard when they grow up and leave the nest. You try to raise them right....

HAHAHA... Don't worry I'm sure another Dragon will be along shortly...

 

[GreenLantern330]

Hahaha Charlie and twobecrazy, you two are too much hahaha nice work helping everyone!

 

[scarfus]

First, many thanks to twobe and charlie for helping us all out. They've already made their first comments on my statement, and I've made several changes. Here is my motivational statement, mk.II. As I've said before, no quarter...no prisoners...no mercy. Give it to me straight.


My attraction to becoming a Naval Officer, and eventually a Naval Aviator, comes from far more than the desire to abandon the boring desk civilian desk job or to fly advanced military aircraft. Someday, when I am old and sitting in my rocking chair, I wish to be able to look back and say that I had been a part of something great; I had made a difference.
I am inspired by my grandfather, who served during WW2 as an infantryman in the European Theater. He was the program coordinator of VFW Post 9086; as such, my family attended many VFW events. Watching these grayed veterans and the pride and honor they felt for their service to their country moved me. The respect that these men commanded for what they had done so long ago was truly inspirational. Since those days in my youth, I have always had the desire to join the military and serve as so many honorable men and women before me. I decided to attend college first through the advice and inspiration of my parents. Even as I became successful in my professional career, the desire to serve my country only grew stronger. I do not regret choosing this course, as now I am only more certain that my true calling lies with leading the fine men and women of the United States Navy.
Baseball was my first love; I dedicated myself to the sport year-round. When it came time to select a college to attend, I decided that academics, rather than baseball, would be the sole deciding factor in my decision. Fortunately, my desire for competition and athletics led me to find some other like-minded people at the university, and we started the Northeastern Club Baseball team during my sophomore year. I worked tirelessly to establish and maintain the team while simultaneously working towards a highly demanding engineering degree and working for a prominent engineering firm.
Holding oneself to the highest standard is not only of great personal benefit, but also the most important tenet of effective leadership. Thanks to the drive and desire to win that I displayed in my demeanor, on the field, and in the gym, I was nominated as captain. My attitude rubbed off on my teammates, and what resulted was the most cohesive, effective team unit I have ever had the pleasure of being a part of. What makes me most proud is that, despite playing at the club level, we established a winning attitude and dedication that would be the envy of any team. Its success is one of my greatest testaments to the value of hard work and leadership by example, which are qualities that will prove invaluable as a Naval Officer.
Now well into a successful professional career, I crave further fulfillment that I know the United States Navy can give me the tools to achieve. My ultimate goal is not only to lead sailors, but to do so as a Naval Aviator. I have set forth using the same pragmatic, dedicated approach that has served me well in the past to help me achieve it. From preparing my mind by studying aviation principles and flight procedures through simulators and introductory lessons, to preparing my body through a dedicated workout program, and working a second job to pay for my vision correction surgery, I have moved constantly towards my ultimate goal. If given the opportunity enter training, and eventually to serve in the fleet, my established modus operandi would translate to great success as a leader of sailors. It would also serve me well in the academically and physically demanding training environment faced by all student Naval Aviators.
I truly believe that I have found my purpose in life. Service in the United States Navy would not only make full use of all of my physical, intellectual, and leadership abilities, but it would provide the gratification that only service to one's country can provide. To serve at the tip of the spear in the ranks of so many other great Americans would bring great honor that I can truly be proud of for the rest of my days.

 

[twobecrazy]

My attraction to becoming a Naval Officer, and eventually a Naval Aviator, comes from far more than the desire to abandon the boring desk civilian desk job or to fly advanced military aircraft. Someday, when I am old and sitting in my rocking chair, I wish to be able to look back and say that I had been a part of something great; I had made a difference.

You repeat words here in the first bold part above. I still think you shouldn't say boring civilian desk job. Whether you realize this or not you will still be behind a desk as a Naval Aviator during your military career (at some point). Maybe you could say something like My attraction to becoming a Naval Officer, eventually a Naval Aviator, comes far more from the desire to abandon a less fulfilling professional engineering career or flying advanced Naval aircraft. Get rid of the 'be able to' and I think that second sentence sounds better.

I am inspired by my grandfather, who served during WW2 as an infantryman in the European Theater. He was the program coordinator of VFW Post 9086; as such, my family attended many VFW events. Watching these grayed veterans and the pride and honor they felt for their service to their country moved me. The respect that these men commanded for what they had done so long ago was truly inspirational. Since those days in my youth, I have always had the desire to join the military and serve as so many honorable men and women before me. I decided to attend college first through the advice and inspiration of my parents. Even as I became successful in my professional career, the desire to serve my country only grew stronger. I do not regret choosing this course, as now I am only more certain that my true calling lies with leading the fine men and women of the United States Navy.
Baseball was my first love; I dedicated myself to the sport year-round. When it came time to select a college to attend, I decided that academics, rather than baseball, would be the sole deciding factor in my decision. Fortunately, my desire for competition and athletics led me to find some other like-minded people at the university, and we started the Northeastern Club Baseball team during my sophomore year. I worked tirelessly to establish and maintain the team while simultaneously working towards a highly demanding engineering degree and working for a prominent engineering firm.

Much better!

Holding oneself to the highest standard is not only of great personal benefit, but also the most important tenet of effective leadership. Thanks to the drive and desire to win that I displayed in my demeanor, on the field, and in the gym, I was nominated as captain. My attitude rubbed off on my teammates, and what resulted was the most cohesive, effective team unit I have ever had the pleasure of being a part of. What makes me most proud is that, despite playing at the club level, we established a winning attitude and dedication that would be the envy of any team. Its success is one of my greatest testaments to the value of hard work and leadership by example, which are qualities that will prove invaluable as a Naval Officer.

Again this is much better!

Now well into a successful professional career, I crave further fulfillment that I know the United States Navy can give me the tools to achieve. My ultimate goal is not only to lead sailors, but to do so as a Naval Aviator. I have set forth using the same pragmatic, dedicated approach that has served me well in the past to help me achieve it. From preparing my mind by studying aviation principles and flight procedures through simulators and introductory lessons, to preparing my body through a dedicated workout program, and working a second job to pay for my vision correction surgery, I have moved constantly towards my ultimate goal. If given the opportunity enter training, and eventually to serve in the fleet, my established modus operandi would translate to great success as a leader of sailors. It would also serve me well in the academically and physically demanding training environment faced by all student Naval Aviators.

I think provide works better than "give me the tools to achieve." For the second part, I still think this could be worded better. How about this?

After maintaining two careers I was able to afford vision correction surgery. I have prepared myself physically through a dedicated workout regiment. Completing introductory flight lessons I have begun preparing myself mentally. The culmination of these efforts has positioned me towards obtaining this goal.

How about... If given this highly coveted opportunity my established... instead of what you have above in bold. What do you think about these changes?

I truly believe that I have found my purpose in life. Service in the United States Navy would not only make full use of all of my physical, intellectual, and leadership abilities, but it would provide the gratification that only service to one's country can provide. To serve at the tip of the spear in the ranks of so many other great Americans would bring great honor that I can truly be proud of for the rest of my days.

Again I like this ending...

We will see what "Dragon Slayer" has to say. I'm sure she will provide some invaluable insight!

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

***cracks her whip and sharpens her red pencil for the slaying***

I know this is no fun for the people posting...People (a.k.a. "me") ripping apart your statements word by word...But in the end, you will love us for it

My attraction to becoming a Naval Officer, and eventually a Naval Aviator, comes from far more than the desire to abandon the boring desk civilian desk job or to fly advanced military aircraft. Someday, when I am old and sitting in my rocking chair, I wish to be able to look back and say that I had been a part of something great; I had made a difference.

"My attraction to becoming a Naval Officer, and eventually a Naval Aviator, comes from far more than the desire to abandon the boring desk civilian desk job or to fly advanced military aircraft."
I suggest deleting the word "eventually" - if you must use something, try the word "ultimately".

I am inspired by my grandfather, who served during WW2 as an infantryman in the European Theater. He was the program coordinator of VFW Post 9086; as such, my family attended many VFW events. Watching these grayed veterans and the pride and honor they felt for their service to their country moved me. The respect that these men commanded for what they had done so long ago was truly inspirational. Since those days in my youth, I have always had the desire to join the military and serve as so many honorable men and women before me. I decided to attend college first through the advice and inspiration of my parents. Even as I became successful in my professional career, the desire to serve my country only grew stronger. I do not regret choosing this course, as now I am only more certain that my true calling lies with leading the fine men and women of the United States Navy.

"I am inspired by my grandfather, who served during WW2 as an infantryman in the European Theater." - The comma is not necessary - delete it.
"Since those days in my youth, I have always had the desire to join the military and serve as so many honorable men and women before me." - Since what days in your youth? So far, you haven't placed yourself in that timeframe. It's disconnecting to refer to it here in that manner. Writers do this inadvertently all of the time. In their head, they are thinking of their past and poof, write to it...while the reader is wondering what they are smoking and reminiscing about. It's specifically wrong due to the word "those". If you had said "Since my youth"...THEN you are right-then-and-there PLACING yourself in that timeframe and the reader easily follows you into it. Understand?

"I decided to attend college first through the advice and inspiration of my parents. Even as I became successful in my professional career, the desire to serve my country only grew stronger. I do not regret choosing this course, as now I am only more certain that my true calling lies with leading the fine men and women of the United States Navy." - I already told you I didn't like this, and why it was worded poorly...not going to re-write my suggestions again, you can find it in your inbox.

Baseball was my first love; I dedicated myself to the sport year-round. When it came time to select a college to attend, I decided that academics, rather than baseball, would be the sole deciding factor in my decision. Fortunately, my desire for competition and athletics led me to find some other like-minded people at the university, and we started the Northeastern Club Baseball team during my sophomore year. I worked tirelessly to establish and maintain the team while simultaneously working towards a highly demanding engineering degree and working for a prominent engineering firm.

hmmm...let's get to work. As I told you before, I think there are some basic fundamental elements you are missing in your statement (for those unaware, scarfus emailed me for my suggestions previously and I gave him tips to reduce his then ~1000 word statement). You are too in-depth with this and it detracts from your statement instead of adding to it.

"Baseball was my first love; I dedicated myself to the sport year-round." - this says the same thing as "I did nothing but play a game all year long and I loved it."

"When it came time to select a college to attend, I decided that academics, rather than baseball, would be the sole deciding factor in my decision." Let me restate that same sentence and highlight the repeating word...."When it came time to select a college to attend, I decided that academics, rather than baseball, would be the sole deciding factor in my decision." - in wordperfect, highlight word, right click, select "synonym", and choose another word...or in this case, three. Not to mention the sentence makes no sense (sorry this is so harsh). What decision?!? Do not assume the reader follows you in your mind-trip through this statement. I know that YOU know what you are talking about - the real trick is getting your readers to know what you are talking about too. Be specific, consistent, and concise.

"Fortunately, my desire for competition and athletics led me to find some other like-minded people at the university, and we started the Northeastern Club Baseball team during my sophomore year." - Again, too much information...too much irrelevant information. The board doesn't care if found other baseball fans to hang out with.

My suggestion:
"I decided to attend Northeastern University, a school known for its strong academic programs. Although I worked diligently at school, I remained a strong, competitive baseball player. Baseball was a great source of teamwork, leadership, camaraderie, and athletic talent. Through my passion for baseball and dedication to my university and community, I reached out to other like-minded students and created the Northeastern Club Baseball team. Working tirelessly to maintain the team, I successfully managed to simultaneously preserve my dedication to the highly demanding engineering program while working for a prominent engineering firm."

Holding oneself to the highest standard is not only of great personal benefit, but also the most important tenet of effective leadership. Thanks to the drive and desire to win that I displayed in my demeanor, on the field, and in the gym, I was nominated as captain. My attitude rubbed off on my teammates, and what resulted was the most cohesive, effective team unit I have ever had the pleasure of being a part of. What makes me most proud is that, despite playing at the club level, we established a winning attitude and dedication that would be the envy of any team. Its success is one of my greatest testaments to the value of hard work and leadership by example, which are qualities that will prove invaluable as a Naval Officer.

"Holding oneself to the highest standard is not only of great personal benefit, but also the most important tenet of effective leadership." - replace "most important" with one word. Could be a number of things..."principle", "chief", "key", etc.

"Thanks to the drive and desire to win that I displayed in my demeanor, on the field, and in the gym, I was nominated as captain." - you did it again. In this paragraph, what are you the captain of?!? You have to state what that is so your readers don't go "huh?" People don't like to search for answers, they want it pretty black and white. "was nominated as captain on the [state the team or school] baseball team." - it may seem redundant to you but it's not. You moved to another paragraph so you can't expect people to make the connections to other paragraphs unless it's a transitional sentence, and it's not.

"My attitude rubbed off on my teammates, and what resulted was the most cohesive, effective team unit I have ever had the pleasure of being a part of. What makes me most proud is that, despite playing at the club level, we established a winning attitude and dedication that would be the envy of any team." - nothing should "rub-off" on anyone else in a paper...ewwww. try "influenced" instead of "rubbed off on". Besides that, your sentence is not a sentence. Try "My positive attitude influenced my teammates resulting in the most cohesive and effective team unit in which I have ever had the pleasure of working."

"What makes me most proud is that, despite playing at the club level, we established a winning attitude and dedication that would be the envy of any team." - good job but "fluff" to the board. Delete it. Its removal will flow better into the next sentence anyway.

Now well into a successful professional career, I crave further fulfillment that I know the United States Navy can give me the tools to achieve. My ultimate goal is not only to lead sailors, but to do so as a Naval Aviator. I have set forth using the same pragmatic, dedicated approach that has served me well in the past to help me achieve it. From preparing my mind by studying aviation principles and flight procedures through simulators and introductory lessons, to preparing my body through a dedicated workout program, and working a second job to pay for my vision correction surgery, I have moved constantly towards my ultimate goal. If given the opportunity enter training, and eventually to serve in the fleet, my established modus operandi would translate to great success as a leader of sailors. It would also serve me well in the academically and physically demanding training environment faced by all student Naval Aviators.

"Now well into a successful professional career, I crave further fulfillment that I know the United States Navy can give me the tools to achieve." - "now?" There's no need to bring us into the future with the word "now"...that's what the change of tenses do for you. If you are seeking a transition from your glory days as a baseball player, then try it this way "After college and securing a successful professional career..." - poof! back into reality "crave"...God, that makes me hungry. I digress, the rest of the sentence is re-doable.

The board really isn't interested in what they can do for you. They want to know what you can do for them and their manning issues. They have 300 (picking a number out of you know where) applicants and they want to know what you bring to the table. You think it's a good idea to stop at this point in your statement to tell them how the navy will benefit your life instead? Try: "After college and securing a successful professional career, my drive, dedication, and determination to join the U.S. Navy has remained unwavering."

Twobe made some suggestions on the rest of the paragraph but until I see his changes implemented, I won't comment additionally on it quite yet.

Well, damn, I can't let this slide..."...my established modus operandi would..." - Really? Modus Operandi? Congratulations, you just found yourself a new callsign, Modus. One of the first basic rules in a paper is to write an English paper in....get ready for it...ENGLISH! Woo!

I truly believe that I have found my purpose in life. Service in the United States Navy would not only make full use of all of my physical, intellectual, and leadership abilities, but it would provide the gratification that only service to one's country can provide. To serve at the tip of the spear in the ranks of so many other great Americans would bring great honor that I can truly be proud of for the rest of my days.

"I truly believe that I have found my purpose in life." - I like this but be specific again...you could be referring to your life as an engineer for all they know. "I truly believe that this is my purpose in life."

"Service in the United States Navy would not only make full use of all of my physical, intellectual, and leadership abilities, but it would provide the gratification that only service to one's country can provide. " - saying "full use" and "all" is redundant. Delete one.

"gratification" is not a favorable word in essay form. "Pride" is another way of saying it.

Ok, enough blood-letting. MEDIC!!!

Good base start though. I don't think you will have many revisions....Modus.

-Charlie

 

[twobecrazy]

***cracks her whip and sharpens her red pencil for the slaying***

I know this is no fun for the people posting...People (a.k.a. "me") ripping apart your statements word by word...But in the end, you will love us for it

HAHAHAHAHA.... Couldn't agree more!

"I decided to attend college first through the advice and inspiration of my parents. Even as I became successful in my professional career, the desire to serve my country only grew stronger. I do not regret choosing this course, as now I am only more certain that my true calling lies with leading the fine men and women of the United States Navy." - I already told you I didn't like this, and why it was worded poorly...not going to re-write my suggestions again, you can find it in your inbox.

I made the suggestion to change this as well in my PM.

Twobe made some suggestions on the rest of the paragraph but until I see his changes implemented, I won't comment additionally on it quite yet.

To be honest I don't even like this information about my changes (see below). I don't think it provides any information that truly separates him from anyone else. It is great that he has done this but so has a bunch of other people.

After maintaining two careers I was able to afford vision correction surgery. I have prepared myself physically through a dedicated workout regiment. Completing introductory flight lessons I have begun preparing myself mentally.

Ok, enough blood-letting. MEDIC!!!

Good base start though. I don't think you will have many revisions....Modus.

I can smell the blood!

 

[Robby]

I have taken some time and have rewritten my statement. Thanks Aukonak for providing your statement as an example, and Twobecrazy for your help. It is just over 600 words.

“In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences.”
– Robert Green Ingersoll

These words serve as my reminder to carefully consider my behaviors and their consequences before acting. I learned at an early age that no cause is without effect, and apart from a steadfast attention to the law of consequences, my drive to succeed in every aspect of life will be in vain. By being mindful of the impact of my choices, however, my life is positively impacted in three ways.
The impact is seen first in the strength of my commitment. I have always believed that a goal quickly abandoned was a goal never truly desired. It is my commitment to excellence, to faithful service, and to pressing forward in the face of challenges that have led me to seek a commission as an Officer in the United States Navy. It is a career that would allow me to not only serve my country, but to learn and impart invaluable leadership skills.
The tests of that commitment would be many. Officers bear unusual responsibility, as well as the constant awareness that one lapse in judgment could result in great loss. These stakes, however, are high for a reason. Commitment to a great cause is never without risk. Being a Naval Officer would enable me to work within an organization whose values I cherish, and to whom I can commit myself unreservedly.
Second, knowledge of the law of consequences correlates directly to my ability to endure trials without seeking an easier way out of them. In my life, this quality of endurance was forged most decidedly over the past several years. When I discovered during my freshman year of college that I would soon be a father, I was faced with the choice of either accepting and enduring the challenges to come, or seeking an escape from the realities of fatherhood. I am proud to say that I chose well, and that my son is healthy, strong, and in every way the validation of my choice to accept responsibility.
Just one year later, however, another trial emerged in the form of my mother’s suddenly diminishing health. Within one short season, in the midst of a twelve-credit hour summer in which I was just beginning to adapt to my new role as a father, my mother was gone. I know that had I chosen following her death to lose faith in God, trust in humanity, or belief in myself, the consequences for me and for my new family would have been dire. Instead, I chose to learn from the pain, to think decisively in times of dire stress, to focus on the task regardless of my environment, and to successfully adapt to changing conditions. My actions have remained consistent since then, for these were life-shaping lessons.
The third and most significant impact of being aware of the power of my choices is that I am able to turn apparent failure into victory. Without the legacy of wisdom these past few years willed to me, I would not be the man I am today. Because of that wisdom, however, I have learned that defeat is a state of mind I can not and will not entertain.
As a Naval Officer, I would remain committed to my responsibilities and ensure that my task is unfailingly completed. I would live to serve my country in the face of any trial, even to the point of death. And as a commissioned officer I would seek, always, the victory that lies just beyond defeat’s shadow. This is the power of a man who has learned from his choices. And this is the power that can make a leader extraordinary.

 

[m26]

Looks like some people reinvigorated this thread in my absentia People without my problem of sparing people's feelings, if I'm reading this correctly

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

Looks like some people reinvigorated this thread in my absentia People without my problem of sparing people's feelings, if I'm reading this correctly

I make no apologies about not sugar coating my comments. As you can tell in my posts, I am extremely thorough and there's little time to include additional "fluff" since it's extremely time consuming - to me and the writer. I get right to the point. I think people appreciate a straight-shooter. I also consider that those posting are adults well on their way to being officers in the military. As such, they should already come well equipped with thick skins. Most post directly to my inbox if they are on a first draft and don't want the onslaught of corrections broadcasted in forums. Additionally, my posts are not meant to be mean but mostly funny actually since I've built a reputation and tend to feed upon it to please the masses (a.k.a. Twobecrazy).

So to respond to your statement - nope, I do not share your issue. To each his own.

-Charlie

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

“In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences.”
– Robert Green Ingersoll

I like this quote..good one.

These words serve as my reminder to carefully consider my behaviors and their consequences before acting. I learned at an early age that no cause is without effect, and apart from a steadfast attention to the law of consequences, my drive to succeed in every aspect of life will be in vain. By being mindful of the impact of my choices, however, my life is positively impacted in three ways.

So far I like what I'm reading....

The impact is seen first in the strength of my commitment. I have always believed that a goal quickly abandoned was a goal never truly desired. It is my commitment to excellence, to faithful service, and to pressing forward in the face of challenges that have led me to seek a commission as an Officer in the United States Navy. It is a career that would allow me to not only serve my country, but to learn and impart invaluable leadership skills.

"I have always believed that a goal quickly abandoned was a goal never truly desired."
Delete "that".
Also, you speak (or write) to possessing leadership skills but so far, I haven't read about any of them.

The tests of that commitment would be many. Officers bear unusual responsibility, as well as the constant awareness that one lapse in judgment could result in great loss. These stakes, however, are high for a reason. Commitment to a great cause is never without risk. Being a Naval Officer would enable me to work within an organization whose values I cherish, and to whom I can commit myself unreservedly.

"Being a Naval Officer would enable me to work within an organization whose values I cherish, and to whom I can commit myself unreservedly."
Delete the comma.

Second, knowledge of the law of consequences correlates directly to my ability to endure trials without seeking an easier way out of them. In my life, this quality of endurance was forged most decidedly over the past several years. When I discovered during my freshman year of college that I would soon be a father, I was faced with the choice of either accepting and enduring the challenges to come, or seeking an escape from the realities of fatherhood. I am proud to say that I chose well, and that my son is healthy, strong, and in every way the validation of my choice to accept responsibility.

Ok, ok. Don't string me up here but....you just got finished telling us how well aware you are about the consequences of your actions and how one lapse in judgement could have consequences. Now you are telling us that you became a father early in life and another perk in your character is that you didn't seek an easier solution to this "problem" by asking your gf to have an abortion or by abandoning your child?!? I'm just telling you how I just read into it. I'm sure your son is a Godsend (and adorable if that's the cute kid in your photo) but this isn't looking well for you written this way. It's nearly like you now want to spin that into some brownie points for yourself. Do you see where I'm going with this? This is a bad idea....very. Let's see if we can utilize this in another way. But my *strong* suggestion is to delete this paragraph.

Just one year later, however, another trial emerged in the form of my mother’s suddenly diminishing health. Within one short season, in the midst of a twelve-credit hour summer in which I was just beginning to adapt to my new role as a father, my mother was gone. I know that had I chosen following her death to lose faith in God, trust in humanity, or belief in myself, the consequences for me and for my new family would have been dire. Instead, I chose to learn from the pain, to think decisively in times of dire stress, to focus on the task regardless of my environment, and to successfully adapt to changing conditions. My actions have remained consistent since then, for these were life-shaping lessons.

Ok, here we go - how about merging these two paragraphs.... Something like:
"Second, knowledge of the law of consequences correlates directly to my ability to endure and persevere through hardships. In my life, this quality of endurance was forged most decidedly over the past several years. Within one short season of learning of my mother's illness, in the midst of a twelve-credit hour summer, and while adapting to my new role as a father, my mother was gone. During those hard times, I know that had I chosen to lose faith in God, trust in humanity, or belief in myself, the consequences for me and for my new family would have been dire. Instead, I chose to learn from the pain, to think decisively in times of dire stress, to focus on the task regardless of my environment, and to successfully adapt to changing conditions. My actions have remained consistent since then, for these were life-shaping lessons."

The third and most significant impact of being aware of the power of my choices is that I am able to turn apparent failure into victory. Without the legacy of wisdom these past few years willed to me, I would not be the man I am today. Because of that wisdom, however, I have learned that defeat is a state of mind I can not and will not entertain.

"The third and most significant impact of being aware of the power of my choices is that I am able to turn apparent failure into victory."
I suggest: "The third principle impact of being aware of the power of my choices is my ability to learn and grow from my mistakes." - that is what the rest of the paragraph is describing.

"... a state of mind which I can not and will not entertain."

As a Naval Officer, I would remain committed to my responsibilities and ensure that my task is unfailingly completed. I would live to serve my country in the face of any trial, even to the point of death. And as a commissioned officer I would seek, always, the victory that lies just beyond defeat’s shadow. This is the power of a man who has learned from his choices. And this is the power that can make a leader extraordinary.

"I would live to serve my country in the face of any trial, even to the point of death."
Death is never really a good thing to talk about. You could say it without saying the actual word...try "including the ultimate sacrifice."

"And as a commissioned officer I would seek, always, the victory that lies just beyond defeat’s shadow. This is the power of a man who has learned from his choices. And this is the power that can make a leader extraordinary."
You start two sentences off with the word "And". Although this is common, it's not formally used that way...especially when it's easily avoided. Try something like:
"As a commissioned officer, I would always seek the victory that lies just beyond defeat's shadow. This is the power of a man who has learned from this choices and hardships. Ultimately, this is the power than can forge an extraordinary leader."

Ok, a couple of things. I always go back to the basics of a good motivational statement and the key criteria board members want answered.

1) Why do you want to join the Navy?
2) Why do you want to be an officer in the Navy?
3) Why did you chose [your designator] in the Navy?
4) What leadership skills have your proven in your life to warrant a commission as an officer?

So far, I dont read the answers to any of those in your statement. You told me a bit about what you have endured in your life which is good. And I can *sort of* see how you roughly answer number 2 by correlating your hardships to that of an officer. But I have no idea why you love the Navy (or if you love the Navy). I don't even know what job you want to do in the Navy.

Additionally, you speak to having leadership skills but gave no examples of them in your entire statement. If you are going in as a Direct Commissioned Officer (DCO) then this is a requirement, it's not just something they like to hear about. If you are writing for consideration for OCS, it's a bit different and not necessary since OCS is there to teach you how to become a leader if you lack life experience in that realm.

Lastly, do you happen to have any waivers in your package at all? Have you had any run-in's with the law, drug use, alcohol abuse, or financial irresponsibilities? I ask because your entire statement is about you not having lapses in judgement and understand the consequences of your actions - I would hate to find out that you needed a waiver for smoking pot 5 times. Would not look too good!

Hope this helps. You have very good writing skills - keep it up.

-Charlie

 

[Robby]

Also, you speak (or write) to possessing leadership skills but so far, I haven't read about any of them.

I struggled with this part of the statement because I lack substantial leadership experience.
It seemed best to instead discuss the qualities I possess, which would contribute to my ability to become a great leader. When speaking of the Navy, I said, “It is a career that would allow me to not only serve my country, but to learn and impart invaluable leadership skills.” Again, my goal here is not to prove my leadership skills; rather, it is to communicate my ability to become a leader. If I did a poor job of this, what changes would you recommend?

Ok, ok. Don't string me up here but....

Good point. I understand. I'll fix that.

Ok, here we go - how about merging these two paragraphs....

I like that idea. I’ll try to play around with it this weekend – I submit it on Monday.

I suggest: ...

Your suggestion for my third principle fits better than mine. I’ll revise.

Death is never really a good thing to talk about.

Again, good point. I think I'll just omit that sentence. Because I am only applying for Supply, making the ultimate sacrifice is not entirely appropriate.

You start two sentences off with the word “And”.

I didn’t even think about it. Thanks.

As for the key criteria, I had a difficult time eloquently stating more reasons while maintaining a strong and passionate consistency. Aside from my desire to lead and be challenged, I want to be in the Navy for reasons that do not sound strong in my statement. Although it could be more motivating to share my love of the ocean or for flying, it is not motivating to share my interest in being a SuppO. I chose Supply because my degree is business related and I think it is something that I will enjoy.

I graduate this May and hope to be in OCS this fall. My history is clean, other than one speeding ticket from a few years ago that has been taken care of. No drugs, alcohol, or financial debts.

Thanks for your help, I really appreciate it.

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

I struggled with this part of the statement because I lack substantial leadership experience.
It seemed best to instead discuss the qualities I possess, which would contribute to my ability to become a great leader. When speaking of the Navy, I said, 0;"It is a career that would allow me to not only serve my country, but to learn and impart invaluable leadership skills."; Again, my goal here is not to prove my leadership skills; rather, it is to communicate my ability to become a leader. If I did a poor job of this, what changes would you recommend?

Ok, now I know you are going for OCS. Leadership is not a requirement but the qualities and ability to lead is a requirement. I think your writing style, dedication, and life experiences shows that well. Actually, that sentence states that well.

As for the key criteria, I had a difficult time eloquently stating more reasons while maintaining a strong and passionate consistency. Aside from my desire to lead and be challenged, I want to be in the Navy for reasons that do not sound strong in my statement. Although it could be more motivating to share my love of the ocean or for flying, it is not motivating to share my interest in being a SuppO. I chose Supply because my degree is business related and I think it is something that I will enjoy.

Well, while it is understandable to side-step the motivation to becoming a Suppo, you don't mention the Navy in any other form other than relating it to being an officer in your statement. A simple statement somewhere (even in your closing remarks) about your long desire and drive to join the Navy or what originally turned you to military service is what they want. To be blunt (and you know I am), the times are hard for people right now. They have an influx of citizens that want to join because they lost their job or just for job security. While it's ok to join for whatever reason, they tend to seek applicants that are joining because they WANT to, not because they HAVE to. Somehow, just convey that in a sentence or two.

Another thing, look at the flow of your statement. You discuss the hardships and challenges. It might be a good idea to end on a high note. You just told me you earned a business related degree, you have a beautiful son, (I'm not sure what sort of job you procured after graduating), are you athletically competitive in any sport, did you get married, is your father alive (did you become closer to him)? I just thought that we spend a lot of time reading about your hardships and how you overcome them in your statement and I like that (tells me a lot about you). It tells me so much about you that I want to see you come out ahead towards the end of the statement. I'm making this up but something like (and I'm not being eloquent here)...."Through the hardships and challenges I have faced in my life, I have been fortunate enough to experience and learn what many people my age have not. While I do not wish the challenges I have faced along the way to be inflicted on anyone else, i think life experience is important. Amidst these challenges, I have graduated from .... university with a degree in ...., I have a beautiful son, etc etc [fill in the blanks]. I look forward to the opportunity to serve my country as an officer to utilize my life experiences to impart some of that knowledge and positively influence the enlisted sailors."...something like that...

So, in your statement, you go from struggle to struggle and we see you win in the end. Everyone likes to see the hero win in a story.

I graduate this May and hope to be in OCS this fall. My history is clean, other than one speeding ticket from a few years ago that has been taken care of. No drugs, alcohol, or financial debts.

whew, good!!!! Good job.

Thanks for your help, I really appreciate it.

As always, it's my pleasure. Thanks for posting so others can learn. I'll look at any revisions you post and get back to you quickly. I'm in a training pipeline right now and Monday looks scary but I will get to it when i get in Monday night.

-Charlie

 

[twobecrazy]

additionally, my posts are not meant to be mean but mostly funny actually since i've built a reputation and tend to feed upon it to please the masses (a.k.a. Twobecrazy).

-charlie

hahahaha...

 

[Robby]

you don't mention the Navy in any other form other than relating it to being an officer in your statement. A simple statement somewhere (even in your closing remarks) about your long desire and drive to join the Navy or what originally turned you to military service is what they want....

Another thing, look at the flow of your statement. You discuss the hardships and challenges. It might be a good idea to end on a high note...

So, in your statement, you go from struggle to struggle and we see you win in the end. Everyone likes to see the hero win in a story.

I've revised my statement to include my recent accomplishments. I chose to leave them out because they are apparent in other sections of my package, but perhaps this will be better?

Thanks for posting so others can learn.

No problemo. This website has helped me more than you know- it is only right to try to help fellow strugglers while further helping myself.

I'll look at any revisions you post and get back to you quickly. I'm in a training pipeline right now and Monday looks scary but I will get to it when i get in Monday night.

I'm submitting it tomorrow afternoon when I return from an interview with an Officer. If you are tied up, don't worry about it. You've done enough. Good luck in training.

So, Here 'tis:

“In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences.”
– Robert Green Ingersoll

These words serve as my reminder to carefully consider my behaviors and their consequences before acting. I learned at an early age that no cause is without effect, and apart from a steadfast attention to the law of consequences, my drive to succeed in every aspect of life will be in vain. By being mindful of the impact of my choices, however, my life is positively impacted in three ways.

The impact is seen first in the strength of my commitment. I have always believed a goal quickly abandoned was a goal never truly desired. It is my commitment to excellence, to faithful service, and to pressing forward in the face of challenges that have led me to seek a commission as an Officer in the United States Navy. It is a career that would allow me to not only serve my country, but to learn and impart invaluable leadership skills.

The tests of that commitment would be many. Officers bear unusual responsibility, as well as the constant awareness that one lapse in judgment could result in great loss. These stakes, however, are high for a reason. Commitment to a great cause is never without risk. Being a Naval Officer would enable me to work within an organization whose values I cherish and to whom I can commit myself unreservedly.

Second, knowledge of the law of consequences correlates directly to my ability to endure and persevere through hardships. In my life, this quality of endurance was forged most decidedly over the past few years. Within one short season of learning of my mother's illness, in the midst of a twelve-credit hour summer, and while adapting to my new role as a father, my mother was gone. During those hard times, I know that had I chosen to lose faith in God, trust in humanity, or belief in myself, the consequences for me and for my new family would have been dire. Instead, I chose to learn from the pain, to think decisively in times of dire stress, to focus on the task regardless of my environment, and to successfully adapt to changing conditions. My actions have remained consistent since then, for these were life-shaping lessons.

The third principle impact of being aware of the power of my choices is my ability to learn and grow from my mistakes. Without the legacy of wisdom these past few years willed to me, I would not be the man I am today. Because of that wisdom, however, I have learned that defeat is a state of mind which I can not and will not entertain.

These three truths have proved to be invaluable lessons in patience, commitment, and responsibility. Amidst the hardships and challenges I have been fortunate enough to experience and learn what many people my age have not. My life experience has provided me with a more sincere passion for excellence and a refined sense of judgment. The result is one of which I am proud. In just three short years, I have completed a Bachelor’s degree in International Business with a minor in Economics on a full academic scholarship. These accomplishments, however, must lead to something exceptional to truly be of merit.

I realize that a career in the Navy will provide me with incomparable opportunities to further myself in ways I never understood. It is for this reason that a career spent serving this great country is far more rewarding than any offer made on the civilian side. I look forward to the opportunity to serve my country as an officer to utilize my life experiences to impart some of that knowledge and positively influence the enlisted sailors.

As a Naval Officer, I would remain committed to my responsibilities and ensure that my task is unfailingly completed. I would always seek the victory that lies just beyond defeat’s shadow. This is the power of a man who has learned from his choices. This is the power that can make a leader extraordinary.

 

[Robby]

(I'm not sure what sort of job you procured after graduating), are you athletically competitive in any sport, did you get married, is your father alive (did you become closer to him)?

To answer these, I now have a regular job at a big store and am in school until May. I was athletically competitive throughout high school- I even went so far as to include the teams of which I was a member, the years played, and positions held on my application. I also listed my community service hours. I am married to my son's mother, and again, that is included in my application. As for the family situation, the loss of my mother did not result in a change in the relationship I have with my father. However, it did positively impact my relationship with my sisters and for that I am thankful. Still, I have always had a good relationship with my family and I do not feel that it is worth mentioning in this statement. I see where you're going with it and it would be a great addition, but it wouldn't be entirely true and I want to start this off along a straight path. Thanks again for the thought.