Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[xxxCharliexxx]

Ok, gave it another shot..I think I got it this time, but we'll see.

Let's take a look - good job on the fast re-submittal too!

'For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return' - Leonardo da Vinci.

Love that quote...

My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what was executed by the United States Navy during December of 2004 when Southeast Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinindadian and my father being Sri Lankan. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer. I remember hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia. The help that was offered to those countries, including my family’s country Sri Lanka, drove my passion to serve my country and to become an officer in the United States Navy.

Great beginning paragraph. Put a comma in the last sentence after the word "country".

Seeing SH-60 Seahawks deliver aid packages to victims of the tsunami on the news further drove my passions to not only become a Naval Officer, but a Naval Aviator as well. For the first time in my life I had seen the application of naval aviation and how it aided those less fortunate around the world; I wanted to be a part of that. My initial fascination for aviation came primarily from me being born and raised in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Since I was five years old, my father made it a ‘father/son tradition’ to take me to the air and sea show every year, for the next 13 years of my life. I immediately fell in love with fighter aircraft, primarily the F-14, and aviation in general. Every aspect intrigued me, from their afterburners to the vapor cone formed around the aircraft as it approached the speed of sound. Since that point in my life, I have always wanted to be a Naval Aviator.

Ok, I would start this paragraph by all of the sentences about your childhood and end with the delivery of the aid packages. Not only is it better to put it in chronologic order, but it also ends the paragraph with a punch about your current desire to be a naval aviator. Read it this way and see if you like it better...and spell out "13"

My initial fascination for aviation came primarily from me being born and raised in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Since I was five years old, my father made it a ‘father/son tradition’ to take me to the air and sea show every year, for the next thirteen years of my life. I immediately fell in love with fighter aircraft, primarily the F-14, and aviation in general. Every aspect intrigued me, from their afterburners to the vapor cone formed around the aircraft as it approached the speed of sound. As an adult, seeing the SH-60 Seahawks deliver aid packages to victims of the tsunami on the news further drove my passions to not only become a Naval Officer, but a Naval Aviator as well. For the first time in my life I had seen the application of naval aviation and how it aided those less fortunate around the world; I wanted to be a part of that."

After visiting Sri Lanka when I was in 8th grade, I realized how fortunate we are in the United States. I decided to give back to my community and in the process I have gained extensive experience in leadership. Volunteering for three years at Cleveland Clinic, three years at my temple and giving back to my community for over 450 hours I learned the importance of leadership and commitment. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after three years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead those under me as I had been taught by those before me. I also saw the benefits that one reaps through commitment and persistence, as well as the responsibility and leadership that must be demonstrated that comes with those benefits.

"...community for over 450 hours*,* I learned..." - you forgot the comma again

"Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after three years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead those under me as I had been taught by those before me.": Ok, this is tricky but only board members and superiors would pick up on this. You never refer to enlisted or lower ranked people as being placed "under me" (as you put it here). I know what you mean, the readers here know what you mean, and even the board will know what you "mean to say" but they will inherently assume that you have a connotation that those that are lower ranked than you will be "beneath you" in more terms than just rank. It just sounds belittling and it can be taken badly. It's ok to refer to people while stating the words "under me" as long as you state it with clarity - "those that worked under me", those I supervised", "those that worked under my guidance", etc. In this case, try: "Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after three years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead others as I had been taught by those before me." (that's actually really close to part of our sailor's creed - respecting those that have come before us). Anyway, no one would ever say anything to you about it, I'm sure. But I pick up on small nuances like that and pass on *hopeful* new insight if you are willing to take it. So, just keep that in mind during interviews as well. Try to be mindful of how you refer to those lower in rank - always be respectful (I know you are), call them what they are: "the members (or enlisted) that I lead",and lead by example when you are finally given the chance. Because before we swore in, even the lowest ranked enlisted still outranked us all.

"I also saw the benefits that one reaps through commitment and persistence, as well as the responsibility and leadership that must be demonstrated that comes with those benefits." - Another word which ranks up there with "got" and "strove" is the word "saw". Writing papers is a beautiful thing. We have a ton of resources and time to "dress up" the typical common words and this is one that gets a well needed replacement when in papers. Use the word "witnessed" instead. It will read much better in an essay. Also, this sentence, as stated, is too long. I nearly get lost on what you are trying to say. I had to read it a couple times to see if it was just "fluff". I think it could be useful but the current verbiage isn't working. You mention seeing benefits twice, but what benefits? And why do you want to concentrate on what the offer of leadership gives to you instead of how you can help influence others? Try "Through my commitment and persistence, I was given the valuable experience and responsibility to demonstrate my leadership skills by positively influencing those that worked under me." (or "under my guidance"...whatever you want to use. Since we took it out of the previous statement, where it wasn't really necessary, you can refer to it here)

But overall, a really good paragraph. I like it!

As an officer in the United States Navy I plan to use this experience in leadership and giving back to my community to guide me throughout my career. My childhood memories of visiting my family’s country Sri Lanka, made me realize how fortunate I am to be an American. My driving force in my military career will be to see the United States Navy aid the world as a Naval Officer. For these reasons, as well as my passion for aviation and the moral values that have been instilled in me, I seek a commission as a Naval Officer. I hope to lead a successful career in the United States Navy and serving my country.

"As an officer in the United States Navy I plan to use..." - put a comma after "Navy" (it's a preposition)

"...memories of visiting my family’s country Sri Lanka, made me realize how fortunate..." - put a comma after "country"

"My driving force in my military career will be to see the United States Navy aid the world as a Naval Officer." - there is something wrong with the structure of this sentence. The object/subject is screwed up. As it reads currently, you are saying you want the United States Navy to turn into a Naval Officer and aid the world....you are not the subject. If you know another language, this sometimes happens commonly. I am Native English speaker but also speak Pashto. Pashto has a very different sentence structure so occasionally I find myself speaking English in the same structure as if I translated the Pashto sentence structure into English speech (I catch myself and then lay off the language lessons!) Instead try: "As a Naval Officer, my driving force will be to see the United States Navy aid the world."

Lastly, I'm sure you gave this last sentence some thought. But it too could be said with more "umph". "I hope to lead a successful career in the United States Navy and serving my country." Might try "My sincere hope is to be given the opportunity to serve my country as an influential leader in the United States Navy." or "I sincerely hope to be given the opportunity to serve my country as an influential leader in the United States Navy." or "My sincere hope is to serve my country as an influential leader in the United States Navy." - I bounce back and forth between the three.

Great stuff - Good job on the revisions - it really looks good even if you didn't change anything (except the commas - seriously, put those in at the very least!!)

When is your board?

-Charlie

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

For the record, I love the last paragraph Twobe wrote

 

[TheBirdy]

I without a doubt owe you twobecrazy and Charlie. Thanks for really taking the time to read my motivational statement and offer feedback. I really do appreciate it.

@Charlie: I'm currently putting my package together for the April board. Just tying up some loose ends with my package (it has been sitting around for almost a year). Then again there may be no April boards with all this talk with it being on/off recently..

 

[TheBirdy]

2nd draft, and hopefully the final. I used some of the revisions verbatim. I hope you two don't mind. If it's a problem please let me know.


'For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return' - Leonardo da Vinci.

My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what was executed by the United States Navy during December of 2004 when Southeast Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinindadian and my father being Sri Lankan. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer. I remember hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia. The help that was offered to those countries, including my family’s country, Sri Lanka, drove my passion to serve my country and to become an officer in the United States Navy.

My initial fascination for aviation came primarily from me being born and raised in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Since I was five years old, my father made it a ‘father/son tradition’ to take me to the air and sea show every year. I immediately fell in love with aviation. Every aspect intrigued me, from afterburners, to the vapor cones and hovering helicopters; I was addicted. Since that point in my life, I have always wanted to be a Naval Aviator. Seeing SH-60 Seahawks deliver aid packages to victims of the tsunami on the news further drove my passions to not only become a Naval Officer, but a Naval Aviator as well. For the first time in my life I had seen the application of Naval Aviation and how it aided those less fortunate around the world; I wanted to be a part of that.

After visiting Sri Lanka when I was in 8th grade, I realized how fortunate we are in the United States. I decided to give back to my community and in the process I obtained invaluable leadership skills. Volunteering for three years at Cleveland Clinic, three years at my temple and giving back to my community for over 450 hours, I learned the importance of leadership and commitment. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after three years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead others as I had been taught by those before me. Through my commitment and persistence, I was given the valuable experience and responsibility to demonstrate my leadership skills by positively influencing those that worked under my supervision.

As a Naval Officer I plan to use this experience in leadership and community service. I will carry these values with me throughout my career and instill them in the men and women I hope to serve along side. My childhood memories of visiting my family’s country, Sri Lanka, made me embrace how fortunate it is to be an American. The driving force in my military career will be to see the United States Navy aid anyone requiring assistance. I look forward to a successful career in the United States Navy and serving my country as a Naval Officer.

 

[Acart]

I was told today that all the upcoming boards except for Civil Engineers have been "Canceled" just so you know RAVENMkXV.....

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

2nd draft, and hopefully the final. I used some of the revisions verbatim. I hope you two don't mind. If it's a problem please let me know.

I give the suggestions freely...you are more than welcome to use any of them.

I think it sounds great!

Last edits:
"The help that was offered to those countries, including my family’s country, Sri Lanka, drove my passion to serve my country and to become an officer in the United States Navy. " - Remove the words "that was"....they are unnecessary.
"My initial fascination for aviation came primarily from me being born and raised in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida." - delete the word "me".
"After visiting Sri Lanka when I was in 8th grade, I realized how fortunate we are in the United States." - delete the words "when I was" and add the word "the" to read "visiting Sri Lanka in the 8th grade..."
"Volunteering for three years at Cleveland Clinic, three years at my temple and giving back to my community for over 450 hours, I learned the importance of leadership and commitment." - put comma after "temple"
In the last paragraph - "along side" should be one word....alongside.

I think I'm going to post your before/after....

GREAT JOB!!!

-Charlie

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

I'm posting the before/after of RAVENMkXV's Motivational Statements after members of 'Airwarriors' helped him to update and edit it. I think it's helpful for those still writing to see how differently you can state the same thing and how new insight changes perspectives. I think he did a fantastic job on the updates and he stayed with it.

RAVENMkXV: Before/After Motivational Statements:

BEFORE:
"A Global Force for Good,” the United States Navy’s current motto. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinindadian and my father being Sri Lankan.

My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what was executed by the United States Navy during December of 2004 when the Indian Ocean and Southeast Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami. After hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia and the help that was offered to those countries, including Sri Lanka where I have family, I knew that I wanted to serve my country and become an officer in the United States Navy.
Many people forget the fact that the United States provides its citizens with infinite opportunity and benefits. There are many other countries such as Sri Lanka, where some of my family lives, that are poor and do not have these luxuries that we enjoy. After visiting Sri Lanka when I was in 8th grade and looking back, reflecting and seeing what the United States offers to me and my family, I want to give back to the United States what she has given me.

On a scaled down level, I have had extensive experience giving back to my community. Volunteering for 3 years at Cleveland Clinic, 3 years at my temple and giving back to my community for over 400 hours I learned the importance of leadership and commitment. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after 3 years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead those under me as I had been taught by those before me. I also saw the benefits that one reaps through commitment and persistence, as well as the responsibility and leadership that must be demonstrated that comes with those benefits.

I hope this experience will serve as a stepping stone, on a much more grand scale, towards my career path as a United States Naval Officer as I serve my country in the future. It is for these reasons I seek a commission as a naval officer in the United States Navy.

AFTER:
'For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return' - Leonardo da Vinci.

My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what was executed by the United States Navy during December of 2004 when Southeast Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinindadian and my father being Sri Lankan. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer. I remember hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia. The help offered to those countries, including my family’s country, Sri Lanka, drove my passion to serve my country and to become an officer in the United States Navy.

My initial fascination for aviation came primarily from being born and raised in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Since I was five years old, my father made it a ‘father/son tradition’ to take me to the air and sea show every year. I immediately fell in love with aviation. Every aspect intrigued me, from afterburners, to the vapor cones and hovering helicopters; I was addicted. Since that point in my life, I have always wanted to be a Naval Aviator. Seeing SH-60 Seahawks deliver aid packages to victims of the tsunami on the news further drove my passions to not only become a Naval Officer, but a Naval Aviator as well. For the first time in my life I had seen the application of Naval Aviation and how it aided those less fortunate around the world; I wanted to be a part of that.

After visiting Sri Lanka in 8th grade, I realized how fortunate we are in the United States. I decided to give back to my community and in the process I obtained invaluable leadership skills. Volunteering for three years at Cleveland Clinic, three years at my temple, and giving back to my community for over 450 hours, I learned the importance of leadership and commitment. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after three years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead others as I had been taught by those before me. Through my commitment and persistence, I was given the valuable experience and responsibility to demonstrate my leadership skills by positively influencing those that worked under my supervision.

As a Naval Officer I plan to use this experience in leadership and community service. I will carry these values with me throughout my career and instill them in the men and women I hope to serve alongside. My childhood memories of visiting my family’s country, Sri Lanka, made me embrace how fortunate it is to be an American. The driving force in my military career will be to see the United States Navy aid anyone requiring assistance. I look forward to a successful career in the United States Navy and serving my country as a Naval Officer.

 

[JMonte85]

" I look forward to a successful career in the United States Navy and serving my country as a Naval Officer."

Maybe instead of "my country" try "this glorious country"


You don't own the country, you just have the privilege of being a part of it Some people might take it the wrong way.. Plus this sounds better anyhow. I took this approach on mine, but used "great".. glorious does sound better though but oh well, enjoy..

 

[TheBirdy]

I give the suggestions freely...you are more than welcome to use any of them.

I think it sounds great!

Last edits:
"The help that was offered to those countries, including my family’s country, Sri Lanka, drove my passion to serve my country and to become an officer in the United States Navy. " - Remove the words "that was"....they are unnecessary.
"My initial fascination for aviation came primarily from me being born and raised in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida." - delete the word "me".
"After visiting Sri Lanka when I was in 8th grade, I realized how fortunate we are in the United States." - delete the words "when I was" and add the word "the" to read "visiting Sri Lanka in the 8th grade..."
"Volunteering for three years at Cleveland Clinic, three years at my temple and giving back to my community for over 450 hours, I learned the importance of leadership and commitment." - put comma after "temple"
In the last paragraph - "along side" should be one word....alongside.

I think I'm going to post your before/after....

GREAT JOB!!!

-Charlie

Thanks! Couldn't have done it without the help of AirWarriors. And the before/after post is an excellent idea. Hopefully people will see what a difference it makes when someone revises their motivational statement and what a great resource AirWarriors.com is

 

[twobecrazy]

2nd draft, and hopefully the final. I used some of the revisions verbatim. I hope you two don't mind. If it's a problem please let me know.

No problems here. I also agree with Charlie’s last comments. So just run with what she said and you should be fine. Good Luck with the rest of your application!

 

[twobecrazy]

I'm posting the before/after of RAVENMkXV's Motivational Statements after members of 'Airwarriors' helped him to update and edit it. I think it's helpful for those still writing to see how differently you can state the same thing and how new insight changes perspectives. I think he did a fantastic job on the updates and he stayed with it.

RAVENMkXV: Before/After Motivational Statements:

BEFORE:
"A Global Force for Good,” the United States Navy’s current motto. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinindadian and my father being Sri Lankan.

My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what was executed by the United States Navy during December of 2004 when the Indian Ocean and Southeast Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami. After hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia and the help that was offered to those countries, including Sri Lanka where I have family, I knew that I wanted to serve my country and become an officer in the United States Navy.
Many people forget the fact that the United States provides its citizens with infinite opportunity and benefits. There are many other countries such as Sri Lanka, where some of my family lives, that are poor and do not have these luxuries that we enjoy. After visiting Sri Lanka when I was in 8th grade and looking back, reflecting and seeing what the United States offers to me and my family, I want to give back to the United States what she has given me.

On a scaled down level, I have had extensive experience giving back to my community. Volunteering for 3 years at Cleveland Clinic, 3 years at my temple and giving back to my community for over 400 hours I learned the importance of leadership and commitment. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after 3 years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead those under me as I had been taught by those before me. I also saw the benefits that one reaps through commitment and persistence, as well as the responsibility and leadership that must be demonstrated that comes with those benefits.

I hope this experience will serve as a stepping stone, on a much more grand scale, towards my career path as a United States Naval Officer as I serve my country in the future. It is for these reasons I seek a commission as a naval officer in the United States Navy.

AFTER:
'For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return' - Leonardo da Vinci.

My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what was executed by the United States Navy during December of 2004 when Southeast Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinindadian and my father being Sri Lankan. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer. I remember hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia. The help offered to those countries, including my family’s country, Sri Lanka, drove my passion to serve my country and to become an officer in the United States Navy.

My initial fascination for aviation came primarily from being born and raised in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Since I was five years old, my father made it a ‘father/son tradition’ to take me to the air and sea show every year. I immediately fell in love with aviation. Every aspect intrigued me, from afterburners, to the vapor cones and hovering helicopters; I was addicted. Since that point in my life, I have always wanted to be a Naval Aviator. Seeing SH-60 Seahawks deliver aid packages to victims of the tsunami on the news further drove my passions to not only become a Naval Officer, but a Naval Aviator as well. For the first time in my life I had seen the application of Naval Aviation and how it aided those less fortunate around the world; I wanted to be a part of that.

After visiting Sri Lanka in 8th grade, I realized how fortunate we are in the United States. I decided to give back to my community and in the process I obtained invaluable leadership skills. Volunteering for three years at Cleveland Clinic, three years at my temple, and giving back to my community for over 450 hours, I learned the importance of leadership and commitment. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after three years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead others as I had been taught by those before me. Through my commitment and persistence, I was given the valuable experience and responsibility to demonstrate my leadership skills by positively influencing those that worked under my supervision.

As a Naval Officer I plan to use this experience in leadership and community service. I will carry these values with me throughout my career and instill them in the men and women I hope to serve alongside. My childhood memories of visiting my family’s country, Sri Lanka, made me embrace how fortunate it is to be an American. The driving force in my military career will be to see the United States Navy aid anyone requiring assistance. I look forward to a successful career in the United States Navy and serving my country as a Naval Officer.

Who's next!?

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

Who's next!?

HA HA! Yep! Bring it!

 

[twobecrazy]

" I look forward to a successful career in the United States Navy and serving my country as a Naval Officer."

Maybe instead of "my country" try "this glorious country"


You don't own the country, you just have the privilege of being a part of it Some people might take it the wrong way.. Plus this sounds better anyhow. I took this approach on mine, but used "great".. glorious does sound better though but oh well, enjoy..

To each their own but I disagree here. He is clearly talking about the difference between his families country, Sri Lanka, and his country, America. He is taking pride and ownership in his past, his culture, his country, and his future. I think as it stands it provides the most appeal. I'm not saying that you couldn't easily switch it in any statement to this "great country" or "glorious country" but for his tone and message to stay consistent I believe 'my country' works best.

You are correct that in most cases I would even recommend the switch myself but I like his with 'my country.'

 

[twobecrazy]

HA HA! Yep! Bring it!

Does Dragon Slayer need a new victim?!

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

Yes, *sniffle* it's so hard when they grow up and leave the nest. You try to raise them right....