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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
No I cannot, I need 5 more posts before I can.
Would you be able to PM me your email so I can send it?
Would you be able to PM me your email so I can send it?
Here's what I whipped up real quick. It's a roughdraft, but I think it turned out alright. I am unsure of how exactly to take the prompt, so if it's off base let me know. I also don't know about the proper capitilization of "officer". Anyone know? Thanks everyone!
"When I turned six years old I was given a set of miniature Navy planes, they were only a few inches long and made of frail plastic, but I still have fond memories of letting my imagination run wild into dreams of life in the Navy. It was from that point forward that I knew I wanted to be a Navy Officer, it not only felt like something that I wanted to do, it is something that I would be honored to do.
Now that I am quickly approaching graduation from college, those dreams have fueled a passion that I intend to pursue to my fullest. The ability to pay back this great nation for everything it has given to me is something I feel cannot be passed up. Receiving a commission in the US Navy is, in my opinion, the best way for me to do this.
A career in the Navy is my ultimate desire, whether it's on the bridge of a ship or in a cockpit 30,000 feet up, I crave the opportunity to prove myself amongst my peers. I know exactly what I am capable of, which consists of excellent leadership and guidance of others. Even at my job from High School, where it was three immature 17 year old kids closing up every night, I found myself delegating work out and in possession of the keys to lock up. It wasn't something that I was forced to do, but rather my natural tendencies to designate work in order to create a smooth work flow. It is these abilities, in whatever form they take shape in, that I feel could be a wonderful asset to the US Navy.
What really drives me in my pursuit of a commission is knowing that I could be among a select group of Americans who did more than just exist. They willingly volunteered to protect the freedoms that we are privileged to enjoy, something that doesn't come cheap, both financially and emotionally. But, the life experiences and patriotism you gain, and the respect you command are worth the drawbacks ten-fold. This is something that creeps into my mind every night, whether it is as I am falling asleep or reading a book, I cannot let the thoughts of becoming an Officer in the Navy escape me, and it is my hope that this passion will be evident to you."
"When I turned six years old I was given a set of miniature Navy planes, they were only a few inches long and made of frail plastic, but I still have fond memories of letting my imagination run wild into dreams of life in the Navy. It was from that point forward that I knew I wanted to be a Navy Officer, it not only felt like something that I wanted to do, it is something that I would be honored to do.
Now that I am quickly approaching graduation from college, those dreams have fueled a passion that I intend to pursue to my fullest. The ability to pay back this great nation for everything it has given to me is something I feel cannot be passed up. Receiving a commission in the US Navy is, in my opinion, the best way for me to do this.
A career in the Navy is my ultimate desire, whether it's on the bridge of a ship or in a cockpit 30,000 feet up, I crave the opportunity to prove myself amongst my peers. I know exactly what I am capable of, which consists of excellent leadership and guidance of others. Even at my job from High School, where it was three immature 17 year old kids closing up every night, I found myself delegating work out and in possession of the keys to lock up. It wasn't something that I was forced to do, but rather my natural tendencies to designate work in order to create a smooth work flow. It is these abilities, in whatever form they take shape in, that I feel could be a wonderful asset to the US Navy.
What really drives me in my pursuit of a commission is knowing that I could be among a select group of Americans who did more than just exist. They willingly volunteered to protect the freedoms that we are privileged to enjoy, something that doesn't come cheap, both financially and emotionally. But, the life experiences and patriotism you gain, and the respect you command are worth the drawbacks ten-fold. This is something that creeps into my mind every night, whether it is as I am falling asleep or reading a book, I cannot let the thoughts of becoming an Officer in the Navy escape me, and it is my hope that this passion will be evident to you."
Thank you.
Lucy
Member
logtwo- sorry summer term just keeping me busy. Quick things, at 6 you knew you wanted to be an officer? or that you wanted to fly planes, or be on "cool" ships. Not bad but doesn't really give anything to the paper. I like where you are heading with the last two paragraghs and might suggest working from those and expanding on what you can bring to the navy, and not just by using key words, but rather by giving examples.
teaaddict- I dont give out email, sorry.
teaaddict- I dont give out email, sorry.
Logtwo, the good news is that I like the structure. The bad news is that I don't like the writing at all. Almost every sentence seems to have an extra or missing word or punctuation mark. The tone is also a little weak. Some examples:
That first comma needs to be a colon, I believe... maybe a semicolon. I'm not sure off the top of my head.
"Navy planes" is somewhat awkward.
That last phrase takes too many words to make it's point.
Sentiment good, execution poor, IMHO.
You can't pass up an ability.
The grammar is wrong here. The comma's don't do the trick.
And it goes on. Do some revisions and post it again, we'll have another look.
That first comma needs to be a colon, I believe... maybe a semicolon. I'm not sure off the top of my head.
"Navy planes" is somewhat awkward.
That last phrase takes too many words to make it's point.
Sentiment good, execution poor, IMHO.
You can't pass up an ability.
The grammar is wrong here. The comma's don't do the trick.
And it goes on. Do some revisions and post it again, we'll have another look.
That's just silly. I keep up with these so much better when I'm in school. When I'm busy it's an excellent procrastination tool. Now it just takes me away from vacationy things (ya know, watching TV and all that).
Lucy
Member
LOL okok, you are right. It is mostly that I don't want to spend any extra time on non-vactioning things than I am already having to due to summer classes. Also, I hate trying to do an edit with my phone. Although I am more likely to do an edit during a study break versus switching the tv on, much easier to return to my real work.
:-D
:-D
m26 and Lucy,
Thank you both for the critique. It is much appreciated. I have worked on the language a little bit, and this is what I have come up with so far. Thanks!.
"When I turned six years old I was given a set of miniature Navy planes; they were only a few inches in length and made of frail plastic, yet I still have fond memories of them, letting my imagination run wild with dreams of Navy life. It was from that point forward that I knew I wanted to be a Navy Officer. It not only felt like something that I wanted to do; it is something that would be an honor.
Now that I am quickly approaching my college graduation, those dreams have fueled a passion that I intend to pursue to my fullest. The capability to pay back this great nation for everything it has given to me is something I feel cannot be ignored. Receiving a commission in the US Navy is, in my opinion, the best way for me to do this.
My foremost desire is a career in the Navy; whether that consists of keeping watch on the bridge of a ship or in a cockpit 30,000 feet up, I simply crave the opportunity to prove myself amongst my peers. I am certain that I am fully capable of demonstrating excellent leadership and guidance of others, one of the foremost responsibilities of a Navy Officer. For example, even working in high school, with just three 17 year old kids closing up every night, I found myself delegating work out and in possession of the keys to lock up. It wasn't something that I was forced to do, but rather my natural tendencies to ration out work in order to create a smooth work flow. It is these natural tendencies of direction and management that I feel could be a wonderful asset to the US Navy.
What really drives me in my pursuit of a commission is knowing that I could be among a select group of Americans who do more than just exist. They willingly volunteer to protect the freedoms that we are privileged to enjoy, something that doesn't come cheaply, both financially and emotionally. But the life experiences you gain, patriotism you exercise, and the respect you command are worth the challenges tenfold. This is something that is on my mind nightly, whether I am falling asleep or reading a book, I cannot let the thoughts of becoming an Officer in the Navy escape me, and it is my hope that this passion will be evident to you. "
Thank you both for the critique. It is much appreciated. I have worked on the language a little bit, and this is what I have come up with so far. Thanks!.
"When I turned six years old I was given a set of miniature Navy planes; they were only a few inches in length and made of frail plastic, yet I still have fond memories of them, letting my imagination run wild with dreams of Navy life. It was from that point forward that I knew I wanted to be a Navy Officer. It not only felt like something that I wanted to do; it is something that would be an honor.
Now that I am quickly approaching my college graduation, those dreams have fueled a passion that I intend to pursue to my fullest. The capability to pay back this great nation for everything it has given to me is something I feel cannot be ignored. Receiving a commission in the US Navy is, in my opinion, the best way for me to do this.
My foremost desire is a career in the Navy; whether that consists of keeping watch on the bridge of a ship or in a cockpit 30,000 feet up, I simply crave the opportunity to prove myself amongst my peers. I am certain that I am fully capable of demonstrating excellent leadership and guidance of others, one of the foremost responsibilities of a Navy Officer. For example, even working in high school, with just three 17 year old kids closing up every night, I found myself delegating work out and in possession of the keys to lock up. It wasn't something that I was forced to do, but rather my natural tendencies to ration out work in order to create a smooth work flow. It is these natural tendencies of direction and management that I feel could be a wonderful asset to the US Navy.
What really drives me in my pursuit of a commission is knowing that I could be among a select group of Americans who do more than just exist. They willingly volunteer to protect the freedoms that we are privileged to enjoy, something that doesn't come cheaply, both financially and emotionally. But the life experiences you gain, patriotism you exercise, and the respect you command are worth the challenges tenfold. This is something that is on my mind nightly, whether I am falling asleep or reading a book, I cannot let the thoughts of becoming an Officer in the Navy escape me, and it is my hope that this passion will be evident to you. "
GoVols1998
New Member
Anyone willing to check out my MS, please PM me. I had some run ins with the law when I was 18 (now 22), so I feel like what I say in my MS could make or break my application. Also, the format has changed, and the 400 word limit is no longer applicable, as of now. The new formatted application has a limit of about 1,200 words. Thanks.
Lucy
Member
Sheesh 1200 words?! Bah. That just leaves more room for people to ramble. Also means I will need to redo my statement if a non-select. Hmm, that plus reconsideration, they might as well let me just submit an essay.
People please remember, esp with 1200 words, that extra is not need. It is better to be concise and impactful than long winded. Also, if requesting a edit/lookover please have it in final draft form. That limit is too long for any rough edits.
Thanks and good luck all,
Lucy
People please remember, esp with 1200 words, that extra is not need. It is better to be concise and impactful than long winded. Also, if requesting a edit/lookover please have it in final draft form. That limit is too long for any rough edits.
Thanks and good luck all,
Lucy