-
Please take a moment and update your account profile. If you have an updated account profile with basic information on why you are on Air Warriors it will help other people respond to your posts. How do you update your profile you ask?
Go here:
Edit Account Details and Profile
Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
I am submitting my application to OCS very soon and was wondering if you guys would help me edit my motivational statement. I find writing about myself to be nearly the most difficult thing to do. Any help would be appreciated greatly. Thanks guys
Statement:
My motivation to become a Naval Officer extends from two experiences in life; my college and work. I began my freshman year in college with the intent of getting a science degree to go into medicine to serve communities. I soon found that I had a passion for business and logistics, ending the academic year with five majors. My average day began at 0400, ending at 2330; during which I worked a full and part time job, tutored, participated in my fraternity and sports and had an increasingly difficult academic load. This process proved difficult and exhausting at times, especially when work and scholastic issues presented themselves in unison. I quickly learned the value of prioritizing, time management and coping with strong levels of stress over extended periods of time. The commitment culminated in my successful graduation with excellent academic performance and strong work experience.
My work offered me the opportunity to work on three military defense projects; ground mid-course missile defense, X Band radar and Sea-scout II. These projects provided me the opportunity to work with military officers and see the commitment and dedication each one comes to the job with. Under these officers I learned the value of team work and was afforded leadership opportunities. I ran small crews that provided problem analysis of project issues and rectification steps. My role grew into leading crews providing logistics for components and kits to Ft. Greeley and Vanderburgh Air Force bases. My job offered similar positions working with defense projects for the Israeli, Canadian and United Kingdom governments. My time in these positions gave me the chance to learn honor and what it means to serve your country and protect her people and allies.
In short, the reason I want to be a Naval Officer is to be a better individual and leader than I can be on my own. While I can achieve a feeling of success in my personal pursuits, there is no feeling to match the success and camaraderie that a team feels when they succeed as a unit. The culmination of my experiences and education has taught me that the greatest pursuits are only achieved as a team. The United States Navy affords me the opportunity to develop team work in ways that nothing in the world can prepare you for.
Statement:
My motivation to become a Naval Officer extends from two experiences in life; my college and work. I began my freshman year in college with the intent of getting a science degree to go into medicine to serve communities. I soon found that I had a passion for business and logistics, ending the academic year with five majors. My average day began at 0400, ending at 2330; during which I worked a full and part time job, tutored, participated in my fraternity and sports and had an increasingly difficult academic load. This process proved difficult and exhausting at times, especially when work and scholastic issues presented themselves in unison. I quickly learned the value of prioritizing, time management and coping with strong levels of stress over extended periods of time. The commitment culminated in my successful graduation with excellent academic performance and strong work experience.
My work offered me the opportunity to work on three military defense projects; ground mid-course missile defense, X Band radar and Sea-scout II. These projects provided me the opportunity to work with military officers and see the commitment and dedication each one comes to the job with. Under these officers I learned the value of team work and was afforded leadership opportunities. I ran small crews that provided problem analysis of project issues and rectification steps. My role grew into leading crews providing logistics for components and kits to Ft. Greeley and Vanderburgh Air Force bases. My job offered similar positions working with defense projects for the Israeli, Canadian and United Kingdom governments. My time in these positions gave me the chance to learn honor and what it means to serve your country and protect her people and allies.
In short, the reason I want to be a Naval Officer is to be a better individual and leader than I can be on my own. While I can achieve a feeling of success in my personal pursuits, there is no feeling to match the success and camaraderie that a team feels when they succeed as a unit. The culmination of my experiences and education has taught me that the greatest pursuits are only achieved as a team. The United States Navy affords me the opportunity to develop team work in ways that nothing in the world can prepare you for.
I have no idea how the boards read or rate these statements, so who am I to give criticism. All I have here's 2 cents:
First and second paragraph: Impressive. Your experience is top notch. Good qualities stand out.
The cover letter of my resume is written in similar structure and format.
First and second paragraph: Impressive. Your experience is top notch. Good qualities stand out.
The cover letter of my resume is written in similar structure and format.
After a couple of hours of working on my motivational statement, I've come up with this rough draft. About 370 words, I would really appreciate some feedback, cheers.
[FONT="]I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy because I want to serve my country, I want to accept the challenge in the process of becoming a naval officer and the future of my career and I value leadership and discipline. [/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]Serving one’s country is the epitome of courage and dedication to the benefits and opportunity the country has given that individual. Many people who live in the United States do not know the sacrifices that have been made to give them the benefits they enjoy; I do. This country has given so much to me and my family and I would be honored to serve and protect my country. Anything worth having is worth working for. Becoming a naval officer is the beginning of the many challenges I will meet throughout my career. It is a challenge I am willing to accept and complete. Though the process is rigorous, it will test my dedication to pursue a commission as a naval officer and my willingness, persistence and passion will meet the test. As a naval officer there is an expectance that challenges will constantly arise and they will be met and I will meet these challenges. Every day you have to test yourself, if not, it’s a wasted day; I want my career to test me. Leadership and discipline are two fundamental characteristics that have been instilled in me since I was a child. Becoming a naval officer will exemplify these characteristics even further and allow me to continuously use them and refine them throughout my naval career. There is a certain homeostasis that must be met between leadership and discipline. One must have the leadership skills, tactics and responsibility of a naval officer in order to lead those under command. Simultaneously, one must also have the respect and discipline to be led, to follow orders from their superiors and to gain knowledge and insight from them. I believe I have these basic characteristics of leadership and discipline and in becoming a naval officer I will learn how to incorporate these characteristics, as well as others throughout my career. [/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]It is for these reasons I seek a commission in the United States Navy. [/FONT]
[FONT="]I am seeking a commission in the United States Navy because I want to serve my country, I want to accept the challenge in the process of becoming a naval officer and the future of my career and I value leadership and discipline. [/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]Serving one’s country is the epitome of courage and dedication to the benefits and opportunity the country has given that individual. Many people who live in the United States do not know the sacrifices that have been made to give them the benefits they enjoy; I do. This country has given so much to me and my family and I would be honored to serve and protect my country. Anything worth having is worth working for. Becoming a naval officer is the beginning of the many challenges I will meet throughout my career. It is a challenge I am willing to accept and complete. Though the process is rigorous, it will test my dedication to pursue a commission as a naval officer and my willingness, persistence and passion will meet the test. As a naval officer there is an expectance that challenges will constantly arise and they will be met and I will meet these challenges. Every day you have to test yourself, if not, it’s a wasted day; I want my career to test me. Leadership and discipline are two fundamental characteristics that have been instilled in me since I was a child. Becoming a naval officer will exemplify these characteristics even further and allow me to continuously use them and refine them throughout my naval career. There is a certain homeostasis that must be met between leadership and discipline. One must have the leadership skills, tactics and responsibility of a naval officer in order to lead those under command. Simultaneously, one must also have the respect and discipline to be led, to follow orders from their superiors and to gain knowledge and insight from them. I believe I have these basic characteristics of leadership and discipline and in becoming a naval officer I will learn how to incorporate these characteristics, as well as others throughout my career. [/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]It is for these reasons I seek a commission in the United States Navy. [/FONT]
Lucy
Member
gilliwan- Pretty good. First Paragraph is good, sentence ending about business and logistics=5 majors is a little off. Second part of the sentence doesn't mesh with the first.
Second paragraph you state "offered the oppertunity" and "provided the oppertunity" rather close together. I would rephrase that first couple sentences to not sound as repetitive.
I like the conclusion but the final sentence is a little abrupt and doesn't really flow with the previous sentence.
Good job,
Lucy
Second paragraph you state "offered the oppertunity" and "provided the oppertunity" rather close together. I would rephrase that first couple sentences to not sound as repetitive.
I like the conclusion but the final sentence is a little abrupt and doesn't really flow with the previous sentence.
Good job,
Lucy
Thanks for the feedback. I'll get to work on revising. I have looked over some other motivational statements and I've noticed people state various achievements and extracurricular activities in their statement. I avoided this because I feel like the rest of my application already states this info. Should I totally revise my statement and place personal achievements in there?
Sorry it took the longest time to make my revision. Anyways here it goes!
Being a young child in South Carolina, I learned what it meant to have discipline, pride, and integrity that are instilled in me to this day. My grandfather, a retired Navy Master Chief, taught me to pay attention to the smallest detail. When I worked around the house along with my cousin, whether it was shoveling dirt or carrying bricks, I took pride in my work and worked till the job was complete. When I was a freshman in high school, I used my leadership and teamwork skills in challenging exercises of problem solving for the “Destination ImagiNation” tournaments. These tournaments develop teamwork, collaboration, critical thinking, and leadership ability; it also nurtures research and inquiry skills involving creative exploration and attention to detail.
I wish to seek commission as a Naval officer because my primary aim is to give something back to the military for allowing me to live safely and freely. In return, I will do my part and defend the United States against all threats, both internal and external. Pursuant of this goal, I wish to be put in a position where I will excel in service to my country. My sense of responsibility, commitment, and honor has led me to this conclusion and this undertaking. I am a motivated and focused individual who does not mind being under pressure and is willing to accept responsibility for difficult jobs and for the performance of my peers.
In my job working as logistics personnel at The Rock Church of Virginia Beach, I was one of the individuals responsible for procurement of the general maintenance materials for the day by day upkeep of the building. One job required me to get ceiling tiles and the other necessary materials to maintain the integrity of the building inside after either a torrential rain, or a moderate rain.
I know that I have the leadership ability, commitment, and integrity to become an officer in the United States Navy. I am a bright, quick learner, and determined to learn new skills. The Navy will also strengthen my leadership skills and allow me to acquire the dream of being a commissioned officer. As an officer, I will continue to strive for excellence and make every determined effort to show the Navy core values. It would be an honor to join the ranks of other Naval Officers and to earn the label as a Naval Officer.
Being a young child in South Carolina, I learned what it meant to have discipline, pride, and integrity that are instilled in me to this day. My grandfather, a retired Navy Master Chief, taught me to pay attention to the smallest detail. When I worked around the house along with my cousin, whether it was shoveling dirt or carrying bricks, I took pride in my work and worked till the job was complete. When I was a freshman in high school, I used my leadership and teamwork skills in challenging exercises of problem solving for the “Destination ImagiNation” tournaments. These tournaments develop teamwork, collaboration, critical thinking, and leadership ability; it also nurtures research and inquiry skills involving creative exploration and attention to detail.
I wish to seek commission as a Naval officer because my primary aim is to give something back to the military for allowing me to live safely and freely. In return, I will do my part and defend the United States against all threats, both internal and external. Pursuant of this goal, I wish to be put in a position where I will excel in service to my country. My sense of responsibility, commitment, and honor has led me to this conclusion and this undertaking. I am a motivated and focused individual who does not mind being under pressure and is willing to accept responsibility for difficult jobs and for the performance of my peers.
In my job working as logistics personnel at The Rock Church of Virginia Beach, I was one of the individuals responsible for procurement of the general maintenance materials for the day by day upkeep of the building. One job required me to get ceiling tiles and the other necessary materials to maintain the integrity of the building inside after either a torrential rain, or a moderate rain.
I know that I have the leadership ability, commitment, and integrity to become an officer in the United States Navy. I am a bright, quick learner, and determined to learn new skills. The Navy will also strengthen my leadership skills and allow me to acquire the dream of being a commissioned officer. As an officer, I will continue to strive for excellence and make every determined effort to show the Navy core values. It would be an honor to join the ranks of other Naval Officers and to earn the label as a Naval Officer.
tpietsch
New Member
So this blog, updated last in July 2009, gave me pause about my motivational statement. Taken from: http://www.navy-officer.com/blog/
Quote :
"In the first paragraph, describe why you want to become a Naval Officer. Was there a catalyst event? The values we strive to enforce? BE ORIGINAL. Some boards see more than 100 applications a month, I guarantee at least half describe there Grandfather’s service."
*GULP* My lead in was to talk about my Grandfather's service! And I'm sure this is a common theme because our grandparents were WWII generation. I thought I had a strong opening but now I'm starting to question it. Anyone have any good examples of another "catalyst event?"
Also if anyone wants to swap Statements for a critique & feedback exchange, PM me.
Quote :
"In the first paragraph, describe why you want to become a Naval Officer. Was there a catalyst event? The values we strive to enforce? BE ORIGINAL. Some boards see more than 100 applications a month, I guarantee at least half describe there Grandfather’s service."
*GULP* My lead in was to talk about my Grandfather's service! And I'm sure this is a common theme because our grandparents were WWII generation. I thought I had a strong opening but now I'm starting to question it. Anyone have any good examples of another "catalyst event?"
Also if anyone wants to swap Statements for a critique & feedback exchange, PM me.
Ok, your grandfather served. When was the moment when you decided you wanted to do that too? And if he was enlisted, as an officer? It's fine if you can point to some specific event that led to your decision. If its just a thing about you that you think they'll like to hear... that's just fluff that they see all the time.
Would someone be willing to proof read my moto statement. I don't really want to post it on AW though.