Without getting way too nitpicky...
Yes, but why are we here if not to pick nits?
Ok,
Blue means I recommend a change for reasons of style,
Red are errors that must be changed.
My most
[sentence is more profound sans "influential"] profound memory of the Navy was
formed when I was nine years old. I remember my mother dressing my younger sister and I in matching dresses for my father?s pinning ceremony. I had always participated in my father?s
promotion ceremonies, however this pinning was different than all the others. That day my father became a Warrant Officer and all his achievements and integrity were respectfully noted by his leaders. I then realized my daddy was part of something special. My father is a straight-forward man who at 17 enlisted in the Navy and served his country
honorably for 30 years retiring as a Lieutenant Commander. For my father nothing was more important to him than his ?word?. To him, if you lacked integrity and honesty, then you lacked the ability to lead. These were the values that my father raised me with - the values that I believe to be the foundation of a naval officer.
I understand that becoming a naval officer is
not something easily attained and with this title comes responsibility to set an example for others. I pursued several extracurricular activities in high school and college. I played varsity soccer throughout high school and become captain my junior and senior year. I also played intercollegiate soccer, improving
teamwork and leadership skills. I have devoted my time
to serving in the military community by volunteering at naval hospitals. I have never been afraid to work hard and take on a leadership role, which
has helped me to mature and stay accountable for my actions.
While pursuing my bachelors degree, I concurrently maintained two jobs. I was recognized as a leader by my employers and was awarded the position of Facility Supervisor at my campus recreation center. At 21 years old I was responsible for the security of 10-15 employees and 2,000-4,000 recreation members.
My father inspired me to seek a commission as a naval officer. He
[_] embedded in me a deep sense of patriotism, respect and honor for my country. I only hope that I can follow in my father?s steps and one day he will be present in a pinning ceremony of my own. If given the opportunity to earn a commission I would not only be humbled but honored by the
opportunity to join the admirable individuals that serve our country today.