Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[Jynx]

AngHockey, Hope you don't mind me tacking on to your help

I learned from past employments (are you sure i should make this singular) Yes, more common parlance is for it to be "past employment," and then specify which employment you're talking about. that when placed in a position to teach or train others, I am able to express clearly the procedural aspects of the task the current job assignment entails This sounds repetitive to me. Why not "I am able to express clearly the procedural aspects which the current job requires".

I value independence (Independent Thought?), and my job experiences as well as my participation in sports during high school and college taught me the importance of teamwork and camaraderie. (I don't know if this sentence works as you'd like it too. I value independence sort of sounds like you're not a team player. Maybe "I value teamwork and comraderie, and the independent thought that arises in such supportive environs" Aspects such as these are unattainable if one places oneself above the needs of the group.(I agree with merging the two paragraphs since they both talk about teamwork) I hold the success of the mission and the future success of my teammates rather than selfish endeavors (maybe "rather then personal advancement") with the utmost importance. I find it important to take responsibility and accountability for one?s actions in order to achieve maturity, I'm not sure maturity is ever achieved. How about "I find it important... in order to achieve success. Moreover, I learned from teamwork that an effective leader must listen to group member suggestions and use this information to efficiently complete the assignment.(I found it hard to delete this portion, so i re-worded it and placed it at the end)

Furthermore, I acknowledge the significance of leaving A positive impression on others, as for them to achieve better than I What about "That their accomplishments might build upon my own". (I agree with you about deleting this portion, it was just something i added on, you can definitely tell)



Once again thanks a lot for your help anghockey and Jynx, too, I hope.

 

[BigL17]

I value independence (From this I can see how a person would assume that I might not be a team player if they did not take into account the other portions of paper. I feel that the sentences such as “I hold the success of the mission and the future success of my teammates rather than personal advancement with the utmost importance” or “It is my belief that the training the Navy provides will hone my leadership skills, thereby allowing me to achieve excellence, but more importantly allowing me the opportunity to motivate others to do the same” should alleviate the apprehensions of the reader)

I find it important to take responsibility and accountability for one’s actions in order to achieve a level of maturity (I believe this is more accurate), and eventually success, where the accomplishments of others might build upon my own. (Decided to tack your suggestion unto this sentence, but I might just take it out the italicized portion all together)

Thanks Jynx for answering my employment/s inquiry and all your suggestions.

 

[Pistol719]

Just caught wind of this post and wanted to copy/paste mine for any input.




For the past 6 years it has been my goal by any means to complete my degree and continue my naval career as a commissioned officer. Joining the Navy at 17 I hit the ground running learning everything I could about my profession and stepping up to challenges that were always above my pay grade. This is reflected in my evaluations and certifications. I separated in 2006 with one sole purpose. To go to college full time and finish my degree as fast as possible to return to the Navy as a Mustang.
Unfortunately, life has a way of throwing us all curve balls. Despite some personal and professional barriers in my way the last few years, I have managed to get back on track with my goal.
As in any career the employer always wants to know what an individual brings to the table. Returning to the Navy as an officer I bring first and foremost my years of experience active duty as an enlisted sailor. It can not be disputed that the enlisted sailor is the backbone of the Navy. With that said I believe the positions I held as a petty officer will serve me well for any trial I will face as an Ensign. Be it running a division, flight school, or Intel briefings. Next, I bring both my technical and administrative knowledge back to the fleet. As an Electronics technician and Intelligence reservist both in the military and private sectors I have a vast knowledge of equipment used Navywide. Speaking administratively, I am a major in political science. This, with my already adept knowledge of the social workings of the Navy will be a very valuable asset to the sailors that serve under me whom I also work for. In turn I believe this will make me a more effective leader for the benefit of them and overall mission.
Finally, a strong leader also recognizes their weaknesses. I believe currently my biggest weakness is the lack of a college education. I am working hard to amend this weakness by graduating on a timely basis. My current cumulative GPA is a 2.79. As stated earlier in remarks this is due to a hardship. Once again I solemnly attest to this board that I WILL have my GPA above a 3.2 by the end of this year and I WILL graduate on time with nothing less then that.

 

[SammieSam]

Hi, I'm new to this site. I'm trying to work on my motivational statement and I'm wondering if people still check out this thread

 

[Jynx]

Hi, I'm new to this site. I'm trying to work on my motivational statement and I'm wondering if people still check out this thread

Some of us like to when we can. Most of the people that help out are themselves applying, and so are usually in school themselves. Unfortunately for you, that means alot of us are scrambling with deadlines right about now, so responses might be delayed. However, if you're willing to wait till the weekend, I can try to help you then?

 

[Jynx]

Nice one Pistol. I would recommend coming in with a stronger opening statement, and then see what you think of my suggestions. I like that your'e able to use alot of the slang that they might recognize. It gives you a more experienced tone than one such as my self with no first hand experience.

Just caught wind of this post and wanted to copy/paste mine for any input.

The proudest (Or some other adjective) day of my life to date was choosing to enlist in the Navy at the young age of 17. I hit the ground running learning everything I could about my profession and stepping up to challenges that others may have chosen to avoid. This is reflected in my evaluations and certifications. I separated in 2006 with one sole purpose. To go to college full time and finish my degree as fast as possible so that I could return to the Navy as a Mustang (I know the term, but is it always used respectufully? Try to stay formal if you're not sure). For the past 6 years it has been my goal by any means (I would scratch this) to complete my bachelors degree and continue my naval career as a commissioned officer.
Unfortunately, life has a way of throwing us all curve balls. Despite some personal and professional barriers in my way the last few years, I have managed to get back on track with my goal. Good of you to acknoweldge this, but think on it, see what I put in at the bottom

In any career the employer always wants to know what an applicant brings to the table. Returning to the Navy as an officer I would bring first and foremost my years of active duty experience as an enlisted sailor. I believe the positions I held as a petty officer will serve me well for any trial I might face as an Ensign, be it running a division, flight school, or Intel briefings. Next, I bring both my technical and administrative knowledge back to the fleet. As an Electronics technician and Intelligence reservist in both the military and private sectors, I have a deep understanding of equipment used Navywide (Is this phrase used in the literature much? If so keep it. If not, maybe something more formal).

Speaking administratively, I am a major in political science (I'm not sure how this relates, I would either expand upon how this helps or nix it).
My technical experience, coupled with my firsthand knowledge of the social workings of the Navy, will be a very valuable asset to the sailors that serve under me.
whom I also work for (Good sentiments, but I would work to rephrase this sentence. It is IMO run-on, and I would say break it into two. Most easily, you could delete the whom I also work for part.

I believe this will make me a more effective leader, benefitting my sailors and the overall mission.

Finally, a strong leader also recognizes their weaknesses. I believe currently my biggest deficit is my lack of a college education. I am working hard to amend this weakness by graduating within X years. I acknowledge that my current cumulative GPA is a 2.79, but hope that this will be mitigated with the understanding of extenuating hardships. I have enclosed a full explaination of those hardships in my application. I solemnly attest to this board that I will prove my resilience by raising my GPA above 3.2 by the end of this year and I will graduate on time with nothing less then that.

 

[Pistol719]

Thanks for the advice and suggestions Jynx, I will take a few of them into consideration and improve on my statement. I appreciate it!

 

[SammieSam]

Some of us like to when we can. Most of the people that help out are themselves applying, and so are usually in school themselves. Unfortunately for you, that means alot of us are scrambling with deadlines right about now, so responses might be delayed. However, if you're willing to wait till the weekend, I can try to help you then?

Thanks Jynx.

I was told to write about my personal experiences. I didn't know what else to write about. This is from the heart and I tried not to make it sound like a thesaurus wrote it for me. Please tear it apart if you could. Thank you:

After finishing High School, I decided to join the Marine Corps Reserves so I could serve my country while going to college at the same time. My MOS in the Marine Corps was Aviation Ground Support Equipment Mechanic. It took approximately seven months to get through the school for my MOS, but at my reserve unit, there was no use for my specific MOS. Up until the time my unit had been activated to deploy to Iraq, it was difficult for me to stay motivated about being in the military when all I did on drill weekends was sweep the hangar deck and paint helicopter transmission stands. I felt like I had no purpose in the military. On my first deployment, I did not have a great deal of knowledge about my MOS because of my lack of experience. Since I started my military career as a low ranking person, I learned that in order to be a good leader, you have to be a good follower. I learned as much as I could from my supervisors and did exactly what they told me to do while I was deployed. The second time my unit deployed, I was an assistant supervisor for Marines in my shop and taught my subordinates what I learned from my first deployment. I felt I had a purpose in the military when I was able to lead individuals so they can do their job well. My enlistment was near the end when I came back from my second deployment and I still felt like I have not accomplished much. Even though I served 6 years in the Marine Corps, I do not believe I completely fulfilled my duty to serve my country since I never had an official leadership position. A motivating factor is to prove that I can become a great leader and continue my career in the military as an Officer in the Navy. I wish to join the Navy because my father was able to retire as a Chief and my brother is currently a Lieutenant Junior Grade. They are very proud of what they accomplished. After my father joined the Navy, he was able to become a proud United States citizen and give his family every opportunity this great country has to offer. Now, I believe it is my duty to serve and show my American pride around the World.

 

[Jynx]

Sure thing Sam. Can you shoot me a private message come saturday just to make sure I get 'round to it? I've scanned it briefly, and see some room for improvement. I'll be happy to help

 

[BTP1368]

Hi all,

I was a non-select for SWO and Supply in April. I have been looking at others motivational statements, and now believe that the one I submitted with my packet may have been on the weak side. I was wondering if anyone would be willing to help me with my MS. There are two big questions I have about my MS. First, should I try to explain my 2.95 GPA? And second, should I explain how I have improved my packet since I found out I was a non-select? I have a few other questions, but those are the ones that are on the forefront of my mind. Thank you.

BTP1368

 

[Jynx]

BTP,

I'm not really in a position to tell you specific ups or downs, nor do I think anybody is. However, if I were you and had a good explanation for my GPA (Mom passed, working time and a half to foot the bill, etc etc) I'd put it in.

As for explaining the re-apply, if you think it adds value, go for it. I imagine your recruiter has some ideas about that as well..

 

[SammieSam]

Hi all,

I was a non-select for SWO and Supply in April. I have been looking at others motivational statements, and now believe that the one I submitted with my packet may have been on the weak side. I was wondering if anyone would be willing to help me with my MS. There are two big questions I have about my MS. First, should I try to explain my 2.95 GPA? And second, should I explain how I have improved my packet since I found out I was a non-select? I have a few other questions, but those are the ones that are on the forefront of my mind. Thank you.

BTP1368

Hey BTP,

Did they say why you weren't selected? I'm just curious because I was going to apply for Supply and I have the exact same GPA.

 

[BTP1368]

Sam,

No, they did not give me a reason why I was a non-select. What was your major, and how did you do on the ASTB?

 

[Jynx]

Double Post, My bad.

 

[Jynx]

Have a look, see what you think. I hope it helps

After finishing High School, I decided to join the Marine Corps Reserves so I could serve my country while going to college at the same time. (To start, we need a punchier opening statement. Something about how by joining Big Navy you can continue a personal push for excellence that began in the Marine Corps Reserves. Joining will provide you the impetus to refine (traits one, two, maybe even three) that first took hold during your time in MCR, and now you want to continue)

If you're going to keep the following paragraph, it needs a ton of work.
My MOS in the Marine Corps was Aviation Ground Support Equipment Mechanic. It took approximately seven months to get through the school for my MOS, but at my reserve unit, there was no need for my specific MOS. I was forced to adapt and make myself useful in anyway possible, which included routine maintenance and unglamorous but necessary upkeep. During my first deployment, I was forced to learn from experienced very quickly, which in the long-term, has proven to be a valued skill.
Because I began my military career as an enlisted man, I learned that in order to be a good leader, you have to be a good follower (listener, something still implies that you take initiative). I learned as much as I could from my supervisors and those around me. and did exactly what they told me to do while I was deployed. (My evaluations reflect that. (They do don't they?)

The second time my unit deployed, I was an assistant supervisor for Marines in my shop and taught my subordinates what I learned from my first deployment. (In the manner that I had learned to be effective from my first deployment)
I felt I had a purpose in the military when I was able to lead individuals so they could do their job well. I had nearly finished my enlistment when I returned from my second deployment and I still felt like I have not accomplished enough. Even though I served 6 years in the Marine Corps, I do not believe I will have completely fulfilled my duty to serve my country until I have held a leadership position reflecting my potential. I want to prove that I can become a great leader and continue my career in the military as an Officer in the Navy. By commissioning, I will be able to contribute to a family tradition of excellence, in which my father was able to retire as a Chief and my brother is currently serving as a Lieutenant Junior Grade.

They are very proud of what they accomplished. Now, I believe it is my duty to serve and show my American pride around the World.