Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[RocktheBloc]

Just my take but drop the drama about going into battle. It’s all about leading people. Good ole ‘regular day’ shit happens all of the time. You’ll have to sometimes ‘just get shit done’ which involves nothing about a war, but just leading sailors to get the daily maintenance routines completed.

Thanks. Yeah, I regretted it almost immedietely when I wrote "battle." It sounded very cheesy. :icon_tong

 

[brownshoe]

Thanks. Yeah, I regretted it almost immedietely when I wrote "battle." It sounded very cheesy. :icon_tong

You take care young man. Call me if you need me.

There's lots of great talent here at AW.


Steve

 

[BigL17]

Motivational Statement

Hello everyone, I am posting my motivational statement to receive some constructive criticism. Any time spent looking over my statement and leaving input would be greatly appreciated. Currently the MS is 399 words.
Thank you all for your help.

.......................................................................................................


Those who served before me are held in the highest regard and I relish the opportunity to proudly serve amongst fellow servicemen and women. Countless others sacrificed freedoms, and ultimately their lives, to defend liberty and democracy worldwide. Such selfless sacrifice allowed my family and I to overcome adversity and prosper in the “Land of the Free.” For such sacrifice, I am obliged and obligated to give back and make the same sacrifices.
While performing reading assessments for the Florida Center for Reading Research (FCRR) and recording residential waste volume for Brown & Caldwell (B&C), I was exposed to the significance of conducting research exactly as delineated to maintain validity. Consequently, FCRR and B&W taught me the importance of precision and tact. Stressful environments can hinder ones ability to perform tasks precisely. When facing demanding situations ranging from loud classrooms with FCRR, determined opponents in sports, or angered residents while working as a surveyor for B&C; I remained disciplined, courteous, and diligent. Participating in sports taught me the importance of team cohesion and camaraderie; unachievable if one places themselves above the needs of the group.
When asked to teach/train fellow researchers, I clearly expressed the procedural aspects of each assessment to improve the researchers understanding and ability to complete necessary tasks. From previous employments and other aspects of life, I learned the value of listening to others. From listening to others a leader may better understand the situation to facilitate the motivation, and elicit the cooperation of others. Also, working with children for FCRR taught me the significance of leaving positive impression on others, in order to build trust.
I am solely responsible and accountable for my mediocre college grade point average; however, I have grown and use this instance to motivate myself and others to overcome such circumstances and change what was once a weakness into a strength. Furthermore, I continue to better myself through mental and physical preparation to excel as a leader in the Navy’s combat team.
I am dedicated to achieving my goal in becoming a commissioned Naval Officer. The training that the Navy provides will polish and refine my leadership skills which will allow me to achieve excellence, but most importantly, allow me the opportunity to motivate others to do the same. I hope to proudly serve in the United States Navy and embody the core values of honor, courage, and commitment.

Thank You.

 

[m26]

I am only looking at how this presents itself. I don't presume to know what the boards want to see.

Those who served before me are held in the highest regard and I relish the opportunity to proudly serve amongst fellow servicemen and women.

Sounds awkward, IMHO. Plus, you don't serve amongst those who served before you.

Countless others have sacrificed freedoms, and ultimately their lives, to defend liberty and democracy worldwide. Such selfless sacrifice allowed my family and I to overcome adversity and prosper in the “Land of the Free.” For such sacrifice, I am obliged and obligated to give back and make the same sacrifices.

Obliged and obligated is redundant. I know what you mean, but use a thesaurus.

I don't think "Countless others..." flows well from the previous sentence, just aesthetically. Also, "others" seems to suggest that those who served before you didn't sacrifice.

Also. Patton. Your job isn't to die for your country, it's to make the other poor bastard die for his. So you don't exactly want to make the same sacrifices. I'm partial to "serve my country as well." Or "with the same dedication/devotion to duty" if you really want to pile it on.

While performing reading assessments for the Florida Center for Reading Research (FCRR) and recording residential waste volume for Brown & Caldwell (B&C), I was exposed to the significance of conducting research exactly as delineated to maintain validity. Consequently, FCRR and B&W taught me the importance of precision and tact. Stressful environments can hinder ones ability to perform tasks precisely. When facing demanding situations ranging from loud classrooms with FCRR, determined opponents in sports, or angered residents while working as a surveyor for B&C; I remained disciplined, courteous, and diligent. Participating in sports taught me the importance of team cohesion and camaraderie; unachievable if one places themselves above the needs of the group.

"Delineated" doesn't sound like the perfect verb for the job.

There is just too much unnecessary info in this paragraph. You're all over the place. I can't really offer a suggestion because I can't tell what you actually did, vs what you researched other people doing.

Use less words, and transition better. Jumping right into "participating in sports" was somewhat jarring. Give me more info about what you want here, and I can help you more.

When asked to train fellow researchers, I clearly expressed the procedural aspects of each assessment to improve the researchers understanding and ability to complete necessary tasks. From previous employment and other aspects of life, I learned the value of listening to others. By listening to others a leader may better understand the situation to facilitate the motivation, and elicit the cooperation of others. Also, working with children for FCRR taught me the significance of leaving positive impression on others, in order to build trust.

Keep your paragraphs focused. The last sentence just seems tacked on.

Although I alone am responsible and accountable [<pick one] for my ... college grade point average, ..., I have grown and used this situation to motivate myself and ... and change what was once a weakness into a strength. Furthermore, I continue to better myself as a person through mental and physical preparation to excel as a leader in the Navy’s combat team.

I don't think you can motivate others to rectify your problem if you are solely responsible. Explain that comment or remove it.

"As a person" is lazy writing on my part, but you need something to link the second half to the first.

"As a leader..." of something else. I don't like "Navy combat team." Someone will have a good idea for you. I like "of American sailors" as a starting point.

Note: Don't insert ellipses. I just used that where I deleted something, on the off chance that wasn't clear.

I am dedicated to achieving my goal of becoming a commissioned Naval Officer. The training that the Navy provides will polish and refine my leadership skills which will allow me to achieve excellence, but most importantly, allow me the opportunity to motivate others to do the same. I hope to proudly serve in the United States Navy and embody the core values of honor, courage, and commitment.

I think you have "hope" modifying the core values, and you don't want to hope to embody honor, courage and commitment. You WILL do that. On the same note, I think you "want/desire/seek" to become a Naval Officer. Hope suggests (to me) either a lack of commitment, or a lack of confidence. At the same time, I don't think you want to be presumptuous, and say "I will proudly serve."

Overall, I think it needs to be tauter and smoother. It's easily reparable, grammatically, syntactically, and stylistically speaking. From there it's just a matter of making the best argument you can, and I won't speculate as to what the board wants to hear.

 

[BigL17]

Thanks M26 for your input. I understand that I need to work on transitional sentences to make everything flow better. The grammatical errors can be easily changed. Since I recently did this MS I am going to take a break and reboot the brain and come back to it.

Thanks again.

 

[jasonzwei]

statement help

I've gone through this sentence-by-sentence, and everything seems to line up, but it's always good to get a second set of eyes to look at this. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm at 389 words.

Ever since I was little, Navy tradition and history have been a part of my life. My father was an Electrician’s Mate aboard the USS Cogswell in Vietnam. My grandfather served as a Lieutenant Commander and flew PBM’s in the Pacific in World War II. My great grandfather was a Second Class Seaman aboard a battleship in World War I. I have always been enamored with the thought of serving my country like my family has before me. This is my biggest motivation to become a United States Naval Officer.

My next source of motivation stems from my experiences as a member of Southwind Drum and Bugle Corps. I feel that this was the most influential leadership experience of my life. As a second-year baritone player, I learned that leadership isn’t just handed over with a title, it’s earned. I set examples for first-year members by being the best I could at everything I did all the time. Whether it was keeping perfect posture and horn carriage on the rehearsal field, managing time wisely before a performance, or giving everything during a performance and leaving everything on the field, I strived to be a role model for the new members. Overcoming little sleep in cramped conditions and rehearsals in 100-degree temperatures to still perform at my best showed me that I am capable of accomplishing any task to which I dedicate myself. I desire to put these skills I have acquired towards the service of my country in the Navy.

My love of travel blossomed during my time as a member of Southwind Drum and Bugle Corps. I have toured most of the continental United States, and I would like to see what lies beyond our borders. The Navy can give me an opportunity to expand on life experiences through the observation of other cultures around the world.

The Navy core values of Honor, Courage and Commitment have been instilled in me throughout my life. My father raised me to be honest and to treat others with dignity and respect. Being a Resident Assistant in college taught me to have the courage to do my job regardless of the consequences. Southwind taught me the meaning of commitment and to never quit. I look forward to the opportunity to live up to these values as a United States Naval Officer.

 

[m26]

Ever since I was little, Navy tradition and history have been a part of my life. My father was an Electrician’s Mate aboard the USS Cogswell in Vietnam. My grandfather served as a Lieutenant Commander and flew PBM’s in the Pacific in World War II. My great grandfather was a Second Class Seaman aboard a battleship in World War I. I have always been enamored with the thought of serving my country like my family has before me. This is my greatest motivation to become a United States Naval Officer.

"Biggest" is a little informal.

Try on "I have always been enamored with the thought of serving my country like my family before me, and this is my greatest motivation to become a United States Naval Officer."

or "I have always been enamored with the thought of serving my country like my family has before me; this is my greatest motivation to become a United States Naval Officer."

I think its more a matter of taste, but look at those, and if you like the original better it is still fine.

My next source of motivation stems from my experiences as a member of Southwind Drum and Bugle Corps. I feel that this was the most influential leadership experience of my life. As a second-year baritone player, I learned that leadership is not just handed over with a title, it is earned. I set examples for first-year members by being the best I could at everything I did all the time. Whether it was keeping perfect posture and horn carriage on the rehearsal field, managing time wisely before a performance, or giving everything during a performance and leaving everything on the field, I strived to be a role model for the new members. Overcoming little sleep in cramped conditions and rehearsals in 100-degree temperatures to still perform at my best showed me that I am capable of accomplishing any task to which I dedicate myself. I desire to put these skills (that?) I have acquired towards the service of my country in the Navy.

No contractions.

"Giving everything during a performance and leaving everything on the field" is redundant.

I personally don't like the use of "desire" as a verb in that context. For flow, I'd be partial to "my desire is," which is technically inferior style, but that's just me. I would consider another verb, such as "seek."

I also don't love "My next source..." It sounds like you're prattling off a list. Which you are, but you want to be subtle about it.

My love of travel blossomed during my time as a member of Southwind Drum and Bugle Corps. I have toured most of the continental United States, and I would like to see what lies beyond our borders. The Navy can give me an opportunity to expand my life experiences through the observation of other cultures around the world.

Ok, this is me being a total perfectionist, and most people wouldn't even notice these things.

It is obvious that when you say that you toured the US, you mean that you did it with the D&B Corps, but it is awkward (technically) without a link. For example, "During my time as a member of Southwind Drum and Bugle Corps, my love of travel blossomed. I toured most of the continental United States, and consequently I would like to see what lies beyond our borders." This is better, but perhaps more practically awkward. Depends on how anal you are.

On a similar note, you jump right into your love of travel blossoming without leading into it at all.

The Navy core values of Honor, Courage and Commitment have been instilled in me throughout my life. My father raised me to be honest and to treat others with dignity and respect. Working as? a Resident Assistant in college taught me to have the courage to do my job regardless of the consequences. Southwind taught me the meaning of commitment and to never quit. I look forward to the opportunity to live up to these values as a United States Naval Officer.

Commitment and not quitting is, again, somewhat redundant.

Overall, I think it is quite good. It shows your commitment and abilities, without bragging, while also clearly demonstrating your desire to serve.

 

[Leviticus]

First paragraph:
I'm not certain that they care about your family's past in the military; but, maybe condense it a bit.

Servitude, as evidenced by my father and his father before him, in WWII and
Vietnam, is the sole reason why I seek to be an Officer. I want to serve. I want to
lead and I want to fight...(What other ways are you going to serve and why should
you be selected over others who are also going to bring servitude to the Navy?)

(2nd paragraph) I would not start with..."My next source...," it's weak.
I should be chosen because of my leadership capabilities...*insert experience and
lesson learned* (Again, why should the Navy select you? How do you stand out
more than others? I'm 24 and have been running a 500k+ work-order generated
business for the past 2 years. I'm the youngest person in our company in my
position. At any time, I have 8 employees and whether they work or not is based
upon work that I have to generate. My company is the largest landscape company
in the US. We are almost a billion dollar a year organization. I lead daily. What do
you have to offer? I don't say that to brag, but work experience is what I used
because of the leadership experiences I've had, which bare remarkable similarity
to yours. My conclusion: In order for me to lead, I found that I must first serve.
I also teach at Church...things like that. Brag a little. Make you look good. They
want to know why they need to pick you, how picking you will benefit them and
why you're a better choice than those you're up against.

(still 2nd p.)
"I could at everything I did, all the time." I think the comma will add more
emphasis to the "all the time."

(Third paragraph) Nix it. They don't care that you like to travel. It's a perk, yes.
They're more interested in what you have to offer and why it benefits them to
choose you. What consequences are involved in being an RA? *As an RA, I learned
integrity is non-negotiable. *Insert a quick for-instance.** As a result, I have
learned to be persistent/unwavering/steadfast. *I look forward to serving God,
family and country, with Honor, Courage and Commitment.*


The guys you and I are going to compete with, either in selection, OCS, API, etc., these are all top notch. Why and how do you stand out? Why and how will the Navy benefit from selecting you? All I want, all that will benefit me, is that I will be able to serve God, family and country, as an officer.


Good luck! And at P2, I wasn't attacking you when I was bringing me into the equation...haha just giving my .02$.

 

[er1cj]

Motivational Statement Help!!!

Hey guys I’m having some trouble with my motivational statement. I know it’s bad, but any comments would be greatly appreciated.

In today’s times, Americans from all over are faced with hardships due to the economy and the war. Fathers and mothers are taking it day by day, wondering how they are going to keep a roof under their families head. The last thing that all families in America should be worrying about is the war. It would be an honor to serve in the Navy, so that I can offer my fellow American some peace of mind in at least one aspect of their lives.
I have been raised to be a man of character and to show respect towards others. I am a hard working person and very self-driven. I believe to be a strongly motivated individual and I have always enjoyed a good challenge. Throughout my college career I have maintained a 3.7 GPA and I have always been very dedicated towards my education. Likewise, I would like to be given the chance to show that same dedication toward the Navy. I have always enjoyed teaching and learning from other people. During my sophomore year I work as a math tutor and work with students from different cultures. Working well with others and especially from different cultures is an important trait that I would be able to give as a Naval Officer. I believe that I posses the traits necessary to be a Naval Officer and if given the chance, I will be able to grow and expand these traits.
Working for corporate America is something that has never been to appealing to me. I have always wanted to be part of something that I could be proud and that at the end of every day I can happily go to bed knowing that I am doing some good by protecting my family and my country. Being commissioned by Navy would be a tremendous opportunity that will not only provide me with new challenges, but also enhance my leadership, management, and motivational skills that no other jobs would offer.
Thanks,

EJ

 

[anghockey]

Er1cj--You have MANY grammar and spelling errors in this, so I'd check for those first. My comments are strictly structural, rather than grammatical.

In today’s times, Americans from all over are faced with hardships due to the economy and the war. Fathers and mothers are taking it day by day, wondering how they are going to keep a roof under their families head. The last thing that all families in America should be worrying about is the war. It would be an honor to serve in the Navy, so that I can offer my fellow American some peace of mind in at least one aspect of their lives.

Start with a bold statement that introduces YOU, and not a cliche. This first section is clearly important to your motivations to become a Naval officer, but it's been said many times before. Sum it up in one sentence, and move on to the next section. You'll then have more space to talk about what distinguishes you.

Your first sentence should be something like: "I wish to become an officer in the Navy so that I may help keep America safe and secure, especially in these trying times of economic turmoil and war."

I think in your section when you talk about school, you're trying to communicate that you have a passion for learning, and are both diligent and motivated. Say this. The way it's currently written is very choppy and difficult to follow. The points that you make in this part of the statement are good, but poorly structured. I could definitely help you out more, so PM me. I like editing!

 

[anghockey]

A note to everyone here!

So I really like editing other people's work (if only I liked editing my own, my 50-page thesis would've been done already.) Anyway, I think I'm a pretty decent writer, and have been working in the admissions department of a pretty elite university for the last four years, so I certainly know a lot about how to structure a personal statement!

To toot my own horn a bit, my recruiter said my motivational statement was one of the best he'd seen and that he could see me getting selected off of that alone.

I wanted to throw out there that most of the statements posted here could basically just go for a strong opening statement, and some grammar checks.

Let me know if there's anything I can help with!

 

[Thomas]

Hi all. I am a submariner trying to make officer and this is my first draft of my personal statement. I understand the grammar may not be up to par but I hope to fix that. I seriously hope you guys tear this apart and yell at it thats why I am putting it here. You guys are awesome help for this. Thank you guys for even being around.

Personal Statement​

Prior to the Navy, I was part of the Boy Scouts of America reaching the rank of first class. I led a troop for almost a year before turning 18, conducting community service projects with my troop. I learned a lot from this experience on how to effectively lead a group of individuals. I was also very active in my church participating in church sponsored events whenever I could. Since I was young I have enjoyed computer programming and have learned many computer programming languages. I am very articulate when it comes to fixing electronics.


In the Navy I have worked my hardest excelling in all of my studies to become top 3 in all my classes. Upon reaching my boat I rapidly qualified for enlisted submarine warfare, and have qualified all watch stations ahead of schedule, helping my boat achieve the Navy battle “E” award for 2008. It is my goal to one day be the captain of my own submarine as a commissioned submarine officer, and I have strived to reach this goal from the moment I joined the Navy.


Before I joined the Navy I was a slacker who saw school as something to just “get by” in. My high school grades suffered until my senior year when I was taught by a teacher who was retired Navy who opened my eyes to what I could be doing in the world. Unfortunately I could not help my low GPA. I had found my motivation to learn and lead, and after getting my diploma, joined the Navy.


I am very patriotic, and hope to give back to the Navy who has instilled in me such great qualities and taught me so much. When I am selected for commission aim to use all that I have learned, as well as what I am to learn, to lead sailors in the worlds finest Navy.

 

[PhoJoe]

The all important statement

Hey Everyone,

I have been searching online for a few weeks now for help with my personal statement as found this link. I am in the process of putting together my FY-10 STA-21, and I am seeking some feedback on my personal statement. I appreciate any help that I can get. I have copied it below......

As a Mass Communication Specialist Second Class, I have six years of journalism, broadcasting, photography and public affairs experience, including advanced photojournalism training. I have made multiple deployments aboard USS Blue Ridge and USS Ronald Reagan, and have served for more than a year as a Regional production supervisor and budget analyst for Commander Navy Region Europe, Africa, Southwest Asia. I feel that my knowledge as an at-sea supervisor, experience working at a highly-demanding flag command, and ability to effectively communicate and understand communications makes me an ideal candidate for the Navy’s STA-21 Special Duty Officer (Intelligence) Option.

First and Foremost, I am extremely grateful for the opportunities the Navy has given me to mature as a person and grow intellectually. After graduating high school in 2001, I attended college at the University of Louisville at the age of 17 and perused a degree in Mathematics. I was an unprepared and immature boy in a fast-paced educational environment, and I performed very poorly. Point blank, I was not prepared to be in college.

I tried to make up for my college woes by joining the Navy in 2003, but this too was not love at first sight. Like most other young Sailors, I had my growing pains, going to Captain’s Mast in Dec. 2004 aboard USS Blue Ridge. Under the guidance of an exceptional LCPO, I transitioned from a soup-sandwich to into the ship’s Site T.V. technical supervisor as an E-3, responsible for training a division of 17. It is through this process I developed two qualities I believe every good Sailor processes, pride in my everyday work and pride in my career.

During the next three years aboard USS Ronald Reagan, I developed my leadership abilities while serving as a video production supervisor and the ship’s newspaper editor as an E-4. These responsibilities, coupled with my willingness to learn from the talented enlisted and officer communication experts around me, helped me progress into a communication professional and a sea-tested leader.

I then challenged myself to succeed further while serving as the only enlisted public affairs component on my current staff. Since joining the command, I have received a Commander’s Letter of Appreciation, earned the command’s Sailor of the Quarter, and was nominated for the Sailor of the Year. I have also intensely perused a degree in communications through the University of Maryland University College. More importantly, I have spent my spear helping instill the Navy’s Core Values of Honor, Courage and Commitment into today’s youth as a volunteer basketball and baseball coach at the Naples Youth Center.

I love serving my country as a member of the Navy. I respect and admire my peers, senior enlisted, and commissioned leaders. Though I would be honored to become a CPO, I will better serve Navy as a prior-enlisted officer by setting policies that will help mold and guide the 21st century Sailor as the Navy continues to evolve. If commissioned as an officer, I will continue to grow personally and professional, seeking both enlisted and commissioned mentors. I will harbor a work environment built on the foundation of diligence, pride and comradery, always putting my Sailors first. Most importantly, I will lead from the front and set the example for all Sailors. I am proud to be Sailor and would be honored to serve as a United States Naval Officer!

 

[er1cj]

Help with Motivational statement!

Well here is my second attempt at my motivational statement. Like I said before I’m pretty bad with grammar and my spelling, but hopefully this one is a little more structurally correct or at least it makes some sense. Any positive or negative criticism would be appreciated
I wish to become an officer in the Navy so that I may help keep America safe and secure, especially in these trying times of economic turmoil and war. I am aware that much will be ask of me as a Naval Officer. I believe that I have the necessary skill to be an effective Naval Officer and to fulfill my duty of protecting my Country.
I am a hard working and very self-driven individual. all important qualities a good Naval Officer should have. During my employment with Braums, I was nominated by my coworkers to work the busiest shift and was permanently given that shift throughout my employment due to my strong work ethic. Not only should a Naval Officers be strongly motivated by his work, but he must also be an intellectual individual who can work well with others.
I am a strongly motivated individual and I have always enjoyed a good challenge. Throughout my college career I have worked 30 hours a week while maintaining a fulltime student status with a 3.7 GPA. Due to my dedication towards my education, I have been on the Presidents and Deans Honor roll. Likewise, I would like to be given the chance to show that same dedication toward the Navy. I have always enjoyed teaching and learning from other people. During my sophomore year I work as a math tutor and work with students from different cultures. Working as a tutor was a wonderful experience that taught me how to work with students from diverse cultures, but not only that, it also enhanced my overall cultural understanding. I am also capable of adapting to new environments. I attended and graduating from a two year college with an Associate’s Degree of Science with an overall 3.8 GPA. Soon after I transferred to Oklahoma State University and was able to adapted to the more stressful and demanding environment, while maintaining a 3.7GPA.
I seek to be commissioned as a Naval Officer, because the Navy would be a tremendous opportunity that would offer new and exciting challenges. It would be an honor to work with alongside other experience Officers, because it would allow me to learn from and enhance my leadership, management, and motivational skills. Overall, the Navy will help shape and prepare me to be an outstanding individual that will be able lead, teach, fallow, and accomplish any task at hand.
Thank you,
Er1cj

 

[swerdna]

Personal Statement​

Prior to the Navy, I was part of the Boy Scouts of America reaching the rank of first class[context, ie: what is first class? Also, restructure this sentence it is wordy]. I led a troop for almost a year before turning 18, conducting community service projects with my troop[can you give examples?]. From this experience, I learned invaluable leadership skills. I was also very active in my church participating in church sponsored events whenever I could[such as?]. Since I was young I have enjoyed computer programming and have learned many computer programming languages. I am very articulate when it comes to fixing electronics.[these last sentences feel out of place. What does computer programming have to do with being an officer?]


In the Navy[,] I have worked my hardest excelling in all of my studies to become top 3 in all my classes[use your grade percentages if you have them, numbers look good]. Upon reaching my boat I rapidly qualified for enlisted submarine warfare, and have qualified all watch stations ahead of schedule, helping my boat achieve the Navy battle “E” award for 2008. It is my goal to one day be the captain of my own submarine as a commissioned submarine officer[redundant, you can't be a CO without being commissioned], and I have strived to reach this goal from the moment I joined the Navy.[how? by emulating the officers on your sub? by maintaining a rigorous moral and personal ethic?]


Before I joined the Navy I was a slacker who saw school as something to just “get by” in.[it would be better to explain that you didn't have focus, not that you were a "slacker". Also, don't finish sentences with prepositions] My high school grades suffered until my senior year when I was mentored by a teacher (who was retired Navy). He/she provided me with guidance, opened my eyes [opened my eyes is a cliche]to what I could be doing in the world. Unfortunately I could not help my low GPA. I had found my motivation to learn and lead, and after getting my diploma, joined the Navy. [are you explaining your low grades here? By the way, what program are you applying for? STA-21?]


I am very patriotic, and hope to give back to the Navy who has instilled in me such great qualities and taught me so much[run-on sentence. Also, can't you give back to the Navy as an enlisted?]. When I am selected for commission[may be a little cocky] aim to use all that I have learned, as well as what I am to learn, to lead sailors in the worlds finest Navy.

Work at it a bit more, you have some grammatical errors and faux pas. What program are you applying for? Like a resume, you should tailor your statement to the program. Include more of your Navy experience, evals maybe? Have you earned awards? Work on it and repost, I'll help you again.