Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[Smacked_in_ATL]

Okay guys, I have not let anyone else see this yet. Any constructive criticism is appreciated! Thank you for your time.

I am seeking a commission in the United State Navy because I have a strong desire to serve and lead our nation's young men and women. I believe that as an officer I can exemplify the values of the United States and those of the Navy. The core values of the Navy are those that I have always based my life decisions, and hope to further instill those values in to my service and leadership. I believe my leadership abilities will benefit the Navy and contribute to my effectiveness as an officer and flight officer.

My leadership experience began in high school when I was the captain of the varsity swim team. I successfully motivated my team to place 2nd in the state in 1999, the highest placing in school history. In addition to serving as captain, I was also the sports editor for my high school yearbook staff. This publication was the winner of two national awards. These roles opened the door to leadership and helped me to realize that I enjoy and cherish leading and mentoring others. My high school experiences built a foundation of teamwork and helping to motivate others to complete tasks bestowed upon them.

During my enlisted career in the United States Army, I attained the grade of E-5, Sergeant. As an E-4, I was nominated by the company commander and First Sergeant at both of my duty stations to serve as the human resources supervisor, which is normally reserved for non-commissioned officers. As the human resources supervisor, I was responsible for five personnel and had the duty of mentoring and counseling them on a monthly basis. I was directly responsible for their personal, military, and physical development. Additionally, I managed the promotions, finance, strength management, and evaluations for approximately 200 personnel in my unit. My service in the Army gave me insight on how military leaders should conduct themselves.

In brief, becoming a naval officer is my ultimate goal. I am confident in my abilities to represent the United States and the Navy wherever my duty may take me. As an experienced military veteran, I am ready to immediately reenter service as a naval flight officer and devote my entire self to accomplishing any mission put before me.

 

[a-6intruder]

Okay guys, I have not let anyone else see this yet. Any constructive criticism is appreciated! Thank you for your time.

Your Motivational Statement - very well written! A recommendation or two:

- Start off with "I seek" rather than "I am seeking."
- About the third sentence, I think your word should be "into" rather than "in to."
- Biggest thing, if you have the room, would be to possibly shed some light on why you are considering a commission in the Navy rather than the Army? Could be as simple as a relative or friend who inspired you, or the desire to fly jet aircraft, or the fact that you're tired of Army getting their a$$ kicked by Navy on the football field...

A nice write up. Good luck!

 

[Smacked_in_ATL]

Your Motivational Statement - very well written! A recommendation or two:

- Start off with "I seek" rather than "I am seeking."
- About the third sentence, I think your word should be "into" rather than "in to."
- Biggest thing, if you have the room, would be to possibly shed some light on why you are considering a commission in the Navy rather than the Army? Could be as simple as a relative or friend who inspired you, or the desire to fly jet aircraft, or the fact that you're tired of Army getting their a$$ kicked by Navy on the football field...

A nice write up. Good luck!

Thank you! Here is a revision with a couple additions. Most importantly, my Iraq service.

I seek a commission in the United States Navy because I have a strong desire to serve and lead our nation’s young men and women. I believe that as an officer, I can exemplify the values of the United States and those of the Navy. The core values of the Navy are those that I have always based my life decisions, and hope to have the opportunity to further instill honor, courage, and commitment into my service. My leadership abilities will benefit the Navy and contribute to my effectiveness as an officer and flight officer.

My leadership experience began in high school when I was the captain of the varsity swim team. I successfully motivated my team to place 2nd in the state in 1999, the highest placing in school history. In addition to serving as captain, I was also the sports editor for my high school yearbook staff. This publication was the winner of two national awards. These roles opened the door to leadership and helped me to realize that I enjoy and cherish leading and mentoring others. My high school endeavors inspired a strong belief in the power of teamwork and the benefits of motivating others to achieve a common goal by completing the task bestowed upon them.

During my enlisted career in the United States Army, I attained the grade of E-5, Sergeant. As an E-4, I was nominated by the company commander and First Sergeant at both of my duty stations to serve as the human resources supervisor, which is normally reserved for non-commissioned officers. While deployed in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom III in 2005, I was responsible for five personnel and had the duty of mentoring and counseling them on a monthly basis. I was directly responsible for their personal, military, and physical development. Additionally, I managed the promotions, finance, strength management, and evaluations for approximately 200 personnel in my unit. My service in the Army provided valuable insight on how military leaders should conduct themselves.

In brief, becoming a naval officer is my ultimate goal. I am confident in my abilities to represent the United States and the Navy wherever my duty may take me. As an experienced military veteran, I am ready to immediately reenter service as a naval flight officer and devote my entire self to accomplishing any mission put before me.

 

[a-6intruder]

Thank you! Here is a revision with a couple additions. Most importantly, my Iraq service.

Re: Your updated statement:

Where you talk about OIF III and you mention mentoring and counseling monthly, perhaps you should say something like "...providing daily mentorship and monthly formal counseling..." to make the point that you had daily interaction, not just a monthly check in the block. One on one leadership is more important than distant oversight at this level.

 

[Smacked_in_ATL]

Re: Your updated statement:

Where you talk about OIF III and you mention mentoring and counseling monthly, perhaps you should say something like "...providing daily mentorship and monthly formal counseling..." to make the point that you had daily interaction, not just a monthly check in the block. One on one leadership is more important than distant oversight at this level.

Good point. I will make that revision, I appreciate your time!

 

[xmid]

Looks good! Throw your app in and see how it turns out! Good idea to put the bit about OIF...

 

[cgoetz]

Hey guys here is my motivatinal statement. It may not be up to specs but I 've been beeting my head all dayover this. Tell me what you guys think. Also I know it needs a closing but I figured it can wait till later.

Why am I seeking commision as an officer in the United States Navy? Well that is a long story. Since the age of six I have always had an emphatuation with naval aviation. I remember seeing this guy on TV put on his gear and helmet and then rush on to a deck that was bustling with activity, and strap into the most beautiful machine I have ever seen in my life, a fighter jet. The jet launched off the end of the carrier and disappeared into the sky like a roman candle. When the jet landed on the pitching deck of the carrier it just slammed right into it. It appeared to have crashed but it caught a wire that stopped it in a split second from continuing down the deck and spilling into the ocean. I didn’t know how it happened, or what made it work all I knew was I want to do that, I wanted to be a naval aviator.

I want to become an officer because I want to be a leader and I know that a leader has to inspire the men and women that he or she is in charge of in order to get the mission accomplished, and although a leader may have fear or reservation about the challenges that the mission presents they must do whatever it takes to accomplish it. I was always comfortable with encouraging and motivating people to perform tasks that they were either afraid of or thought were impossible to accomplish. By encouraging people to face a challenge it has helped me to face what I myself have considered impossible or feared. In addition I have perserverence which I feel is an important trait needed to be an effective leader and an all around good officer. All my life I have found that nothing has ever come easy too me, and in order to accomplish your goals I knew I couldn’t give up no matter how hopeless the situation may be. I feel this perserverence will help me both in my training and my career to be a good officer.​

I want to join because I want to carry on the many traditions that are part of the navy’s history as well as the courage and spirit of those who have served before me. The attack of Semptember 11th has greatly influenced my descision to join the Navy. I remember after learning of the attacks I was in disblief, I couldn’t believe that such a thing could happen to our homeland. At that moment I wanted to fight against the tyranny and agression that now threatens the safety of the U.S.​

By joining the Navy I hope to expierience the bond that devolops between servicemen which I am told is unique because there is no other bond that a person will develop in their lifetime.

 

[cgoetz]

Sorry guys I didn't realize it was going to paste on the page like that. I hope it is not annoying to read.

 

[zab1001]

Why am I seeking commision as an officer in the United States Navy?

Formalize your writing style. This is not a conversation with your buddies. "I am seeking a commission as an officer in the USN because..."

Well that is a long story.

Again, this is not a a bullshit session with the fellas. "Well...."- No. Think formal writing. You are applying for a chance at a career as a professional.

Since the age of six I have always had an emphatuation with naval aviation.

I would throw away this letter as soon as I read this. SPELLCHECK.

You might want to look up the term "infatuation." Reading it in this context brings up some...odd...connotations.

I remember seeing this guy on TV put on his gear and helmet and then rush on to a deck that was bustling with activity, and strap into the most beautiful machine I have ever seen in my life, a fighter jet.

"This guy..." - do you by chance mean an aviator?

"The most beautiful machine..." Sounds gay.

The jet launched off the end of the carrier and disappeared into the sky like a roman candle.

Don't Roman Candles explode at the end of their climb?

When the jet landed on the pitching deck of the carrier it just slammed right into it.

It appeared to have crashed but it caught a wire that stopped it in a split second from continuing down the deck and spilling into the ocean.

I didn’t know how it happened, or what made it work all I knew was I want to do that, I wanted to be a naval aviator.

The board is aware of the basics of a carrier landing. You re-hashing it (poorly) takes up space you could be using to explain why you want to be a naval officer.

I want to become an officer because I want to be a leader and I know that a leader has to inspire the men and women that he or she is in charge of in order to get the mission accomplished, and although a leader may have fear or reservation about the challenges that the mission presents they must do whatever it takes to accomplish it.

Run on sentence. Circular logic. Simplify. Turn that into 2 sentences.

I was always comfortable with encouraging and motivating people to perform tasks that they were either afraid of or thought were impossible to accomplish. By encouraging people to face a challenge it has helped me to face what I myself have considered impossible or feared.

Really? Where? How?

In addition I have perserverence which I feel is an important trait needed to be an effective leader and an all around good officer. All my life I have found that nothing has ever come easy too me, and in order to accomplish your goals I knew I couldn’t give up no matter how hopeless the situation may be.

Again, how? Turn all of that into one sentence and give a follow-up one sentence example.

I want to join because I want to carry on the many traditions that are part of the navy’s history as well as the courage and spirit of those who have served before me. The attack of Semptember 11th has greatly influenced my descision to join the Navy. I remember after learning of the attacks I was in disblief, I couldn’t believe that such a thing could happen to our homeland. At that moment I wanted to fight against the tyranny and agression that now threatens the safety of the U.S.

Convoluted and too long. The intent of those 4 bulky sentences could be condensed into 2 lean statements with emotional, but not sappy sentiment.

By joining the Navy I hope to expierience the bond that devolops between servicemen which I am told is unique because there is no other bond that a person will develop in their lifetime.

First, you've used "bond" twice in one sentence. Second, this should actually be two sentences. Third, it sounds gay. "The bond of servicemen, uh... ok.


You need to find an English teacher/professor to help you work on style and formatting.

Your intent is good, but the execution falls short. Read Smacked in ATL's statement on page 9. It is excellent.

 

[cgoetz]

Damn I really got my work cut out for me. Good thing I posted it hear. I knew I got a little carried away with the sentimental stuff, Should I just take out some of that stuff or should I just take it out completely? Also that part of camraderie should I just dump that out all together. I having trouble of thinking of good that I think will demonstrate to the board that I have good leadership. Bottom line I don't think the situations I have mind will show them I have good leadership, but I'll get to work on it asap. Thanks ZAB 1001.

 

[zab1001]

I hope I didn't come off as discouraging, but you implied that this was after 1 day of work. Write a few drafts.

"Cameraderie" sounds much better than "bond," and I think it's worth keeping. One sentence maybe.

The call to serve stuff is ok as well, but again, keep it succinct.

Leaderships...Boy Scout? Athlete? Volunteer? Mentor? Activities?

Even if you weren't in an official leadership position, were there times you helped/taught someone in a group environment?

Take your time on this, again, you are applying for a career as a professional. Treat the process accordingly.

 

[cgoetz]

Oh no sir you were not discouraging at all. This is why I put it on here I wanted everyone's advice so I can make my package as good as I possibly can. After all I figure if I'm going to go into the militar I better learn to deal with criticism. A lot of it.

 

[cgoetz]

Should I mention my father's service to the navy? His service wasn't as extensive as some of the other guy's dads but I figured it might be worth mentioning.

 

[zab1001]

Maybe a passing mention regarding how you were inspired by his service or something. Nothing more than a sentence.

 

[cgoetz]

Okay thanks, I'll probably work on it tomorrow when I have a fresh mind. I'm kinda tired of looking at it.