exNavyOffRec
Well-Known Member
some of these will apply to AD as well, the statement now says "visible area"
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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
some of these will apply to AD as well, the statement now says "visible area"
This is a new draft of my MS, it's a little too long but I was hoping to get a few eyes on it. I am struggling to get all the desired info into so few words. I appreciate any help:
One of the greatest influences on any person is the environment they are brought up in. For me, that environment has always had a very strong military presence. Growing up in a family where military service stretches back through numerous generations, including two parents who served as commissioned officers in the United States Navy, I have always had a strong sense of duty. Though military service has never been pushed on me, it has long been amongst the highest of my goals. It has never been so much a feeling that I must serve because my family has such a long and proud history of service. Instead, it has always been more a desire to have the privilege to follow in the footsteps of those that have gone before me, in joining the ranks of those who serve our country.
Being afforded so many opportunities in life by the freedoms granted in our country has only increased my desire for a career of military service. I have long felt that the best way for me to give back to this nation was to join the armed forces, and that the United States Navy provided the best opportunities to use the abilities and skills I have acquired throughout my life to do so. It is my firm belief that, given my background, I would best be able to serve the Navy as an aviator. However it is, and always has been, my first priority to serve the Navy in any capacity I am able. Having learned many skills necessary for any leader to possess, I have worked my entire life to put myself in a position to best serve our country as a commissioned officer in the United States Navy.
The way a person reacts to certain situations will be developed throughout their life, sometimes in instances that would not be expected to do so. Many of the challenges in leadership roles that I have faced have come when the leadership position was not an official one. Earning a degree in aeronautical and astronautical engineering, I have spent much of my education working in team settings. On many of these teams, I was either chosen as the team leader at the beginning, or I was looked to as the team leader due to my ability and willingness to delegate roles to other members while still taking on a share of the work myself. One of the biggest problems I have encountered in a leadership role was to motivate team members when others were unwilling or unable to perform their tasks. Due to the numerous leadership roles I have held in the past, I have been able to take the lessons I learned in order to motivate those teams even in undesirable situations.
One of the greatest influences on any person is the environment they are brought up in. For me, that environment has always had a very strong military presence. Growing up in a family where military service stretches back through numerous generations, including two parents who served as commissioned officers in the United States Navy, I have always had a strong sense of duty. Though military service has never been pushed on me, it has long been amongst the highest of my goals. It has never been so much a feeling that I must serve because my family has such a long and proud history of service. Instead, it has always been more a desire to have the privilege to follow in the footsteps of those that have gone before me, in joining the ranks of those who serve our country.
Being afforded so many opportunities in life by the freedoms granted in our country has only increased my desire for a career of military service. I have long felt that the best way for me to give back to this nation was to join the armed forces, and that the United States Navy provided the best opportunities to use the abilities and skills I have acquired throughout my life to do so. It is my firm belief that, given my background, I would best be able to serve the Navy as an aviator. However it is, and always has been, my first priority to serve the Navy in any capacity I am able. Having learned many skills necessary for any leader to possess, I have worked my entire life to put myself in a position to best serve our country as a commissioned officer in the United States Navy.
The way a person reacts to certain situations will be developed throughout their life, sometimes in instances that would not be expected to do so. Many of the challenges in leadership roles that I have faced have come when the leadership position was not an official one. Earning a degree in aeronautical and astronautical engineering, I have spent much of my education working in team settings. On many of these teams, I was either chosen as the team leader at the beginning, or I was looked to as the team leader due to my ability and willingness to delegate roles to other members while still taking on a share of the work myself. One of the biggest problems I have encountered in a leadership role was to motivate team members when others were unwilling or unable to perform their tasks. Due to the numerous leadership roles I have held in the past, I have been able to take the lessons I learned in order to motivate those teams even in undesirable situations.
banjosquirrel
Well-Known Member
Hello!
I am just finishing up my package and hoping to submit in time for certain boards which may or may not be in February. I've been working on drafts of my motivational statement and have a question. During my lurking on this and another threads I've had it in my mind that the statement is supposed to be 400 words or less. However, on the application it just says to keep it in the allowed space, and I am able to fit considerably more than 400 words in the space using the default font (which I don't even think I can change). Can anyone guide me here? Am I supposed to go for 400 words or is longer alright?
Thanks and all the best.
I am just finishing up my package and hoping to submit in time for certain boards which may or may not be in February. I've been working on drafts of my motivational statement and have a question. During my lurking on this and another threads I've had it in my mind that the statement is supposed to be 400 words or less. However, on the application it just says to keep it in the allowed space, and I am able to fit considerably more than 400 words in the space using the default font (which I don't even think I can change). Can anyone guide me here? Am I supposed to go for 400 words or is longer alright?
Thanks and all the best.
Not bad, but you've got a lot of unnecessary adjectives (eg "numerous generations"), and is a bit wordy ("One of the greatest influences on any person is the environment they are brought up in." - the reader probably already knows this), so if you're concerned about space, try to cut things like that out. You also might not want to list you're weaknesses here, "One of the biggest problems...", that line reads as if you were unable to motivate them.
Are you listing the ROTC on your application as well? The board will wonder why you went to ROTC but are now applying to OCS, this is probably a good place to explain that. If you were disenrolled for something negative, you might not want to list it.
I was a college programmer in ROTC and did not get selected for Advanced Standing (that year 20 people in the country were selected) so I was unable to continue. I forgot to update that post with what the NC1 at my NRD helped me get to, I'll post it below
Thank you for the feedback, I appreciate it.
UPDATED:
I respectfully request that my application be reconsidered for selection to a United States Navy officer program. I recently graduated from Purdue University with a Bachelor of Science in Aeronautical and Astronautical Engineering. I have strived throughout my life to do everything that I could to better myself in order to improve my chances of accomplishing my dream of becoming a Naval Officer. I desire the privilege to follow in the footsteps of those that have gone before me, to join the ranks of those who served and defended our country. My ultimate desire is to be an Aviator due to my educational background and scores on the ASTB, along with the fact that I have already passed the ground instruction and written exam for FAA Private Pilot license. Should this not meet the needs of the Navy I will go wherever I am best suited.
Military service has been a tradition in the Hodges’ family for numerous generations along with a strong desire to focus on things that are greater than ones’ self. I have been given an opportunity to see and understand the Navy more than any other branch due to both parents having served as Officers, one being an aviator and the other in the medical corps. From a young age it was explained to me that it is important to have leadership skills and experience, a drive for success, the ability to give counsel and guide (mentor) young people, and be a positive example for those around me. Some examples of my experience are provided.
As a member of the Boy Scouts of America I was given an opportunity to utilize all of the skills previously listed and needed to be a great leader in any organization to include every branch of the military. Upon being elected by the members of my troop at age 16 to Senior Patrol Leader I was responsible for the organization and running of all troop meetings/ activities. It was one of my first significant leadership and mentorship roles. I was leading scouts ages 11 – 18. I was fortunate to have several adult mentors to help me in the larger decisions. At the beginning of my tenure, the attendance of the troop was very low. With courage and determination, I sent an e-mail out to the troop members asking for their inputs as to what would make their troop experience better. Much of the feedback was the lack of hands on training and training exercises which resulted in boredom. Once the issue was identified we reviewed and modified our training plan which resulted in 93-97% attendance rate to meetings in addition to helping 3 people earn the rank of Eagle Scout. I later attained my Eagle Scout after a lot of hard work and dedication.
Some of the most challenging leadership roles I faced were when I was in college working in a team setting. On many of these teams, I was either chosen as the team leader at the beginning or I was looked to as the team leader due to my ability and willingness to delegate roles to other members while still taking on a share of the work myself. I always pushed myself and my subordinates to achieve peak performance goals, resulting in positive team moral and enduring friendships over the years.
During my college time in Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternity I served as New Member Educator, where I was charged with ensuring that new member’s skills were best utilized to contribute to the fraternity, as well as, have the best experience of being a member. During their period of probation, new members are required to complete several events. Some of these events are used to highlight the values the fraternity while others are meant to teach important skills. One of my more significant contributions to the New Member Education was creating a Life Skills Day where the new members are taught several different skills that they would use throughout life including personal organization, car maintenance skills, and financial responsibilities.
During my Freshman and Sophomore years at Purdue University I participated in the Navy ROTC. I wasn’t chosen to receive a scholarship to continue on, however, during the timeframe I was chosen to be a Squad Leader, and eventually slated to be Mustering Petty Officer, earlier than my peers due to my ability to earn the respect of my shipmates, motivate others to perform their best, and my drive and ability to improve myself.
My motivation to join the United States Navy stems not only from a sense of duty and family tradition, but also from a desire to protect those same freedoms I was given. It would be an immense honor to join the ranks of those who protect the lives, freedoms, and rights of those who are in need of protection. I will utilize the knowledge I gained in Boy Scouts, college, my fraternity, and more every day to better myself, my Sailors, and the Navy. If given the opportunity to proudly wear the uniform of a United States Naval Officer, I will do so by leading with the Navy's core values of honor, courage, and commitment.
Did anyone give you help? There should be a reference somewhere that has a definitive answer. You're recruiter probably has it.
banjosquirrel
Well-Known Member
Thanks. My recruiter actually didn't have an answer, so I just went by what the form said and put what I could fit. It ended up being much shorter than the allowed space, although it was significantly more than 400 words. OR said it was good, though, so I'm too concerned.
Hey everyone! I'm just now putting my packet together for Intel. I'm getting the physical and the ASTB done on the 19th. Here is my statement of purpose:
Giving up is never an option, nor the acceptance of mediocrity. I have always strove to be the best version of myself and motivate others to do the same. Through my academic research experience ranging from archaeological excavations to work in archaeological chemistry, I have demonstrated the discipline needed to maintain the high standards to which I hold myself. In choosing to lead during these projects, I have realized that many challenges require the ability to recover quickly from setbacks, adversity, or duress while maintaining a focus on the ultimate goal. I am grateful for these chances that have helped the continual growth of my character and leadership potential.
I desire to earn a commission as a Navy Officer because I believe my unique talents, demonstrated leadership ability, responsibility, and adaptability in decision-making will be of value to my country and the United States Navy.
In my professional life as an archaeologist and anthropologist, I have participated and led numerous projects on a varied range of topics. Each of these projects required the motivation of a diverse range of individuals toward a common goal. Although often exigent, my training as an anthropologist has equipped me to meet these challenges head on. Anthropology, in its simplest form, is the study of human behavior - what people want, value, and need. Through understanding the personal and cultural attributes of individuals, diverse teams can be shaped to work on a common goal. As a part of these diverse teams, I have learned that I am not above criticism or active listening. I purposefully seek counsel from other teammates on projects where I am least knowledgeable.
Through many challenges, working as an archaeologist at the University of Nevada Las Vegas allowed for my leadership to be tested. While working on my Master's I was promoted to crew chief where I oversaw the excavation of numerous archaeological sites. In archaeology, sites can only be excavated once in a very short amount of time; therefore, effective decisions must be made when not all the variables are known. Even when incorrect decisions are made, one must be flexible enough to complete the intended goal within the allotted time. The overall success of these projects is largely due to the overall hard-work from my fellow teammates and is a direct result of the determination and effort of the entire team to work as a unit. Since leading these projects, I have learned that success always belongs to the team rather than to myself.
My education as an anthropologist and current work with the University of Nevada have laid the foundations for a successful career as an officer in the United States Navy. No situation is ever the same. Each unique circumstance will present trials that will test one's ability to make effective decisions. The ability to plan, delegate, and assert under duress allows one to take action and accomplish tasks when others may struggle. My experience in leading research projects has served in the continual growth of my character and success. I truly do not wish to have a career in the civilian sector and will actively seek ways to improve in my effort in becoming a Navy Officer. I believe that earning a commission as an officer in the United States Navy will provide me with an opportunity to serve my country for the numerous opportunities that I have been given both personally and academically, and provide me with the knowledge, expertise, and guidance to become a more effective leader.
My recruiter said it looked good, but I wanted to get a few more eyes on it. Any suggestions would be awesome.
Giving up is never an option, nor the acceptance of mediocrity. I have always strove to be the best version of myself and motivate others to do the same. Through my academic research experience ranging from archaeological excavations to work in archaeological chemistry, I have demonstrated the discipline needed to maintain the high standards to which I hold myself. In choosing to lead during these projects, I have realized that many challenges require the ability to recover quickly from setbacks, adversity, or duress while maintaining a focus on the ultimate goal. I am grateful for these chances that have helped the continual growth of my character and leadership potential.
I desire to earn a commission as a Navy Officer because I believe my unique talents, demonstrated leadership ability, responsibility, and adaptability in decision-making will be of value to my country and the United States Navy.
In my professional life as an archaeologist and anthropologist, I have participated and led numerous projects on a varied range of topics. Each of these projects required the motivation of a diverse range of individuals toward a common goal. Although often exigent, my training as an anthropologist has equipped me to meet these challenges head on. Anthropology, in its simplest form, is the study of human behavior - what people want, value, and need. Through understanding the personal and cultural attributes of individuals, diverse teams can be shaped to work on a common goal. As a part of these diverse teams, I have learned that I am not above criticism or active listening. I purposefully seek counsel from other teammates on projects where I am least knowledgeable.
Through many challenges, working as an archaeologist at the University of Nevada Las Vegas allowed for my leadership to be tested. While working on my Master's I was promoted to crew chief where I oversaw the excavation of numerous archaeological sites. In archaeology, sites can only be excavated once in a very short amount of time; therefore, effective decisions must be made when not all the variables are known. Even when incorrect decisions are made, one must be flexible enough to complete the intended goal within the allotted time. The overall success of these projects is largely due to the overall hard-work from my fellow teammates and is a direct result of the determination and effort of the entire team to work as a unit. Since leading these projects, I have learned that success always belongs to the team rather than to myself.
My education as an anthropologist and current work with the University of Nevada have laid the foundations for a successful career as an officer in the United States Navy. No situation is ever the same. Each unique circumstance will present trials that will test one's ability to make effective decisions. The ability to plan, delegate, and assert under duress allows one to take action and accomplish tasks when others may struggle. My experience in leading research projects has served in the continual growth of my character and success. I truly do not wish to have a career in the civilian sector and will actively seek ways to improve in my effort in becoming a Navy Officer. I believe that earning a commission as an officer in the United States Navy will provide me with an opportunity to serve my country for the numerous opportunities that I have been given both personally and academically, and provide me with the knowledge, expertise, and guidance to become a more effective leader.
My recruiter said it looked good, but I wanted to get a few more eyes on it. Any suggestions would be awesome.
Virginia642
Member
Tim241, how's it going? This is my first time posting on here, so bear with me.
Overall, I think it's a great motivational statement, and, not being an expert on it myself, I think you'd have a great shot of a Pro-rec Y with it. However, I think you can do better! Given that you're not even taking the ASTB until the 19th, it's a very real option for you to rewrite or modify it. I copypasted it into Word so I could make edits easily. I'll PM you the edited version, I don't know how to upload it here directly.
Some general pointers based on what my OR told me (emphasis is my own)... these are the points you really want to nail by the end of the motivational statement:
1. Why do YOU want to join the NAVY?
Overall, I think it's a great motivational statement, and, not being an expert on it myself, I think you'd have a great shot of a Pro-rec Y with it. However, I think you can do better! Given that you're not even taking the ASTB until the 19th, it's a very real option for you to rewrite or modify it. I copypasted it into Word so I could make edits easily. I'll PM you the edited version, I don't know how to upload it here directly.
Some general pointers based on what my OR told me (emphasis is my own)... these are the points you really want to nail by the end of the motivational statement:
1. Why do YOU want to join the NAVY?
- why not any of the other branches?
- what specific events or lessons made you want to be in the Navy?
- why do you want to be in the military to begin with?
- why not just an enlisted sailor?
- what makes you think that officership is the best route for you?
- Remember that being an officer is not a right, it is an honored privilege. Why should you be afforded that opportunity?
- What skills and knowledge do you bring to the table that will make you a good leader?
- What do you have that will make you a good asset in general?
RickD
New Member
Very first draft, feedback solicited and welcomed. My recruiter hasn't mentioned when I would be needing this, but I wanted to get it rolling so I have ample time to make the necessary edits.
Often I am asked by my co-workers, my peers, and even some family members on what it means to “serve”. This is not an easy answer, as we all have served in some capacity during our lives. Is serving only related to being in the military at one point or another in our lives? To that I say “no”. There are many ways each of us commit time and resources to our local communities and to our nation. Fortunately for me, I have had the honor to serve in both capacities, civilian and militarily.
The experiences I gained in the United States Air Force revolved around the concepts of camaraderie, teamwork, dedication, and commitment. This commitment is not only to the words within our Oath, but it’s also commitment to better one’s self. In looking at ways to accomplish this, I decided to attend college – at the age of 42. Being a husband, a father, a volunteer – I had commitments. I had a full-time job as well as numerous volunteer endeavors. By setting priorities and focusing on the objective I was able to graduate with a 3.93 GPA from Northeastern University with a BS in Information Technology. In addition, serving as a Deputy Squadron Commander in the Civil Air Patrol has offered me an opportunity to develop additional leadership skills. Mentoring the cadets and building future leaders is without saying truly gratifying.
Throughout my career, I’ve been put into situations that offered me an opportunity to excel. There have been roadblocks, there have been obstacles to overcome. To say otherwise would be dishonest. It is through these experiences that we build our character and solidify our core being. I’ve learned firsthand the necessary skills to lead others to accomplish a common goal. I am an effective leader, and by earning a commission as a Naval Officer, I will provide the United States Navy Reserves with a valuable resource. I will work attentively to lead, mentor and be mentored.
To serve is an honor. It’s to be taken with great pride. It’s what I wish to continue to do. As a Naval Officer in the United States Navy Reserve, I can offer my experiences gained throughout my life. As a dedicated and devoted individual who has lead and continues to do, I would like nothing more than be afforded the opportunity to lead the next generation of sailors.
Right now it is 395 words.
Often I am asked by my co-workers, my peers, and even some family members on what it means to “serve”. This is not an easy answer, as we all have served in some capacity during our lives. Is serving only related to being in the military at one point or another in our lives? To that I say “no”. There are many ways each of us commit time and resources to our local communities and to our nation. Fortunately for me, I have had the honor to serve in both capacities, civilian and militarily.
The experiences I gained in the United States Air Force revolved around the concepts of camaraderie, teamwork, dedication, and commitment. This commitment is not only to the words within our Oath, but it’s also commitment to better one’s self. In looking at ways to accomplish this, I decided to attend college – at the age of 42. Being a husband, a father, a volunteer – I had commitments. I had a full-time job as well as numerous volunteer endeavors. By setting priorities and focusing on the objective I was able to graduate with a 3.93 GPA from Northeastern University with a BS in Information Technology. In addition, serving as a Deputy Squadron Commander in the Civil Air Patrol has offered me an opportunity to develop additional leadership skills. Mentoring the cadets and building future leaders is without saying truly gratifying.
Throughout my career, I’ve been put into situations that offered me an opportunity to excel. There have been roadblocks, there have been obstacles to overcome. To say otherwise would be dishonest. It is through these experiences that we build our character and solidify our core being. I’ve learned firsthand the necessary skills to lead others to accomplish a common goal. I am an effective leader, and by earning a commission as a Naval Officer, I will provide the United States Navy Reserves with a valuable resource. I will work attentively to lead, mentor and be mentored.
To serve is an honor. It’s to be taken with great pride. It’s what I wish to continue to do. As a Naval Officer in the United States Navy Reserve, I can offer my experiences gained throughout my life. As a dedicated and devoted individual who has lead and continues to do, I would like nothing more than be afforded the opportunity to lead the next generation of sailors.
Right now it is 395 words.
RickD
New Member
Slightly modified...
Often I have been asked on what it means to “serve”. This is not an easy answer, as we all have served in some capacity during our lives. Is serving only related to being in the military at one point or another in our lives? To that I say “no”. There are many ways each of us commit time and resources to our local communities and to our nation. Fortunately for me, I have had the honor to serve in both capacities, civilian and militarily.
The experiences I gained in the Air Force revolved around the concepts of camaraderie, teamwork, dedication, and commitment. This commitment is not only to the words within our Oath, but it’s also a commitment to better one’s self. In looking at ways to better myself, I decided to attend college – at the age of 42. Being a husband, a father, holding a fulltime job, and being involved with numerous volunteer endeavors certainly introduced its challenges. By setting priorities and focusing on the objective I was able to graduate with a 3.93 GPA from Northeastern University with a BS in Information Technology. Leadership is another area I have focused on whether it being an IT Manager at work or serving as a Deputy Squadron Commander in the Civil Air Patrol, I’ve had an opportunity to develop additional leadership skills and mentor others.
Throughout my career, I’ve been put into situations that offered me an opportunity to excel. There have been roadblocks, there have been obstacles to overcome. To say otherwise would be dishonest. It is through these experiences that we build our character and solidify our core being. I’ve learned firsthand the necessary skills to lead others to accomplish a common goal. I am an effective leader, and by earning a commission as a Naval Officer, I will provide the Navy Reserves with a valuable resource. I will work attentively to lead, mentor and be mentored.
To serve is an honor. It’s to be taken with great pride. It’s what I wish to continue to do. As a Naval Officer in the United States Navy Reserve, I can offer my experiences gained throughout my life. As a dedicated and devoted individual who has lead and continues to do, I would like nothing more than be afforded the opportunity to lead the next generation of sailors.
BobbyNavy06
New Member
Hello Everyone,
I really hope that this is the correct tread. I am currently on Active Duty, but I will Depart A/D in Dec 2015 to pursue an MBA, and OCS commission . I spoke with a recruiter and I have to get all of my ducks in a roll prior to my separation.
I am working on my Personal/Motivational Statement and this is basically the beginning of it. Please tell me if I am on the right track or I have to scarp it and restart. No worries I have plenty of time, and I am still writing my Grad School application essays so I will play it real time and fix it as I go.
Respectfully,
ABE2
Personal Statement
All of my adult life I have had one passion-a passion so strong that it ignited a fire through out my entire being, that I never considered doing anything else. For as long as I can remember, all I wanted to do is serve in the United States Navy. The only service branch that gave me a chance- a chance of a lifetime, the one who believed in me when everyone else did not. Not once, have I questioned my path until I become a husband and a father, an experience which helped me narrow my true passion and gave me the strength to focus on my future goals.
It all began on a cold December morning in 2006. I had nothing to show for myself except my Sea Bag and Recruit Ball Cap...............
I really hope that this is the correct tread. I am currently on Active Duty, but I will Depart A/D in Dec 2015 to pursue an MBA, and OCS commission . I spoke with a recruiter and I have to get all of my ducks in a roll prior to my separation.
I am working on my Personal/Motivational Statement and this is basically the beginning of it. Please tell me if I am on the right track or I have to scarp it and restart. No worries I have plenty of time, and I am still writing my Grad School application essays so I will play it real time and fix it as I go.
Respectfully,
ABE2
Personal Statement
All of my adult life I have had one passion-a passion so strong that it ignited a fire through out my entire being, that I never considered doing anything else. For as long as I can remember, all I wanted to do is serve in the United States Navy. The only service branch that gave me a chance- a chance of a lifetime, the one who believed in me when everyone else did not. Not once, have I questioned my path until I become a husband and a father, an experience which helped me narrow my true passion and gave me the strength to focus on my future goals.
It all began on a cold December morning in 2006. I had nothing to show for myself except my Sea Bag and Recruit Ball Cap...............
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- If you say that you've had a passion and that you've never considered doing anything else, it's probably best not to say you've considered something else - if you've never considered anything else why are you leaving the Navy? Likewise, don't start a sentence with a statement "Not once..." and then immidiately invalidate that statement "...until I became..."
- I'm not sure the board wants a narrative about your life, try to focus on why you want to be an officer, and what the Navy will gain from you being one.
Also you've got some typos in your statement and profile, like the P "forked" eval, which I'm sure is supposed to be "frocked", and OSC instead of OCS. Whatever you do, do not submit an application with errors like that.