Afraid that my motivational statement is too radical...

[hipfinnsy]

I know it's short, but I had to hand write it and this is all that I was able to fit on the page, and some people have told me that it's better to just be concise:

Give me a chance and I will give you a warrior. I will bring you not only the success that your service deserves, but the character and integrity that I believe our society as a whole is lacking. I have the resolve of an aircraft carrier, and more desire than I can contain. I am shooting star– if you allow me this opportunity, I will make history. I shun no one. I want progress, not illusions. I am a leader and a juggernaut. God permitting, I will be a Naval officer and an aviator. I cannot think of a position that will better enable me to serve my country and the world. I look forward to your decision with gratitude and an unconditional smile.


Is this appropriate, or will they just call me a faggot and throw away my application?

 

[BigIron]

Although written with spirit, I think it ain't gonna fly.

You need to tell them concisely why it is you want to be a naval officer/aviator. What are your motivations and what do you want to accomplish for yourself and the Navy if you are selected?

In plain language, without reference to shooting stars, warriors, juggernauts, etc. It's interesting writing prose, but distracting.

Read through some of the other motivational statements people have posted here as examples. Good luck.

 

[CUPike11]

Did you use all 400 words? I don't think you did....

I mean, your motivational statement is what you make of it and I don't have the background to say what the board will or won't do as far as your application.

However, your motivational statement is the your ONE chance to actually paint a mental picture to the board of who you are and why you'd be a great Naval Officer. Who knows, maybe they'll say "Wow, that took courage to do this. He really takes risks."

OR, will they simply see it as someone who might be trying too hard and doesn't deserve to become a Naval Officer because he didn't take the time to actually put down WHY he wanted to become a Naval Officer and what HE will bring to the table, without using catchy buzzwords and sucking up. "I look forward to your decision with gratitude and an unconditional smile."

Alright....I was going to be somewhat nice about this, but I can't beat around the bush. You've gotta be kidding me with this man. To me, it seems you like you put in zero effort to this. THIS PAPER COULD MAKE OR BREAK YOUR ENTIRE APPLICATION/FUTURE/CAREER/ETC. I think you need to realize that. YOU are the one looking to become a leader....do you honestly think the various O-3s, O-4s, O-5s, and possibly O-6s that sit on the board will be impressed by this???

The motivational statement is the ONE OPPORTUNITY that you have for the board to hear your words and your voice and how badly you want this and from your past experiences, what you can bring to the table and how you might do it!!

IMHO, you can do WAY better. Although unique yes, as BigIron said, its not going to fly. "I have the resolve of an aircraft carrier" ---- what does that even mean? "I want progress, not illusions." ---- What does that mean and what does that have to do with you leading sailors and fighting the war on terror?? You throw out all these lines and buzzwords/catchphrases and then follow it up with "I cannot think of a position that will better enable me to serve my country and the world."

You've given no indication of why you should be given the OPPORTUNITY to earn a commission, let alone a set of Wings. I really think you need to sit down and search yourself and take this more seriously. The board will smell bullshit a mile away.....

I'm not trying to be a dick, but come on man.....surely, you got a college degree for a reason and are capable of way more than this.

 

[hipfinnsy]

First off: where does it say that I have to use 400 words for the motivational statement? I'm looking at the application right now and I don't see anything in regards to using at least 400 words.

I pretty much agree with everything that both of you said. I figured that it was a little bit outrageous and wouldn't go over well. I just didn't think that the motivational statement was that big of a deal. I have a high GPA and I know that I'm going to get an extremely high ASTB score (after studying and scoring successfully on the LSAT, this test is just lolz) So on a more technical note: did any of you have a problem actually typing on the motivational statement form in the .pdf file? I can enter text into the section but then it just stops at the end of the line and won't let me type anything else.

 

[CUPike11]

It doesn't say you HAVE to use 400 words, just that there is a 400 word limit. Most of the statements I've read and helped applicants with, they have a problem keeping it to just 400 words, I know I did. But to each their own.

Good luck.

 

[OnTopTime]

I have a high GPA and I know that I'm going to get an extremely high ASTB score (after studying and scoring successfully on the LSAT, this test is just lolz).

Confidence is good, hubris is bad. Having taken both the ASTB and the LSAT, I can tell you that the tests are very different.

 

[hipfinnsy]

Oh yeah-- one more thing:

Would it be useful to mention my family's military history at all for part of my motivational statement? Obviously my family's service and accomplishments don't mean anything about me, but I feel like it is still a bit pertinent. (Grandfather was WWII infantry who won five bronze stars, father is a Vietnam veteran, cousin was KIA 75th Ranger). That and the fact that my last name translates from Scottish Gaelic to "Son of The Sea," lol.

 

[m26]

Confidence is good, hubris is bad. Having taken both the ASTB and the LSAT, I can tell you that the tests are very different.

<
LSAT: 98th percentile
ASTB: Around the 80th

The overlap between the tests is minimal.

 

[A4sForever]

Your statement is more of one that you'd make after days and days of sleep deprivation, hunger, and constant combat ...

You have the 1000-mile stare ...

You and your comrades-in-arms FIX BAYONETS -- SOMEONE BLOWS THE WHISTLE -- AND YOU GO OVER THE TOP TO "CLOSE THE LAST 100 YARDS" (hint: it's a book ... an NCO oriented 'training book') ...

While I admire your 'spunk' ... you don't want to make the O-5 and up board members .... 'laugh' .... do you???

Just my $20 worth ...

 

[The Chief]

First off: where does it say ...

Not mad, at all, why do you ask? You might want to start by explaining the reason for the chip on your shoulder and how you intend to get rid of it.

No you are not required to produce 400 words, I would think rather than viewing the 400 words as excessive one would approach it a constraint, certainly you would need much more than 400 to detail your motivation. I have always found it useful to write a piece twice or thrice the length allowed and then edit it down to that what is allowed, plus 1. Make each word count, no fillers.

While I have the mic, my advice, for what it is worth:

Three paragraphs.

The first is a brief intro to yourself and to the statement in general

Second and largest is background material such as the fact that your JPJ was your great grandfather, or what ever the case may be.

Thrid is a what you want the board to do and why, briefly. That is to select you and briefly why. For many reasons the last paragraph is most important and should convey what you want to happen.

Do not depend on GPA et al to substitute for a well written statement of your motivation.

 

[HAL Pilot]

Yes...the next great American supehero is right here on the site.......

Use that statement and the will laugh and throw away your application. Up until a week ago, they would have called you a fagot too, but now the CAPT Honors incident will prevent that.

 

[hipfinnsy]

Am I allowed to talk about horses and polygons in the statement?

 

[KCOTT]

For some reason when I read your statement I think of this guy:

 

[phrogpilot73]

Am I allowed to talk about horses and polygons in the statement?

Are you a troll? Take a week off.

 

[GreenLantern330]

He's a gaytor. What do you expect?