When to get married

[billiken2002]

What's going on?

Currently I am in NROTC and I still have 2.5 years until I am commissioned. My question, involving my girlfriend, is when is a good time to get married. I've obviously heard the saying "Wings before Rings" but I have seen many, those that have been commissioned or soon to be, are already engaged. Would it be bad or good, say to get engaged some time before I am commissioned and married sometime during the training pipeline (possibly after Primary)?

 

[bch]

That is something you have got to figure out for yourself man....
That being said, I cannot imagine being married and going through primary right now. 2 reasons, there are a great many times, where my day consisted of wake up, fly, study, go to bed. There was no time or brain power left to give another person some attention.

Lastly in my opinion, it gives your girlfriend a chance to see what she would be getting into marrying a military pilot.

 

[Fatboy]

don't do it!!!!!!!

I truly believe you can only have one number one priority in life. There is allways one thing that is the most important all others fall behind. Sometimes you can compromise one for the other but at the end of the day you only have that one priority that drives you. If your married it should be to your marriage. Some people can make it through primary with wife and kids and a dog and morgage with no more hardship than a single guy. I'm almost 28 been married. No way would I want to do this and have to worry about that other stuff too.

 

[riley]

It is too late not to do it. The guy already mentioned the "M" word - obviously pretty serious with the gal - especially being only a sophmore in college (what I read from the 2.5 years left).

Even if you don't marry her, she's still going to want time with you. I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to flight training (I'm waiting to hear back if I am selected for Jan. '04 Marine OCC class), but I do know about marriage. If you are that serious with a girl already, before primary - you, for all intents and purposes, are already married....She is going to want time with you, and act just like a wife would in that circumstance...

My point is that unless you are completely single - no girlfriend or anything, you won't be able to follow fatboy's or bch's advice. It's your own choice, no amount of advice from anyone can change that fact. Like Fatboy said, it can be done (being married) but it isn't easy. So what do you want out of life right now?

 

[navsup]

Some may say that a wife would drag you down, It seems like most of them are not married. As a married person I would say that it is great to have a spouse around to support you. Odds are she will understand your demanding training requirements, and will do whatever it takes to help you succeed. She may want more attention than you can provide at the time but she will know that it is because you are trying to work hard to provide a good life for both of you. Its not like you will be out playing golf or watching football.

 

[Brooke]

It sounds like everyone here is a male...and out of curiosity, is anyone who's replied in a relationship or married? I ask b/c I have been thinking about this same thing, except I worry about it more than think about it. I'm a 23 yr old woman, and the Navy and being accepted into OCS is what I want more than anything. I'm dating someone, however, I don't think it's really going to go anywhere given that I want to be in the Navy and he's just begun training for the police academy in a different state. That being said, although the Navy/OCS holds priority right now, I surely want to find someone and hopefully be married one day. What I'm afraid of is this: are there men out there who are willing to follow a "career" military woman around. Guys don't have this problem, b/c there are always women willing to pack up and go for a man. I was in a very serious relationship w/ a submariner and was close to doing the very same thing. It just doesn't seem likely that I will find someone willing to do that for me. Not that I have a low self esteem, but it just seems as though men really don't do that kind of thing. Am I dead wrong? From the guys who have posted replies (or anyone who reads this), do you think I'm worrying over nothing?

Billiken: Only you know how much you can give. The rest are right, it's about priorities. It sounds like you truly love this girl, however you have to think about what's best for both of you and above all, what's fair. If you spread yourself too thin, something is going to give, and you need to decide where your true passion lies.

 

[Meridiani]

Brooke, I'm a married woman, and I'll be going to OCS in February. My husband is a medically retired Marine, so he knows what the military lifestyle will be like for us, and he's still willing to follow me around the country.

There's at least one other female member of this forum who is married. She's going in as an Intel officer, and her husband is a civilian.

Just so you know that married women in the military actually DO exist...

 

[littledancerus]

Brook, I have that same worry too! I'm trying to get into OCS right now. I don't have a boyfriend or anything, but I feel like it's unlikely that I will be able to find a guy who will be willing to follow me around. (Especially since I will already be in the military when I am looking for this person) Sometimes I just wish I was a guy 'cause it seems like things would be a lot easier... But I want to be in the Navy so much that I guess I'll deal with it...

 

[Brooke]

Meridiani: first of all, CONGRATULATIONS on being accepted!!! I just keep waiting for the phone call that will hopefully tell me I've been accepted, however I think I'll probably die of heart failure upon hearing the news Are you recently married, or was this a decision the two of you explored together? I don't mean to get too personal, however I'm just curious. It seems that maybe going into this when already married would probably be easier than finding a spouse while in the process. I hate sounding so negative, and that is not my intention, I'm just a little worried that it's going to come down to the choice of career vs. family and I honestly want both.

Thanks for the insight though, it's definitely nice hearing successful stories. By the way, did you (or the other woman you spoke of) meet your husband in the Navy?

 

[riley]

I agree with Navsup - God willing, if I'm selected and am commissinoed and then can go to primary (wow - I do have a long way to go), I want my wife there. She's my best friend and my teammate and I know I coulnd't make it through everything without her (She and I both know how hard it will be). I would not go through this process if my wife wasn't 100% supportive. In the same way - I strive to support her in all her dreams and ambitions - it works both ways.

Brooke, I have a friend I fly with that is going through the same thing. She gave up a pilot slot in the Air Force, because at the time she didn't know if it was the right thing for her - thinking of relationships and family, etc. (it didn't help that the a@#holes at the recruiting office were giving her hell to make up her mind right then and there). Now, she is going back through the process, mainly applying to Air Guard units (however, I'm giving her a ton of info on the Marines - maybe she'll go that way.) I guess my point is that there are others out there.

I had a friend I grew up with whose mom was a Col. in the Army and his dad was a civilian - so I know it happens. Also, from experience with my wife and most other people I know, you will find your spouse when you least expect it and when you are not even looking.

 

[Brooke]

Littledancerus: Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks about this I know what you mean though; I want this more than anything in the world...this is my dream! Since I don't really have any proposals to dissuade me (and my boyfriend doesn't seem to want to progress in our relationship) I'm going to go at this with my entire being. Like you said, we'll just have to deal with it. I just keep telling myself I'm too young to worry about this just yet

Riley: You are a very lucky guy to have such unconditional support from your wife. Good luck with everything...it sounds that no matter what happens, you have been blessed. Thanks for the stories about the women you know, it's nice knowing that others worry about the same things (which is partly why we talk about half of the things we do on this website!!)

 

[goplay234]

Overall, it's a tough call you are going to have to make for yourself. I tried to make it work and my g/f couldn't even get her head around the POSSIBILITY of deployments let alone me actually deploying. I say, if she's in it for the long haul, you are a lucky person and should hold on to that as long as you can.

 

[bch]

Riley,
Just to clarify, it is not too late for him. I have been in a serious relation for over 2 yrs, where the "m" word has been mentioned. That being said, it is the smartest decision I have ever made to wait until after flight school and a little bit of fleet experience. It has given my girlfriend time and experience to see that I will not always be around like a guy with a normal 9-5 job. It has given me time to focus on the job at hand.

Billiken... if she is truly the one, then waiting to make sure she understands what she is getting into will not hurt the relationship. Also, it will give you the opportunity focus on flight school. There are quite a number of guys I know in flight school who are wishing that they were not married.... that being said ( I don't want to say that all married guys are suffering, that would be untrue), there are a number who are doing just fine being married.

 

[TNWhiskey]

I'm 25, contracted to Marine OCS, and have been married for just over two years now. If you want to get married get married...HOWEVER, make sure she knows what your plans are...what that entails and the like...how you could be gone alot...how flight school will be a lot of long hours and such...My wife just wants to know what the situation will be. I guess its her getting mentally prepared for what's to come...if you only tell your wife after OCS/TBS we'll be together unless I'm deployed you'd be not telling her the truth...She will have to know that some days you'll say good morning and the next time you say anything to her it will be the next morning because you were flying all day...studying for a test, etc. From my little experience most women can deal with you not being there 24/7 as long as they are prepared for it.

The other question for those of you who might decide to not get married is...would you be any happier or motivated in flight school? Would you be thinking about what might have been...would you be calling her all the time? IMO, if that's the case you should be married because her not being with you as big of a distraction as some people claim having a wife would be. That's just my 2 cents worth.

 

[EA-6B1]

E5B I know is married. He's in flight school right now, so I know he would have some good advice about how married life is.