"After an exhaustive six-month investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here, okay? Hard to believe you were invaded, twice." - Jay Leno.
"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week and not a minute too soon: the French are acting as advisers to the remaining Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." - Jay Leno.
"My only hope is when those terrorists get to Heaven, they meet up with the kind of virgins we had in Catholic school: Sister Mike Ditka from Our Mother of Eternal Retribution." - Robin Williams.
"President Bush was considering asking for French Army help in Iraq until he heard about some of their new high tech weaponry, for example: a battle tank with 15 reverse gears and one forward gear in case they are attached from the rear, encrypted surrender code, and a computer-operated dayglo neon white flag that pops out of its turret-mounted cannon instantly whenever enemy troops are detected." - Anonymous Pentagon correspondent.
"Counter-terrorism experts say that Osama bin Laden may be hiding secret messages on pornographic websites. You know what that means. . . . . Clinton could find this guy before Bush." - Jay Leno.
"Going to war without France is like hunting deer without an accordion." - Donald Rumsfeld.
"Bush is in Germany. A hundred-thousand Germans are protesting because they don't like the idea of the U.S. expanding the war. Here's how it works: the Germans don't like any war that they don't start." - David Letterman.
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'" - Robin Williams.
"I know they're willing to die for their cause, but are they willing to take a hot poker up the ass?" - Comedian Al Franken, on coaxing information from terrorist suspects.
"Some human rights groups are complaining that the al Qaeda detainees in Guantanamo Bay are being treated inhumanly. Oh please! They're in the Caribbean in January, okay? Add some goats and sheep to the place and they'd think it was Temptation Island." - Jay Leno.
"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word "peace." Right idea, wrong president." - Jay Leno.
"According to military analysts, an invasion of Iraq by U.S. forces could cost between $20 and $50 billion. The Pentagon announced it would offset those costs by selling sponsorships, so the impending conflict will be named 'The Verizon Wireless/Pizza Hut War Against Iraq'." - Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live.
"Today more al Qaeda and Taliban prisoners were flown to Guantanomo Bay in Cuba. On the plane they are bound, sedated and chained to their chairs - or, as Continental calls it, coach." - Jay Leno.
"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week and not a minute too soon: the French are acting as advisers to the remaining Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." - Jay Leno.
"My only hope is when those terrorists get to Heaven, they meet up with the kind of virgins we had in Catholic school: Sister Mike Ditka from Our Mother of Eternal Retribution." - Robin Williams.
"President Bush was considering asking for French Army help in Iraq until he heard about some of their new high tech weaponry, for example: a battle tank with 15 reverse gears and one forward gear in case they are attached from the rear, encrypted surrender code, and a computer-operated dayglo neon white flag that pops out of its turret-mounted cannon instantly whenever enemy troops are detected." - Anonymous Pentagon correspondent.
"Counter-terrorism experts say that Osama bin Laden may be hiding secret messages on pornographic websites. You know what that means. . . . . Clinton could find this guy before Bush." - Jay Leno.
"Going to war without France is like hunting deer without an accordion." - Donald Rumsfeld.
"Bush is in Germany. A hundred-thousand Germans are protesting because they don't like the idea of the U.S. expanding the war. Here's how it works: the Germans don't like any war that they don't start." - David Letterman.
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'" - Robin Williams.
"I know they're willing to die for their cause, but are they willing to take a hot poker up the ass?" - Comedian Al Franken, on coaxing information from terrorist suspects.
"Some human rights groups are complaining that the al Qaeda detainees in Guantanamo Bay are being treated inhumanly. Oh please! They're in the Caribbean in January, okay? Add some goats and sheep to the place and they'd think it was Temptation Island." - Jay Leno.
"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word "peace." Right idea, wrong president." - Jay Leno.
"According to military analysts, an invasion of Iraq by U.S. forces could cost between $20 and $50 billion. The Pentagon announced it would offset those costs by selling sponsorships, so the impending conflict will be named 'The Verizon Wireless/Pizza Hut War Against Iraq'." - Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live.
"Today more al Qaeda and Taliban prisoners were flown to Guantanomo Bay in Cuba. On the plane they are bound, sedated and chained to their chairs - or, as Continental calls it, coach." - Jay Leno.