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Surface Warrior Hater’s Ball


Well-Known Member
Credit goes to JOPA:

SPEAKER: “For all you Swarriors out there who weren’t cool enough to be aviators, weren’t chill enough to be SEALs, or couldn’t get the security clearance to go Intel—welcome to the Annual Surface Warrior Haters’ Ball!

We’ve got a great program tonight, all you careerist copouts, SWOCIP sellouts, lazy louts—and a special shout-out to all you BUDS dropouts!”

BUDS DROPOUT: “Screw you, I still got one more look!”

SPEAKER: “Alright, keep telling yourself you’re something special after all—that’s swotivation! It’s been a great year in surface warfare, folks. We got the new TYCOM Surface Force Readiness Manual that’s gonna revolutionize the way ATG thinks training works in Surface Navy; we got minesweepers in the Philippines grounding on coral reefs—ouch! That’s gotta hurt! And of course, who could forget the disturbingly low SWO JO retention rate?”

SWOCIP SELLOUT: “The younger generations have no work ethic! Back in my day--”

SPEAKER: “HA HA, YES! YOU ARE SO RIGHT, WHAT ELSE COULD IT POSSIBLY BE?! Now that we’ve solved that problem once and for all, let’s hear it for our guest band tonight, Panic in the Pilothouse!”


SPEAKER: “Ladies and gentlemen, it seems supply never released the funds to pay the band, so we’re gonna have to move on.”

LS2: “You didn’t put in a job for that. I don’t get paid enough to guess what you want.”

SPEAKER: “Hey, there’s no configuration item for that, but as long as we’re on the topic of things that don’t actually exist, let’s hear the nominations for the most swotivational individuals of the year!In this corner, we have CDR Koward, who tells his unqualified ensigns that they suck at bridge resource management—but won’t let them make a single decision for themselves on the bridge!”

CDR KOWARD: “The JOOD drives the checklists.”

SPEAKER: “Sure, and I’ll bet the conning officer really drives the ship, too! Now over here, let’s take a look at LT Dirtbag, a Train-O who gundecked an entire tour’s worth of work, but still nominated himself for and received a NAM and letter of commendation for some vaguely worded thing a First Class from another department accomplished!”

LT DIRTBAG: “I’ve done my time. I’m turning over. Taking a backseat and letting the unqualified JO’s take the helm.”

SPEAKER: “I’m sure you’ve made quite the impression on that young JO for the last year and a half you’ve been turning over. Finally, we have here ENS Timmy, who deliberately and inexplicably broke the induction coil on the SPS-49 waveguide!”

ENS TIMMY: “… I… the what? I’m not even in Ops…”


CAREERIST COPOUT: “Take away his OOD letter!”

SPEAKER: “He doesn’t even have one! ENS Timmy, how have you fallen so far from grace?!”

(angry crowd of SWOs assembles, denies ENS Timmy his POM leave and gives him EMI)

SPEAKER: “Aaah, I’m loving the energy here tonight! So much hate! Alright folks, it looks like it’s that time of night—time to pick the Surface Warrior of the Year! We didn’t receive very many nominations, but it looks like our Surface Warrior of the Year is… (opening letter) ENS Timmy, for excellence in being the only person to nominate himself for Surface Warrior of the Year!”

LAZY LOUT: “What?! How?”

ENS TIMMY: “I sent everyone the message.”

LAZY LOUT: “Message? I don’t have time read messages! I work too damn hard!”

SPEAKER: “As a consolation prize, ENS Lout will receive the Surface Warrior of the Quarter award for working too damn hard to read message traffic every now and then. Well, I’m afraid that’s all I have time for tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I’d love to stay and socialize, but I hate all of you. Enjoy the Doritos someone stole from the CPO Mess, and stay swotivated.”

Renegade One

Well-Known Member
Cute intention, perhaps…but I, too, find it sad. Hope this was written in a Ready Room and not a Wardroom. I have no idea.:(


Well-Known Member
Should have filmed this. Could probably have gotten a skipper you don't like fired.

mad dog

*current G&S driver*
SPEAKER: "...I’d love to stay and socialize, but I hate all of you. Enjoy the Doritos someone stole from the CPO Mess, and stay swotivated.”
I thought it was pretty damn funny...especially the last portion quoted above.