Reconsideration Statement Proofread

[XeroCool]

Hey,
I finally finished a rough draft for my new statement and I was wondering if you would be so kind as to look over it. As of right now I am at 499 words, is that alright or am I going to have to slim it down? Any and all help would be appreicated.


I hope to become a naval officer because I believe that it would be a good opportunity to defend my country while engaging in a career that is both cutting edge and incredibly rewarding. This statement is to prove that I will not fail the strict traditions and standards of being a US Naval Officer. Every time I speak with a Naval Officer, it ensures me that the Navy is the right career path for me. Being a Naval Officer might not be an easy career choice. I know every sacrifice that I will make is worth the fulfillment of having a job I find exciting and important. I wish to be reconsidered for an Officer Candidate School appointment.
Preparing myself to be a Naval Officer ranges from physical fitness to academic pursuits. I work daily to ensure that I will surpass the physical standards required by the United States Navy. I know that my GPA is not the best but I do not feel that it is an indication of my potential. In preparation for becoming a Naval Officer I have been studying more effective ways to communicate. Mission Success can only be accomplished by maintaining correct and current information in the chain of command vertically, and horizontally alike. Understanding the principles of aerodynamics are the keys to success, however they only form the stepping stones in which everything else rests. I am setting myself up for success by being ahead of the competition in regards to situational awareness and target recognition. I have spent my life around military aviation and have learned a great deal about aircraft.
I am supremely confident in my ability to become a Naval Officer. Whether it is leading people or becoming a Naval Aviator I will only give my best. During college I showed leadership skills while coaching my former swim team. I had the responsibility of planning and executing daily practices while maintaining discipline for the entire team. While overseeing the whole team’s needs I also had to ensure each individual was prepared for the upcoming swim meets. Many times in my life I have heard that leading people is similar to raising children. Recently I was asked to help take care of two young children. Their parents are dual military and good friends of mine, unfortunately both had to be away. This has taught me patience and a sense of responsibility I have never before experienced.
Ever since my father took me to the UH-60 simulator at Simmons Airfield in North Carolina, I knew flying was what I wanted to pursue. Having grown up in a military family I understand the sacrifices that must be made by a service member and their family. The ability to serve and defend my country outweighs the sacrifices that I will make. I find a great deal of pride in serving my country. This career is an important responsibility and I would be honored to be given the chance to become a Naval Officer.


Very Respectfully,
Rob~XeroCool

 

[cmquaker]

This sounds a lot like a motivational statement. Shouldn't it be more about how you have improved since the last board?

Couple grammar/spelling points
-Use consistent capitalization for "Naval Officer"
-"Ensures" should be "assures", though that wording is a bit awkward. It would be better, "Every time I speak..., I am assured that the Navy..."

 

[RichardDelk]

Agreed, that's another motivational statement. You could certainly use that as your new statement if you wanted, but the reconsideration letter is supposed to be about a paragraph and discuss why you think they should reconsider your application.

Include points about how you've improved your application since your last attempt (better ASTB scores, better GPA, extra cirricular activity, volunteer work, flight time, PRT scores, etc). You need to include these points so they know you've worked to improve yourself since they last reviewed your application.

 

[zab1001]

Just reading through this, I'd say it's 200-250 words too long. Some thoughts:

I hope to become a naval officer because I believe that it would be a good opportunity to defend my country while engaging in a career that is both cutting edge and incredibly rewarding.

"I hope to become a Naval Officer because I believe that it would be a good opportunity to defend my country while engaging in a career that is both cutting edge and incredibly rewarding."

This statement is to prove that I will not fail the strict traditions and standards of being a US Naval Officer.

No, it isn't. The purpose of this statement is to demonstrate why you should be reconsidered. How do you "fail a tradition"? Small point, but as part of an opening statement, it's important to make sense.

Every time I speak with a Naval Officer, it ensures me that the Navy is the right career path for me.

"Each time I speak with a Naval Officer, it assures me that the Navy is the right career path for me."

This might be better used as part of a conclusion.

Being a Naval Officer might not be an easy career choice.

"Being a Naval Officer will not be an easy career choice."

I know every sacrifice that I will make is worth the fulfillment of having a job I find exciting and important.

"I know every sacrifice that I will make will be worth the fulfillment of having a job I find important and exciting."

1. Check your verb tenses.
2. The "importance" of the job needs to be stressed over any "excitement".

I wish to be reconsidered for an Officer Candidate School appointment.

"I request to be reconsidered for an appointment toOfficer Candidate School."

"Wishes" are for fairy tales. "Request" sounds more professional.

Preparing myself to be a Naval Officer ranges from physical fitness to academic pursuits.

"My preparations to become a Naval Officer range from striving to increase my GPA to preparing for my next PFT."

I work daily to ensure that I will surpass the physical standards required by the United States Navy.

Delete this.

I know that my GPA is not the best but I do not feel that it is an indication of my potential.

I beg to differ, and so will any board member. For an applicant such as yourself, the best indicator of your potential for success is your GPA. You'd be better off mentioning somewhere in here that you're working to bring it up.

In preparation for becoming a Naval Officer I have been studying more effective ways to communicate.

How? This really isn't applicable to your case.

Mission Success can only be accomplished by maintaining correct and current information in the chain of command vertically, and horizontally alike.

I'm not sure where you came up with this, but delete it. Your credibility regarding keys to mission success is minimal at best. It sounds like filler.

Understanding the principles of aerodynamics are the keys to success, however they only form the stepping stones in which everything else rests.

Seriously, what are you talking about? You're applying for OCS. You're applying to be a NAVAL OFFICER. Statements like the one above indicate you're putting the cart before the horse. You're abilities to lead and manage do not rest upon your "understanding the principles of aerodynamics". Get rid of it.

I am setting myself up for success by being ahead of the competition in regards to situational awareness and target recognition. I have spent my life around military aviation and have learned a great deal about aircraft.

What does this have to do with anything? It isn't applicable. No one cares if you can identify an aircraft type. This says nothing about your potential for success or reasons to reconsider your application. Lose it.

I am supremely confident in my ability to become a Naval Officer. Whether it is leading people or becoming a Naval Aviator I will only give my best.

"Whether it is leading people or becoming a Naval Aviator I will only give my best."

You WILL be leading people as a Naval Aviator. Rethink and rephrase.

During college I showed leadership skills while coaching my former swim team. I had the responsibility of planning and executing daily practices while maintaining discipline for the entire team. While overseeing the whole team’s needs I also had to ensure each individual was prepared for the upcoming swim meets.

This is what they're looking for. What leadership traits did you find were most important? What did you discover about your own abilities?

Many times in my life I have heard that leading people is similar to raising children. Recently I was asked to help take care of two young children. Their parents are dual military and good friends of mine, unfortunately both had to be away. This has taught me patience and a sense of responsibility I have never before experienced.

While I disagree with the first sentence, this isn't a bad passage. You need to expand on how much you were actually involved in caring for the kids. I don't know if you babysat once a week or were staying overnight and preparing them for school.

Ever since my father took me to the UH-60 simulator at Simmons Airfield in North Carolina, I knew flying was what I wanted to pursue.

"From the time my father took me to the UH-60 simulator at Simmons Airfield in North Carolina, I knew flying was what I wanted to pursue."

1. "Ever since" versus "From the time". Elements of style will make a statement easier to read and flow better.
2. You're focusing way too much on the aviation/NA/flying side of all this. Mention it once.

Having grown up in a military family I understand the sacrifices that must be made by a service member and their family.

"Having grown up in a military family I understand the sacrifices that must be made by service members and those close to them. "

Using "family" twice in one sentence doesn't read well.

The ability to serve and defend my country outweighs the sacrifices that I will make.

"The opportunity to serve and defend my country outweighs any sacrifices that I might make."

I find a great deal of pride in serving my country.

I find a great deal of pride in the idea of serving my country.

This career is an important responsibility and I would be honored to be given the chance to become a Naval Officer.

Not a bad closing statement.

You need to edit your statement heavily. Focus more on what you are doing to improve your package. Don't dwell on the GPA issue, but don't sidestep it either.

Like I've said in similar threads, I can't stress the importance of having anything you write in an official capacity reviewed by someone well versed in grammar and composition.

 

[skidkid]

Zab,
will you do my Command and Staff for me? I think this guy owes you a bottle.

 

[zab1001]

I seriously think I missed my calling. Or I should have at least majored in English.

It drives me nuts when I see anything official (whether it's a STA-21 app or something from one of my peers) that isn't at least spell and grammar checked. It isn't hard.

 

[BackOrdered]

zab1001 I'm tempted to post my letters and have you rip them apart. You do good work man.

 

[HAL Pilot]

Zab - you have Admin Officer written all over you. Run, run - run far and fast. Once an Admin Officer you'll never escape and will doomed to a world of paperwork for the rest of your career......

 

[zab1001]

Already dodged that bullet, I'm finishing my Shore Tour with no chance of DH.

On to brighter horizons, I'll let ya'll know in about a month...