Officer Candidate Essay

[RockNrolling]

No, why he wants to be a Naval Officer. The focus is being an Officer first.

Good one. My bad.

 

[yakboyslim]

Contrary to what was just posted above, I would talk about why you want NFO. You are applying to be an NFO, just always remember that an NFO is a Naval Officer first (not to mention NAMI whammy considerations, and stuff like that). Don't ever think that the two are separable ideas, but for the purposes of why you want to join, they are kind of. Don't launch into a rant about specifically wanting F-18s or something, but talking about why NFO would give personal information, which your essay needs more of. Just my take.

Also you're writing style is very academic. You use long sentences and non-committal wording. I had a boring night, so I took a moment to do a rewrite. I obviously know nothing about you, so this is a rewrite based on just taking sentence for sentence what I think you meant, and rewording it to be more concise and direct. Except the last paragraph, I went a little off script.
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All men come to a crossroads in life, to lead or to follow. For many it will be the latter, but the best will rise to shape and strengthen the world. They will realize that greatness only comes to those who fight for it. However, understanding alone is not enough. Being humbled by those who have sacrificed before me, I realize that it is my obligation to fulfill my duty to fellow citizens, as well as the flag.

While knowledge and intelligence are crucial, I believe working with people is the most important aspect of leadership. When I coached track and field I was able to gain the athletes trust, not just because of my workouts but because of how I presented the workouts. With this trust I was able to help many reach their goals.

After diligently undertaking a full course load at WSU, working a job and volunteering for a study abroad program, I now seek to further my ambitions as a Naval Officer. I am not entitled or owed this opportunity by anyone, but if given the chance I am confident my drive and persistence will help me become a leader in the Navy. Each day I work hard to achieve a list of goals set for myself while constantly raising the bar. If I become a Naval Officer I will continue to do this each day, meeting ever bigger goals for myself and my sailors.

The Navy is made up of many individuals working together to accomplish a larger goal. My personal drive to constantly improve will keep me from falling behind, while my ability to motivate others will help those around to set and achieve their own goals. If given the opportunity for my leadership to be cultivated, channeled and ultimately tested, as a Naval Officer I know that I can succeed.
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The essay still needs tuned so it is more about you, and this is by no means guaranteed to be good, so please don't take this as close to done. I just didn't like everyone saying "rewrite the whole thing" without helping much. You came here asking for help with it and it is obvious from the lack of grammar and spelling errors that the problems are not caused by your lack of effort. It is just your writing style for the most part, and your choice of content. It reads like a research paper, very academic, and very impersonal.

Use this as a platform to start your next draft from. Talk more about yourself - more about your personal motivation. Don't worry if you don't have a family history of dying in wars and you don't literally bleed red, white and blue. Just talk about why you think you could be a leader and help those who work under you.

 

[Steve Wilkins]

I would start over my friend. Your word choice in many places, sentence structure, and grammar are incorrect. This borders on unreadable. If you are going to make the claim that you are attuned to small details then show it through your writing.

What he said

Try to avoid some of the more superfluous, flowery metaphors...

and what he said

No, why he wants to be a Naval Officer. The focus is being an Officer first.

and what he said

 

[Steve Wilkins]

And just to clarify, there is nothing wrong with starting over. It doesn't mean you suck or are a worthless POS. It just means that many of us feel you would be more successful by rewriting your essay from the beginning. Stick to the basics. Remember that shit we learned in gradeschool. Your essay should have a flow to it -- a beginning, middle, and end. It should have a central theme. Your paragraphs should have topic sentences.

 

[RiseR 25]

Contrary to what was just posted above, I would talk about why you want NFO. You are applying to be an NFO, just always remember that an NFO is a Naval Officer first (not to mention NAMI whammy considerations, and stuff like that). Don't ever think that the two are separable ideas, but for the purposes of why you want to join, they are kind of. Don't launch into a rant about specifically wanting F-18s or something, but talking about why NFO would give personal information, which your essay needs more of. Just my take.

Also you're writing style is very academic. You use long sentences and non-committal wording. I had a boring night, so I took a moment to do a rewrite. I obviously know nothing about you, so this is a rewrite based on just taking sentence for sentence what I think you meant, and rewording it to be more concise and direct. Except the last paragraph, I went a little off script.
-
-
-
All men come to a crossroads in life, to lead or to follow. For many it will be the latter, but the best will rise to shape and strengthen the world. They will realize that greatness only comes to those who fight for it. However, understanding alone is not enough. Being humbled by those who have sacrificed before me, I realize that it is my obligation to fulfill my duty to fellow citizens, as well as the flag.

While knowledge and intelligence are crucial, I believe working with people is the most important aspect of leadership. When I coached track and field I was able to gain the athletes trust, not just because of my workouts but because of how I presented the workouts. With this trust I was able to help many reach their goals.

After diligently undertaking a full course load at WSU, working a job and volunteering for a study abroad program, I now seek to further my ambitions as a Naval Officer. I am not entitled or owed this opportunity by anyone, but if given the chance I am confident my drive and persistence will help me become a leader in the Navy. Each day I work hard to achieve a list of goals set for myself while constantly raising the bar. If I become a Naval Officer I will continue to do this each day, meeting ever bigger goals for myself and my sailors.

The Navy is made up of many individuals working together to accomplish a larger goal. My personal drive to constantly improve will keep me from falling behind, while my ability to motivate others will help those around to set and achieve their own goals. If given the opportunity for my leadership to be cultivated, channeled and ultimately tested, as a Naval Officer I know that I can succeed.
-
-
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The essay still needs tuned so it is more about you, and this is by no means guaranteed to be good, so please don't take this as close to done. I just didn't like everyone saying "rewrite the whole thing" without helping much. You came here asking for help with it and it is obvious from the lack of grammar and spelling errors that the problems are not caused by your lack of effort. It is just your writing style for the most part, and your choice of content. It reads like a research paper, very academic, and very impersonal.

Use this as a platform to start your next draft from. Talk more about yourself - more about your personal motivation. Don't worry if you don't have a family history of dying in wars and you don't literally bleed red, white and blue. Just talk about why you think you could be a leader and help those who work under you.

Damn, free editing… Doesn't get much better than that. He should be grateful.

 

[Tycho_Brohe]

Yeah, but to be fair...

Also you're your writing style is very academic.