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Officer Candidate Essay

casey singleton

New Member
Hi Everyone, my utmost apologies if this topic has been exhausted, however, I was not able to locate any thread relating to Officer Candidate Essay's. I am pasting what I have written for my consideration to OCS. Please offer any and all advice as it would be significantly appreciated.

- Casey


I believe there comes a time in a man’s life where he is faced with an understanding that he will either lead or follow. In many times, it will be the latter, but the best will realize that the world is shaped and strengthened by individuals who realize that greatness only comes to those who fight for it. Understanding and believing are two very different principles. I, being a man born of the United States, have a duty to serve. I am humbled by those who have sacrificed before me and realize that it is my obligation to fulfill my responsibilities in reverence to my fellow citizens, as well as the flag.

Intellectual capital, or what you know is important, but social capital, the capacity to attract, support and lead others to get things accomplished will be one of my most attributable characteristics that will help me be successful as an officer candidate. For example, when I coached track and field athletes, I would never tell curious individuals their difficult workouts in advance with the intent that they would believe in me and trust that my way of doing things would help them see their goals come to fruition.

After diligently undertaking my studies at WSU, working a job and volunteering as a study abroad advisor, I now seek to further my ambitions in working as a Naval Officer. I don’t believe I am entitled to anything I have not earned, but I believe I deserve a shot at officer candidate school because my drive and persistence to accomplish goals is untouchable. I will be an asset to the Navy because I am committed to small details, details that make up components of larger commodities that make things happen. Every week I write out several academic and physical goals to be accomplished for each seven-day duration. Once a goal has been met I then raise the bar to better myself for the future.

The military is made up of many small parts all working together to accomplish a goal. The world waits for no one, the clock doesn’t stop ticking, but ambitious individuals continuously wake up and move because we seek to make things happen. It is my belief that those who understand these ideals and understand what it means to work your butt off will indeed see the results they desire.
 

exNavyOffRec

Well-Known Member
look for the thread titled "motivational statement" that is where these are put.

and "committed to small details" screams "micro manager"

your profile doesn't say much, what are you going for, what is your degree, what is your GPA?
 

casey singleton

New Member
Thanks for your response. I'll update my profile as well.

- Sought Job: Naval Flight Officer
- Degree: Management Operations
- GPA: 3.2
 

Steve Wilkins

Teaching pigs to dance, one pig at a time.
None
Super Moderator
Contributor
Be mindful of grammar, voice, and transitions. You're all over the place. Do not use words if you are unfamiliar with their meaning. Don't tell me what the military is or isn't. And I am not interested in giving you a shot at OCS. I am, however, interested in giving you a shot at leading sailors/marines if you can convince me why you're better qualified than Joey from New Jersey. Convince me. I came away not knowing you any better than before I read your essay.
 

Renegade One

Well-Known Member
None
Be mindful of grammar, voice, and transitions. You're all over the place. Do not use words if you are unfamiliar with their meaning. Don't tell me what the military is or isn't. And I am not interested in giving you a shot at OCS. I am, however, interested in giving you a shot at leading sailors/marines if you can convince me why you're better qualified than Joey from New Jersey. Convince me. I came away not knowing you any better than before I read your essay.
Steve: Your response was much more helpful/constructive than mine…although I think we're dealing from the same deck.

"Good answer…good answer…I like the way you think..."
 

yakboyslim

Well-Known Member
None
A couple things from a quick read through:

Too much passive voice overall. I barely remember what passive voice is, but you have too much.

The second paragraph might be one of the most difficult to read paragraphs ever. Too many asides, and confusing sentence structure. If in spoken word you would put pauses so your listener could catch up, do the same in writing. Commas don't quite cut it.

Also don't call your drive "untouchable." It's weird wording, and it sounds... bad. I don't know.

Lastly, the last paragraph doesn't say anything about you, just people you hope to join or are similar to. Reword to talk about you.

Like Steve said, write more about you. It's a lot about what makes great people great, which doesn't help you. Oh, one more thing, "being a man born of the United States" (which is a weird phrase on it's own) does not give someone a duty to serve. In fact part of the whole equation is the fact that we have a voluntary military. So talk about why YOU have a duty to serve.
 

Tycho_Brohe

Well-Known Member
pilot
Contributor
If I'm not mistaken:

Regular statement:
I went to the NEX today.

Passive voice:
It's said by many that I went to the NEX today.
Correct, "it is said" is passive, while "I went" is active. So actually that second sentence had a little of both.
But things like "he is faced" and "I am humbled" might need to be rewritten.
 

navy2014

Member
I think the easiest example of active/passive is--

Active: Casey broke the window.

Passive: The window was broken (by Casey).

That example also shows when you would actually want to use passive voice--when you're trying to be diplomatic/polite and the point of what you're saying (the window ended up broken) doesn't really require you to assign blame to someone.

Anyway, good luck Casey.
 
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yakboyslim

Well-Known Member
None
Nerds.:cool:

I think the easiest example of active/passive is--
when you're trying to be diplomatic/polite and the point of what your saying (the window ended up broken) doesn't really require you to assign blame to someone.
I forgot the specifics of grammar stuff, but that is what I felt when I read it, and I remembered that had something to do with passive voice, hence my critique.
 

R. S.

New Member
All I will say is avoid phrases like "it will help me be successful" because that insinuates that you could possibly be unsuccessful. Don't be cocky, but be confident. And I would not say a "successful officer candidate" because the navy is choosing those that will be "successful naval officers"
 

EMTpilot

Well-Known Member
I would start over my friend. Your word choice in many places, sentence structure, and grammar are incorrect. This borders on unreadable. If you are going to make the claim that you are attuned to small details then show it through your writing. Good luck.
 

RockNrolling

New Member
Alright, let me just add my two cents to the conversation here. I agree with EMTpilot that you should start over. Not because this is a terrible letter, but because it doesn't really speak to what the Officer Candidate's Essay is supposed to be about. I personally prefer being very straightforward in my writing and I think this letter is an instance where being more to the point would help you. Try to avoid some of the more superfluous, flowery metaphors and just clearly and simply explain the reasons you want to be a NFO and why you would be a great NFO.
 

Mr Spenz

"Your brief saved your flight' - every IP
pilot
Alright, let me just add my two cents to the conversation here. I agree with EMTpilot that you should start over. Not because this is a terrible letter, but because it doesn't really speak to what the Officer Candidate's Essay is supposed to be about. I personally prefer being very straightforward in my writing and I think this letter is an instance where being more to the point would help you. Try to avoid some of the more superfluous, flowery metaphors and just clearly and simply explain the reasons you want to be a NFO and why you would be a great NFO.
No, why he wants to be a Naval Officer. The focus is being an Officer first.
 
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